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Friends or Romantic Partners?

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I can only stand to be around them for short bursts of time and preferably with other people around because then I don't have to take on ALL that extroverted energy. I dated one, and it was awful. We had amazing chemistry, but beyond that he drove me nuts. Every time we would go out he HAD TO talk to EVERYONE. And he would constantly be jumping on walls/etc interacting with the environment. Also he was super judgmental due to his religion so his views were very skewed, so I couldn't with that. I was also in a really low spot in my life, so it didn't last very long. I will say he was very emotionally understanding and empathetic regardless.

My friend that is an ESFP, he's really cool. Fun dude to hang out with and chat with, but if I'm not particularly feeling like having a long-winded conversation, it's a nightmare because he will not stop talking. But overall again, very emotionally understanding and empathetic and one of my friends that I can call at 3am if I get stuck in a pickle so I do appreciate that.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
@artofbalance Very interesting. I've heard that ESFPs are a bit like how you described: hyperactive and unintentionally flirty. Sorry it didn't work out for you. Mind if I ask what your MBTI type is?

And thank you for your response! :proud:
 

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I only have one ESFP friend who is a woman and she is truly wonderful and does a lot of good in this world, so is my ESFP cousin-- often I have wondered if they are ENFPs--- but then I reflect on our talks and they were all about values and feelings and not about concepts. Both of them are huge into self-help books.... I THINK they are ESFP??? There's lots of unconditional love between us.
A few times it seemed like all of a sudden there will be a screeching halt in the conversation if my Ne started going off on theory/concepts which surprised me. The majority of my friends are N's and my family (all except my dad) and so I'm used to voicing my Ne (brainstorming ideas or "what if?" scenarios) with those I feel close to.
The guys...I think the guys intimidate me a bit? Like they are louder than me... I have some ESFP male cousins. But none of these people seem like lushes. Should they seem like lushes? Which makes me question that they are ESFPs at all. What if they are ENFJs or something....? I think I should probably watch more ESFP youtube videos before I take another crack at this.
I'm not helpful!
@PurpleKitti is our ENFP with experience as she is married to a ESFP

Edit: I watched some videos. I'm right. And it's funny about the ESFP interest in self-help books....
 

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Discussion Starter #5
@Alesha Lol! What a typical, all over the place, response. So very ENFP-like of you! :wink:

The reason why I started this thread is because I have a male ESFP cousin and he's interested in an ENFP. Sadly, I think it's mostly one-sided--his side. She's nice, sweet, and considers him a good friend, but he's wanting more. Whereas this girl seems to desire the lushy kind of guy (which, as it were, us INFJs are quite skillful at. Ha-ha!), and he, as an ESFP, is more in the moment, hyperactive, and doesn't really know how to be that gentle, serene type that this ENFP (and likely most NFs) desire. Plus, his present-minded actions clash with her future-oriented mindset and love of talking about abstract theories.

And also, I am curious as to how many and how successful ENFP-ESFPs relationships/marriages are. I can see where they would need a lot of effort, but that doesn't mean it couldn't work. And as you mentioned, one of our very own is in such a marriage, so she's living proof.

On a side note, from your experience, do ENFPs (mainly female) desire a man who's gentle and lushy, or the tough and rough, fast-pace kind of guy?

Thanks for the reply! :proud:
 

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This INFP guy reminds me of my INFP husband-- my hubby is super good at assimilating and explaining pretty much anything--- anyway, does this help?

 
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Discussion Starter #7
This INFP guy reminds me of my INFP husband-- my hubby is super good at assimilating and explaining pretty much anything--- anyway, does this help?

HA! I've watched several of this guy's videos in the past, and I have to agree with you.
 

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@Alesha Lol! What a typical, all over the place, response. So very ENFP-like of you! :wink:
Heehee....
Oh, okay. Well, since I'm a bit more sure now about this type being what I think they are, then I can see the core beliefs are similar. That Fi and Te line up for ENFP/ESFP. I think it could work for sure. There is that belief that if everybody in this world just follows their Fi-Te (or whatever brand of that we imagine people have-- their conscience, basically) then everything will work out fine for everybody! lol I'm feeling nervous about going off on a muse when we have experts on board and I'm not one of them.

Me? Do I like gentle and lushy or tough and rough? lol I like gentle and lushy.... but first comes some other stuff that I think other ENFP girls would agree with:
1. Intelligence.
2. Kindness/emotionality
Those two are about equally important to me, I think. I could never be with someone who didn't match my mind/couldn't understand my thoughts/couldn't contribute to ideas. Also, I could never be with someone unkind.... not going to happen for me.
And if he's sweetly wittily funny he steals the show for me.... =)
But gently lushy sounds sexy as hell.... so if you add that to it!
 

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Discussion Starter #9
I like gentle and lushy.... but first comes some other stuff that I think other ENFP girls would agree with:
1. Intelligence.
2. Kindness/emotionality
Those two are about equally important to me, I think. I could never be with someone who didn't match my mind/couldn't understand my thoughts/couldn't contribute to ideas.
Ah! And there's my problem. I always feel things so very deeply. I crave human connection, yet socializing terrifies me. I don't mind being alone, but being lonely is the greatest fear I can think of. I've always been emotional; it's not difficult for me to cry when I'm feeling my own pain or someone else's, as I unintentionally absorb their emotions and take them on as my own. (and don't even get me started on sad movies. I was a leaky faucet during Marley & Me!!! :sad:)

Oh, dear. It would appear I made this post all about me. :blushed:

(Oh, and, *looks at poll* you forgot to choose an option)
 

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Ah! And there's my problem. I always feel things so very deeply. I crave human connection, yet socializing terrifies me. I don't mind being alone, but being lonely is the greatest fear I can think of. I've always been emotional; it's not difficult for me to cry when I'm feeling my own pain or someone else's, as I unintentionally absorb their emotions and take them on as my own. (and don't even get me started on sad movies. I was a leaky faucet during Marley & Me!!! :sad:)

Oh, dear. It would appear I made this post all about me. :blushed:

(Oh, and, *looks at poll* you forgot to choose an option)
You should have had us choose between "gentle and lushy" or "tough and rough" LOL You'd get a clear opinion there. The other dilemma with the poll is that we count ourselves as spazzes. And for sure most of us choose other N's, right? I'm not saying that the guy couldn't work very hard at winning me over, though. I mean.... I don't want to rule out S's completely for any of us, especially if the ESFP in question is anything like my friend and cousin.
It's not a problem stating my true preferences straight-out, though, the other ENFPs know I feel this way. My ideal is a INFJ-ENFP pairing and/but I really don't know how I'd do without my INFP husband, so INFP/INFJ for me and I am starting to get upset even thinking of doing without my husband....

Okay, so I like that this thread has become about you. Tell me this, you feel you understand your ENFP, right? You keep up with her brain/can follow her brain? Then you're fine! What would you worry about? You've written a BOOK for Pete's sake? You've got plenty to contribute to a conversation. So let me ask you more then... In what way are you worried?
 

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@artofbalance Very interesting. I've heard that ESFPs are a bit like how you described: hyperactive and unintentionally flirty. Sorry it didn't work out for you. Mind if I ask what your MBTI type is?

And thank you for your response! <img src="http://personalitycafe.com/images/smilies/1/proud.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Proud" class="inlineimg" />
Oh my gosh don’t be sorry! It was doomed from the start for so many reasons. I would’ve never dated him if I had a clear head at the time. I’m an ENFP (at least that’s what I’ve been testing as lately). It was nothing serious either and a while ago. And I’m very happy now. 🙂

I would definitely say hyperactive, extremely talkative, and I’d always describe them as a jumping off the walls type of energy— like you’re watching a ball nonstop bounce all over the room.
 

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And for sure most of us choose other N's, right?
I've said it before; for me to feel truly happy naturally, I need to find an intuitive-feeler, but at the very least another N. I just don't see getting that depth with a sensing type, and I imagine most ENFPs would agree. Statistically speaking, for a healthy relationship to blossom naturally, i think the two middle MBTI letters should ideally be identical (i.e. xNFx-xNFx, xNTx-xNTx, xSFx-xSFx, ect), and the outer letters ideally to be opposite (i.e. introverts paired with extroverts, judgers with perceivers). That's not to say other matches wouldn't work, because they absolutely would--you're a P paired with a P after all. It just may take more effort over the course of a lifetime than finding someone of your opposite. Though, I don't want to make it seems like I'm placing great emphasis in MBTI, because all types can work if they're willing to put forth the effort. It's just no secret that some types mesh better than others, and my preferences above are what I feel would work best for me.




Okay, so I like that this thread has become about you. Tell me this, you feel you understand your ENFP, right? You keep up with her brain/can follow her brain?
Honestly, I don't remember in my lifetime ever clicking as well with anyone as I do with her. It's nothing short of magical.


Then you're fine! What would you worry about? You've written a BOOK for Pete's sake? You've got plenty to contribute to a conversation.
Ha! That's not actually as intriguing to most people as you may think. Though, I do believe ENFPs are most likely to be readers of books than most types due to their brain and creativity patterns. Other types, such as my ESFP cousin, hates to read. I read that intuitive types are more creative, whereas sensor types are my inventive (scientifically). It makes sense because a lot of the NFs I know of are very artsy people.


So let me ask you more then... In what way are you worried?
I can answer that in a single word: Rejection. That's gotta be the worst feeling--loving someone who doesn't equally reciprocate. I know that's a fear for every type, but INFJs feel it on a much deeper level. We're all or nothing type of people. If we're willing to give you our all, then it's going to be every part of us for all eternity. It's scary being that vulnerable. And there's an unsettling solace about living in our heads, dreaming up the fantasy we're too afraid to bring to reality. It's easier, and nearly as fulfilling (not really, but we convince ourselves of that) to imagine the world we desire instead of taking the chance on making it happen for real. I remember you saying recently that ENFPs feel as if they'll never be good enough for their potential partner. I can say that's pretty much how I feel.

So simply put: Rejection. I'm afraid of rejection.
 

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@ShadowedWords... I almost want to forward you things I’ve written about my own experiences with INFJs... but the magic is real. That kind of devotion leaves a mark— a really really deep structural subconscious-until- it-surfaces mark. It’s not even quite registered on the surface because it seems so magical it’s like you can hardly believe it. You have the power here. Nobody is going to be as devoted, whether she consciously registers that or not— she would be looking for it again all her life. I will have to pm you my experience. Anyway, I would expect you to take the wise sage approach if I were her. Our archetype is the innocent child, our subconscious the sage. I believe you guys are the reverse. I think we expect that you guys will take the attitude of “This is going to happen” and we listen, and it’s super strong, even though on the surface there is still that innocent child. I didn’t take the time to pm.... anyway, you’ve got this I would think unless you have any untoward character flaws that are incompatible with her view of what she wants. but she would have already figured that out and would be treating you accordingly, I’d think. ENFPs are devoted to our romantic relationships and are highly invested and constantly longing to give love in that ideal relationship. If your Ni is saying she is “it” then make your plan and start communicating it— oh how sweet would that be! Remember what @Tridentus said about you being able to determine this. I fully agree with him and I like leadership in my men. A lot of us girls grow up feeling like the guy is supposed to win us over and I still like to be wooed and won over and seduced by my husband— it’s actually super important to me. Anyway, if she seems a bit traditional like I am in many areas then this might be something she expects you to lead out on. You are also a bit older than her and that plays a part at this age. If I was in her spot I don’t think I’d dare presume to flirt with my respected and loved friend and bit older and wiser-than-me friend. He’d have to gauge my feelings and initiate if he wanted to and I would even bet that she expects your Ni to predict for both of you— expects you to be the sage and leans on your Ni. I would. I totally trust Ni. What’s she up to these days? Her goals? How she’s acting around you? Pm if you like, but probably everyone here is into your story at this point... what do you think about the timing for you both? What are the things that are going on that create worry in you? Again, Pm if wanted. Would you like to talk some of it over? Of course, you’ll get more of our opinions in threads.
 

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You're missing an option for both. I have a natural connection with healthy esfps. The only type that never drains my energy reserves. Plus they have great taste and tend to know the best places to eat. I also think Esfps are as inspirational as Enfps. My best friend is ESFP. I inspire him to think bigger all the time and he inspires me to do bigger all the time. I don't think he would be as successful without my influence over the years, and likewise I don't think I'd have as many experiences to reflect on without his influence over the years.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
If you like them as a romantic partner, then you like them as a friend as well. The middle option is the "both" option.
 

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Most fun best friend I ever had was an ESFP. She was awesome. We drifted apart, sadly. I miss her sometimes.

Couldn't be with one romantically, though -- too impulsive and reactive.
 

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That's it? Only 7 voters? :sad:
There might not be that much experience with this type out there.... also there are a lot less ENFPs on here than INFJs. This wasn't such a bad turn-out. However, I'd keep it open one more weekend if you want....
It sounds like your cousin really likes a ENFP, but what is the ENFP's reaction? It's a different ENFP, right? Not yours?
 
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