This title of this thread sounds like the title of a dirty movie :laughing:
As far as a response on the actual post, no clue on this one.
As far as a response on the actual post, no clue on this one.
gift-giving: professor/student relationship?
hey guys...... i'm back with another situation i need advice on. :mellow:
i feel like crawling into a hole right now
so, yesterday (SUNDAY), i met with my research adviser who just wrote me several recommendations for grad. school. plus, we were both doing research in the department office, so i stopped by with some tea and croissant sandwiches i picked up on my way. i knew we were both working early, and i also knew he often complains about not having had enough time to run to the cafe to get food before. So while i was buying mine, i thought it would be considerate to get him some, too. an older colleague of mine worked with a different adviser, and occasionally bought food for her adviser, too, when it coincided with meal times, especially since they are going out of their way to meet with us in their free time. in addition to that, in order to thank him, i wrote a thoughtful thank you letter and a small gift that my parents INSISTED i buy - it was a gift card to the local cafe and a mug set (same place). where my dad works, he often receives gifts and when he/his friends teach at a college, gifts aren't seen as bad, but a nice gesture of appreciation. but my dad is an immigrant, keep in mind, and i was born and raised in the U.S.
anyway, i'm pretty sure this specific thesis adviser is ISTJ, but regardless, i'm still in dire need of your advice. my parents insisted i buy gifts for ALL the people who recommended me. i wanted to give a small gift, but they insisted i buy gift cards and a gift. this was on their bill, anyway. i remember in high school, everyone but me gave gifts to the teachers, so i thought that this time around, i would listen to what my parents told me instead of regretting it. my parents both went through grad. school in different countries so i felt i could trust them on this. plus, they said that even though rec. letters are part of their job, "who doesn't appreciate a gift as an appreciate of thanks?!"
when i dropped by and gave him the gift/tea/sandwiches, he said "well, we'll pretend this isn't a bribe." he didn't look happy about what i bought and put it aside the entire time talking to me. so now i feel awful. i just wanted to express my gratitude, because i know it takes a lot of time and effort to advise students outside of their own work. but i dont want him to think of me badly. i couldn't tell if he was being polite and politely passively telling me not to bring him any more things. or if he genuinely appreciated the concern/thanks? he didn't say thanks or anything, but he didn't treat me any differently (badly). i didn't get any response from him except putting everything i bought completely aside. did i do a major faux-pas? next time i see him, should i explain how my parents did their grad. degree in a different country where it was customary to buy tea/drinks and thank-you gifts? and in all honesty, i don't want this to positively or negatively influence the grade for the research i am doing for him in class. (btw, i am doing a post-bac degree right now - so im done with college, and doing a program that offers classes outside of my BA, before going into grad. school). if i were a professor, and a student bought me a gift out of appreciation, i personally wouldn't be bothered by it and i would keep the grading/research separate with my personal relationship with the student, but asdja;sdjakj ah, sorry, im just ranting now. :sad: i need some help with damage control. i think my professor doesnt like me now/hates me. before i end the post though, i acknowledge that i am low on sleep and when i am sleep deprived, i tend to be pessimistic. i dont know what he thinks of me? what do you guys think he thinks of me, based on what happened? and should i explain to him all this? and what are your personal opinions on giving gifts to professors
i feel like crawling into a hole right nowso, yesterday (SUNDAY), i met with my research adviser who just wrote me several recommendations for grad. school. plus, we were both doing research in the department office, so i stopped by with some tea and croissant sandwiches i picked up on my way. i knew we were both working early, and i also knew he often complains about not having had enough time to run to the cafe to get food before. So while i was buying mine, i thought it would be considerate to get him some, too. an older colleague of mine worked with a different adviser, and occasionally bought food for her adviser, too, when it coincided with meal times, especially since they are going out of their way to meet with us in their free time. in addition to that, in order to thank him, i wrote a thoughtful thank you letter and a small gift that my parents INSISTED i buy - it was a gift card to the local cafe and a mug set (same place). where my dad works, he often receives gifts and when he/his friends teach at a college, gifts aren't seen as bad, but a nice gesture of appreciation. but my dad is an immigrant, keep in mind, and i was born and raised in the U.S.
anyway, i'm pretty sure this specific thesis adviser is ISTJ, but regardless, i'm still in dire need of your advice. my parents insisted i buy gifts for ALL the people who recommended me. i wanted to give a small gift, but they insisted i buy gift cards and a gift. this was on their bill, anyway. i remember in high school, everyone but me gave gifts to the teachers, so i thought that this time around, i would listen to what my parents told me instead of regretting it. my parents both went through grad. school in different countries so i felt i could trust them on this. plus, they said that even though rec. letters are part of their job, "who doesn't appreciate a gift as an appreciate of thanks?!"
when i dropped by and gave him the gift/tea/sandwiches, he said "well, we'll pretend this isn't a bribe." he didn't look happy about what i bought and put it aside the entire time talking to me. so now i feel awful. i just wanted to express my gratitude, because i know it takes a lot of time and effort to advise students outside of their own work. but i dont want him to think of me badly. i couldn't tell if he was being polite and politely passively telling me not to bring him any more things. or if he genuinely appreciated the concern/thanks? he didn't say thanks or anything, but he didn't treat me any differently (badly). i didn't get any response from him except putting everything i bought completely aside. did i do a major faux-pas? next time i see him, should i explain how my parents did their grad. degree in a different country where it was customary to buy tea/drinks and thank-you gifts? and in all honesty, i don't want this to positively or negatively influence the grade for the research i am doing for him in class. (btw, i am doing a post-bac degree right now - so im done with college, and doing a program that offers classes outside of my BA, before going into grad. school). if i were a professor, and a student bought me a gift out of appreciation, i personally wouldn't be bothered by it and i would keep the grading/research separate with my personal relationship with the student, but asdja;sdjakj ah, sorry, im just ranting now. :sad: i need some help with damage control. i think my professor doesnt like me now/hates me. before i end the post though, i acknowledge that i am low on sleep and when i am sleep deprived, i tend to be pessimistic. i dont know what he thinks of me? what do you guys think he thinks of me, based on what happened? and should i explain to him all this? and what are your personal opinions on giving gifts to professors
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This is SO true with me:
I tend to "view any mistakes (I) have made as being worse than they actually were."
Thinking now, i do think i pushed the boundaries. I don't know why, but when I was buying my own tea/sandwiches, I felt this impulse to buy the professor's too. I do this with my friends/family as well. With friends and family, if I'm on my way to see them and I know they have this favorite dessert, i'll pick it up on the way home, or if i know they're super busy to eat, i'll cook or pick something up for them. I've done this before with women professors/colleagues, and it was accepted as a gesture of friendship and just a nice, personal thing, but i feel it is a lot more different with male professors.
so next time i see him, should i apologize or talk to him about this?
and how should i conduct myself? it's hard for me to ignore nothing happened or pretend like i didn't do anything wrong?:sad: but yes, i will definitely chalk this up as a learning experience as soon as i do some damage control
I tend to "view any mistakes (I) have made as being worse than they actually were."
Thinking now, i do think i pushed the boundaries. I don't know why, but when I was buying my own tea/sandwiches, I felt this impulse to buy the professor's too. I do this with my friends/family as well. With friends and family, if I'm on my way to see them and I know they have this favorite dessert, i'll pick it up on the way home, or if i know they're super busy to eat, i'll cook or pick something up for them. I've done this before with women professors/colleagues, and it was accepted as a gesture of friendship and just a nice, personal thing, but i feel it is a lot more different with male professors.
so next time i see him, should i apologize or talk to him about this?
and how should i conduct myself? it's hard for me to ignore nothing happened or pretend like i didn't do anything wrong?
:sad: but yes, i will definitely chalk this up as a learning experience as soon as i do some damage control 
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