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Who here is gay and INTP? Well, I am. And I have been single since forever, and am increasingly finding it hard to find someone special.

I would say I am quite insecure in things like love, relationships and affection. This is probably because I never experienced them and try to avoid thinking about them if I can. But when I do, I feel lonely, and wish I had a soulmate in my life.

I do not go to gay bars and any LGBT events. I have been to one before, but I didn't really like it. I do not like groups of people or parties. I tried online dating once, and had a horrible experience.

What I look for in a partner: extraversion, loyal, protective. Older than me. Taller than me. Rich in money and intellect, preferably from a good university (Oxford, Cambridge or Harvard). Understands and loves me intensely. Comes from a good family; they also love me. Caucasian. I am in deep trouble, am I not?

If anyone here is INTP and gay and don't mind sharing their experiences in love, I would truly appreciate it!
 

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What I look for in a partner: extraversion, loyal, protective. Older than me. Taller than me. Rich in money and intellect, preferably from a good university (Oxford, Cambridge or Harvard). Understands and loves me intensely. Comes from a good family; they also love me. Caucasian. I am in deep trouble, am I not?
Definitely. Some of your preferences seem completely arbitrary to me, but who am I to criticize your fantasies? I would just advice you not to look for someone who lives up to all or even most of these expectations though. This might sound cliché, but I think it is true: if you have found someone who you really love, you will probably not have found him by rationally applying a bunch of criteria based on ideals/preferences. In fact, I have always found myself rationalizing my romantic feelings for others after becoming infatuated with them; if you are not intrigued, puzzled or confused by your feelings, then you are simply not in love, I guess. However, I must also be honest, these are my personal prejudices speaking; these are well-informed prejudices, but prejudices nonetheless.

Also, I usually describe myself as a bisexual, but I have only had relationship experiences with women. Moreover, the only serious romantic relationship I have ever been in is the one I am in right now. When it comes to flirting with and picking up men, I am ridiculously inept. Back when I was still single, I always had the idea that men were so very romantically unapproachable (at least, in normal everyday situations where I actually got to know them and care about them); it made them both much more interesting and much more frustrating to deal with than most women. I always felt as though confessing my romantic feelings to men was so much more risky than confessing my romantic feelings to women. However, I am digressing... I just wanted to post this to kinda support you. Haha
 

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Definitely. Some of your preferences seem completely arbitrary to me, but who am I to criticize your fantasies? I would just advice you not to look for someone who lives up to all or even most of these expectations though. This might sound cliché, but I think it is true: if you have found someone who you really love, you will probably not have found him by rationally applying a bunch of criteria based on ideals/preferences. In fact, I have always found myself rationalizing my romantic feelings for others after becoming infatuated with them; if you are not intrigued, puzzled or confused by your feelings, then you are simply not in love, I guess. However, I must also be honest, these are my personal prejudices speaking; these are well-informed prejudices, but prejudices nonetheless.

Also, I usually describe myself as a bisexual, but I have only had relationship experiences with women. Moreover, the only serious romantic relationship I have ever been in is the one I am in right now. When it comes to flirting with and picking up men, I am ridiculously inept. Back when I was still single, I always had the idea that men were so very romantically unapproachable (at least, in normal everyday situations where I actually got to know them and care about them); it made them both much more interesting and much more frustrating to deal with than most women. I always felt as though confessing my romantic feelings to men was so much more risky than confessing my romantic feelings to women. However, I am digressing... I just wanted to post this to kinda support you. Haha
Thanks for the support. I need and appreciate it :)

I agree Ideals and Realities do not always converge. My real life crushes range from business men to guys who work at the canteen. But I let my ideals get in the way a lot.

Then again, if I didn't have any ideals, I wouldn't be who I am.
 

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I'm not gay/lesbian, but would find it interesting to hear about INTP experiences of being gay -- we tend to get a good sense of the frameworks of things, and thus our explanations/descriptions are pretty useful for making comparisons between various sets of experiences. it's a learning experience, I think, to hear of such things.

one question -- how do you find potential partners, if you don't attend the typical social gatherings and such? How do you determine whether a particular man will open to being in a relationship with you? It's not like gay men carry decoder rings or have special handshakes, although I know gaydar exists. Just curious what outlets you use to meet people (online forums, for example?)
 

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Your problem does not appear to come from you being gay.

...not saying you said it is, just...saying...
 

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I'm not gay/lesbian, but would find it interesting to hear about INTP experiences of being gay -- we tend to get a good sense of the frameworks of things, and thus our explanations/descriptions are pretty useful for making comparisons between various sets of experiences. it's a learning experience, I think, to hear of such things.

one question -- how do you find potential partners, if you don't attend the typical social gatherings and such? How do you determine whether a particular man will open to being in a relationship with you? It's not like gay men carry decoder rings or have special handshakes, although I know gaydar exists. Just curious what outlets you use to meet people (online forums, for example?)
We just don't, I guess. Or maybe by chance.
 

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U need to come to san francisco. I am by no means gay, but at least twice a day a gay dude will check me out or flirt. If i was gay id probably get more ass than i do being straight. Im just sayin.
 
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While I am sexually attracted to both men and women, I've only ever had romantic feelings for women. In terms of relationships and marriage, I suppose that makes me gay.

As the only child of an overprotective and socially conservative family, it was difficult for me to date anyone, much less women. So, when I was younger, my love life consisted mainly of online relationships. I was definitely someone who enjoyed the benefits of not having to stumble over words in person. So when I was interested in someone online, I'd normally be pretty flirtatious. Though, I think I was a lot more open about that than I'd be normally because I wasn't particularly serious.

It wasn't until my first year of college that I really began to branch out and explore in real life, and as it turned out, I was a lot more reserved in person. Even so, I never really lacked for company. I actually seemed to meet more interested women than many of my male friends, which struck us as rather odd. In hindsight, I think it was a combination of me being attracted to different characteristics, and perhaps even the novelty of being with another woman that appealed to some of them. There were a few that actually considered themselves straight.

Anyway, there has definitely been a pattern to how my romantic relationships tend to develop, and it always starts with long conversations. I met one of them through a friend. Another one, I offered to share an umbrella with while she was walking back to her dormitory in the rain. My first love I actually met in a team-building exercise during Orientation Week in freshman year. Sometimes, we would talk about things that we think about a lot, that we wouldn't be able to work into most conversations. Oftentimes, we'd share parts of ourselves that are normally hidden. Always, there'd be a bond.

The strange thing is, I've never gone into those initial conversations with romance in mind. But in some random conversation, there'd be a touch, or a look. We'd carry on as we usually do and most likely talk until 3AM in the morning. And then, somehow, we'd be holding each other, or kissing.

After I matured some more and random online flings didn't have the appeal that it used to, this pattern actually carried into my online life. Of my three most serious relationships, I met one in real life, and two online. And for all of those relationships, we started out simply being friends.

My INFJ, @Perspicacious, who currently lives with me, is one of the two I met online. When we started talking, our bond was pretty much instantaneous. She was intelligent and thoughtful. A deep thinker. Self-aware in ways that I very much respected and admired. We'd had similar upbringings, and also ended up sharing our views on child-rearing, which turned out to be surprisingly similar. We talked about pretty much everything. Music, politics, typology, relationship etiquette, the meaning of love and respect, and the list goes on. I had (and am still having) a great deal of fun getting to know her. I think we both love the fact that there is a mutual understanding, trust and respect between us that we generally haven't been able to enjoy with other people. Of course, it also helps that we are able to connect on an intellectual level.
 

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What I look for in a partner: extraversion, loyal, protective. Older than me. Taller than me. Rich in money and intellect, preferably from a good university (Oxford, Cambridge or Harvard). Understands and loves me intensely. Comes from a good family; they also love me. Caucasian. I am in deep trouble, am I not?
Sorry, I'm not an INTP, so I don't know if my opinion will be less appreciated but...whatever.
In my personal experience, "like" tends to attract "like", even if "like" may not be attracted to "like."

What I am a saying is that everything you have described in an ideal partner is highly valued among many different groups of people. I am confident that the majority of Asian, black, Middle Eastern and white straight women and gay men want exactly what you want in a man.The reality is, however, there are so few men that actually fit that category, that there's simply not "enough to go around". So, people tend to date what's available instead.

If you realistically want to find someone who fits that description, you will also need to be an outgoing, wealthy, well-educated (and probably attractive), white male. Also, since you're looking for someone who's (physically?) protective and taller than you, then you are more likely to want someone who identifies as a "top". Again, "straight-acting/masculine tops" are usually "in short supply", so you have to work extra hard to make yourself desirable (I'm not trying to assume anything about your desirability; I'm just speaking 100% from personal experience.)

That being said, if you already are all or most of those things, then your chances are greatly increased. If that's the case, I think you would have an easy time finding a partner because other people would be interested in getting to know you since those qualities are so desirable to so many people. To be completely honest, if you're really committed to finding a partner, I think you would benefit highly from moving to Scandinavia, particularly Norway, Sweden. Relocating ( I assume you're English since you mention Oxford, Cambridge, etc.) is definitely worth finding love, in my opinion.

The most you would have to do is find a job and hang out at a local gym (preferably in a large city). If you see a guy secretly (or blatantly) checking you out, all you have to do is make eye contact and smile back coyly. Then, follow him to the locker room and say, "Hey, what's your name?" and ask him to hang out; that's really all it takes. Men are not like women who need to be seduced by open competition and complex contextual strategies. Men tend to be horny all the time so, we don't necessarily need to make small talk in order to express romantic interest in someone.

So, yeah, good luck!
 

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Sorry, I'm not an INTP, so I don't know if my opinion will be less appreciated but...whatever.
In my personal experience, "like" tends to attract "like", even if "like" may not be attracted to "like."

What I am a saying is that everything you have described in an ideal partner is highly valued among many different groups of people. I am confident that the majority of Asian, black, Middle Eastern and white straight women and gay men want exactly what you want in a man.The reality is, however, there are so few men that actually fit that category, that there's simply not "enough to go around". So, people tend to date what's available instead.

If you realistically want to find someone who fits that description, you will also need to be an outgoing, wealthy, well-educated (and probably attractive), white male. Also, since you're looking for someone who's (physically?) protective and taller than you, then you are more likely to want someone who identifies as a "top". Again, "straight-acting/masculine tops" are usually "in short supply", so you have to work extra hard to make yourself desirable (I'm not trying to assume anything about your desirability; I'm just speaking 100% from personal experience.)

That being said, if you already are all or most of those things, then your chances are greatly increased. If that's the case, I think you would have an easy time finding a partner because other people would be interested in getting to know you since those qualities are so desirable to so many people. To be completely honest, if you're really committed to finding a partner, I think you would benefit highly from moving to Scandinavia, particularly Norway, Sweden. Relocating ( I assume you're English since you mention Oxford, Cambridge, etc.) is definitely worth finding love, in my opinion.

The most you would have to do is find a job and hang out at a local gym (preferably in a large city). If you see a guy secretly (or blatantly) checking you out, all you have to do is make eye contact and smile back coyly. Then, follow him to the locker room and say, "Hey, what's your name?" and ask him to hang out; that's really all it takes. Men are not like women who need to be seduced by open competition and complex contextual strategies. Men tend to be horny all the time so, we don't necessarily need to make small talk in order to express romantic interest in someone.

So, yeah, good luck!
Thanks for your post.

I'm not English. (But I did study at Oxford. I hope there are no stalkers.)

I am the kind of person who will not force myself to search for someone. I will wait patiently for someone to find me. And they do. But then I find out they are straight. And they are just naturally touchy feely and loves smiling.

You say men are not like women, and that is a generalisation.

I used to go to the gym, but not anymore. I am not sure that I will find my soulmate in a gym. I have this idea in my head that this guy likes rock climbing.

I don't think I want to move to Northern Europe because it's way too cold (I've been there a few times). But I live nearby...

I just woke up so I am sorry if my thoughts are a bit terse.

Thanks for the good luck! I am optimistic for some reason today.
 

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I identify as bi and I recently came out to my parents and a couple of close friends but as far as relationships with the same sex, they've been limited. Currently in grad school in a mild-moderate homophobic city as well as a minority which is an entirely different headache in a city who's racial tensions run deep. I've started a profile online but I don't really see myself on "the scene". I plan on attending the local GLBQT community center to meet other people so we'll see how it goes.
 

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I identify as bi and I recently came out to my parents and a couple of close friends but as far as relationships with the same sex, they've been limited. Currently in grad school in a mild-moderate homophobic city as well as a minority which is an entirely different headache in a city who's racial tensions run deep. I've started a profile online but I don't really see myself on "the scene". I plan on attending the local GLBQT community center to meet other people so we'll see how it goes.
Well good luck, and tell us how it goes.
 

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Disclaimer: I identify as "heteroflexible" (Kinsey 2) and while I've gotten with other men before, I'm in a relationship with a woman and don't know if I'd seriously date another man if I weren't (nevermind that I know one parent would already highly disapprove of it; I don't ever plan to come out as "not totally straight" to my parents). So, I may not be the best frame of reference here.

The big thing I'm seeing is, and I'm going to try to put this as inoffensively as I can, which is to say, it's probably going to be really offensive.

Can you imagine what sorts of reactions would happen if a straight female made the OP (minus the being gay parts) and rattled off that list of qualifications for a partner? I mean, if you want someone that idyllic, you're going to have to get out a lot more, because someone like that is going to have everyone going after them. First off, choose what traits in that list are most important to you, and look primarily for those. I mean, intelligence is one thing, but did he really have to go to Harvard? Does it matter if he's a half year younger than you; I mean, if he's intelligent, rich, from a good background, etc., he's likely going to be mature, is he not? There may be one perfect person out there for you, but realistically you'll almost definitely never meet him.

Do you like who you are? If not, can you expect someone who's honestly worth your time to? Look towards self-improvement. Our type doesn't much care for the "stereotypical" places to hook up with and meet potential romantic interests -- what are some things that interest you? I met my current significant other at a convention for an online game (as well as the person who brought out that latent bi part of myself). Look towards events and activities that you personally enjoy; you'll be in your element there and the good parts of your personality will shine there.
 

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Personally, I don't understand why this necro thread needed to be revived. A perfectly nice new Gay INTP thread could've been started without the pretenses outlined in the original post.

But now that it's undead, I feel the need to beg the rhetorical question: Where does a tall, rich, Caucasian, intellectual extrovert Ivy League grad homosexual from a warm, open, and loving family find other tall, rich, Caucasian Ivy League intellectual homosexuals just like him with warm, inclusive, loving families just like his own?


Surely they don't find each other on the leased, manicured grounds at Abercrombie & Fitch or Ralph Lauren photoshoots? It's likely that they don't have time to sample the fare at townie Gay bars either. Perhaps they would all know each other from various networks such as their Ivy League fraternities, summering in St. Barth's, having spent time at each others family homes in the Hamptons, or having crossed paths during social events at their local DAR or Log Cabin Republicans chapter?


Regardless, it certainly stands to reason that these Shining Sons, these... Unicorns... their homosexuality having been almost entirely accepted by both their families and long-standing heterosexual social circles (they managed to assuage all apprehensions by way of their magnetic, gregarious extroversion, you see), would only see bland sameness in each other, instead choosing to seek out, openly welcome, and date outsiders who are entirely unlike them in every single way except intellectually.
 
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