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To be honest with you, it seems that she is generally an emotionally unbalanced person or maybe she has some other issues going on that may or may not be unrelated to you. If you feel like it you could apologize to her and tell her that although the way you came across to her was probably not what she was expecting, but that you love her and really meant well for her. I would not rule out the possibility that she has already seen many issues with you but our type tends to keep many things to ourselves, but then again I cannot say that’s the case for sure. What I will say is while I very much need my own space and sometimes I’m just not in the mood to talk or need time to reflect before I get back to someone, I wouldn’t dissolve a relationship with someone I loved over something like this even if they acted the way you did towards my seeming indifference and lack of immediate communication if they were indeed someone I wanted to have in my life.

You could try what I suggested, but if it still doesn’t work, then I’m sorry to say but perhaps it’s a sign that this relationship has run its course. Long distance relationships are often tough and undesirable, but this may well become a pattern once the two of you move in together someday if you continue things with her. I’m an INFP as well and although I need my own space, I don’t act this way unless I already get lots of bad vibes from being repeatedly hurt or just suspicious in general which doesn’t seem to be the case with her. Sometimes, whatever you may believe, whatever force is out there might see things you don’t.

May I ask, how old are you and how old is she? Has she ever told you about anyone or anything that’s been a constant source of trouble and hurt for her in the past or the present?
 

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Discussion Starter · #22 ·
To be honest with you, it seems that she is generally an emotionally unbalanced person or maybe she has some other issues going on that may or may not be unrelated to you. If you feel like it you could apologize to her and tell her that although the way you came across to her was probably not what she was expecting, but that you love her and really meant well for her. I would not rule out the possibility that she has already seen many issues with you but our type tends to keep many things to ourselves, but then again I cannot say that’s the case for sure. What I will say is while I very much need my own space and sometimes I’m just not in the mood to talk or need time to reflect before I get back to someone, I wouldn’t dissolve a relationship with someone I loved over something like this even if they acted the way you did towards my seeming indifference and lack of immediate communication if they were indeed someone I wanted to have in my life.

You could try what I suggested, but if it still doesn’t work, then I’m sorry to say but perhaps it’s a sign that this relationship has run its course. Long distance relationships are often tough and undesirable, but this may well become a pattern once the two of you move in together someday if you continue things with her. I’m an INFP as well and although I need my own space, I don’t act this way unless I already get lots of bad vibes from being repeatedly hurt or just suspicious in general which doesn’t seem to be the case with her.

May I ask, how old are you and how old is she? Has she ever told you about anyone or anything that’s been a constant source of trouble and hurt for her in the past or the present?
She's 26 and I'm 21. She struggles with anxiety and gets down a lot, but I've always been there for her. I think she left when I kept pushing because she felt like I wasn't listening and just doing what I want. She always wanted to be heard. I acted out of frustration and desperation when she was ignoring me and I think that's what made her run. She was cheated on before, but she gave them a second chance and then got cheated on again, but I think she knows I would never do that. I'm pretty sure she just didn't feel like I was listening to her.
 

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That clears things up a lot. It’s a combination of her past fears and recurring anxiety that’s getting to her. Again I am just guessing but perhaps the guy that cheated on her twice was pretty brash and insensitive and maybe thought she was too sensitive or something like that, but then I am just speculating. We have Si (Introverted Sensing) as our third function so if something bad happened to us in the past we can be hyper aware of anything that resembles such patterns in the present, and sometimes we can imagine or overthink and come up with conclusions that may or may not be there. Something that might seem insignificant to someone else might trigger a whole replay of past feelings and events in our minds.

I feel as though the best thing you can do right now is to first apologize to her in as sensitive and sincere a way as possible, to reassure her that her fears are valid and that she can trust you and that you will try your best to be there for her no matter what. We are a very emotional and sensitive type that needs to be held by the hand when we’re feeling insecure, which happens quite frequently. If she really is someone you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with, this is probably what you should do.

One of the biggest differences between ISTPs and INFPs is that when you guys have a problem, your first instinct is to assess it and never stop pushing for a solution until there is one. Your first instinct is that of a problem solver and mechanic. INFPs can be different in that we need more time and to feel very comfortable before we are willing to talk, and a lot of times we just want to be heard and accepted and gradually come to a solution at our own pace. I know for one that I don’t always like being told what to do upfront, or when I feel like I am not being given the chance to open up at my own pace.

Perhaps this is what she feels about you although I can’t say that’s the case for certain. By “keep doing what I want”, could you elaborate on that a bit? How often do you guys communicate?

If she is 26, I also wouldn’t rule out the possibility that she might already in her subconscious be assessing you from the perspective of a marriage partner, so somewhere down the line her expectations of you emotionally became higher than before. We can expect a lot out of our SOs, and I’m sure being in a long-distance relationship especially when both of you have such a strong mutual connection in every way must be extremely taxing on her and I’m sure on you as well.

I am a guy that’s a year younger than her, if I met someone like her, but had the same fears and was also in a long-distance relationship, I can’t say I wouldn’t see any of myself in her. I’m also approaching the age where in our culture (China) it’s around the age where marriage is in the cards.

I’m not entirely confident even when I say this myself, as I know I can have a pretty big ego at times, but sometimes with your SO it isn’t always about who’s right, but rather compromising a little for the sake of the relationship. Hard for me to do even as I say this, sometimes you just have to swallow your pride to reassure the other person. Having Fi as our dominant function we tend to have very strong likes and dislikes and we don’t budge easily, so it’s hard for us as well.

In our culture there is a saying that sometimes your SO is like a big son or daughter, and sometimes you just have to “give in” and spoil them a little. Women can be naturally emotional creatures, hell even I am as a guy. And at the end of the day while I am sure rational considerations that can be concrete, tangible and measurable come into play, it is the emotions and sometimes just the simple thought of your SO’s presence in your life that carries you through years and decades of your lives shared together.



Your dominant function is Ti, ours is Fi. From your perspective as someone on the Ti-Fe axis, you are probably thinking from the perspective of whether something is making sense out of your own personal logic backed by what convention tells you is the case / how people normally deal with the problem at hand. While you always try to be there for her, she might feel that your attempts to reassure her and make her feel better don’t really get to the essence of why she personally feels that way, that you are being too general and too broad. That might seem a little dismissive to her. We are on the Fi-Te axis, so it’s especially common for us to have strong personal feelings and apply that understanding of ourselves to the outside world. We gather evidence to support our ingrained personal feelings, for better or worse.


I feel the best you can do is to approach her gently, with lots of patience and sincerity. Maybe do more small things, even with words, to show her that you care about her daily life. Instead of always trying to come up with immediate solutions, make suggestions and hints from time to time and let her decide the rhythm. The small things count a lot for us as well. As much as we love to discuss big topics that are philosophical, we also care about the little details that let us know someone indeed loves us as they say.

I can have a very good time in a purely theoretical or somewhat technical discussion if it’s a topic of interest, but I am not someone who’s into hard “intellectualism” because at the end of the day I prefer solving human and societal issues over discussions of pure philosophy and art. If I could choose to become a world famous expert or artist or guide and support someone else along their journey to become a renowned expert or artist, I can’t say the first one won’t bring me any sense of joy, but perhaps the second one would ultimately bring me more joy because the latter would be solving a “human problem” / “existential problem” for someone else.
 

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Discussion Starter · #24 ·
That clears things up a lot. It’s a combination of her past fears and recurring anxiety that’s getting to her. Again I am just guessing but perhaps the guy that cheated on her twice was pretty brash and insensitive and maybe thought she was too sensitive or something like that, but then I am just speculating. We have Si (Introverted Sensing) as our third function so if something bad happened to us in the past we can be hyper aware of anything that resembles such patterns in the present, and sometimes we can imagine or overthink and come up with conclusions that may or may not be there. Something that might seem insignificant to someone else might trigger a whole replay of past feelings and events in our minds.

I feel as though the best thing you can do right now is to first apologize to her in as sensitive and sincere a way as possible, to reassure her that her fears are valid and that she can trust you and that you will try your best to be there for her no matter what. We are a very emotional and sensitive type that needs to be held by the hand when we’re feeling insecure, which happens quite frequently. If she really is someone you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with, this is probably what you should do.

One of the biggest differences between ISTPs and INFPs is that when you guys have a problem, your first instinct is to assess it and never stop pushing for a solution until there is one. Your first instinct is that of a problem solver and mechanic. INFPs can be different in that we need more time and to feel very comfortable before we are willing to talk, and a lot of times we just want to be heard and accepted and gradually come to a solution at our own pace. I know for one that I don’t always like being told what to do upfront, or when I feel like I am not being given the chance to open up at my own pace.

Perhaps this is what she feels about you although I can’t say that’s the case for certain. By “keep doing what I want”, could you elaborate on that a bit? How often do you guys communicate?

If she is 26, I also wouldn’t rule out the possibility that she might already in her subconscious be assessing you from the perspective of a marriage partner, so somewhere down the line her expectations of you emotionally became higher than before. We can expect a lot out of our SOs, and I’m sure being in a long-distance relationship especially when both of you have such a strong mutual connection in every way must be extremely taxing on her and I’m sure on you as well.

I am a guy that’s a year younger than her, if I met someone like her, but had the same fears and was also in a long-distance relationship, I can’t say I wouldn’t see any of myself in her. I’m also approaching the age where in our culture (China) it’s around the age where marriage is in the cards.

I’m not entirely confident even when I say this myself, as I know I can have a pretty big ego at times, but sometimes with your SO it isn’t always about who’s right, but rather compromising a little for the sake of the relationship. Hard for me to do even as I say this, sometimes you just have to swallow your pride to reassure the other person. Having Fi as our dominant function we tend to have very strong likes and dislikes and we don’t budge easily, so it’s hard for us as well.

In our culture there is a saying that sometimes your SO is like a big son or daughter, and sometimes you just have to “give in” and spoil them a little. Women can be naturally emotional creatures, hell even I am as a guy. And at the end of the day while I am sure rational considerations that can be concrete, tangible and measurable come into play, it is the emotions and sometimes just the simple thought of your SO’s presence in your life that carries you through years and decades of your lives shared together.



Your dominant function is Ti, ours is Fi. From your perspective as someone on the Ti-Fe axis, you are probably thinking from the perspective of whether something is making sense out of your own personal logic backed by what convention tells you is the case / how people normally deal with the problem at hand. While you always try to be there for her, she might feel that your attempts to reassure her and make her feel better don’t really get to the essence of why she personally feels that way, that you are being too general and too broad. That might seem a little dismissive to her. We are on the Fi-Te axis, so it’s especially common for us to have strong personal feelings and apply that understanding of ourselves to the outside world. We gather evidence to support our ingrained personal feelings, for better or worse.


I feel the best you can do is to approach her gently, with lots of patience and sincerity. Maybe do more small things, even with words, to show her that you care about her daily life. Instead of always trying to come up with immediate solutions, make suggestions and hints from time to time and let her decide the rhythm. The small things count a lot for us as well. As much as we love to discuss big topics that are philosophical, we also care about the little details that let us know someone indeed loves us as they say.

I can have a very good time in a purely theoretical or somewhat technical discussion if it’s a topic of interest, but I am not someone who’s into hard “intellectualism” because at the end of the day I prefer solving human and societal issues over discussions of pure philosophy and art. If I could choose to become a world famous expert or artist or guide and support someone else along their journey to become a renowned expert or artist, I can’t say the first one won’t bring me any sense of joy, but perhaps the second one would ultimately bring me more joy because the latter would be solving a “human problem” / “existential problem” for someone else.
Could very well be. Marriage is something we talked about, but in a few years. The differences you pointed out are 100% accurate and they're definitely something I should have been a little more careful about.

I'll definitely do my best for her from now on because I still have feelings for her, but can you help me find the words to say? I'm not sure how to apologize so it sounds good to her. I don't wanna sound "too ISTP". I want us to meet and do this, but like others said before. There is only so much I can do now.

Edit: We communicated well, but sometimes I was too ISTP and she was too INFP. That's mostly what I meant by "doing what I want". I would listen to her, but not really do a whole lot about her feelings which I feel sorry about. I should've been more thoughtful.
 

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A lot of times for us it’s the thought, the understanding and acknowledgement, validation of our feelings that counts more than any immediate solution. I don’t know if I have the best words to say to her at the moment so I will leave it to some other members here to give suggestions, but perhaps you could start by telling her what exactly happened (your bad day at work, with some details as to why it was bad), how you did not acknowledge the way you made her feel, how you really feel about her, how you understand what makes her upset, and how you will always try to be there for her, to listen and be more sensitive from here onwards. Finally, express the hope that you want to have a loving life with her, and express the desire that you want her to give you a chance again.

1. Let her know what went wrong with your day (with details)
2. Let her know that you have reflected on your behavior and feel apologetic about it
3. Let her know that you are aware of how you made her feel (not just “I know how it made you feel”, but be as specific as possible)
4. Assure her it did not come from a place of bad intent, but give her an understanding of your own way of thinking
5. Tell her how much you love her, and how much you value the connection you have with her (make her feel special and wanted, this is very important for us even if we don’t ask for it explicitly)
6. Let her know and reassure her you will try your best to be more understanding and sensitive towards whatever she is going through
7. Let her know how much you want to spend the rest of your life with her, and that you wish you were by her side right now to give her all the love and assurance that she needs
8. Ask her to give you another chance


Good luck and wish you two the best.
 

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Discussion Starter · #26 ·
A lot of times for us it’s the thought, the understanding and acknowledgement, validation of our feelings that counts more than any immediate solution. I don’t know if I have the best words to say to her at the moment so I will leave it to some other members here to give suggestions, but perhaps you could start by telling her what exactly happened (your bad day at work, with some details as to why it was bad), how you did not acknowledge the way you made her feel, how you really feel about her, how you understand what makes her upset, and how you will always try to be there for her, to listen and be more sensitive from here onwards. Finally, express the hope that you want to have a loving life with her, and express the desire that you want her to give you a chance again.

1. Let her know what went wrong with your day (with details)
2. Let her know that you have reflected on your behavior and feel apologetic about it
3. Let her know that you are aware of how you made her feel (not just “I know how it made you feel”, but be as specific as possible)
4. Assure her it did not come from a place of bad intent, but give her an understanding of your own way of thinking
5. Tell her how much you love her, and how much you value the connection you have with her (make her feel special and wanted, this is very important for us even if we don’t ask for it explicitly)
6. Let her know and reassure her you will try your best to be more understanding and sensitive towards whatever she is going through
7. Let her know how much you want to spend the rest of your life with her, and that you wish you were by her side right now to give her all the love and assurance that she needs
8. Ask her to give you another chance


Good luck and wish you two the best.
She messaged me this morning "hope you're doing well.". I responded with the same and said that we can catch up soon because I've always cared for her. She said "I know". I said a lot of what you suggested and I hope it's enough. Some other things people suggested here, I want to tell her on call if she finally calls. I hope my message helps her realize a few things, but it's tough to explain everything over text.

As I was writing that message to her, a lot of my feelings came back and it hurts so much again so hopefully it shows her how much she always meant to me. If you have any other suggestions, they will be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
 

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I don’t have any more except to give her time, and let her process her feelings. The fact she’s talking to you again, even very briefly, is a good sign. When she responds again, maybe tell her “I’d love to talk to you over the phone again, if you feel ready for that.”
 

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Discussion Starter · #28 ·
I don’t have any more except to give her time, and let her process her feelings. The fact she’s talking to you again, even very briefly, is a good sign. When she responds again, maybe tell her “I’d love to talk to you over the phone again, if you feel ready for that.”
Will do that! I'll give her all the time and space she needs. No matter what happens now I just want to show her how much she means to me and that I really care. This experience made me grow a lot in a short amount of time. I hope she sees that as well, sooner or later. I'll keep you all updated.
 

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My pizza got too heated in the oven when I ignored it too! Haha. Jokes aside, get a new girlfriend, my scandinavian dude, there are a lot of women in Norway and also those of "tropical nature" in Oslo. Been there trice :) No way you should get sad btw, you have that internal STP - motivation and eagerness. Let the world be your sandbox, lot of tools in that sandbox. With a lot of sand comes a lot to play with.

Your scandinavian dude.
 

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Discussion Starter · #33 ·
My pizza got too heated in the oven when I ignored it too! Haha. Jokes aside, get a new girlfriend, my scandinavian dude, there are a lot of women in Norway and also those of "tropical nature" in Oslo. Been there trice :) No way you should get sad btw, you have that internal STP - motivation and eagerness. Let the world be your sandbox, lot of tools in that sandbox. With a lot of sand comes a lot to play with.

Your scandinavian dude.
I get what you're saying, but I loved her more than anything. A well needed kick in the ass, but we'll see what happens. It's hard to move on when you really loved them.
 

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I get what you're saying, but I loved her more than anything. A well needed kick in the ass, but we'll see what happens. It's hard to move on when you really loved them.
Great that you considered my advice, and love can be tricky! I'd love if you'd check out my recent post about my girlfriend to give me some advice as well!
 

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Discussion Starter · #36 ·
Any updates?
Well, I sent her that message that you helped me write and nothing... She never responded to it. She messaged on sunday to ask about guitars so we exchanged a couple sentences, but that's pretty much it. I'm just grieving at this point because I don't know what else I can do. I was thinking of messaging her this friday or saturday again, just to talk about some fun stuff, nothing relationship related, but I don't know if it'll work :(
 

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I noticed several problems here.

1. It's not ex, because it wasn't "current" either.
2. 80% of what you think was between you two is just an illusion embellished by your minds.
3. There is no compatibility between you two for a serious romantic relationship. It may be for a friendship (with or without benefits) or something else, but for a relationship: it is not. You would have realized this after less than 6 months of living together.
4. She has some problems which you don't even know about.

It's very easy to fall in this trap when you're young. I realized that in your case this is the situation 3 seconds after I finished reading the post.

You will not die, stay calm. You will meet someone more suitable.
As it happened in dozens of other cases of acquaintances.

I understand perfectly this frustration with "I was so close, it's very hard for me to give up now that I completed 80% of the race", it's extremely tempting to want to reach the finish.

Know that many people have suffered this in their lives, that's why these experiences are good because they offer very important life lessons.

The conflict that arose between you IS POSSIBLE to disappear, but the cause that generated it most likely not (because it has to do with some factors that lead to incompatibility between the two of you).
And that will lead either to other conflicts in the future or compromises.

What this means? In the short term: nothing, you won't pay attention to them.
In the medium to long term: a disastrous relationship.

What would I do if I were you? I would wait a month (to calm down a little emotionally and start thinking and making logical decisions, not so agitated) and I would try to reconnect.

If at the moment I resumed the connection everything would go flawless and I would not feel that I have to compromise or step on eggshells with my knees to understand each other, good. I would go on together but very carefully, after a serious discussion.

If when I resumed the connection everything would not go perfectly and problems would appear again: I would take a dry swallow, I would assume the failure, I would enjoy what I learned and the moments spent together, I would wish her success and a beautiful life and bye.

You know why? Now you have no experience and you don't know. Many do not know (because a lot of people NEVER experience a high-quality relationship in their whole life which is kinda sad).

A beautiful and functional relationship does not require so much effort to be functional. Where there is compatibility, you never think that "I have to make compromises, so partner won't get upset" or that "I have to behave in a certain way to please her".

You have to detach yourself a little bit because you seem to have that kind of despair a person has when it attaches his future to another person (too much).

You can't beg for someone's attention or love. It's not productive.

 

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Discussion Starter · #38 ·
I noticed several problems here.

1. It's not ex, because it wasn't "current" either.
2. 80% of what you think was between you two is just an illusion embellished by your minds.
3. There is no compatibility between you two for a serious romantic relationship. It may be for a friendship (with or without benefits) or something else, but for a relationship: it is not. You would have realized this after less than 6 months of living together.
4. She has some problems which you don't even know about.

It's very easy to fall in this trap when you're young. I realized that in your case this is the situation 3 seconds after I finished reading the post.

You will not die, stay calm. You will meet someone more suitable.
As it happened in dozens of other cases of acquaintances.

I understand perfectly this frustration with "I was so close, it's very hard for me to give up now that I completed 80% of the race", it's extremely tempting to want to reach the finish.

Know that many people have suffered this in their lives, that's why these experiences are good because they offer very important life lessons.

The conflict that arose between you IS POSSIBLE to disappear, but the cause that generated it most likely not (because it has to do with some factors that lead to incompatibility between the two of you).
And that will lead either to other conflicts in the future or compromises.

What this means? In the short term: nothing, you won't pay attention to them.
In the medium to long term: a disastrous relationship.

What would I do if I were you? I would wait a month (to calm down a little emotionally and start thinking and making logical decisions, not so agitated) and I would try to reconnect.

If at the moment I resumed the connection everything would go flawless and I would not feel that I have to compromise or step on eggshells with my knees to understand each other, good. I would go on together but very carefully, after a serious discussion.

If when I resumed the connection everything would not go perfectly and problems would appear again: I would take a dry swallow, I would assume the failure, I would enjoy what I learned and the moments spent together, I would wish her success and a beautiful life and bye.

You know why? Now you have no experience and you don't know. Many do not know (because a lot of people NEVER experience a high-quality relationship in their whole life which is kinda sad).

A beautiful and functional relationship does not require so much effort to be functional. Where there is compatibility, you never think that "I have to make compromises, so partner won't get upset" or that "I have to behave in a certain way to please her".

You have to detach yourself a little bit because you seem to have that kind of despair a person has when it attaches his future to another person (too much).

You can't beg for someone's attention or love. It's not productive.

It is my ex. I'm not gonna call one year and 7 months of waiting to be with her "nothing". We were exclusive and our families knew about us as well. To refer to point 3: I would like to meet her and spend a couple weeks together to see how we really feel about it. Then I would know for sure whether it's possible or not. Point 4: I'm pretty sure I do, the thing is that she just didn't feel heard and then we had those fights.

I know I won't die either. The cause of the conflict was just us not listening to each other's needs which we usually did, but definitely not during the fight and we both let it get the better of us. The distance played a big part in it, too. I'll take it slow and try to talk to her once a week or so for a bit and see what happens. If I see it's not going anywhere, I'll stop, but for now it is what it is. I learned my lesson, and I agree, don't chase somebody to be in your life. They'll come around if they truly care. I just know both of us could've done better.
 

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It is my ex. I'm not gonna call one year and 7 months of waiting to be with her "nothing". We were exclusive and our families knew about us as well. To refer to point 3: I would like to meet her and spend a couple weeks together to see how we really feel about it. Then I would know for sure whether it's possible or not. Point 4: I'm pretty sure I do, the thing is that she just didn't feel heard and then we had those fights.

I know I won't die either. The cause of the conflict was just us not listening to each other's needs which we usually did, but definitely not during the fight and we both let it get the better of us. The distance played a big part in it, too. I'll take it slow and try to talk to her once a week or so for a bit and see what happens. If I see it's not going anywhere, I'll stop, but for now it is what it is. I learned my lesson, and I agree, don't chase somebody to be in your life. They'll come around if they truly care. I just know both of us could've done better.
You hang in there. It takes a little more time then this, so continue to be pacient, show respect and don't push her so that she feels safe 🙂 You know she is worth waiting for. And be nice to your self in the meentime, don't beat your self up. You are doing well now, so just relax.
 
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Discussion Starter · #40 ·
You hang in there. It takes a little more time then this, so continue to be pacient, show respect and don't push her so that she feels safe 🙂 You know she is worth waiting for. And be nice to your self in the meentime, don't beat your self up. You are doing well now, so just relax.
Sadly, I'm not a very patient person. I go back to overthinking and then struggle to pick up the pieces again, but I really do want her so I'll keep doing what I can. I'm just worried that she might move on and look for somebody else, but that's out of my control. I'll do my best and try to take care of myself as hard as it may be, but the fear is still there. Thank you c:
 
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