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Discussion Starter #1
I was inbetween PMing some members on the forum, and this topic came up. It's something I struggle with, and I've noticed fellow INFJ board members don't struggle as much.

My friends have been telling me to get to know a guy really well as a friend before dating them. My problem? Once I see my male friends as "friends", I can almost never see them as dating material from that point on. Talk about a catch22.

When I approach people (male or female) with the intention of being a friend... I step into this mental mode of "we are family! they are like my brother and my sister". So after treating these men like my 'brothers', making that mental switch to 'dating material' feels so wrong? I almost feel violated, and (I know this sounds immature, but) I gag a bit.

I need some help! How do you guys make that mental switch from friend to lover? Is there a certain approach I can take from the beginning that will help find quality guys without simultaneously nullify the romantic relationship?

I guess my intentions are really pure when it comes to making 'friends'; I tend to see them as friends and will search for nothing more than that.

Help?
 
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Hmm I have no problems making the switch from friends to lovers. But this does not mean I regard all my friends as potential lovers. It all boils down to your definition of lover I suppose. To me a lover is my best friend, confidant, partner, mentor, comrade in arms and so on. So to turn from friend to lover requires mutual chemistry and shared goals and aims. At least that is how I operate.

Of course having said all that, there are definitely a few people with potential. The reason we remain friends is due to conditions not being suitable for anything more. Under such circumstances, I have no problems ridding myself of whatever romantic attachments I may feel.
 
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I have never had any issues with the Friend-Lover issue, in fact it is what I fantasize about, My best friend becoming my lover *Swoon*

Anyways, i can't imagine how I would date someone, who isn't a friend first. The only people I keep in the friend zone, are those i know *cos we instinctively know* that I don't want them any other way. But there are others you don't think about like that. If I do enjoy talking and being with a guy so much as a friend, i would secretly hope he was in love with me..then ,then..we become lovers or something
D'know what i mean .lol
 

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LOL

But my besttt friend is an INTJ guy and I just can't see him as dating material at all....... We talk about everything! He's like family. I have guy friends too, but after like so many months of talking... they all fall into feeling like a sibling. Man.. am I the only one with this problem?

Both of my exs, I was friends with for a few months before we started dating... the problem is I don't think the 'few months of friendship' is really doing anything to help me in the long run. However with most guys I've known for 1+ years, my mind just KILLS the romance. It's gone. Even if I thought they were cute in the beginning?

GAAHHH!!! *bangs head on table* Help? LOL

Maybe I should just keep an ongoing fantasy in my head so the feelings don't die...

Edit: I've only ever dated guys that were interested in me first. Never had it be the other way around... the above ^--- reason being the main contributor.

GaminieGirlie: I know what you mean! But is that really a friend? Cause technically it's like a "friend" but not really a friend.. since your other friends are in the real friend category, and he's in the "friend/moreeeee" category.
 

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However with most guys I've known for 1+ years, my mind just KILLS the romance. It's gone. Even if I thought they were cute in the beginning?
Does this mean that after a sufficient amount of time....say a few years...your mind will kill the romance between you and your current boyfriend or even husband?

If the romance persists in such a situation, maybe therein lies the answer on how to resolve your friend to lover problem.
 

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Does this mean that after a sufficient amount of time....say a few years...your mind will kill the romance between you and your current boyfriend or even husband?

If the romance persists in such a situation, maybe therein lies the answer on how to resolve your friend to lover problem.
Nah, once I'm in a committed relationship.. the romance lasts forever. I've actually had the problem where the romance is what dies for the 'other' person. I still flirt with my boyfriend a year after knowing them. That's never an issue.

MHHHHhhhhhh....... you are Yoda! I bow to you.. I shall use the force!
 

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Easy....LOL
I don't think you should sweat it, if you don't find your friends attractive enough..It's OK.

But from what you have written, it seems you want the 'Ride in on a horse-sweep you off your feet' kinda guys.
Somebody that makes his intentions known from the start, nothing wrong in that.
 

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Easy....LOL
I don't think you should sweat it, if you don't find your friends attractive enough..It's OK.

But from what you have written, it seems you want the 'Ride in on a horse-sweep you off your feet' kinda guys.
Somebody that makes his intentions known from the start, nothing wrong in that.
Yeah she's right. It probably means you need romance and passion before you fall in love. If your "friends" don't provide that feeling swiftly enough, they remain just friends.
 
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Wow GamerieGirlie you really hit the nail on the head with that one. Yeah, I never thought about it like that... but you're totally right.

HAHA I'm a hopeless romantic :crazy:

Nobody has trouble switching from friends to lovers? :unsure:

I've been concerned about my approach... so far two guys have swept me off my feet, just to drop me on the floor :crazy: So these days I'm wondering if I just need somebody who doesn't sweep me off feet, maybe those are the types that actually never drop you on the floor. (Hope that analogy makes sense).
 

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Wow GamerieGirlie you really hit the nail on the head with that one. Yeah, I never thought about it like that... but you're totally right.

HAHA I'm a hopeless romantic :crazy:

Nobody has trouble switching from friends to lovers? :unsure:

I've been concerned about my approach... so far two guys have swept me off my feet, just to drop me on the floor :crazy: So these days I'm wondering if I just need somebody who doesn't sweep me off feet, maybe those are the types that actually never drop you on the floor. (Hope that analogy makes sense).
I have that problem, my last relationship was like that.
I think she broke up with because I was having problems switch modes:frustrating:
 
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Wow GamerieGirlie you really hit the nail on the head with that one. Yeah, I never thought about it like that... but you're totally right.

HAHA I'm a hopeless romantic :crazy:

Nobody has trouble switching from friends to lovers? :unsure:

I've been concerned about my approach... so far two guys have swept me off my feet, just to drop me on the floor :crazy: So these days I'm wondering if I just need somebody who doesn't sweep me off feet, maybe those are the types that actually never drop you on the floor. (Hope that analogy makes sense).
Well now that we established your criteria for romance which separates romantic interests from friends, the next step to ensure you don't end up on the floor is to have another set of criteria for romantic interests alone. You probably need to look at them objectively and maybe seek opinions from your close friends if you have reached the stage where you have trouble staying objective. If your romantic interest can pass this 2nd round, then it should reduce your chances of ending up on the floor. That way, you can have your cake (guys who arouse those feelings in you) and eat it.
 
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Most of your guy friends are simply friends because you never saw them as more than that in the first place. If you wanted to make a friend into a lover, it would be like trying to trick yourself. Unless you secretly wanted to be lovers when you befriended them, then you probably won't ever make the switch.
 

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I had a friend that admitted to liking me. I felt bad for him because it wasn't mutual. He was like a brother to me. We're still friends now though, which is good. I was scared that he was gonna run off because I had made him feel stupid or something but I was quick to tell him that it was ok and that nothing's changed between us.
 

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I had a friend that admitted to liking me. I felt bad for him because it wasn't mutual. He was like a brother to me. We're still friends now though, which is good. I was scared that he was gonna run off because I had made him feel stupid or something but I was quick to tell him that it was ok and that nothing's changed between us.
i was that guy to someone else few days ago,,,,i knew it wasn't mutual and i wanted to just ignore my feelings but they just built up till i could not ignore them anymore. i got told i was like a brother to her.....we are still friends but she was scared she had hurt me and crushed my heart afterwards and i had kept telling her it was exactly what i had expected in the first place and i am not hurt.
'
Though really hating being "friend zone" material
 

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i was that guy to someone else few days ago,,,,i knew it wasn't mutual and i wanted to just ignore my feelings but they just built up till i could not ignore them anymore. i got told i was like a brother to her.....we are still friends but she was scared she had hurt me and crushed my heart afterwards and i had kept telling her it was exactly what i had expected in the first place and i am not hurt.
'
Though really hating being "friend zone" material
Welcome to the club. I got into such a situation when I was younger. On hindsight I guess it was a good thing since my feelings clouded my objectivity. I do hope you find some way to cope with it though. Such rejection isn't easy to bear.
 
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Welcome to the club. I got into such a situation when I was younger. On hindsight I guess it was a good thing since my feelings clouded my objectivity. I do hope you find some way to cope with it though. Such rejection isn't easy to bear.

This club sucks....i want to join the other one over there, the "I got a girlfriend club" but all the girls i meet make me their friend forever or brother:sad: i can't just walk up to a girl and ask them out since i fumble with my words way too much.
 

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Well now that we established your criteria for romance which separates romantic interests from friends, the next step to ensure you don't end up on the floor is to have another set of criteria for romantic interests alone. You probably need to look at them objectively and maybe seek opinions from your close friends if you have reached the stage where you have trouble staying objective. If your romantic interest can pass this 2nd round, then it should reduce your chances of ending up on the floor. That way, you can have your cake (guys who arouse those feelings in you) and eat it.
That's a really good tip! I tend to 'develop' romantic interests after establishing some basic ground rules like "do we share the same values, morals, similar lifestyle perhaps?" and if the ground rule are established that's when I'll usually accept a relationship but I feel I do need that 2nd round of criterias.

I just find it strange that my friends stick around longer than my romantic relationships. Looking at the longevity of my friendships vs. relationships I wished it was swapped. I guess I haven't figured out that secret formula for a long lasting relationship. I see it in my friends, but so far the lovers arena is a total bust.

I'm just trying to strategize in a different way I suppose. I'll think about this some more. There's gotta be something I'm forgetting to look at that is contributing to the problem :crazy:

Most of your guy friends are simply friends because you never saw them as more than that in the first place. If you wanted to make a friend into a lover, it would be like trying to trick yourself. Unless you secretly wanted to be lovers when you befriended them, then you probably won't ever make the switch.
That's exactly how I feel.... the whole "trying to trick myself". That's how it's always felt. I've TRIED to develop romantic feelings for friends, but it feels like a fraud. But yeah, I'll refer the rest of my comment to the response above ^---- I'm trying to strategize a different approach.

I had a friend that admitted to liking me. I felt bad for him because it wasn't mutual. He was like a brother to me. We're still friends now though, which is good. I was scared that he was gonna run off because I had made him feel stupid or something but I was quick to tell him that it was ok and that nothing's changed between us.
Oh man, poor guy :crazy: Yeah, I've matured alot over the years. As a kid, I would be so grossed out. I've had friendships end over that before LOL Then I grew up and realized it's not a big deal, and we should remain friends. I'm not going to get into a long story about it but I think after awhile... he'll eventually lose those feelings. Cause I have a good long time friend with similar circumstances.

I actually tried to help the process speed up by making myself appear less attractive and more sisterly? I don't even know if that makes sense. I would say funny/silly things about myself, to help them see me in a different light. Don't know if that'll help you.. but it has worked for me to help kill those feelings in a guy :crazy:

This club sucks....i want to join the other one over there, the "I got a girlfriend club" but all the girls i meet make me their friend forever or brother:sad: i can't just walk up to a girl and ask them out since i fumble with my words way too much.
Well I speak for most girls when I say this, and not for myself (because my taste in men are different from the norm; in that I actually prefer quiet men)... I think sometimes when guys come off 'too friendly', it helps peg them in the 'friends' club quicker. For some reason, when a girl does this it has the opposite result.

I tend to think INFJ's make great actors. We know enough of the nuances in personas that I feel we can immitate it fairly well. I mean I could spend a day just people watching because it's pretty fascinating. In any case, my suggestion for getting out of the friends club is observe a guy that's popular with the ladies. Not so much what he says, but how he says it, his body language, etc.... and practice infront of a mirror? :crazy: It sounds silly I know...

Think of it as an exercise for a play or something. I'm not suggesting that you try and be something that you're not, I'm just saying.. what's the harm in using the tools God's given you to gain some leverage on somebody you love? Since you are obviously not a jerk, and I'm pretty sure you'll take good care of your future GF... I see no harm in trying to gain her interest this way.

I dunno, maybe some INFJ's will feel that it's me asking you to be something you are not... I see it more like asking you to try a different approach to get the woman you want. Sometimes the inflections you put on a sentence can change the whole context and subsequently it's effect on the person whom you are speaking to. There are other ways to communicate your interest in a woman than just outright saying it, if you make these hints clear from the beginning as well as messages of "I'm clearly a good catch" (confidence not cockiness) she'll get the hint and perhaps bite.
 
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I dunno, maybe some INFJ's will feel that it's me asking you to be something you are not
i do feel. why do i have to change who i am?? I mean some more confidence would go a long way but what your telling me is the change me speech, my mannerism, and more myself. the fact you used actor several times. and actor's job is to pretend to be someone else.

so instead i show them something i'm not and then change into something they don't expect......i will not change who i am for some girl. one day one of them will not friend zone me............at least i hope

anyway my frustration is not directed at you Ethanol .its to myself and my emotional frustrations
 

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That's a really good tip! I tend to 'develop' romantic interests after establishing some basic ground rules like "do we share the same values, morals, similar lifestyle perhaps?" and if the ground rule are established that's when I'll usually accept a relationship but I feel I do need that 2nd round of criterias.

I just find it strange that my friends stick around longer than my romantic relationships. Looking at the longevity of my friendships vs. relationships I wished it was swapped. I guess I haven't figured out that secret formula for a long lasting relationship. I see it in my friends, but so far the lovers arena is a total bust.

I'm just trying to strategize in a different way I suppose. I'll think about this some more. There's gotta be something I'm forgetting to look at that is contributing to the problem :crazy:
Hmm it could be the way you manage the relationship then. Since you will be in a relationship with a guy who you have chemistry with and who has ideally passed your 2nd round of criterias, the last problem is to make the relationship last.

Friendships last a long time because the expectations involved with friends is different from lovers. The issue at hand is not friendship but romantic relationships.

Maybe if you added the element of friendship; ie best friends to your romantic relationships, it could last longer. I don't know how you manage your relationships, but as long as communication is honest and open about anything and everything; like the best of friends, there shouldn't be any problem. Taking an active interest in most of the things your partner does helps also. I don't think this is anything new since it comes easily to me and it should come easily to you as an INFJ.
 

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i do feel. why do i have to change who i am?? I mean some more confidence would go a long way but what your telling me is the change me speech, my mannerism, and more myself. the fact you used actor several times. and actor's job is to pretend to be someone else.

so instead i show them something i'm not and then change into something they don't expect......i will not change who i am for some girl. one day one of them will not friend zone me............at least i hope
Nah, you don't have to be what you are not. Be yourself. But don't stop there, unlock and unleash your potential and never stop growing. When you become 10, 20 or 100 times the person you are today, you will find someone who will sit up and notice. Till then never give up or stop trying and learning from your mistakes. That is what all great characters in mangas are like. :wink:
 
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