@Flower Hat I was going to quote one sentence from you and applaud, then I had to quote a second sentence, then it became ten sentences ahahaha, so I better just mention you and that's it xD XD
Your story of high school reminds me of how I had a bff for 12 years, starting in high school and then until our late 20s, and I had a friend (I didn't consider her bff status) for 10 of those 12 years. The reasoning why I considered them big words like "bff" and "friend" is actually veeeery complicated, especially because I would have to explain the fact that I never once had an intimate/vulnerable conversation with any of them. I never once put down my wall, and I felt that they weren't vulnerable with me either. To me, our walls existed on both sides, it was something I just intuited. I considered them friend status because I committed to them, and this means I subjected myself to certain obligations, and I expected them to have certain obligations as well. We all fulfilled those obligations in my book, so in my mind we had a commitment. But there was no love. For me... I don't love my friends, I just commit. I'll explain the commitment thing later.
What was my surprise when after 10-12 years, we three had a fight, and I felt quite stable about the whole thing, I felt hurt but I never felt the need to cry about it, and I didn't feel a sense of loss or grief or fear. In fact, it didn't affect me much and I instantly dropped them from my life and I went out socializing to meet new people. My surprise was that they both came to me bawling their eyes out, begging me not to leave them in their pain, and my friend (not the bff, the other one) was literally crying on me and beging me to get emotional just like they were. I was very surprised, and felt empathy for their pain, but I didn't feel
my own pain. I didn't have any particular pain inside me because I simply didn't love them. I felt like I had done my duty by doing my commitments for as long as the friendships lasted, and that was it. My surprise was that they told me I love you. I was like wtf... is there love involved here? How? When? Where?
I could never feel for them like they felt for me, and the reason was because I never trusted them. And so I never ever made myself vulnerable. I never invested anything from my deep waters in them. And I believed that this was mutual. I never felt like they had invested anything profound in me either. So I find it so difficult to be able to recognize when someone is giving me a profound piece of them. Because probably what they consider "deep", to me it's superficial. And I'm not saying this to appear profound or anything, I'm saying this just because it is a real problem, and had I known that they were investing so much of their emotions in me, I would've never let them do that, because I have a strong sense of justice and fairness (typical INFP) and I would never allow someone to give too much to me unless I am going to give the same in return.
The thing with my concept of friendship is that to me a real friendship involves a commitment. And commitment involves obligations and duties. There are certain obligations I will have to do in a friendship, so I keep everyone as an acquaintance or an in-betweener because I don't want the obligations, and so I won't make a commitment.
The commitment is a choice, and this choice is made when the pros of having the friendship far outweigh the cons; so the obligations and duties are worth it. Because you get something big out of it, it's something abstract but it's real.
I generally know when I'm connecting with someone on a meaningful level, but I tend to incorrectly assume that they'd intuitively know when I'm not connecting with them.
A++++ description.
And so many times I think I'm being clear. With people, we talk for five hours and I'm very friendly, they get attached to me. And I'm like... yes we had a fun conversation, but I didn't feel anything, and I'm certainly not committing to you (according to my own definition of it).