[Sage]

I've been dating my infp for a year and three months now and I completely adore her. I see us spending our entire lives together. We haven't spent more than 24 hours apart from each other since we started dating in 2011. She's so fascinating, her intelligence is mind blowing, she's a wonderful teacher and she's so beautiful! The thing is, for the past several months she's developed a pretty severe social anxiety and has been extremely depressed. It got so bad that at one point her parents and I took her to the hospital because we thought she was going to hurt herself. Several hours later and with the help of the staff psychiatrist she agreed to enroll in intense outpatient therapy. I was elated she was willing to get help because she had been so hellbent on fixing herself up to this point. Her group therapy went great and she was able to open up and exercise some demons that have been immobilizing her from way back in her childhood. Needless to say our conversations have been deep and emotionally draining as of late. But I guess what has me concerned with lately is that I realize that I've been so busy focussing on her, helping her, supporting her that I've forgotten to take care of myself through all of this. I've been so focused on being the caretaker and provider that I've allowed my own emotional needs to suffer. In conversation she asks me what I need in our relationship but I freeze and go completely blank. I've been tryin to just talk, verbally brainstorm if you will, but over the past few months she's been prone to flare ups when she only hears part of what I've said and assumes the rest without letting me get it out. I'm already trigger shy when it comes to talking because I want to be understood entirely when I say something. The first time. Unlike my girlfriend who can talk her way through or around anything, I'm a verbal cripple. We talked a bit about that in relation to the things she has been learning about in group and it seems that my perfectionist upbringing has most likely spilled into all of my actions and thought processes. It's true that I hold myself to an extremely high standard and I expect nothing but the best from myself (and others) but its given me a rather poor view of myself and my self confidence sucks! How do I let that fear of failure go?

 

[livingunique333]

Failure isn't something that you can prevent. We all fail everyday at something, even if it's only mundane things like making sure the butter is on the toast perfectly. What's important is, when we do fail, we gather insight from it.

My suggestion is to write down your feelings. Take your time. Do three or four drafts. Write her a letter, and write yourself one, too. It can be extremely difficult and uncomfortable to present that letter to her, even harder to read back through your own, but it will help you organize your thoughts.

 

[Nicole Hobbs]

I would suggest writing what you need to say down...and having her read it.
We INFJs tend to work better through the written word, rather than the spoken word.

 

[Razare]

How do I let that fear of failure go?

It's a dangerous thing to get rid of.

Fear of failure for many INFJ's is what motivates their actions in life. If you rid yourself of it, what will then motivate you to do much of anything? It's what presses us to succeed when a deadline nears and we have little time. It's what makes us try harder in situations where our current actions have little chance of success.

I agree ridding yourself of fears is a good thing, but improving yourself on the inside has outward consequences.

And as for being perfectionist, that's how INFJ's generally tick... I try to let things go and I still find myself being perfectionist... I want to do things "right" and that's just how I'm wired... and when something prevents me from doing something the right way I get frustrated. I realize all this while it's happening, but to give up on your standards for everything in life is a huge step... and I'm not sure it's a good one to take.

Ghandi's standards is what made him a great man, and I'm sure this is the case for many other INFJ's. Our standards keep us honest and do many other things for us... if I trained myself to let go of perfectionism, I doubt I'd want to involve myself in much of anything, other than where I have fun.

Once standards are gone, what standard is there to act upon to uphold? You just end up acting on whimsy.