[Targus28]

We met in October 2009, and everything was ok until 6 month come up and i started going crazy and acting very necrotic.I was more or less the same with my ex girlfriend and that ended because apparently, i made her life hell, and id have to agree with really.So after the 6 months, yeah i started acting a bit crazy, accusing her of sleeping with other men, accusing her of giving me a sexual disease and being very insecure and a bit controlling.When i wasn't like that, she loved the normal side to me, and i treated her well, and was a decent boyfriend without all the crazy stuff.So i started pushing her away with all this behavior, and the relationship was very on and off mainly because of me

After the first serious breakup, and with no job, i finally thought its time to sort myself out and except i might need to be on medication and get professional help.After 6 weeks, we got back together, but i wasn't on the right dose of med, and my anxious negative behavior was still there.We broke up again, because of my very neurotic behavior.After a long break, we got back together, with the disapproval of most of her friends and family and i finally found a dose of citalopram which worked for me, and most of neoritc behavior in the relationship vanished as i didn't have that horrible anxious feeling in my stomach anymore that something bad was happening/going to happen and freak out in UN-healthy ways.This time thou, she was unsure i had really changed, and was worried that i would just slip back into my old ways, the trust had a gone a bit, and because of my behavior in the past, there was obliviously a bit of anger there too.I realized that she too, had a few issues she needed to work out with herself and work on herself, we had a bit of an argument and it we i think we both just needed some more space to sort ourselves out and we had another break for a few months.I went away for a week, and just did some more thinking about myself, working some things out, and thought it would be good to let her do the same.After 7 weeks, i text her and and asked how she was doing and she replied and i was really happy she did.I told her she still needed to go away in October (Shes going traveling) and i would still like to see how she was doing now and again.I invited her out for a drink yesterday, and we caught up, there was still something there and i could tell she still has something for me, we ended up going back to my place and sleeping together

I want her to travel, i think she needs to do it, and I'm for her that she is.She was meant to do it last year but called it off last minute and got back with me.This time, i don't want her to do that.Thinking of myself, i do love being around her, and spending time with her, and there is an attraction there and feelings, but I'm unsure on how to deal with it now.I don't want to make the same mistake, spending lots of time together etc, because i think we both need out own space sometimes.But when i don't ask her if she wants to go for a meal, or come round, i feel like, i'm not attending to her needs by seeing her, and go off and find someone who will.I want to see her, but at the same time i don't wanna rush into things and i wont want get into the old routine of the other times, end up falling out, and losing her as a friend also

What do you guys think?

Any advice or input would be greatly appreciated, i just don't have many people i can talk to about this and i felt like i needed to get it off my head

P.S

I will say also, i'm waiting for psychotherapy on the national NHS in England, but its going to be another 10 months until i'm seen.I would also like to add, this girl is an ISTP, she 22 and im 25 just to give a bit more info

Kind regards

 

[infpblog]

You got your dosage right which has made your day-to-day life more manageable. Just because you've manage the right dosage, doesn't mean you've actually changed. You're still the person you were before you started meds. Those fears, insecurities, deep seated issues that affect relationships don't go away because you get your dosage right.

So if you haven't changed. And she probably hasn't changed. Then the same trust issues will come up again in 6 months. And the won't be any more resolvable with both of your current relationship skill sets then they were the last time. She can't make you happy because only you can do that. What she can do is distract you from unhappiness and the things you're trying to fix. Sometimes distraction is what you need but you have to ask if that's what you or she deserves.

 

[mushr00m]

Im so sorry that you are going though this. It must be hell getting your emotional state to normal whilst maintaining a relationship. What you must remember though is that you are not a bad person, you suffer with anxiety/depression and whilst you have taken steps to improve your state of mind, there has been the occasion of problems with medication which if not taken how it needs to be, can cause your mind to go haywire and affect those around you.
What you must remember though and due to our need to keep our identity intact which when that is in a stable place, we can handle things like relationships etc. Why are you pushing your girlfriend away? Is it possibly due to low self worth or because you don't think she will accept you even with your flaws? It sounds like you love each other very much but you also want to do things, enjoy things in life etc. And that couldn't be a better thing. Do your own thing too, give yourself some nurturing and knowing you are booked for psychotherapy will be something to look forward to, make the most of the therapy, get what you can from it. I can't think of much else but I have a feeling that things will get better for you. Don't give yourself such a hard time, we all fuck up. Your cool! (((hugs)))

 

[potato]

(Keep in mind I should probably never give advice)
I'm not sure but after she comes back from traveling you can do whatever you want together

So I would see it as this. Do nothing/little with her, she goes traveling, whatever, she comes back from traveling and you pick up from where you left off.
Or be with her, she goes traveling, constantly thinking about her (and she has time to think also), she comes back and ends it or chooses to be with you.

The 2nd one can hurt you more but you get to be with her now if you want to. I don't know which 1 will give you a better chance.
Then there's the third option of keeping her interested until she goes traveling then pick up where you left off when she comes back. Might be better but could suck now and no potential relationship after.
Remember you want her to be happy as swell though right?
I hope the best for you.

 

[Targus28]

You got your dosage right which has made your day-to-day life more manageable. Just because you've manage the right dosage, doesn't mean you've actually changed. You're still the person you were before you started meds. Those fears, insecurities, deep seated issues that affect relationships don't go away because you get your dosage right.

So if you haven't changed. And she probably hasn't changed. Then the same trust issues will come up again in 6 months. And the won't be any more resolvable with both of your current relationship skill sets then they were the last time. She can't make you happy because only you can do that. What she can do is distract you from unhappiness and the things you're trying to fix. Sometimes distraction is what you need but you have to ask if that's what you or she deserves.

What would you suggest? I mean, shes going away in October for at least 6 months travelling, and im completely ok with that and this should give me time to work on myself, and for her to work on herself also.I just don't wanna mess this up, i tried being without her, she tried being without me, we both missed each other and now we are seeing each other again.Im not sure if i have changed, your right them deep issues are still there, and the tablets are just stopping them thoughts, from affecting my feelings in a negative way, driving my crazy.I do have psychotherapy on the way, its going to be another 10 months, and i hope that will help.In the mean time, i'm also trying to think of ways i can improve, why i think the way i think, etc

 

[illicit iridescence]

Acknowledging what @infpblog said, with the addition that I think taking time for yourselves is a good thing, thus s good decision.

 

[mimesis]

I will say also, i'm waiting for psychotherapy on the national NHS in England, but its going to be another 10 months until i'm seen.I would also like to add, this girl is an ISTP, she 22 and im 25 just to give a bit more info


Kind regards

You wrote in an earlier post about your childhood and youth. It was a different subject so I chose not to get into that. Now you write this post, and I must admit, I was a bit afraid of this to be the case. I think you are really a nice guy, with a good heart, a talented musician with ambition, but I think there's still a lot from the past that you need to process first in order to move on without interference from the past or even being controlled by it. You cannot just leave it behind, try to forget or numb with medication. That's my opinion, and experience.

There's a reason why you get so anxious. It's like an alarm system that sets of really easy, because of experiences when you were young and didn't understand what was going on and why. Or you learned that it's not trustworthy. You're not turning away from love, but you don't feel safe either. Off course you know that yourself, otherwise you wouldn't have asked for therapy. 10 months is a long time still.

You could also follow the thread on 'feeling accepted and positive regard' that just started, and post there if you feel the need.

http://personalitycafe.com/infp-for...g-accepted-unconditional-positive-regard.html

 

[JerseyDevil]

I think you have way too many things to work on with just yourself and should break the cycle of being with this person, breaking up, and then getting back together over and over. Blaming your issues on wrong medication dosages is kind of immature. I don't mean that to say that you are childish, I mean it to say you sound inexperienced and really need to get yourself healthy first so that you can have healthy interactions with other women and learn from your mistakes, as opposed to repeatedly not listening to all the signs that you keep telling yourself or using medication to numb your feelings. Quite frankly, sometimes insecurities and feelings are there for a reason. We aren't meant to only feel happy and good (or worse, numb) all the time. The other problem is that she is younger and also immature, and keeps allowing you to get back with her.

There is no reason to settle for someone you keep breaking up with. You can do better.

 

[infpblog]

What would you suggest?

Odds are 4 months from now, you guys are going to have some blow up before she leaves that you're not going to be able to resolve with your current skill sets. That's not set in stone, but that's the pattern. Here's the thing. That's okay. Things don't have to last forever to be perfect.

So if the pattern is you'll be fine for 4 months and you'll start getting possessive and weird then acknowledge it and take responsibility that it will probably be your fault this time. You want to be together then that's fine. That means you have 4 months to make the eventual break up worthwhile.

You probably won't be able to solve your current issues before you meet with the psychotherapist and so everything you trying to do to "fix" your life isn't really working out. So stop. You can't do the same thing and get a different result. Take a break.

What you can do is help her become a better person. Ask her what she needs for her to get her closer to the life she wants. Ask yourself, what can I do to help her be a better person 4 months from now than she is today? Do it selflessly and don't expect her to come back to you, be loyal, or return the favor. You know you're doing it right when 4 months she strong enough to face her life without you. You're going to have to be able to do this with any future relationship so you might as well practice with her.

As for self-work, don't concentrate on too many things. It hasn't been working. Find one habit about yourself that you want to change and replace with a better habit, getting up early, exercising more, do yoga, whatever. Tell her that's the one habit you need her help with. If you guys can do it together, that's even better. It will take 3 months for the habit to kick into automatic if you do it every day. This way she feels like she's contributing to you so the relationship is balanced.

That way you both get something out of it. She will be better off then she is today and more ready to face the challenges of her travel. You get 4 months of distraction and closer to your psychotherapist.

 

[Michael82]

i'm also trying to think of ways i can improve, why i think the way i think, etc

i used to try that with my ex but it wouldnt help. i feel much more relieved thinking/feeling of who i am and how i feel and just showing that to other people. i now know i too need time for myself and just cant be with someone all the time if i'd be in a relationship. i think and feel as if that kind of space that i need every day would solve the problem of being too close. that balance creates long-lasting relationships .

What would you suggest?

i would suggest you to talk to your girlfriend about how you sometimes need the space for yourself, just because of being you and not because of being anxious and such. sometimes its good to find your own happiness by putting your energy into yourself. maybe for an hour or two every day. after a tough day you could hang out in front of the telly or do something else relaxing. your girl wont walk away for that reason, because she did come back to you every time to try sort things out. :happy:

 

[perfectcircle]

Do you know why you get so anxious/accusatory?

 

[Targus28]

Do you know why you get so anxious/accusatory?

Fear i think, also, prob alot to do with my upbringing, catching my mum cheating on my Dad.Not feeling im good enough, or flawed.Although i'm getting better with this

 

[Targus28]

I think you have way too many things to work on with just yourself and should break the cycle of being with this person, breaking up, and then getting back together over and over. Blaming your issues on wrong medication dosages is kind of immature. I don't mean that to say that you are childish, I mean it to say you sound inexperienced and really need to get yourself healthy first so that you can have healthy interactions with other women and learn from your mistakes, as opposed to repeatedly not listening to all the signs that you keep telling yourself or using medication to numb your feelings. Quite frankly, sometimes insecurities and feelings are there for a reason. We aren't meant to only feel happy and good (or worse, numb) all the time. The other problem is that she is younger and also immature, and keeps allowing you to get back with her.

There is no reason to settle for someone you keep breaking up with. You can do better.

I think you maybe have got me wrong, or i didn't word it right.I have never blamed my problems on medication doses.Im aware my problems are a combination of my past experiences, and me unable to deal with and understand my negative emotions.In the past year, having the breaks, I've done more introspection and realized more and more why i act the way i do, and if its rational or a flawed thought.I'm more aware of why i think like i do, and I'm more aware of why exactly i'm thinking it and able to kind of shun it off

What i was trying to say, is that i knew i needed medication for my anxiety, and that 10mg wasn't strong enough as the neurotic behavior was still coming out.Once i got on 20mg and in the relationship, not once have i acted crazy/weird.But i am aware, that this is just a plaster, and the problem is still there, which is why I'm waiting for psychotherapy

 

[mimesis]

Fear i think, also, prob alot to do with my upbringing, catching my mum cheating on my Dad.Not feeling im good enough, or flawed.Although i'm getting better with this

I can see you don't want to blame the past for it, which is good in the way you take responsibility for your actions.

I have the link to the other post from you, I could imagine you don't want to repeat it.

http://personalitycafe.com/infp-for...ined-life-out-me-post2392874.html#post2392874

(if you want me to take it away, just ask).

 

[Targus28]

I think you have way too many things to work on with just yourself and should break the cycle of being with this person, breaking up, and then getting back together over and over. Blaming your issues on wrong medication dosages is kind of immature. I don't mean that to say that you are childish, I mean it to say you sound inexperienced and really need to get yourself healthy first so that you can have healthy interactions with other women and learn from your mistakes, as opposed to repeatedly not listening to all the signs that you keep telling yourself or using medication to numb your feelings. Quite frankly, sometimes insecurities and feelings are there for a reason. We aren't meant to only feel happy and good (or worse, numb) all the time. The other problem is that she is younger and also immature, and keeps allowing you to get back with her.

There is no reason to settle for someone you keep breaking up with. You can do better.

Yes i agree, negative feelings are normal, but mine was coming out in crazy ways, for crazy reasons completely unfounded.All my friends where telling me, i need to get some help.Right now, all i can do is take the meds, and wait for therapy.Yes they are numbing the negative feelings, but there doing there job, and they work which i suppose is good but ill need real help so i can get off the tabs.Addressing the real problems that are still there.Now I'm more in-control thou, and the sort of weird, out of control behavior has gone, i really want to make this relationship work, i do love her and i know that its all this past crap, that is making me go crazy in relationships.If i sorted that, i think i would be fine.She has said, she loves the normal side to me, but she doesnt know that crazy/neurotic/weird/psycho side, i was nothing like that in the first 6 months and after that, i made her life hell a bit.I do accept full responsibility for whats happened, i just want to do the best i can now, to have the highest chance of things going smoothly.Maybe that chance is low, but i have hope, and i now understand more than ever, why that chance is so low, its me, and my neurotic/anxious behavior which yeh, is currently being suppressed by the tabs.The thing now is, that the trust that she has that i wont act like that, has gone, and shes uncertain if ill carry on being normal

 

[mimesis]

Yes i agree, negative feelings are normal, but mine was coming out in crazy ways, for crazy reasons completely unfounded.All my friends where telling me, i need to get some help.Right now, all i can do is take the meds, and wait for therapy.Yes they are numbing the negative feelings, but there doing there job, and they work which i suppose is good but ill need real help so i can get off the tabs.Addressing the real problems that are still there.Now I'm more in-control thou, and the sort of weird, out of control behavior has gone, i really want to make this relationship work, i do love her and i know that its all this past crap, that is making me go crazy in relationships.If i sorted that, i think i would be fine.She has said, she loves the normal side to me, but she doesnt know that crazy/neurotic/weird/psycho side, i was nothing like that in the first 6 months and after that, i made her life hell a bit.I do accept full responsibility for whats happened, i just want to do the best i can now, to have the highest chance of things going smoothly.Maybe that chance is low, but i have hope, and i now understand more than ever, why that chance is so low, its me, and my neurotic/anxious behavior which yeh, is currently being suppressed by the tabs.The thing now is, that the trust that she has that i wont act like that, has gone, and shes uncertain if ill carry on being normal

Yes, but I agree with @infpblog you need to set viable targets and realistic expectations. You're not going to help yourself when you ask too much from yourself. You don't need to prove anything.

 

[JerseyDevil]

Yes i agree, negative feelings are normal, but mine was coming out in crazy ways, for crazy reasons completely unfounded.All my friends where telling me, i need to get some help.Right now, all i can do is take the meds, and wait for therapy.Yes they are numbing the negative feelings, but there doing there job, and they work which i suppose is good but ill need real help so i can get off the tabs.Addressing the real problems that are still there.Now I'm more in-control thou, and the sort of weird, out of control behavior has gone, i really want to make this relationship work, i do love her and i know that its all this past crap, that is making me go crazy in relationships.If i sorted that, i think i would be fine.She has said, she loves the normal side to me, but she doesnt know that crazy/neurotic/weird/psycho side, i was nothing like that in the first 6 months and after that, i made her life hell a bit.I do accept full responsibility for whats happened, i just want to do the best i can now, to have the highest chance of things going smoothly.Maybe that chance is low, but i have hope, and i now understand more than ever, why that chance is so low, its me, and my neurotic/anxious behavior which yeh, is currently being suppressed by the tabs.The thing now is, that the trust that she has that i wont act like that, has gone, and shes uncertain if ill carry on being normal

Fair enough, your bad feelings were coming out in unhealthy ways. However, have you considered that it was still right of you to feel that way? What makes you think that only your past is causing you to feel a certain way about her? Yes, maybe you love this person, but the feelings that made you insecure about her may still be 'correct' or 'right' feelings and she may not be the one for you.

I don't know if that is the case one way or the other, I'm just saying don't be so quick to discount your feelings just because you let them out in unhealthy ways in the past. The feelings themselves may still be quite valid, and I'm not sure that numbing what is essentially the way you tell yourself what is good/bad/safe/dangerous/etc. is the best answer in this particular case. This isn't to say you shouldn't be on meds before you get to therapy, I'm just saying that it might be a bad idea to think being with this person is a good idea when you have medication that is affecting how you think and feel.

In the end though, I get the feeling this is going to be a life lesson for you one way or another.

 

[Krista]

I know I'm not an INFP but I'll add my two cents. Everybody's responses have been really good. The main things that stuck out to me in your post was the accusations and suspicious thinking that people who care about you are trying to hurt you. Even if there is nothing to really back up those claims, like your girlfriend is giving you std's. Though I don't know where those thoughts came from. It's clear to me that there is a self-esteem issue behind some of your thinking. You also seem to be drawing conclusions from random places. You have admitted yourself that your thoughts are crazy sometimes. I don't know her side of the story and everyone one has their problems but in order to help your relationship you first have to help yourself. That doesn't mean that everything is your fault or that you have to accept full responsibility for the negative things. It just means that you've got to take care of yourself before you can take care of another.

I understand that the psychotherapy is to help with your thoughts but there are some things you can do before then. I think one of the main things you can do is something called thought stopping and challenging the beliefs that you have. In order to thought stop you have to realize that your thoughts are repetitive and are only distorting reality. Sometimes when people think too much they over analyze and what could be a simple solution becomes complex. Stopping those thoughts means stopping them before they get too complex leading you to accept a what the world has presented you versus an analyzed version. Challenging your beliefs is a little more difficult. You have to realize that something may not be realistic and look for evidence to either prove or disprove those beliefs. The belief that your girlfriend is cheating on you sounds like it's a self-esteem problem. If there is no evidence then it's only hurting you and your girlfriend to dwell on it. The same goes for accusing her of giving you std's, though I can see where you got that from if you believed, or if she was in fact cheating on you. I don't know the full situation so I'm just using the examples you've given. I think it's great that your looking for help but try not to depend too much on medication and your future psychotherapy treatment.

 

[Targus28]

Fair enough, your bad feelings were coming out in unhealthy ways. However, have you considered that it was still right of you to feel that way? What makes you think that only your past is causing you to feel a certain way about her? Yes, maybe you love this person, but the feelings that made you insecure about her may still be 'correct' or 'right' feelings and she may not be the one for you.

I don't know if that is the case one way or the other, I'm just saying don't be so quick to discount your feelings just because you let them out in unhealthy ways in the past. The feelings themselves may still be quite valid, and I'm not sure that numbing what is essentially the way you tell yourself what is good/bad/safe/dangerous/etc. is the best answer in this particular case. This isn't to say you shouldn't be on meds before you get to therapy, I'm just saying that it might be a bad idea to think being with this person is a good idea when you have medication that is affecting how you think and feel.

In the end though, I get the feeling this is going to be a life lesson for you one way or another.

There is no real rational reason why i would be thinking she was cheating on me or texting other guys etc.I dont think the feelings where right, i mean there was no proof behind what i was thinking and i thought the say way with my ex.I think alot of it has got to do with my past, people have even said, id be the same with other girls and i would have to agree.I dont think she is the problem, i am, and if i just calmed down and didnt act so necrotic i think we would be ok now

 

[mimesis]

I understand that the psychotherapy is to help with your thoughts but there are some things you can do before then. I think one of the main things you can do is something called thought stopping and challenging the beliefs that you have. In order to thought stop you have to realize that your thoughts are repetitive and are only distorting reality. Sometimes when people think too much they over analyze and what could be a simple solution becomes complex. Stopping those thoughts means stopping them before they get too complex leading you to accept a what the world has presented you versus an analyzed version. Challenging your beliefs is a little more difficult. You have to realize that something may not be realistic and look for evidence to either prove or disprove those beliefs. The belief that your girlfriend is cheating on you sounds like it's a self-esteem problem. If there is no evidence then it's only hurting you and your girlfriend to dwell on it. The same goes for accusing her of giving you std's, though I can see where you got that from if you believed, or if she was in fact cheating on you. I don't know the full situation so I'm just using the examples you've given. I think it's great that your looking for help but try not to depend too much on medication and your future psychotherapy treatment.

With all due respect, but I think it's a bit different in this situation. Compare it with someone who experienced a traumatic war-situation. Many years later, those fears can be triggered by just hearing firecrackers. Even though the war is over, and it's perfectly clear that there is no danger. You can't control that with reason, because it has to do with the amygdala, responsible for emotional learning, and not so much with the prefrontal cortex, responsible for rational processing. Basically you just snap. You don't neccesarily think about that old memory, because it's irrational and you are not aware of that. It may even be a 'forgotten' experience.
You can 'reprogram' it, but you need to go 'back in time' for that, an 'repair' it 'there'.

I can't say if this treatment is ok, but I think it explains wel how the amygdala works:
Reducing Your Stress Levels By Retraining The Amygdala At Home

I myself, was able to clear my traumas with intensive meditation. Some people had good result with hypnosis.

I also heard positive stories on EMDR therapy
EMDR Therapy, EMDR Therapists,EMDR information,PTSD