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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Fellow INTPs, what do you think about situations where a couple has a long-term sexless romantic relationship and one/both of them look for sex outside (I'm not talking about open relationships)+ they not only get sex from others, but say that they feel more comfortable in their skin with their side lover; and still insist on keeping their "main strong connection". I don't get this. It was more understandable if was only about sex, but what about the opening up part? Then why the main relationship is called more solid?
What is important in a relationship? Sex? Acceptance? Psychological intimacy? Friendship? The side lover seems to provide them better.
Is that these people have some conservative ideas, looking at sex as a "dirty" thing which isn't necessary to be done with their main holy partner, but has to be taken from another (impure?) someone?
Are they stuck in some conventional patterns and play some roles that don't match their true selves, still want to keep up the appearance and can fully reveal themselves only to a secret lover?

Any idea?
 

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This may very well be some strange conservative idea. They're obviously not compatible personality-wise or attraction-wise, so it's gotta be another reason than that that they keep together.

Family? I can imagine this being an arranged marriage situation where both parts are cool about it but have also agreed that they should go each their own way to pursue lovers. Paramours have long been a thing throughout history whether it was accepted or not.

Work? I can imagine some people joining up for simple pragmatic reasons alone, making it a lot easier on the economy and whatever else. Publicity if famous.
 

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The problem with human beings is that nature wired us to be half-monogamous, half-novelty seeking, so we can't be 100% happy no matter what we do. Thanks nature.
 

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Fellow INTPs, what do you think about situations where a couple has a long-term sexless romantic relationship and one/both of them look for sex outside (I'm not talking about open relationships)+ they not only get sex from others, but say that they feel more comfortable in their skin with their side lover; and still insist on keeping their "main strong connection". I don't get this. It was more understandable if was only about sex, but what about the opening up part? Then why the main relationship is called more solid?
What is important in a relationship? Sex? Acceptance? Psychological intimacy? Friendship? The side lover seems to provide them better.
Is that these people have some conservative ideas, looking at sex as a "dirty" thing which isn't necessary to be done with their main holy partner, but has to be taken from another (impure?) someone?
Are they stuck in some conventional patterns and play some roles that don't match their true selves, still want to keep up the appearance and can fully reveal themselves only to a secret lover?
Any idea?
In simple terms, security (codependency), and mating novelty. Civilized humans have always tried to find a way to have their cake and eat it too, we're seeing that now with polyamory/open relationships.

People feel secure having their primary relationship as a safety net to fall back on, and leaving a stagnant relationship represents leaving a comfort zone or proven source of stability, something humans instinctively dread. Add to that the fact Western culture thinks codependency is, like, totes romantic. Romance/Marriage is a milestone you're supposed to aspire to. We're shamed into avoiding being alone no matter what to the point people find a person who enjoys being alone stranger/more unhealthy than the chain dater who can't handle being single for any length of time. Being psychologically whole and independent is paradoxically something that's discouraged rather than encouraged in our culture.

Plus, humans get bored easily and are naturally driven to seek novelty. New people are naturally more exciting, there'll always be someone shinier, more interesting, and who doesn't have this or that flaw your partner has. Plus grass is always greener on the other side. Sometimes the only reason a person "feels more comfortable in their own skin with the side affair" or find the sex superior, etc is the fact that the affair isn't the main relationship.

To get the point across: in my experience for some freaky reason, married men are on average laughably easier than single ones, almost to the point of desperation. This is often the case even in situations where the married man is far more eligible than most singles out there. They use the fact they're married as a way to appeal through the "forbidden fruit" angle. They are often needier, more aggressive and persistent, (pent up + they have the need to validate themselves by attracting you) and they can be rather difficult to lose if you don't aggressively shut them down. It's kind of depressing how easily they can dissociate from their marriage/kids and act like they're single.

Find some people who do this and ask them why. I don't see the point of us speculating about hypothetical people's reasons. INTPs are pretty much the worst choice when it comes to general questions about human motivation anyhow.
Seems like a waste to have intuition (Ne/Ni) and not speculate at least a little. Wouldn't have much to talk about.
 
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Good question, and I have no idea!

I was married to a man from a culture where this kind of thing was common (I didn't know that when I married him). Then I found out that he cheated on me, and that most other men in that culture cheated, and I could never figure out why people from that culture even bothered to get married. Then I moved to a completely different country, where both husbands and wives cheated.

Now I think such behavior is a holdover from a previous (or recent) era where people didn't really have a choice in whether to marry or who they could marry. So certain customs have been handed down through the generations, such as marrying one person out of convenience/necessity and having a lover on the side. And these customs survive even when people begin to have more choices.

In modern Western cultures, there doesn't seem to be much of an excuse. But again, it wasn't so many decades ago that people were expected to present an outward picture of the perfect, heterosexual, nuclear family. People who weren't happy in their marriages wouldn't get divorced; they'd sneak around and get sex or affection on the side. I guess to some extent, the pattern still survives in somewhat modified form.
 

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Fellow INTPs, what do you think about situations where a couple has a long-term sexless romantic relationship and one/both of them look for sex outside (I'm not talking about open relationships)+ they not only get sex from others, but say that they feel more comfortable in their skin with their side lover; and still insist on keeping their "main strong connection". I don't get this. It was more understandable if was only about sex, but what about the opening up part? Then why the main relationship is called more solid?
What is important in a relationship? Sex? Acceptance? Psychological intimacy? Friendship?
Financial security? Status? The children?

There can be any number of things that would prompt them to stay together. I mean, you're constructing some sort contradiction, here. You say it's not an open relationship, but if both/the other know about the side affair and still wants to stay together, then it is an open relationship. Factually. If it wasn't, they would just file for divorce.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
You say it's not an open relationship, but if both/the other know about the side affair and still wants to stay together, then it is an open relationship.
I'm not talking about open relationships: where did I say they know about the side lover of their partner?
 

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To me it sounds pretty messed up. Knowing the reason would require knowing the background of the individuals. As far as opening up? If done right there is an intimacy that comes with sex, a closeness. They still may care very much for the main relationship, but a drifting apart seems to have happened. Often a couple can let their lives become just the daily tasks, and they crave what once was there, and that's where the going elsewhere comes in. It's a lesson to not let your s.o. just be your dumping ground for all the crap in your life just because they are safe and leave the courting behind, then that becomes the association between you.
 

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...To get the point across: in my experience for some freaky reason, married men are on average laughably easier than single ones, almost to the point of desperation. This is often the case even in situations where the married man is far more eligible than most singles out there. They use the fact they're married as a way to appeal through the "forbidden fruit" angle. They are often needier, more aggressive and persistent, (pent up + they have the need to validate themselves by attracting you) and they can be rather difficult to lose if you don't aggressively shut them down. It's kind of depressing how easily they can dissociate from their marriage/kids and act like they're...
Ladies!! Lock up yer menfolk, homewreckin' Nell is back in town! :shocked::tongue:
 

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Ladies!! Lock up yer menfolk, homewreckin' Nell is back in town! :shocked::tongue:
Indeed, lock them up or else you might end up becoming a villain in their sob stories as they look for solace from a loveless marriage, endure for the kids or some other such bullshit instead of having the balls to get a divorce.

Some wives are actually OK with them prowling dating sites though =_= or so they say. Either way, they're actually fucking annoying so I like your idea, lock them up, please!
 
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