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Discussion Starter #1
If there is a blog section on this site, my post count isn't high enough to see it. This will do instead.

Ananke, the dictator of fate, the personification of necessity. The binding contract made both when one hurts and when one helps another. The force behind love and the morality behind hate.

I am only writing to interact with my own thoughts. I have nothing to say and nothing to think, and nor do I have anyone to say nothing to other than myself.

I can't stand feeling this bad physically. I have very little hope right now. There isn't any purpose in anything. No purpose in feeling this bad, no purpose in both lowering meds and not lowering them, and definitely no purpose in writing this. I can't think of a reason to wake up every morning with nothing to do or look forward to, no sign of progress in my condition, no way to navigate my addictions, and nothing to occupy my time.

I have very little faith in humanity at the moment but I can't bring myself to care because it feels pointless. I am stuck either way. I will keep on keeping on for now because it's what I do. Why? I don't know, it's by rote. I'm used to this. I'm usually less of a miserable self pitying mess, though.

I don't know how to get where I need to go, I don't know where I need to go other than "healthy and off meds", and... I don't know. I am trying to muster up anger right now in an attempt at fueling determination but I can't. It's too much of an energy expenditure.

I don't want to be a constant human experiment. I already have been all my life. Literally. I am mutated beyond comprehension both physically and psychologically. I am a thread with no needle. An hourglass with no sand.

I have never managed to fit into any community. My only source of support has just been taken from me "for my own good". Please, everyone, do me a favor and stop trying to do things that are good for me. Just abuse me openly and honestly. It would hurt less.
 

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There will be abuse here. There is enough of that on the planet already to last an eternity.

One thing us human beings have when all else seems lost is an abundance of “Hope”. Sometimes that is all we have, It is what gets us into the next day during those difficult times of human existence.

In Greek Mythology Ananka was also a goddess. If I remember correctly even Freud mentions her in one of his books because of her Link to Eros. The great god of love where would we be without him?

If you feel you would be healthier off meds, go off the meds. You don't say what meds but I am assuming, probably quite wrongly that it may be an SSRI or something in that family of medications.

Go get some therapy, it is well known to be bas good as of not better than any meds.

You seem in a pretty tough place but ask yourself this:

What is it inside of me that got me to this place in the face of all adversity and despair
 

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Discussion Starter #4
What is it inside of me that got me to this place in the face of all adversity and despair?

Depends what you want to call it. Insanity is one possibility. There are some situations where it's crazier to keep on living than it is to kill yourself. Will is another. I have an incredible amount of drive. I feel I was born with it in order to overcome some impossibly difficult karmic soul cycle. Willpower is the only thing that's stayed fixed about my personality. I have no idea who I am other than that, outside of that. I don't want to define myself by my struggle. I don't know what else though. I need to be something.

Back this past year when I was focusing on overcoming and dealing with my past, I didn't realize the extent of it. I didn't realize how much the past is still my present. I'm mourning the loss of my body ever functioning normally again. I'm mourning the way my body has been destroyed by doctors and medicine in general. I feel beyond violated.

At the same time, I not so secretly crave softness and goodness. I want to be light, I want light, I want... too much. I am not wanting gently enough.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
I think what you are is a poet.
Aw, thank you. A bored poet.

I read somewhere a long time ago that creative people are never bored. Or maybe it was the opposite? (Bored people are always creative?) Don't remember. Both seem equally true.

On a(n un)related note, I am still existing.
 

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If there is a blog section on this site, my post count isn't high enough to see it. This will do instead.

Ananke, the dictator of fate, the personification of necessity. The binding contract made both when one hurts and when one helps another. The force behind love and the morality behind hate.

I am only writing to interact with my own thoughts. I have nothing to say and nothing to think, and nor do I have anyone to say nothing to other than myself.

I can't stand feeling this bad physically. I have very little hope right now. There isn't any purpose in anything. No purpose in feeling this bad, no purpose in both lowering meds and not lowering them, and definitely no purpose in writing this. I can't think of a reason to wake up every morning with nothing to do or look forward to, no sign of progress in my condition, no way to navigate my addictions, and nothing to occupy my time.

I have very little faith in humanity at the moment but I can't bring myself to care because it feels pointless. I am stuck either way. I will keep on keeping on for now because it's what I do. Why? I don't know, it's by rote. I'm used to this. I'm usually less of a miserable self pitying mess, though.

I don't know how to get where I need to go, I don't know where I need to go other than "healthy and off meds", and... I don't know. I am trying to muster up anger right now in an attempt at fueling determination but I can't. It's too much of an energy expenditure.

I don't want to be a constant human experiment. I already have been all my life. Literally. I am mutated beyond comprehension both physically and psychologically. I am a thread with no needle. An hourglass with no sand.

I have never managed to fit into any community. My only source of support has just been taken from me "for my own good". Please, everyone, do me a favor and stop trying to do things that are good for me. Just abuse me openly and honestly. It would hurt less.
I sympathize with you. Do you get any form of therapy? Have you been able to pinpoint the cause of your depression?
 

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Discussion Starter #11
I love when people intentionally sidestep the official process so they can get away with doing what they want to someone else with no overarching rules or regulations that would otherwise offer the recipient protection.
 
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