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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My girlfriend of five months is visiting California for 17 days. So far she's been gone 13 days. She's visiting her half sister (along with family and friends). They all went to Vegas for five days as well.

Our agreed primary form of communication with each other was going to be through private messaging on Facebook, with her calling me from her sister's phone on occasion. She never gave me her sister's phone # to call her. I also gave her five love cards to open on specific dates. She left on a Saturday and I messaged her later that night saying I hope she arrives safe & has a great time. She messaged me back late on Sunday to let me know she was safe and having a great time and will continue to update here and there.

I left her a Facebook message on Tuesday updating her with my life, and added another message Wednesday saying I missed her and hope things are going well in California. I didn't here back from her until Sunday. But she was on Facebook every night from Wednesday to Sunday updating on her wall, telling the world of her trip, and responding to wall posts. But she never got back to me. I was quite angry. From my point of view it looked like she was intentionally ignoring me.

She finally called the next Sunday (five days after my initial message) and talked for 10 minutes. I asked her why she was ignoring me. I wasn't ok with her doing that. She said that she got the messages on Facebook but was only updating her wall since she was checking them on her smartphone. She said she had read my messages but didn't reply back to anyone's Facebook private messages, much less mine (but it isn't hard to respond back to private mesages on a smartphone). I said fine then, but why couldn't she get in touch for an entire week? She didn't have an answer. We talked for a bit but then she was going to eat supper. Said she would call this week sometime.

So she hasn't called yet, though it's only been three days. But she hasn't messaged me either since day 2. And we're on day 13. I'm not expecting her to be in touch all the time. She's on vacation, and is there to have fun. But she has the time to post everything she does on her Facebook wall and reply to other people's walls, and yet she can't, or doesn't want to, share her experiences with her boyfriend and get in touch withme? She's making no effort at all.

Am I being unreasonable to expect a bit of contact? Something seems off with this...
 

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I would feel ignored and unappreciated too if I were you. I don't like it at all. But maybe different type has different style of communication. Try not to take it too personally and let her have fun. Don't contact her or leave her messages on Facebook/email again until she contact you.

Meanwhile, go have fun and enjoy your temporarily moment as a single guy with your friends. I'm sure everything will be okay again once she comes back. :happy:
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I would feel ignored and unappreciated too if I were you. I don't like it at all. But maybe different type has different style of communication. Try not to take it too personally and let her have fun. Don't contact her or leave her messages on Facebook/email again until she contact you.

Meanwhile, go have fun and enjoy your temporarily moment as a single guy with your friends. I'm sure everything will be okay again once she comes back. :happy:
Am definitely enjoying my life right now, it does feel like I'm single. :confused:

I haven't messaged her since last week. Am not planning to again.
 

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Firstly, lol.. screw that. I can understand someone needing a break from their significant other (which she is obviously taking more like a mental vacation from you) but she should have at least warned you that she wouldn't feel like communicating much.

I can understand the levels of anxiety and frustration felt when a significant other goes awol. It sucks. What I would do is also a little mental checking out. I would put the whole thing out of my mind and focus on other things until shes ready to 'splain.

And she does gots some 'splainin to do. :dry:
 
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She does have some explaining to do... sending you a message saying that she wanted to talk less than planned would have taken her maybe a minute at most, especially considering that she had the time to respond to other people on facebook.
 

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I would definitely remember that we all communicate differently, and if she is out there with her family, she might be caught up in that and what they are doing and time moves faster when you are having fun. I understand having the time to post one or two lines on facebook but not really feeling like responding to PMs or phone calls or even texts.

You did have an agreed upon communication plan, but maybe she thought she would be able to do it at the time.

In any case, your feelings are valid because feelings are always valid imo. Don't message her again until she contacts you, and when she gets back and finally does, then you guys can talk about it.
 

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The hardest thing to do in a relationship when the other person wants space is to give it to them. Relationships function as security blanket and your gf is like a kid who is sleeping with too much blanket and has thrown it off to be more comfortable. She'll need it again soon. Wait until she contacts you from vacation, don't plague her.
 

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Find other girl, one who cares about you.

This girl just cares about her stupid trip, make a phone call or send a message is too easy today, there is no excuse.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
And she does gots some 'splainin to do. :dry:
Get a new girlfriend. This one is defective.
I'm going to have a serious discussion with her when she gets back. More to do with a few other issues in our relationship. Her going away has really cleared my mind to the cause of these issues. I'm ready to break up with her unless she's willing to do a 180 on these issues. And even then...

I was out with some friends on the weekend and one of the guys has known my gf for years. He said she's an attention seeker. She loves having a boyfriend because she has trouble being alone, but in public she looks for attention at the expense of those she cares for. My friends were shocked at how selfish she can be, because she looks like such a sweet, caring girl from the outside. But she lacks empathy and looks out for her needs with little understanding of how others will react. And doesn't understand why others make a big deal when she doesn't treat them well. I realized yesterday after my original post that she treats her family this way. BIG red flag. I think it's time to move on. This deal with ignoring me is just the "straw that broke the camel's back."

I wasn't expecting constant communication here. She's on vacation. But I figured she would want to share her exciting trip with her bf from time to time. I guess not. Heck, I've done a lot over the past couple weeks I would love to share with her. I guess I wont be. And she communicated to me that she would keep in touch. She hasn't. It's at the point now where I've stopped caring about the relationship. She does "gots some 'splainin to do" lol.
 

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You got your red flag, do the right thing now.

No talking, no second chances, there is a lot of better women out there.
 
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Clonester, allow me to throw an idea out there, and you can deem whether it is accurate or innaccurate. If it's inaccurate, then pardon me. Are you the type of guy who gets rather emotionally dependent on your girlfriend, in that you feel more secure when you are around her and are in constant communication with her? If so, you may be coming across as clingy. There is a line that is difficult to detect that separates Dedicated from Dependent, and usually the one on the receiving end of the dependence is consciously or unconsciously aware of it and feels pressured and claustrophobic in the relationship. This is because there is an unspoken pressure for the dependee to deliver some form of security and soothing to the dependent.

If this is the case, she may be partly taking a vacation from you so that she can detach from the enmeshment of the relationship and have time to herself to think and act in a more independent fashion. And if I am correct in my theory of your actions, I am not saying that you don't truly love her (the love note interval things are a nice touch), but that you may be pushing too hard for it. True love is two independent people sharing themselves with each other while maintaining their inner independence, their needs, and who they are.

I think that the best thing you can do is to allow her to finish out her time there, and don't call her or contact her. Just wait. And when she gets back, don't bring it up immediately, or show the hurt or concern in your demeanor that she might be expecting and that might make her defensive. Accept that she needed that breathing room, and welcome her with gladness. And if she doesn't bring it up in a week or so, you can ask her about it in a way like, "What was it like for you in California when we weren't in communication very much? Was it helpful for you to have some space for awhile?" Then she may respond. You would be asking HER about how SHE feels, instead of telling her how you felt, and then bringing her into defensiveness and guilt. After she explains herself, share how and why it was difficult for you, but that you respect what she needed, and look at what that means for both your needs in the future.

(By the way, I had a similar experience. I had a girlfriend who was very clingy and needy, and I went to California to see family, and it felt depressing being away from her because I was myself dependent on being needed, but I just wanted to separate my mind from the relationship, and only called her once during the week. I needed it big time.)
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Clonester, allow me to throw an idea out there, and you can deem whether it is accurate or innaccurate. If it's inaccurate, then pardon me. Are you the type of guy who gets rather emotionally dependent on your girlfriend, in that you feel more secure when you are around her and are in constant communication with her? If so, you may be coming across as clingy.
Not really. I have lots of hobbies and friends that keep me occupied. Even while she's been gone I've spent a lot of nights out with friends having fun. We saw each other maybe twice a week, and talk or text for a bit most days. Our initiating calling is about 50/50 or 60/40 she calls more.

SHE'S actually very much the clingy type. I was away on a five day camping trip earlier in August and she called me everyday. The one time she called she asked me four times if I missed her. Sometimes she's all over me physically. So much so that my close friend says we should get a room. But she's not as clingy with me as she was with her ex. They saw each other every day and she smothered him. Which is why they broke up.

I really think it has more to do with maybe her interest level/unsure about things. And she has a lot of issues, seeks attention to boost her self esteem, but lacks empathy. She seeks out her own needs and doesn't really look out for or understand the other person's needs. Right now she's getting all the attention she needs from California and posting her adventures on Facebook. I'm just an afterthought right now.

What I'm not cool about: She's putting in NO effort to contact me, and she said she would keep in touch but hasn't. Meanwhile she's been posting all over Facebook.
 

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Not really. I have lots of hobbies and friends that keep me occupied. Even while she's been gone I've spent a lot of nights out with friends having fun. We saw each other maybe twice a week, and talk or text for a bit most days. Our initiating calling is about 50/50 or 60/40 she calls more.

SHE'S actually very much the clingy type. I was away on a five day camping trip earlier in August and she called me everyday. The one time she called she asked me four times if I missed her. Sometimes she's all over me physically. So much so that my close friend says we should get a room. But she's not as clingy with me as she was with her ex. They saw each other every day and she smothered him. Which is why they broke up.

I really think it has more to do with maybe her interest level/unsure about things. And she has a lot of issues, seeks attention to boost her self esteem, but lacks empathy. She seeks out her own needs and doesn't really look out for or understand the other person's needs. Right now she's getting all the attention she needs from California and posting her adventures on Facebook. I'm just an afterthought right now.

What I'm not cool about: She's putting in NO effort to contact me, and she said she would keep in touch but hasn't. Meanwhile she's been posting all over Facebook.
Thank you for your response, that was helpful. In this case, where she is the dependent one, there is another view to consider. Of course you'll have to look at the possibility of whether she is losing interest in the relationship or feeling unfulfilled. Dependent people and clingy people, as much as they immerse themselves in relationships, always end up feeling unfulfilled no matter how good the person is for them, unless they learn to overcome their insecurities. It just turns into one boyfriend or girlfriend after another. If she is starting to feel unfulfilled, it's an issue to look at. I don't know what your relationship has been like so far, so you'd know better than me.

The other issue to consider is that she still is very attached to you, and really wants to be with you, but when she is apart from you, it hurts too much for her to talk to you on the phone and contact you on Facebook because it brings all of the feelings of the relationship up, yet she can't be with you. So it's easier to try to put the relationship out of her mind as much as possible to avoid constant feelings of loss and discontent. That is another thing I have observed with dependent individuals. When they are separated from their dependee or are apart from other people of value, they try to block it all out to avoid the pain of separation.

Those are a couple of ideas. If indeed your girlfriend is clingy, be careful, because those insecurities can become major problems and keep the relationship from moving forward in a healthy, stable way. You described her physical neediness, which is a caution sign that she may be looking for validation and soothing through physical touch, because of how real and tangible the love feels. To an insecure individual touch often feels like a more trustworthy form of love than words. Again, since she can't physically touch you and be around you now, it may be very hard for her right now, so she's throwing all her effort into finding validation through her Facebooking and whatever else.

There are several different factors that can lead a person to become clingy and dependent, but I won't go into that now. But I encourage you, consider whether this is a healthy relationship, and what might need to change. She needs to have more security with herself, loving herself, knowing she's loved, and that will lead to her being less fixated on trying to feel loved, and will allow her to handle times apart more easily. She needs to believe that from within herself. When she does, she'll be less focussed on scrambling to meet all of her perceived needs for validation and soothing, and she'll instead adjust to where she begins perceiving where others need it.
 

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I think it's likely she's getting all the attention she needs from her family in CA. So many fun things to do! So many new people to meet!

So as long as her own needs are fulfilled, you know . . . that's what's important. :dry:

Remember the barber's advice about women: "NEXT!!!!!"
 
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Nice...

I just wonder if clonester needed to vent a bit, because that certainly sounds like rather bad girlfriend behavior. "I didn't respond to anyone" is kind of a diss when you're talking to your main squeeze.

But why thrash through all of it? If you think it sucks, and it feels like it sucks, and your friends also think it sucks, probably it sucks, and you should move on.

Try reading "he's just not that into you" (but replace "she" for "he" as you read). If she's not calling, she's not that into you, so why bother yourself about it, unless it's helping you in some way?
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Matchbook: That sounds exactly like how her life has gone so far, and she's very insecure. I'm a very healthy and mature guy. Her dating history has been with guys who give her attention for sex, but she confuses it for love. Then they treat her bad, or just don't genuinely love her. Now that she's in a healthy relationship I don't think she knows what to make of it. She is probably confused. But that's no excuse to treat me poorly (more with other issues in our relationship than with this incident). Her insecurities have created some issues and instability that shouldn't be in a healthy relationship.

Slowpoke and Isis: I did need to vent a bit. The problem is not being able to act on it while she is away. Otherwise I would have spoken with her/broken up last weekend. If nothing else all this thinking has clarified what I need to do. This relationship is heading nowhere fast.


I bet once she gets back she'll be extra clingy and nice since she wont have her sister's family and friends giving her attention. I'm glad for one thing during her vacation- It's given me a chance to see the relationship for what it really is. Awesome on the outside but hollow on the inside.

Thanks everyone for the feedback.
 

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Clonester, do you know how you are planning on handle the situation after she gets back? Do you plan to confront her about her insecure actions and look for a resolution? Or are you planning on ending things? Whatever you do, you have the opportunity to be the guy in her life that helps her to see these problems and shows her how things can change. But don't take the responsibility to MAKE it happen for her.
 
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