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Discussion Starter #1
Last week I met a girl in class and asked her out. We went out Friday, Saturday and Sunday. After our first date, things exploded. We began making out, cuddling, talking intimately and felt really great together.

Today after class, she told me "I think we should stop seeing each other" I asked why, and she said "I don't know, I feel guilty".

I think this is because one of her friends likes me, and she's been making both of us uncomfortable because we've been seeing each other. I didn't think they were very close, but apparently they're close enough that she decided to end things with me.

I get the feeling it wasn't that she "chose her friendship over our relationship", more that she doesn't know how to stand up for herself and rather bow down to that friend and stop seeing me.

I'm not sure how to respond. I've heard that when a girl leaves you, the more you try and get her back the farther you drive her away. My ideas:

a) Stop talking to her, make no attempts to reconnect, and hopefully wait until she changes her mind.

b) Write her a sincere letter, telling her how much I respect her and want her to be happy and I'm fine with whatever she decides, but that I think we have real potential to have a long term relationship and I hope she changes her mind.

Any ideas?
 

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A is better than B, but it's still not completely correct. You're basically saying "I'll pretend to ignore her, secretly wishing she'd come talk to me" - and even as you're attempting to ignore her, you'll still give off that vibe.

You need to literally just move on. Wash your hands of the situation and go meet someone else. If on the off chance that happens to assist you in getting that girl to want you more, bonus. If it doesn't, then you're not hung up on some flaky, weak girl, and have moved on to other things...This is your win-win condition. Use it.
 

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This is an inaccuracy, I would say:

I've heard that when a girl leaves you, the more you try and get her back the farther you drive her away.
It depends entirely on the individual, not on the sex of the person. But like others have already said, it's not really your "job" to fix her issues. I'd be honest, write her a simple letter, without excessive emotion (don't make her feel even more guilty for leaving you in conjunction with her other guilt), which lets her know you really like her, and for her to let you know if things in her personal life change.
 

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Still not seeing why he should write a letter to her.

They went out a few times, there was affection and escalation of expectation as often happens during the initial stages of an affectionate relationship...but in reality, they are nothing at all. It's something a rational person can and will simply walk away from, move on, and not think about. Which is likely what she's doing.

Him writing her a letter detailing his thoughts and feelings after having seen her only a few times is straight-up odd. She might find it endearing, more likely she's going to find it off-putting.

Forget about her. Move on. If she spoke in haste and still likes you, she'll track you down. Don't chase or get emotional with her. You don't have the connection or bond for such a thing to make sense. It comes off as desperate, and there is nothing that dries up a vagina faster than desperation.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Not doing anything seems like a great way to let her slip away.

Don't write her a letter, meet up with her and talk or at least phone her.
Okay, well if I call her tomorrow what should I say exactly? Just keep it brief and ask to meet up and talk? I'm afraid that'll be easy to say no to.
 

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Okay, well if I call her tomorrow what should I say exactly? Just keep it brief and ask to meet up and talk? I'm afraid that'll be easy to say no to.
Don't give her an option.

Tell her you need to talk to her, ask her when she's free and set up the time. If she says no, insist. She may still resist, but if you don't give her an option to say no before hand she needs to create one, and that is a bit harder.

Also, don't sound desperate. Tall order, maybe, but you need to figure it out.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Don't give her an option.

Tell her you need to talk to her, ask her when she's free and set up the time. If she says no, insist. She may still resist, but if you don't give her an option to say no before hand she needs to create one, and that is a bit harder.

Also, don't sound desperate. Tall order, maybe, but you need to figure it out.
Thanks man. Hopefully I'll at least figure out what the heck is going on, even if we don't get back together. I just can't believe she wouldn't talk to me about any problems before they got to the point where she felt like things needed to end.
 

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I would say something like "If you really don't want to date me, I understand and respect that, but I don't understand why you want to end it because you feel guilty"

And I agree with @DiamondDays that you should talk in person.

If after talking she is still pretty adamant she wants to end things then just leave it be.
 

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If she's causing this much trouble this early on, why would you want her back to begin with? There are plenty of girls who don't leave drama at every step.
 

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sounds like a done deal to me, sorry bruv

you could write her an email that you regret how things turned out and caution her that her "friend" may cause problems for her in the future as well and that she is not really her friend and that she is really a selfish bitch out to ruin her friend's relationship for her own agenda

which sounds a bit extreme, but I've met people like this before and they are fucked up and poisonous

to be honest, the only potential positive outcome of this is your girl breaking up with her selfish bitch "friend" and she will be better off
 

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Discussion Starter #14
So I ended up calling her and leaving a voicemail saying "Hey, we need to talk, just let me know when you're free," I talked to my therapist about this (surprise surprise, I have relationship issues, as my other crazy threads attest) and she said my voicemail sounded pushy is probably why she didn't call me back (over 7 hours passed from my voicemail and no response). I ended up texting her and this was the conversation:

Me: I'm not angry or mad, I'm just confused. Things were going so well and I don't know what went wrong. I want to see you again, I want to spend time with you and get to know you more. I don't want you to feel guilty, I want you to be happy.

Her: I'm sorry. Thanks for wanting me to be happy. I don't want you to be upset with me or have things be awkward. I just think we would be better off as friends. We have so much in common. I'm not ready for a relationship and we were moving too quickly and I don't want to disappoint you.

Me: I'm so sorry you felt that way, the last thing I wanted was to make you feel uncomfortable. The last thing I wanted was to ruin things.

Her: You didn't do anything wrong. I said I would tell you if we were moving too fast and I didn't.

I don't respond. Then 2 hours later...

Her: Btw if you like that one band, you might like the artist Grimes :)

So, something I initially left out was that when we were being intimate and things were getting hot and heavy, I fingered her. I don't know why, we had been making out for over half and hour and I got the feeling she wanted things to move forward, but I sure as hell didn't want to ruin things by going for sex or having her do anything to me, so I thought doing something for her would be ok.

It wasn't until right after that she told me she was a virgin who hadn't done anything except kissing, and she'd only had 2 boyfriends in high school, and apparently one of them was verbally abusive (I get the idea it might have been sexually abusive too, I seem to become attracted to these kinds of girls...). I felt awful and made sure to tell her I didn't want to rush things, and she assured me she'd let me know if things were going too fast. That was Saturday. Then the next day we hung out at my place, more making out and then cuddling/spooning listening to music. I felt good that we were able to communicate and the next time we hung out we were able to just kiss and be intimate.

Now with her texts, it seems like it's less to do with the friend and more about me rushing things and her feeling weird about it. This was all 4 weeks ago. In class I was assigned a group project with her in it. I'm assuming she's so new to relationships she doesn't understand that we really can't go back to being friends and it WILL be awkward, although I'm not going to do anything to make that worse.

I've seen her in class, we've studied in that group before, and I've acted cool. Not super interested, just back to before when we were just acquaintances. She hasn't shown any interest in me since and any texts between us since have been me asking for notes if I missed class, or me asking if she knew anything about such and such assignment and she just responds "nope".

It's officially over, we're not even friends and while if I found someone else I'd be find, but a part of me is still hung up. I don't understand from her perspective how things can go from cute and romantic to absolutely no interest in me. She's an 18 year old freshmen and I'm a 21 year old junior who's had sex with several partners, but I really want a long term relationship in my life and thought this was the perfect match for that.

Part of me is just ready to move on, another figures I might as well put a last ditch effort to get her back since I have nothing to lose. In reality that last ditch idea is just there to excite me and try to ignore the fact that it's over. I know for most people this isn't a big deal and these kinds of short lived things happen many times until it finally clicks and a real relationship is formed, but I don't run into these opportunities often and I'm upset.
 

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Consider it a lesson then. As a girl, if I feel someone is coming on too strong for me or moves too fast, I can sever the connection pretty quickly if there is no real intimacy between us - intimacy is established after knowing each other some amount of time and we know each other on a deeper level than initial passion (and passion can dissipate in 2 seconds flat if something turns me off). If I don't know the person well, I don't feel I owe them a particularly detailed, personal answer. I am guilty of not being too direct in the past (not like this now... although I am in a relationship now :p), but I felt as long as I conveyed the general sentiment, all would be well. I imagine many women go about it this way, as frustrating as it is.

I know it sucks, but you just have to shake it off and move on.
 

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I'd just say "Alright, that's fine... Shame though, I really thought we had a lot of potential together".

Yeah that voicemail does sound rather pushy assuming it's verbatim; "hey, would I be able to chat with you sometime soon-ish? It'd only take like 2 minutes, tops~ :3" - sounds much better!

If it's that big of a deal to her, then perhaps it would be (or would've been) best to hold back and leave most of the initiating to her. Not to suggest manipulation or anything, but I can't help but wonder how she'd react if she observed you chatting it up with other women... and 18 is still fairly young (at least I think so anyway).

If she still likes you, then I'm sure she'll stick around; just make sure you've let her know how you feel before accepting everything and finally trying to move on.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
I know it sucks, but you just have to shake it off and move on.
Yeah I know, in all honesty I'm a desperate person because I'm new to this area/university and don't have many friends, and haven't been in a relationship in several years. I just thought we clicked well but as always, I read into things more than are there.




I'd just say "Alright, that's fine... Shame though, I really thought we had a lot of potential together".

If she still likes you, then I'm sure she'll stick around; just make sure you've let her know how you feel before accepting everything and finally trying to move on.
Well it's been 4 weeks since that voicemail, and we don't talk anymore. Our group stopped studying together and I see her once a week in class from across the room. There's nothing left to say, and no opportunity to say it. I feel like I let her know I liked her from my one text... "Things were going so well and I don't know what went wrong. I want to see you again, I want to spend time with you and get to know you more. I don't want you to feel guilty, I want you to be happy." but she didn't respond to that with any interest.

I had this small pathetic hope that if we stayed friends maybe we could start over and try again, but looking back it was more of a way to let me down easy. We don't talk or hangout or anything. And if I were to ever text her and ask to hangout, she'd be too busy. I've already initiated almost every text since that voicemail, and she only responds because she's being nice, not because she's my friend.
 

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She said she feels guilty. It's not your job to take care of her end. Until she knows what she wants, stay out of it and do your own thing. If she doesn't want it, she doesn't want it. End of story.
yes thats good respond but WHY does she feel this way is a better question.

is she not used to moving fast? I know i would feel slutty making out or sleeping with a man after the third day of seeing him. eh... another question is, Is she seeing another man when he's not around?
 

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yes thats good respond but WHY does she feel this way is a better question.

is she not used to moving fast? I know i would feel slutty making out or sleeping with a man after the third day of seeing him. eh... another question is, Is she seeing another man when he's not around?
The why doesn't matter. There could be a zillion reasons why. He barely knows her. I don't think the goal is to figure out people's problems when you're just getting to know them, haha. If she can't handle it, she can't handle it. Relationships of any sort shouldn't start with one person fixing the other's problems. xD
 

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The why doesn't matter. There could be a zillion reasons why. He barely knows her. I don't think the goal is to figure out people's problems when you're just getting to know them, haha. If she can't handle it, she can't handle it. Relationships of any sort shouldn't start with one person fixing the other's problems. xD
in that case, why when IN the relationship is the person helping fix the other person's problem. two people are "suppose" to start out independent from the other's issues so why not when dating the person is the relationship about helping them solve or even solve it for them. when the relationship has occurred.
 
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