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Discussion Starter #1
Have you ever ghost someone? The definitions may refer to dating, but your experiences can be from other relationships, such as friendships, school or work relationships.


"the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication."

"The act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone the subject is dating, but no longer wishes to date. This is done in hopes that the ghostee will just "get the hint" and leave the subject alone, as opposed to the subject simply telling them he/she is no longer interested. Ghosting is not specific to a certain gender and is closely related to the subject's maturity and communication skills. Many attempt to justify ghosting as a way to cease dating the ghostee without hurting their feelings, but it in fact proves the subject is thinking more of themselves, as ghosting often creates more confusion for the ghostee than if the subject kindly stated how he/she feels"
 

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No, but it seems that others can interpret my (typical ISTJ?) tendency to be highly focused on things in an exclusive/serial manner as ghosting, even if the ghosting intent is totally missing on my part.
 

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Ok. I will share one experience I had with ghosting. I got this job at a fast food restaurant. I worked very few hours, maybe twice a week. Right after I got hired, the manager that hired me got a brand new job so she left, and a new manager was hired. He sucked. He literally made the schedule for the next day the night before. What that meant was that I had to call in every single night to see whether I had to come in to work or not. I got sick of it. Even though I needed the money, I was busy with other things. So I quit calling and I just didn't show up anymore.
 

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Ok. I will share one experience I had with ghosting. I got this job at a fast food restaurant. I worked very few hours, maybe twice a week. Right after I got hired, the manager that hired me got a brand new job so she left, and a new manager was hired. He sucked. He literally made the schedule for the next day the night before. What that meant was that I had to call in every single night to see whether I had to come in to work or not. I got sick of it. Even though I needed the money, I was busy with other things. So I quit calling and I just didn't show up anymore.
Oh man that is rough. I almost snapped at my manager from my last job because she would switch the hours and confuse me. The month before she had an excellent system going where she had all the hours we had to work on paper. I think she was ENFP.

Anywhoo, I turned in my two weeks notice because I didn't want that biting me in the tale. I'm so shocked you didn't, didn't that make you uncomfortable?
 

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Yeah, I've been ghosted before and it's shitty. When I catch someone ghosting me I call them out on it and don't care if they think I'm clingy or whatever. No, I don't do ghosting when it comes to other guys, I tell them it won't work.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Anywhoo, I turned in my two weeks notice because I didn't want that biting me in the tale. I'm so shocked you didn't, didn't that make you uncomfortable?
Yes. I was immature and did not know how to handle the situation. The economy was horrible so I was grateful to even have a job. I should've known my worth, no matter how low my status or pay was.
 

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I've stopped communicating with people. I have no issue with doing so, and I don't take offense when it happens to me. People move on.
 

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Yeah, I've been ghosted before and it's shitty. When I catch someone ghosting me I call them out on it and don't care if they think I'm clingy or whatever. No, I don't do ghosting when it comes to other guys, I tell them it won't work.
I'm curious, what's the motivation for bringing it up with the person? What do you want out of the confrontation?
 

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I'm curious, what's the motivation for bringing it up with the person? What do you want out of the confrontation?
Tangentially, I am not a ghoster, probably because as an ENTP I have no problem with confrontation or letting someone know I don't think it is going to work out. It is on the same level hard for me to see why it would be so hard for someone to tell me the same thing (I won't get hurt feelings because there are many fish in the sea and I wouldn't want to be with someone who isn't into me).

That said, I also don't like to waste my time, so if someone isn't into me, but is only occasionally communicating and I can't tell if they are interested but busy or ghosting me, I would prefer if they would just tell me they aren't interested so that I can just "take their name off my list". For example, when a guy texts to say, "Let's do something next week if you are free," and then I don't hear from him for 10 days, I can't tell if I'm getting ghosted or if he is busy. I don't like wasted time.

So, anyhow, sometimes I just say - hey, if you want to get together let's just pick a day and do it, otherwise I think I'm going to focus on spending my time with other people. Not trying to be passive aggressive, just making it clear that I don't want my time wasted. It has an effect at any rate.
 

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Tangentially, I am not a ghoster, probably because as an ENTP I have no problem with confrontation or letting someone know I don't think it is going to work out. It is on the same level hard for me to see why it would be so hard for someone to tell me the same thing (I won't get hurt feelings because there are many fish in the sea and I wouldn't want to be with someone who isn't into me).

That said, I also don't like to waste my time, so if someone isn't into me, but is only occasionally communicating and I can't tell if they are interested but busy or ghosting me, I would prefer if they would just tell me they aren't interested so that I can just "take their name off my list". For example, when a guy texts to say, "Let's do something next week if you are free," and then I don't hear from him for 10 days, I can't tell if I'm getting ghosted or if he is busy. I don't like wasted time.

So, anyhow, sometimes I just say - hey, if you want to get together let's just pick a day and do it, otherwise I think I'm going to focus on spending my time with other people. Not trying to be passive aggressive, just making it clear that I don't want my time wasted. It has an effect at any rate.
Are all people worth the time to explain why it's not going to work out?
 

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Are all people worth the time to explain why it's not going to work out?
Seriously - how much time does it take to send a text that says:
"It was nice meeting you, but I don't feel like we connected romantically. Thanks for a nice night - good luck out there!"
"It's been great getting to know you, but I don't see us having a romantic future. I just felt like you are the kind of person who would appreciate honesty."

There - two responses and it took me less than 2 minutes out of my life and now I don't have to worry about them texting me or calling or commenting on my instagram anymore. Everyone wins.
 

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Seriously - how much time does it take to send a text that says:
"It was nice meeting you, but I don't feel like we connected romantically. Thanks for a nice night - good luck out there!"
"It's been great getting to know you, but I don't see us having a romantic future. I just felt like you are the kind of person who would appreciate honesty."

There - two responses and it took me less than 2 minutes out of my life and now I don't have to worry about them texting me or calling or commenting on my instagram anymore. Everyone wins.
Ah, well in that specific context, I can see your reasoning. But I wasn't referring to any specific context with my question. As far as I understood it, "ghosting" is not exclusively reserved for early dating situations.
 

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Ah, well in that specific context, I can see your reasoning. But I wasn't referring to any specific context with my question. As far as I understood it, "ghosting" is not exclusively reserved for early dating situations.
I suppose that is true. I guess most of the people I have talked to have experienced it in that context, but perhaps you are correct that it is now more prevalent in other situations as well.

I think that the proliferation of media and electronic devices makes ghosting a lot easier, and the perception of ghosting more glaring as well.
 

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I suppose that is true. I guess most of the people I have talked to have experienced it in that context, but perhaps you are correct that it is now more prevalent in other situations as well.

I think that the proliferation of media and electronic devices makes ghosting a lot easier, and the perception of ghosting more glaring as well.
Agreed. It seems to be more of a faux-pas than it was five to ten years ago.

I think it's generally referred to in a dating context, but yeah, was just speculating on a larger scale.

Like you, if someone is being half-assed in their communication, I put the ball in their court when it comes to taking action or maintaining a relationship. I suppose that's a fairly passive response (rather than taking the initiative even when they are being lukewarm), but eh...I don't prioritize relationships in general. So disconnecting and moving on is easier for me.

Forget and be forgotten, so to speak.
 

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Have you ever ghost someone? The definitions may refer to dating, but your experiences can be from other relationships, such as friendships, school or work relationships.

"the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication."
My comments pertain to friendships or acquaintances, not romantic relationships.
I don't consciously set out to ghost anyone, BUT sometimes I do fail to respond to phone calls, e-mails, text messages, etc. in a timely manner.
 
Sometimes I intend to respond later but get busy with other things and before I know it I've let a considerable amount of time lapse, and then it's just awkward to follow up. Especially if I don't have what I think they will consider a valid excuse. Sometimes I don't respond because I need to time to think about the conversation, or to contemplate how to best answer questions they may have posed to me, etc. My way of looking at things is often very different from others, so I like to think long and hard before responding. I have to work at seeing things through others eyes and I don't want to unintentionally offend.

I'll use PerC as an example: (but I won't mention any names)

I once had a PerC member ask me some questions privately about some things they were struggling with. At first I attempted to answer the questions promptly, but nothing I ever said seemed to be adequate or on target. I literally spent hours at times writing and re-writing responses to them. But nothing I ever said seemed to help, it seemed like I always missed the mark. I became quite discouraged and I starting letting a lot of time lapse between responses. What they didn't know was that I set down many times and invested hours working on responses only to later delete them as I felt they were inadequate. Add to that the fact that I was dealing with some health problems of my own in addition to having my mother in law in the hospital near death and later rehab. In retrospect I should have just told the person that I was sorry but at this time I could not help them. But I couldn't bring myself to do so as I felt like I was letting them down. The reality is that by trying not to let them down I did exactly that.

From their perspective I'm sure it seemed as though I was ghosting them. I know they saw me post comments from time to time on PerC and it probably offended them that I could do that but not respond to them. I was just too stressed at the time to deal with the depth of their topic. Honestly I began to feel like I had to hide in order to be on PerC. They ended up unfriending me because I didn't respond as fast as they felt I should. It really hurt me to be treated that way as I had invested a ridiculous amount of time trying to answer their questions (depriving myself of sleep) and to help them sort out their problems. To my knowledge I never said anything unkind to them. Still makes me sad and hurts a bit when I think about it. I did learn some valuable lessons from the experience though.


tl:dr

I don't intentionally ghost people, but I have probably been viewed as guilty of this.
 

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I'm curious, what's the motivation for bringing it up with the person? What do you want out of the confrontation?
Ghosting is a pretty lousy thing to do to someone. It can really hurt them and I know you said people move on but some of them have major difficulty doing that if they don't have any closure.

I had a friend sort of ghost me a few years ago. She just inexplicably made up these weak excuses not to hang out a few times so I stopped asking and now when we run into each other, we pretend we didn't see each other. I don't obsess over it but I do think of her occasionally, and feel confused and hurt. I ignore her harder than she ignores me - she said hi halfheartedly at a party recently and I pretended not to notice - but I'm always going to be confused and sad because I really liked her.

So...yeah, closure is a big deal for some people. Rejection can hurt and we want to know why it's happened.
 

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I know its bad, but I ghost people sometimes. Well no...
I do it a lot actually, I guess it depends who it is though.
 

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Actually, now that I think about it I did get ghosted by a friend. She was my best friend through childhood and when I got engaged she was into this big "I'm sick" thing where she would tell everyone she was too sick to get out of bed or work or anything, but then if a concert or something was going on she would suddenly be well again. At any rate, she always made a big deal about how I should never really count on her for vacations or showing up to stuff because she "couldn't guarantee how she would feel", and I just went with it. So when I got engaged I asked her to be a bridesmaid and asked my best friend from college to be my maid of honor (she lived abroad but flew in to my bachelorette which she arranged and flew in with her boyfriend for the wedding, etc). My childhood friend didn't show up to the bachelorette, got drunk at the wedding (even though with her "illness" she should't drink) and poured an entire glass of wine on my dress which she thought was "hilarious".

At any rate, after the wedding, never heard from her again really. One phone call when I moved, but after that, I sent her a Christmas card every year, e-mails, nothing. Got divorced, nothing. Turns out, guess she really wanted to be the maid of honor:)
 

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Slowly start to cut off contact, use of short answers is ideal.
 
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