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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm new here so please forgive me if this is the wrong area to post this. If so, please point me in the right direction, thank you! Anyway, I met this guy a year ago and fell for him pretty hard. When I met him he had just fallen out with his friends (a massive argument over an ex both of them had seen - it's complicated) and had moved out of the house they had shared. He basically had no one to turn to about his problems, concerns. I felt this connection with him like no one else I had ever met and he said he felt like he could be his true self around me. We hung out a ton over the next few months (always me initiating) and he always accepted (in hindsight it's probably because he had no one else to hang with really even though he did enjoy my company). He shared his thoughts, concerns, aspirations, and worries with me, etc. (My friend basically said later that I was his emotional support and helped him out of a dark place in his life; plus he is the friend to never plan or initiate get-togethers she said). I thought that maybe he had feelings for me but wasn't sharing them or was confused because he still had feelings for his ex. So I was left in a lurch of emotions, not knowing what exactly was going on and then at the beginning of the year he told me he didn't have any romantic feelings towards me but he still treasured our friendship and that he hoped we could still be friends. I continued to hang out with him occasionally, plus he was in one of my lectures. And then in May he told me that he was seeing a mutual friend. I was still hurting and decided to avoid hanging out with him to help myself move on, though I never said this to him. I have not seen or talked to him since the end of May and I feel as though I have fully accepted the situation and moved on from him. However, as I treasure all my good friendships, I feel horrible for dropping off the face of the planet. I feel as though I can be friends with him and want to hang out again because I enjoyed the time we spent together. He's never indicated otherwise, but he may still be seeing this mutual friend. I really thought I would bump into him at a neutral gathering before now but it's been three months. Should I reach out to him out of the blue and ask if he wants to catch up at a really neutral place? Wait for it to happen organically through a neutral big gathering? Should I explain my behavior for the last three months? I really want to be friends with him still (I think he thinks that I've completely shut him out now - like an INFJ doorslam), but I don't know how to go about re-connecting with him? Any advice? Thank you in advance!
 

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I don't have much advice to give you. But you are taking a difficult road, not an impossible one though.

If you really think you have given your feelings a place then you can contact him. If he's being a good friend he'll understand why you dropped contact for a while.

Good luck. But please take care of yourself, as it isn't an easy road.
 

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Should I reach out to him out of the blue and ask if he wants to catch up at a really neutral place? Wait for it to happen organically through a neutral big gathering? Should I explain my behavior for the last three months? I really want to be friends with him still (I think he thinks that I've completely shut him out now - like an INFJ doorslam), but I don't know how to go about re-connecting with him? Any advice? Thank you in advance!
If you want to be friends with him, then reaching out is a fine idea at a neutral place. Remember how you hung out before where you initiated things? Well, initiate things again to catch up and there you go. Good luck on having a conversation that helps you shift your perspective so that things are in a better place. After all, isn't it possible that you just pop back in and he goes, "Oh, didn't notice you weren't there for a few months," or would that seem like a major insult on some level?
 

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Why can't you? Because you'll hurt yourself, sure. But at what point do we consider that pain is growth. Sometimes, we should be thankful for heartache. Perhaps there is a lesson in learning how to let go of the ego, in its attempt to control the autonomy of another.

You don't have to be the same person you are today, you don't have to be the same person around him, that you were. It is your choice to accept hurt, or move away from it. I think that flow of thought is either your undoing, or a pathway towards greater understanding, and acceptance.

I've had this happen to me...

Edit: Thought this might mean something to you...
The boy in blue dated a girl that I tried to give my love to. I did so by spending almost 40 hours drawing her the best thing I've ever drawn. Then she dated him! And he disappeared, as he found his love with her, leaving me incredibly alone. And so, catharsis became a door slammed shut, and then opened again gladly, with a smile I never knew I had. Find a happiness in the situation, it will shape you. (perspectives...)
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Why can't you? Because you'll hurt yourself, sure. But at what point do we consider that pain is growth. Sometimes, we should be thankful for heartache. Perhaps there is a lesson in learning how to let go of the ego, in its attempt to control the autonomy of another.

You don't have to be the same person you are today, you don't have to be the same person around him, that you were. It is your choice to accept hurt, or move away from it. I think that flow of thought is either your undoing, or a pathway towards greater understanding, and acceptance.

I've had this happen to me...
And this is exactly what I've struggled with and finally gotten my head around in the last five months. I feel as though I have really accepted the hurt and all the lessons that came with this heartbreak. I know that neither of us could/can control how we feel (to some degree) and that's taught me a lot of things. I also realize that things will not be the same between us, but I also feel that we are both mature enough to still be friends. I have definitely grown from this experience and discovered more of myself and my own needs.
 

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I believe (as much as one hemisphere of my brain allows me to) that we are not supposed to be in control of our emotions. Even with the analogy of a wild animal that may succumb to taming, it seems more wonderful left to freedom. Emotion will see more of the world with its instincts left unchecked. At least that's how I see it right now. A fuller understanding is not the saddle of control, rather the understanding that we have seen more of the inner-world.

Who cares who said it, but I love it: "Be not the rock that parts the stream". Keep flowing.
 

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Long-time lurker, I decided to sign up today to give you some advice on this problem.

I wanted to start out by saying I completely feel your pain, I've fallen for friends in the past and it didn't end up working out, for whatever reason. It sucks, doesn't it? Especially when you feel you two click and have chemistry and had developed a great relationship. It HURTS when you like someone and they end up falling for someone else; the jealousy, pain, and ego bruising really take a toll on you.

BUT, and I will tell you honestly, you cannot be friends with someone you have feelings for, even just a little bit. And I'm getting the feeling you still have feelings for this person (I could be wrong). WHY torment yourself with more tears and more hurt, when you've already made such progress toward healing? Now is NOT the time to establish contact with this individual. The only way to get over someone 100% is no-contact, you will not get over this person and move on by establishing contact. No contact allows you time to heal and get over the person, and possibly to find someone new.

Why do you want to contact this person after months of not contacting them? I understand he was an old friend, but is this about seeing if you could get together with him now? I ask because you said he may still be dating that mutual friend. Not sure how that is relevant if you've healed up and just want to have a 100% platonic relationship with this individual?

My advice? Don't do it. And you may never be ready to be this person's friend again. That's okay, you can easily be friends with many more people.
 

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I say go for it.

Who knows what emotions you may experience, but we could have this conversation about anything that has some sort of unknown variable involved. Realistically, he has set some clear boundaries and a few months have passed where they could really sink in. It's up for you to judge whether you feel an ample amount of time has passed and whether you've come to terms with those limitations.

If you do follow through with it, you have to do what we do best... introspect. If you feel that you are slowly leaning towards those romantic feelings again, are getting hurt, or similar, then you need to catch yourself early so that you can protect yourself before your emotions go "balls deep" as my crude friend likes to put it.

In any case, keep in mind that he may not be receptive towards any reaching out -- you could get door slammed immediately. Could you handle if his feelings of friendship towards you have changed over these few months?

Good or bad, I'm an experience chaser. You can't always control the good or bad that happens to you, but you can grow and evolve from it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Long-time lurker, I decided to sign up today to give you some advice on this problem.

BUT, and I will tell you honestly, you cannot be friends with someone you have feelings for, even just a little bit. And I'm getting the feeling you still have feelings for this person (I could be wrong)... No contact allows you time to heal and get over the person, and possibly to find someone new.

Why do you want to contact this person after months of not contacting them? I understand he was an old friend, but is this about seeing if you could get together with him now? I ask because you said he may still be dating that mutual friend. Not sure how that is relevant if you've healed up and just want to have a 100% platonic relationship with this individual?
First of all, thank you for your thoughtful advice (after being a long-time lurker as well!). Of course, I still care about this person because I do like him and I really do just want what is best for him. Honestly. I do think I have gotten over my feelings for him because I know it will never be reciprocated; I accept that. And to clarify, I do not want to get-together with him. It's a 100% platonic approach on both sides now. I mentioned him dating the mutual friend because at the time, it hurt me too much to see them together or any mention of what was happening between them - so I decided to fall off the face of the planet in that regards. So what I mean to say is I have no idea what has happened/is happening there. I guess it was just a side note to give some background reasoning as to how I felt/acted in the past. To top this off (don't know if this makes it better or worse), I have become really good friends with another mutual friend of ours (we'll call her Cat.) and Cat has introduced me to his old core of friends (whom he had a falling out with, but they have made up and hang out now). Anyway, I think I now have a growing crush on one of the guys in this group.
 

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If he treasured your friendship then why hasn't he put the initiative to hit you up in the 3 month hiatus? Relationships - platonic or romantic should not be a one way street. As much as you value the friendship in the past, he may not feel the same way as you. Words hold no weight when it isn't backed up with action.

You'd be lying if you said you wanted to meet up with him and develop a platonic relationship. As much as you feel you're ready to start anew with this guy, you are probably not ready, especially since you made a thread asking for advice how to go about talking to an old friend. The hesitation simply tells me you are not over him.
 

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@DreamSpark

From your initial post i understand that you thouroughly understand and accept that your friend had no romantic intentions towards you, and that you are dealing with this.

I tend to view these things on a case-to-case basis. Some people just can't handle being friends under such conditions, but others most certainly can. It depends on the friend, the situation and on oneself and one's level of maturity.

I tend to agree with @Lad (which doesn't surprise me - that seems to happen a lot o_O)

Personally, I feel that good friendships and real clicks are incredibly rare, and for me, they are always somewhere in the realm of love. So I'd say you should try and talk to him and assess the situation again. If it is in any way possible to be friends again, it's probably worth finding out about it.

Good luck
 
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