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I don't wanna bore all of you so I'm gonna just gonna tell you what happened. We met online and we've been doing long distance for a year and seven months. We were going to meet multiple times, but everything was always cancelled because of covid. (Norway - USA). We were finally gonna see each other next month, but she broke up with me a month ago.

We had a few fights and I snapped on her because she wasn't responding, she started ignoring me and instead of giving her space, I kept trying to call her and basically begging for her to respond. After a few days she unfollowed me on a few apps, but we're still friends on them. She's 26 (F) and I'm 21 (M). I'm an ISTP and I tend to get heated when I get ignored. I tried to call because I wanted to make up asap. She needed space and I didn't give her any. After a few days she said she was done (over text) and that's it. I tried to talk to her and apologizing a couple times, but she just left me on read.

I know some of you will say that yeah I'm going to be fine and I know that, but I don't wanna throw away everything we've planned and all those things. We were like the same person, but with different personalities. What's the best thing that I can do now? I know trying to move on is one, but do I try to message her again at some point or...? I truly care for her and acting stupid in the heat of the moment seems to be one of my biggest weaknesses because I just say a lot of bs...
 

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If you give some more details on what exactly made her so upset, what you said and so on, we’d be in a better position to see how we can help you. I will start off by saying that her behavior is not out of the ordinary for our type as we tend to be very sensitive even when others think it’s not a big deal. We really need to know that the other person, especially someone so importantly a significant other, will be there to protect us, understand us, validate us and look out for us to the greatest degree possible. We’re often ones to shy away from conflict unless backed into a corner, but usually it’s a result of numerous occasions where we feel that someone hurt us that eventually leads us to compile all the evidence that that person is not acting in our best interests, and it may only take a couple more harsh words or a single argument for us to go into flight and retreat mode.

How did you two get along when you were together? What was the relationship dynamic like? What did you enjoy and not enjoy about each other?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
If you give some more details on what exactly made her so upset, what you said and so on, we’d be in a better position to see how we can help you. I will start off by saying that her behavior is not out of the ordinary for our type as we tend to be very sensitive even when others think it’s not a big deal. We really need to know that the other person, especially someone so importantly a significant other, will be there to protect us, understand us, validate us and look out for us to the greatest degree possible. We’re often ones to shy away from conflict unless backed into a corner, but usually it’s a result of numerous occasions where we feel that someone hurt us that eventually leads us to compile all the evidence that that person is not acting in our best interests, and it may only take a couple more harsh words or a single argument for us to go into flight and retreat mode.

How did you two get along when you were together? What was the relationship dynamic like? What did you enjoy and not enjoy about each other?
I was having a really tough day at work and got angry with her when she wasn't responding to my messages and that upset her. She went to bed and I just said that I wish she checked her phone more often. The next day she was acting really cold so I tried to call so we could make up. She didn't respond and said she didn't want to talk. I called a few more times, but she left for work.

I tried again when she was on her break and once again, no answer. I was angry and asked her if she wants this or not. When she got home she said "give me space", but I was still left there with no proper answer so I kept trying to call and messaging her. That's when the ignoring started and that's when she unfollowed me on twitter. The next day or so was just me being pathetic, really. I'm an ISTP and I want to fix things so I kept begging for her to talk to me and apologizing for fighting with her. After a few days she said she was done without never calling me. A week later I sent her a message and she said she didn't know what to tell me. I asked her if she wanted to catch up 4 days ago, but no answer. She also changed her FB status to single a week after the fight.

I thought our relationship was great. We got along very well. We liked and disliked pretty much the same things. We had the same plans for the future and more. We wanted to move in together a few months after meeting irl. We called every day, watched movies and played video games together very often. So apart from occasional disagreements, we were good which is why it came a little out of the blue. I know I didn't give her space and kept calling like an idiot when she just wanted some space, but I never expected her to break up with me over it. I just wanted to talk things out. We had so many plans together. She was so happy with me the day before the fight. I don't know what else I can do for her to know I just wanted the best for us.
 

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If you want to get her back, go NC with her until she contacts you and pleads you to get back together with her. This is the only way to get her back, by making her miss you.
She seems to have a fearful-avoidant attachment style and the only way to win her back is to disappear from her life completely. Once the idea of a relationship becomes impossible, she will start to fall in love with you all over again.
But anyway, I think it's a bad idea to get her back. She doesn't seem like a good match for you, and even if you managed to get her back, the relationship will be a dysfunctional one. She will always want her space, and you will always want to talk to her and spend time with her. Neither of you are able to meet each others' needs.
You should take a look at this video here, this seems a lot like your relationship with your ex:

 

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I don't wanna bore all of you so I'm gonna just gonna tell you what happened. We met online and we've been doing long distance for a year and seven months. We were going to meet multiple times, but everything was always cancelled because of covid. (Norway - USA). We were finally gonna see each other next month, but she broke up with me a month ago.

We had a few fights and I snapped on her because she wasn't responding, she started ignoring me and instead of giving her space, I kept trying to call her and basically begging for her to respond. After a few days she unfollowed me on a few apps, but we're still friends on them. She's 26 (F) and I'm 21 (M). I'm an ISTP and I tend to get heated when I get ignored. I tried to call because I wanted to make up asap. She needed space and I didn't give her any. After a few days she said she was done (over text) and that's it. I tried to talk to her and apologizing a couple times, but she just left me on read.

I know some of you will say that yeah I'm going to be fine and I know that, but I don't wanna throw away everything we've planned and all those things. We were like the same person, but with different personalities. What's the best thing that I can do now? I know trying to move on is one, but do I try to message her again at some point or...? I truly care for her and acting stupid in the heat of the moment seems to be one of my biggest weaknesses because I just say a lot of bs...
She probably got scared. I would apologize from the bottom of my heart and then give her all the time in the world, and see if that helps... by all means, don't push her, or it could make it worse...maybe you just need time to get to know eachotber better, when she doesn't know you yet, you might be the pope or the king for all she knows, do to speak. How does she know you're not gone be a psycho yet? She can't. Therefore you have to prove it 🙂👍

Ps. Is that HIM in your picture? 😃
883699
 
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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
If you want to get her back, go NC with her until she contacts you and pleads you to get back together with her. This is the only way to get her back, by making her miss you.
She seems to have a fearful-avoidant attachment style and the only way to win her back is to disappear from her life completely. Once the idea of a relationship becomes impossible, she will start to fall in love with you all over again.
But anyway, I think it's a bad idea to get her back. She doesn't seem like a good match for you, and even if you managed to get her back, the relationship will be a dysfunctional one. She will always want her space, and you will always want to talk to her and spend time with her. Neither of you are able to meet each others' needs.
You should take a look at this video here, this seems a lot like your relationship with your ex:

I think we worked fine up until we had that series of disagreements which eventually led to that fight. I also like my space and we always seemed to know when to talk and when to give each other space. In this particular case I didn't because I didn't want to go to sleep angry with her and I got desperate.

I watched the video and I get what you're saying, but it's not 100%. She seems to be a mix of both. Same with me. I'll stick to no contact, I guess. It seems to be the only way for now. I don't wanna keep my hopes up as it'll only mess with me even more, but I'll do what I can. Messaging her even to say sorry (again) is probably not a good idea?
 

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She was so happy with me the day before the fight.
It wasn't the fight that ended your relationship. She was probably harbouring doubts before that. LDRs are difficult. This last fight was just the final straw. She shouldn't have ignored you like this, but it also shows that she could have been ignoring other things that lead to this situation.

What to do about it...wait if she does contact you. It might only be to have a final conversation for closure or she might be willing to keep going. If she doesn't contact you in a couple of weeks, you could try one last message in hopes that she's at least willing to talk about things so both of you could get closure. Then it's out of your hands.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 · (Edited)
She probably got scared. I would apologize from the bottom of my heart and then give her all the time in the world, and see if that helps... by all means, don't push her, or it could make it worse...maybe you just need time to get to know eachotber better, when she doesn't know you yet, you might be the pope or the king for all she knows, do to speak. How does she know you're not gone be a psycho yet? She can't. Therefore you have to prove it 🙂👍

Ps. Is that HIM in your picture? 😃
View attachment 883699
We video-called a looot so I doubt that's the case haha. We shared everything with each other and I mean EVERYTHING. I already apologized a few times, do I do it again or just give her time?

And yes! I love them! I grew up with HIM, Alice In Chains and Metallica. Still my top 3 favorite bands!😄
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
It wasn't the fight that ended your relationship. She was probably harbouring doubts before that. LDRs are difficult. This last fight was just the final straw. She shouldn't have ignored you like this, but it also shows that she could have been ignoring other things that lead to this situation.

What to do about it...wait if she does contact you. It might only be to have a final conversation for closure or she might be willing to keep going. If she doesn't contact you in a couple of weeks, you could try one last message in hopes that she's at least willing to talk about things so both of you could get closure. Then it's out of your hands.
This is not what I wanted to hear, but I'm afraid that you're probably right. It just sucks that she left 2 months before we could finally see each other. We did it for a year and 7 months so 2 months doesn't sound like a lot more. It's just depressing...
 

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Well there is nothing wrong with your music taste, that's for sure!! 🤟😎

Hehe, but yeah...Just give it time and it will probably work out, she probanly miss you all ready but wants to prove a point...just give it a little time more. Maybe if you don't hear anything in a few weeks try apologizing again?
 
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Well there is nothing wrong with your music taste, that's for sure!! 🤟😎

Hehe, but yeah...Just give it time and it will probably work out, she probanly miss you all ready but wants to prove a point...just give it a little time more. Maybe if you don't hear anything in a few weeks try apologizing again?
I'll do that, but for now I guess I'll have to try and focus on myself a little bit more. She's probably the most stubborn person I've ever met so you might be onto something with her trying to prove a point. Thanks!

My music taste and my guitar are the only two things that can keep me sane in this world😅
 

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Aaaaw.... 🤗 Ps. Eeo might be right. But don't give up yet! And if everything falls apart you have us in here at least! I know it feels hard right now, very hard, but nomatter what happens, it will get better! I swear! Just hang on there. I also play the gitar when Im upset 🙂 Never forget to...

Rock on!! 🤟
 
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Aaaaw.... 🤗 Ps. Eeo might be right. But don't give up yet! And if everything falls apart you have us in here at least! I know it feels hard right now, very hard, but nomatter what happens, it will get better! I swear! Just hang on there. I also play the gitar when Im upset 🙂 Never forget to...

Rock on!! 🤟
He could be, but a part of me still wishes he isn't. I will do my best. I've been with other girls before, but she was different and one year and 7 months is quite a long time. It messed me up and I couldn't handle my thoughts and emotions. It's still tough, but I guess waiting and learning from this is the only thing I can do now...

Rock on!^-^
 

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He could be, but a part of me still wishes he isn't. I will do my best. I've been with other girls before, but she was different and one year and 7 months is quite a long time. It messed me up and I couldn't handle my thoughts and emotions. It's still tough, but I guess waiting and learning from this is the only thing I can do now...

Rock on!^-^
Ty 🙂 But keep us updated on how it goes!!
 
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Ty 🙂 But keep us updated on how it goes!!
For sure! I'll let you know if anything happens in a couple weeks... now back to suffering and trying to keep myself occupied with other things so I don't think too much😶
 

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For sure! I'll let you know if anything happens in a couple weeks... now back to suffering and trying to keep myself occupied with other things so I don't think too much😶
That is a very good thing to do 💝
 
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Sounds like this has been resolved, but I just thought I would add my two cents since ISTPs are my absolute fave.

From what you have described, this reminds me of my first ISTP relationship. Was your relationship somewhat tumultuous up until this point? Cause... mine. definitely. was. Haha. Like... we were good... but, we also were "fighting" constantly. The word you used - "stubborn" - definitely comes to mind...

Basically, I think both of us came to the conclusion after a ton of back-and-forth that we were a toxic combo.

Couple of things... the comment about her needing to check her phone more often... on the one hand, I would love that you are comfortable enough to just out and out say something like that... but, I can also see how I would be completely turned off by this phrase. Like, it's a weird balance of - at least for me - wanting to feel wanted, but also wanting it not to be too easy... and something about that comment makes you sound desperate (which in re-reading your posts you already said, basically - lol) and your jab/expectation AFTER I ALREADY SAID GO AWAY would push me away even further.

In my relationship, we had a mostly long distant relationship - interestingly, actually not physically distant... but, we mostly communicated through email, phone, etc. versus actually hanging out in person. So, I think as an INFP, this can easily lead to illusions of who we want the ISTP to be or who we imagine them to be and so forth. It's nice until it's not.

Umm, anyway, I'm rambling. But, basically, I broke off our non-defined friendship-romantic relationship to go on a months long trip out of the country, and he did NOT take it well. I cut him off after a fight and that was that... until, I came home and I was like... oh, where is my ISTP friend. Lame of me, right? At that point, he had moved on and cut ME off. I would call and he would be busy and be annoyed. It hurt, but I guess I deserved it.

And, this cycle went on for years. We would be on and off again - not actually dating ever, but being as close to dating as you can be without dating. I would cut him off - he would cut me off - on and off... such a mess.

We both would reach out to each other months and months later after we had a huge fight. It's like we both needed the space to calm our emotions and remember what we liked about each other.

So anyway, I mean, I agree that you should just move on and live your life. No contact for now, probably. But, who knows, maybe once you have got yourself together and feel good about things, you can reach out again. I just wouldn't reach out in your current state of mind.
 
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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Sounds like this has been resolved, but I just thought I would add my two cents since ISTPs are my absolute fave.

From what you have described, this reminds me of my first ISTP relationship. Was your relationship somewhat tumultuous up until this point? Cause... mine. definitely. was. Haha. Like... we were good... but, we also were "fighting" constantly. The word you used - "stubborn" - definitely comes to mind...

Basically, I think both of us came to the conclusion after a ton of back-and-forth that we were a toxic combo.

Couple of things... the comment about her needing to check her phone more often... on the one hand, I would love that you are comfortable enough to just out and out say something like that... but, I can also see how I would be completely turned off by this phrase. Like, it's a weird balance of - at least for me - wanting to feel wanted, but also wanting it not to be too easy... and something about that comment makes you sound desperate (which in re-reading your posts you already said, basically - lol) and your jab/expectation AFTER I ALREADY SAID GO AWAY would push me away even further.

In my relationship, we had a mostly long distant relationship - interestingly, actually not physically distant... but, we mostly communicated through email, phone, etc. versus actually hanging out in person. So, I think as an INFP, this can easily lead to illusions of who we want the ISTP to be or who we imagine them to be and so forth. It's nice until it's not.

Umm, anyway, I'm rambling. But, basically, I broke off our non-defined friendship-romantic relationship to go on a months long trip out of the country, and he did NOT take it well. I cut him off after a fight and that was that... until, I came home and I was like... oh, where is my ISTP friend. Lame of me, right? At that point, he had moved on and cut ME off. I would call and he would be busy and be annoyed. It hurt, but I guess I deserved it.

And, this cycle went on for years. We would be on and off again - not actually dating ever, but being as close to dating as you can be without dating. I would cut him off - he would cut me off - on and off... such a mess.

We both would reach out to each other months and months later after we had a huge fight. It's like we both needed the space to calm our emotions and remember what we liked about each other.

So anyway, I mean, I agree that you should just move on and live your life. No contact for now, probably. But, who knows, maybe once you have got yourself together and feel good about things, you can reach out again. I just wouldn't reach out in your current state of mind.
We were very, VERY comfortable with each other. We told each other to check our phones more often and things like that whenever we felt it was "needed". It was mutual. I thought we were doing great. Apart from those minor disagreements here and there, but I just saw them as a part of life, you know? Nothing is perfect. We work on things and make them better. I still think we could work it out, but when I remember how she was after the fight... I just don't know... I think we could definitely make it work in real life, but I'm honestly lost. I don't know what she thinks. I don't know whether she still wants to see me or not because she pretty much told me to move on and ignored me. It's a big mess.
 

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I’ve deal with so many guys like this, so kinda sorry if this comes across crossed but just believe her and leave her alone, nothing makes me more angry than when someone second guesses me and ignores what I say and just keeps bothering anyways bc it’s all about them and their wants and needs, it just proves that they really don’t care how I/the person really feels, ….if she wants to talk to you she will contact you, let her be her own person and make her decision…she is not helpless I’m assuming. Infp likes their independence….I mean we know ourselves and playing games is not being true to yourself. So, usually when we make a decision like that it no going back and forth that’s just dumb and wasteful time…you put your best in first, assuming she really is an infp … God, wish ppl like you just stop pushing and controlling…it’s gotten to the point you just cant be nice and I’m not going to encourage you to something she has stated very clearly to you that she doesn’t want. That is a manipulative strategy controller try and use on the person….get others on your side and then convince yourself this is ok, no matter what she says, everyone else says it ok. When I read stuff like this it really sickens me.

the only nice thing I can say, if it is meant to be I hope she contacts you…but leave her alone you already made SERVAL attempts.

edited: I wanted to come back, I feel a little bad. I feel I was harsh but I meant every word of it. But just know I’m a little jaded in this area bc of this stuff. And there was something last night that reminded me of a situation like this that was just a nightmare. So, just know it’s only one person opinion out of billions....
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
I’ve deal with so many guys like this, so kinda sorry if this comes across crossed but just believe her and leave her alone, nothing makes me more angry than when someone second guesses me and ignores what I say and just keeps bothering anyways bc it’s all about them and their wants and needs, it just proves that they really don’t care how I/the person really feels, ….if she wants to talk to you she will contact you, let her be her own person and make her decision…she is not helpless I’m assuming. Infp likes their independence….I mean we know ourselves and playing games is not being true to yourself. So, usually when we make a decision like that it no going back and forth that’s just dumb and wasteful time…you put your best in first, assuming she really is an infp … God, wish ppl like you just stop pushing and controlling…it’s gotten to the point you just cant be nice and I’m not going to encourage you to something she has stated very clearly to you that she doesn’t want. That is a manipulative strategy controller try and use on the person….get others on your side and then convince yourself this is ok, no matter what she says, everyone else says it ok. When I read stuff like this it really sickens me.

the only nice thing I can say, if it is meant to be I hope she contacts you…but leave her alone you already made SERVAL attempts.

edited: I wanted to come back, I feel a little bad. I feel I was harsh but I meant every word of it. But just know I’m a little jaded in this area bc of this stuff. And there was something last night that reminded me of a situation like this that was just a nightmare. So, just know it’s only one person opinion out of billions....
I get that, but the only reason why I asked this question in the first place is because I really loved that girl. I don't want to push her to do anything she doesn't want. I know I wasn't the greatest boyfriend on earth at times and I think I had my lesson. She sent me a message "Hope you're doing well." tonight. I responded with the same and said that I hope we can catch up soon because I've always cared for her. Hopefully not too much, and like I said before, I don't wanna keep my hopes up, but I want to try for her.
 
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