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I don't like to have many close relationships because then people rely on me for things. I don't like to be relied on because it makes me feel constrained. I do try to act as a friend should with the people I'm close too but it takes effort. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to care . . . however, that can be a weakness because I can't even handle a close relationship with someone.

I'm also trying to become a friendlier person because of my religion. It's very difficult . . .
 

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When I was younger I used to think I should want more friends and want to be more social but in the last few years I've realized it's okay to only have a couple of close friends. I would say I have 4 very close friends - but two of those friends are twin sisters and another is married to one of the twins, so it was kind of inevitable we would all become friends. Outside of them, I would really only say I have one other friend and we have a long history -but we only see each other every few months. While I would call my partner's friends my friends, I don't really put them in the same category and I would never call them up on my own. I'm also close with my brothers and my family but I don't count them as friends either.

We're all at an age where we have our own busy lives so I see my close friends every 2nd weekend or so (when some aren't living abroad). Usually this get together includes just hanging out at someone's place, ordering food, talking, watching shows, drinking, etc. I've known all of these people (save one) since I was 5. I can't really see myself becoming good friends with anyone new in my life. My partner and I are both homebodies and he only has a few close friends too. We both like hosting get-togethers at our home but we like to keep it to one, maybe two nights every couple of weeks (except for vacations and the like). My partner and I also spent two weeks around Europe with two of these friends and had a great time all the way. We parted ways before anyone felt burnt out from each other. But from the sounds of things on this forum this might be pretty unusual for a 5.

But I would also say that these particular people are the only people either than my partner I feel 100% comfortable being myself around. I really don't care about making new friends or being social with other people. If it happens it happens but I'd be surprised to find any close new friends at this age.
 

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When I think about my history of friendship with individuals, I can see a trend or overarching theme as to why some friendships ended and why other friendships strongly continue to this day. The friendships that I nurture even now are with individuals I continue to like, admire, respect, and trust. Many of the friendships that fell my the wayside did so because I would usually end up questioning the individual's motives and wonder if I should continue trusting him/her...and once this happens and the more I see the other person's true colors, I usually lose enough respect and admiration for the person that the relationship eventually tapers off into non-existence. I'm mindful not to paint anyone as good or bad because we're all imperfect people, but when values conflict, when I just don't feel good or refreshed when I interact with someone and I'm actually left feeling unsettled, conflicted, and/or exhausted after the interaction, I know this is a friendship I will have to question. Anytime I hang out with a true friend and after we part ways and I get back to my home and thus have time to re-play and re-live the interaction, I take note of the fact that I say to myself, "I am so appreciative this person continues to remain my friend; I had such a good time; I'm a lucky gal to have this friend and friendship..."
If I don't think or say any of those things, and I'm feeling just off about the interaction or I don't look forward to the next time we meet and actually dread it, this is red alert in my book. Anyway, this is why I have but a handful of friends; they have stuck with me at my lowest and did not turn me away; they have seen me at my highest, and they have supported me. They're also the ones who naturally give me space just like I give them space...we don't have a parasitic or symbiotic friendship - thank goodness. And I know myself well enough to know that when it comes to friends, I am all about quality over quantity, always.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
That's freaky! I'm going through exactly what you're describing with a "friend" right now. I feel bad, as he's sad about me ignoring him. Yet, he looks down on the things I'm the most passionate about (what I'm studying). And worse: he keeps attacking me for it. As I hate debates, I get exactly those feelings that you describe: I feel conflicted, unsettled etc. There's even the element of me questioning his motives.

I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one.
 

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That's freaky! I'm going through exactly what you're describing with a "friend" right now. I feel bad, as he's sad about me ignoring him. Yet, he looks down on the things I'm the most passionate about (what I'm studying). And worse: he keeps attacking me for it. As I hate debates, I get exactly those feelings that you describe: I fell conflicted, unsettled etc. There's even the element of me questioning his motives.

I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one.
Hmmm, well, I appreciate the fact that my friends are not "yes (wo)men" in that if we disagree on some things, we will always respectfully and honestly discuss our views, and agree to disagree in the end; these friends keep me and my ego in check. Now, if this friend of yours is attacking you, I have to wonder why he's doing so. Some people are just more contentious and combative by nature, so I suppose we have to deal with it if we still want to be friends with folks like that, but if you believe you and your passions are being disrespected, then I sense an unequal friendship...actually, in my humble book, I wouldn't call something like this a friendship.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Hmmm, well, I appreciate the fact that my friends are not "yes (wo)men" in that if we disagree on some things, we will always respectfully and honestly discuss our views, and agree to disagree in the end; these friends keep me and my ego in check. Now, if this friend of yours is attacking you, I have to wonder why he's doing so. Some people are just more contentious and combative by nature, so I suppose we have to deal with it if we still want to be friends with folks like that, but if you believe you and your passions are being disrespected, then I sense an unequal friendship...actually, in my humble book, I wouldn't call something like this a friendship.
I came to the same conclusion. Took me a while, though.

I don't mind being challenged on my views. But if it's in a "I'm better than you"-tone it's more about the competition than the discussion in itself. And again: debates are not my strong suit
 

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I came to the same conclusion. Took me a while, though.

I don't mind being challenged on my views. But if it's in a "I'm better than you"-tone it's more about the competition than the discussion in itself. And again: debates are not my strong suit
Debates aren't necessarily my strong suit either. Plus, if I sense someone wants to argue constantly, I'd much rather just leave the discussion because it's not my M.O. in life to be Miss Righty-Pants and I ascribe to the philosophy of "live and let live" more or less. I think life is too short to argue and compete the way certain people do, like how some people try to ram down their own values, morals, and ethics down others' throats and pass harsh, black-and-white judgment on me and others just because we don't see things their way. People can be that way if they want, but I make it a conscious choice not to bother with folks like that...I'll listen to what they have to say if I come across them, but it's not worth trying to debate with people who seem so fixed and rigid. And lastly, I know where my convictions and values lie, and I remain faithful to them, but again, I'm not into arguing or defending my values in the hopes I'll change someone else's views because people are free to be who they are and think and believe whatever they want; all I ask is to be left alone to believe what I want and not be ridiculed or attacked for my beliefs.
 

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Do any of you guys see your friends as necessary evils?

Let me explain: I need to be social from time to time, so I try to keep a couple of friendships going at a time. Yet being social is often more annoying for me than anything else...

Is this a 5-thing?
That's why I give structure to my friendships. We don't just hang out, we have a purpose. For a while it was movie night every Friday evening, choir rehearsals where we chat at the breaks, or reading a book together on a schedule and talking about it.

Friendships are easier for me to maintain when we're moving forward together and getting things done.
 
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That's freaky! I'm going through exactly what you're describing with a "friend" right now. I feel bad, as he's sad about me ignoring him. Yet, he looks down on the things I'm the most passionate about (what I'm studying). And worse: he keeps attacking me for it. As I hate debates, I get exactly those feelings that you describe: I feel conflicted, unsettled etc. There's even the element of me questioning his motives.

I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one.
This sounds all too familiar. I think what's been really key for me and my friends is that we all hold basically the same ideals, values, beliefs and we've all been through big life changes with each other. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone, friendship or otherwise, if they're always attacking or trying to debate with me. I would never feel safe enough to be myself.

I became friends with a woman when I was 19 and we were almost instantly best friends for about two years - and then suddenly her whole personality changed when she started dating someone. Her opinions became totally offensive to me and I realized that she was likely a very unhealthy 2 who really wanted to give everyone what they wanted - very chameleon like. It was so bizarre how she seemed to change over night but once it happened I had no motivation to keep the friendship up and I didn't really speak up when she said things that offended me because I was so baffled by it. In the end, we basically stopped calling each other and I really have no desire to be friends with her at all - she's not adopted a whole other personality.

I know where my convictions and values lie, and I remain faithful to them, but again, I'm not into arguing or defending my values in the hopes I'll change someone else's views because people are free to be who they are and think and believe whatever they want; all I ask is to be left alone to believe what I want and not be ridiculed or attacked for my beliefs.
Exactly.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Debates aren't necessarily my strong suit either. Plus, if I sense someone wants to argue constantly, I'd much rather just leave the discussion because it's not my M.O. in life to be Miss Righty-Pants and I ascribe to the philosophy of "live and let live" more or less. I think life is too short to argue and compete the way certain people do, like how some people try to ram down their own values, morals, and ethics down others' throats and pass harsh, black-and-white judgment on me and others just because we don't see things their way. People can be that way if they want, but I make it a conscious choice not to bother with folks like that...I'll listen to what they have to say if I come across them, but it's not worth trying to debate with people who seem so fixed and rigid. And lastly, I know where my convictions and values lie, and I remain faithful to them, but again, I'm not into arguing or defending my values in the hopes I'll change someone else's views because people are free to be who they are and think and believe whatever they want; all I ask is to be left alone to believe what I want and not be ridiculed or attacked for my beliefs.
My methodology chapter in my thesis incorporates exactly this subject :). I believe that (in this case) scientists who try to make other scientists use exactly their methods, are wrong. We still haven't (in the social sciences) reached a level where any methodology is foolproof. Hence, it's beneficial if people do different things. If people reach the same conclusion by different methods, I have more faith in it, than if they do it by using the same method. And if everyone only did one type of interviews, and it turned out that people were more proned to lie facing that type of interview, a whole lot of research would be useless.

This applies to more everyday situations in the way that I know that I can't be sure about most things. And as long as I'm not 100% sure, I'm not gonna force my opinion on someone. Like if I believe that buying stuff made in Indonesia is wrong (low wages for the workers, long hours), and everyone else stops buying clothes from Indonesia too, they might have to close the factories there. And then a lot of people are without jobs, and while I thought I was doing a good thing, they're actually worse off in Indonesia than they were before. So I believe in doing what I believe is right, and letting others do what they think is right.
 

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This sounds all too familiar. I think what's been really key for me and my friends is that we all hold basically the same ideals, values, beliefs and we've all been through big life changes with each other. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone, friendship or otherwise, if they're always attacking or trying to debate with me. I would never feel safe enough to be myself.
That was actually what's happened to me too. I stopped feeling comfortable about telling him about my life and my interests.
 

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Do any of you guys see your friends as necessary evils?

Let me explain: I need to be social from time to time, so I try to keep a couple of friendships going at a time. Yet being social is often more annoying for me than anything else...

Is this a 5-thing?
I have a high % of introversion so enjoy my alone time a lot. I have what I call social batteries....been with people for too long drains me. I tend to be very empathic and like to help others so that's explain part of the drain but I enjoy doing it :). Some of my friends doesn't understand this >_>. So I understand the annoying sensation. I prefer to have a few friends. Quality over quantity ftw. I read somewhere else that the human mind can't follow more than 150 relationships at the same time...that's our quota :p. Don't know it is a 5 thing...I attribute it to my introversion and notice that most of my moments of pure joy I get, are from solo activities..ex: reading a good story, learning and discovering something new, listening to music,etc. But we need people...we only varied in the degree we need others. I was such a mess in the pass and the connections I have made with others have bring a much necessary balance to my life..there is joy in self-expression. We need to love and be love. For me a few people is fine for others( extroverts specially), the more, the better.
 

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I've had a lot of different best friends growing up. As im getting to know myself and my patters and i see my friend-history has been the same since i was maybe 5 (im almost 23 now).. I have one best friend with whom i spend a lot of time, share some (not all!) information about myself. Then i get "bored" or meet someone more interesting, maybe because i start a new job or school and i slowly lose contact with my former best friend. To me this has always seemed like a mutual "decission" between me and a friend, until my psychologist brought it up in a session, that maybe its me withdrawing leaving the friend confused.

For the last few years ive become a lot better at maintaining relationships with the people i want in my life..
Im not a caller or a texter. I dont call friends just to hear what they are up to, and most times its my friends asking me if i want to get together, not me. Its not that i dont want to, but often i dont think about it.
I can easily go a week only seeing my classmates and spending time alone after school without the thought of calling my parents or friends cross my mind. Im trying to tell people this. And trying to remember people cant read my mind :)
 

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I think this may also have a lot to do with your variant. I am a Sx/Sp dominant 5 and, sure enough most of my social life has been characterized by a handful of very close friendships. When I can have one or two people who I feel very close to then I love to hang out with them. Whenever I don't have that intimacy, then spending time with others (casual acquaintances) feels more like a chore. Still I long for that intimacy and paradoxically feel lonely while simultaneously feeling burdened by friendly offers to go out to places. I realize this is irrational and perhaps unfair to those making these genuinely nice gestures, but I can't help it. For me the company of an intimate friend and a regular friend are not at all equal.

That said, I've always wondered how much easier my life would be were I to be Sp dominant. As an Sx, even though I can enjoy my time alone, I still feel a constant nagging desire for intimate companionship, which I suspect would be totally absent for Sp's (especially 5 Sp's). I imagine you guys can just have fun in your own apartments forever, without ever needing to try to seek out or worry about finding intimate connections. How I envy you!
 

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I had two best friends growing up, one of those kinda died off when I was about 8 or 9. Had a couple other acquaintances that I called friends, but found hanging out with them generally more exhausting than anything.

Throughout my life friends have come and gone. Since childhood, I've never really had a "best friend." There have been a few people that maybe could have fit that role, but distance, time, whatever seemed to prevent the relationship to moving to that level. It doesn't help that I connect better with guys, but being a straight female seems to make guys uncomfortable with that. This leaves me rather alone, with few people I would really call "friends."

I'm rather introverted, so most of the time it doesn't bother me, but there are times I wish I had someone to just chat to or bounce my problems off of. The DH works well for most things, but if there are things "at home" that I'd like to toss around, I really don't have anyone to do that with. I have a couple girlfriends I'm somewhat comfortable talking to, but not THAT comfortable (unless way too much wine is involved, and then I regret it for months afterwards) - that, and typically the woman's way of approaching the problems doesn't work well for me...too emotionally based, and I need logical solutions.
 

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Do any of you guys see your friends as necessary evils?

Let me explain: I need to be social from time to time, so I try to keep a couple of friendships going at a time. Yet being social is often more annoying for me than anything else...

Is this a 5-thing?
Maybe a five thing, but I'm more certain its a thing for people that have been disappointed in the past by friendship. Before I like having friends, but after betrayal and misunderstandings, and also my overly sensitive nature I reject friendship and deem every one that's close to me cannot be trusted.
 
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