In pain, after a time perhaps, there is a kind of freedom, in truth there is a kind of kindness, in error there is a kind of honesty, in loss a kind of joy and direction; and in invisibility, a kind of power. I can never help but notice once in a great while.
When I am stuck in a pain and hurting, then I know my truest self. Then I know my strength and feel my endurance. I become energized again. I become powerful. I become patient. I am comfortable feeling any emotion, not scared to give in to grimacing, not scared to frown, not scared to forgive, not scared to go against my pet convictions, my instincts, my principles, to work under or alongside my enemy, not scared of anything. I can face anything that is appropriate, natural, temporary or necessary. Whatever needs doing for the present moment. I can choose to handle it, especially the more serious and personal it is.
When I hear a hard truth, I can make improvements I wouldn't have otherwise been able to see or wanted to.
When I lose something I would never have been able to get rid of myself, and cannot find or recover it after much seeking and trying, then I can truly feel what it means to be content and my heart strangely rejoices, and I can move to where I should be next.
When I see error or make it, like truth, it also reveals the unseen.
When in invisibility, and loneliness, I can sometimes be so unseen as to touch a stubborn way of life so that it doesn't even know I have changed its course, gentle like pulling a thorn from a lion paw. Perhaps it is deceptive, but I just want the happiness and well-being of the object at hand. It gives me joy to see something thrive. What need for praise do I have anymore when I get to see something as beautiful as improvement?
To become calm in the face of adversity, when appropriate and not detrimental (i.e. calm, not necessarily silent or passive) is the ultimate dignity, if I may be so bold. So rare. So precious. So happy.
To be able to find or create happiness in unhappiness is the most potent happiness of all. My goal is authenticity. So sometimes I do crazy things because of it. Unwise things. Dangerous things. Sacrificial things. Thoughtless things. Reckless things. Unkind things. Etc. Whatever I need to be. Whatever the balance would be, I am determined to find it, though I may make mistakes in the meanwhile.
I live to be flexible: it's what I'm good at -- being flexible for me is like what making schedules is to another, or accomplishing goals to another, or being known for wonderful things to another, or doing great selfless acts is for another: and many other things I may not be so good at. To me it feels like an art, the nuances and patterns fascinate me: things as simple as cause and effect: the pure sensation of what is actually happening and the possibilities and the absolute requirements. Maybe it sounds dramatic. But then again, so is art of any kind if you really think about it. It's stimulating. It helps you think. It helps you act. It helps you know. It helps you understand. It's an improvement, or at least a viewpoint, which is a start to an improvement. And perhaps on the outside it appears, or in fact, IS like I am taking it all lying down, head in the sand, coward, wimp, liar, two-faced, emotional, insecure, loner, but I feel the exact opposite when things get really tough like this, when there is an occasion to rise to, a leaking crack that needs a patch. I feel adventurous, I feel brave, I feel helpful, I feel logical and practical, I feel raw unbridled love: I feel capable, I feel energy, I feel creativity. It's a wordless rush. In fact in this instance: I can know that I have been capable, not only feel it. I can be sure and certain of what is happening, for the moment. I can see faintly, temporarily where it is going and how to get ahead of the curve if I am watchful. I can make plans, even, in my own weak way. Think out longer-term solutions, if I can stay in he groove long enough, if I can learn the nuances of the hole I'm filling, if I can be in an assisting and flexible role, and am listened to and equally considered.
Sometimes knowing you are not needed at present, or it may feel, unfortunately, not needed EVER, though it may be painful and full of rejection or dejection or disappointments or even be plain lazy and self-centered, is the best way to find out what holes there are to fill, what places could use a flexible person. Nothing makes a sharper eye for a blindspot than one who is familiar with insecurities in general and where to find them and how to heal them.
Hopefully that doesn't all sound too pompous, I'm just explaining how I feed about what my way of life feels like at times. As usual, just seeking to be understood and appreciated. haha