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MOTM January 2013
10,639 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
So, for those that need some advice for breaking some bad relationship habits or find themelves getting involved in unhealthy relationships, I have compiled a list of information, for those that want to be more relationship-aware.

Your Rights

You have the right to be you.

You have the right to put yourself first.

You have the right to be safe.

You have the right to be loved.

You have the right to be human - NOT PERFECT.

You have the right to be angry and protest if you are being treated unfairly or abused by anyone.

You have the right to your own privacy.

You have the right to have your own opinions, to express them and to be taken seriously.

You have the right to earn and control your own money.

You have the right to ask questions about anything that affects your life.

You have the right to make decisions that affect you.

You have the right to grow and change(and that includes changing your own mind).

You have the right to say NO.

You have the right to make mistakes.

You have the right NOT to be responsible for other adult's problems.

You have the right not to be liked by everyone.



Always take the time to get to know a person. Give yourself the opprtunity to see how the person behaves in many situations before you give your heart away. And don't give your heart away all at once. Give pieces of your heart, slowly, as you come to discover if the person is in deed what they seem. Over time, people will inevitably show their true colours. You are a valuable human being. Your well-being is worth taking that time.

Trust how you feel in the relationship. Do you feel happy, safe, secure? Or are you a little anxious. Are you too eager to please, afraid of doing the wrong thing. Do you feel valued, listened to? Are your thoughts and feelings being taken very much into account? Or do you feel the attention always seems to revolve around the other person, that you have to say things over and over and still do not feel heard, that your emotions don't seem to matter, do not count? Pay attention to these feelings, they are meaningful. Your feelings are your own internal warnings system, letting you know if you are in a relationship that is good and healthy for you or not.

Observe how other people treat others and the world around them, their family, their friends, their co-workers and the people they get devices from, everyone they interact with. This will tell you a great deal about the kind of individuals they really are. People tend to be consistant with themselves. People who have little regard for the community they live in, the world they inhabit, the environment that supports their existence, will have a little regard for you. As special as these individuals make you feel in the beginning, they eventually come to treat you just as they treat others in the world - with one difference - they will treat you worse.

When you see these signs, be smart, walk away. Go find real love - the kind that doesn't hurt.

2,108 Posts
I would add, to take a look at where the unhealthy stuff could be coming from. This may work better outside of the relationship, maybe in the aftermath of an ending. Sometimes this takes the esteemed and experienced support of a professional, but there are also books, workbooks, blogs and exercises that can help.

Do you need to feel needed? If you read through the list of codependent traits, do you see your own behavior? Where does that come from?

Do you feel complete without a relationship or do you feel you need one to be happy?

Are you stifling your own needs for the sake of your partner? If so, where does that come from? How can you put the past in the past?

Can you be emotionally close with a person, or do you like to distance yourself from them? Are you afraid of emotional intimacy, even with someone who has proved by their behavior that they are safe to open up with?

No two people are alike. Your needs matter too. If your needs feel far too extreme and intense for the present situation, that might be a clue that these needs are partly the residue of something from the past. Look toward that, lean into it, explore it, and you are more likely to put it to rest so it won't interfere with the present anymore.

All of that said, remember it takes two people to have a relationship - and if it isn't working, make sure you gain some perspective. It isn't all you. It isn't even mostly you. Figure out how to look objectively at how much of the results are due to your own choices and how much are due to the other person's. Sometimes you are just dating a jerkwad.
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