[LeafStew]

I want to know your opinion, everyone is different and not everyone want the same thing. Is romance important to you? How would you quantify it?

 

[WickerDeer]

I'm not sure if we both use the word the same way.

A romantic relationship is what I think of when you say "a couple" and so it would have to have a lot of romance in it in order to even qualify as a romantic relationship to me (and certainly if I was going to want to be in it).

But maybe you are talking about traditional or conventional romantic gestures--like buying flowers or rings?

But if not, and you are just talking about romance--then it would need to have a significant amount of romance in it since I am monogamous and can't really then get romance from any other relationship. So I guess "a lot."

I guess other "couples" would just seem like friendships without the romance?

Unless you are talking about sexual coupling and casual sexual encounters, which I guess don't have to have romance in them. But I am not interested in that--so I guess till "a lot" would be the best answer.

 

[mia-me]

Never used to think so but it does matter to me, to some extent. For some, grand public gestures matter. For me, it's the little things. As an example, one of the most romantic dates that I'll never forget was that after dinner, we were walking down a street full of nightlife with clubs and casual restaurants with open, street level patios and outdoor tables. It was a weeknight so it wasn't insanely busy. He ordered ice cream and I ordered coffee and we sat outside. Suddenly, torrential rains came down from nowhere and everyone else ran inside. We sat by ourselves, cozy and protected by the patio umbrella, in our own little world chatting and laughing, sharing ice cream and coffee. Nothing else mattered but that moment together in time.

 

[letsrunlikecrazy]

I'm not crazy about flowers. The sight of a dying flower, especially wrapped in plastic, depresses me.

I'm not crazy about public gestures either. I don't want random strangers looking at me and grinning like fools or god forbid, cheering. I'd be dying inside.

I don't want to be swept away on a surprise adventure. Schedule that shit.

It's romantic enough if the guy likes me enough that it shows on his face and his everyday actions. The important thing is to feel loved, not to be treated like a romance movie character.

 

[WickerDeer]

Now that I am thinking of it more--and even trying to narrow down "romantic" moments in my relationships--maybe there was a disparity between what I thought of as romantic and what a partner did. Or perhaps they didn't even value romance that much?

I was trying to think back on a romantic event to even define it for myself--I thought of some date I had years and years and years ago when I first learned to make lasagna--that seemed sort of romantic to me. Just making lasagna together. But who knows--he could have just been making dinner and not thought it was romantic?

But I might just have a grudge that doesn't allow me to think of any of the dates I've had with exes as romantic--I just really can't think of them trying to be romantic. Or when they did, it really didn't register to me.

I wonder how different people's concept of romance can be. I just assumed it was mostly in my head that the relationship is romantic, but not really about the other person purposefully bringing romance into it--that seems a lot rarer. And even rarer is when it is successfully experienced as romantic by me. I do love it when that happens though. It's the thought that counts.

I mean...is there something romantic about lasagna? I think as a gesture it was just like...something I could always have and take with me, is how to make a certain dish. And the fact that he was into that at that age (we were both pretty young--I think I was 17 or 18 and he was a year older) was also sort of romantic. Plus we went to a beautiful flower garden, which I also associate with romance. That might have been my first conception of a romantic gesture as much as it's difficult to explain what it was about it that was romantic and Idk how he even thought of it. Though I'd say he was trying to get at least a little bit romantic.

But most others I can think of fall flat--I just think it's almost like love languages--perhaps one person's love language is idk...duty, so they see something they do as romantic. But the other person doesn't get it that way. Romance without real love and care (or romantic gestures) are not valuable though.

I think that maybe the lasagna made me feel cared about or something--or equal. I also was surprised by how easy it is to make!

Plot twist: I was actually just hungry and I confused it for romance. They say a way to a man's heart is through his stomach--maybe I am more masculine than I like to think of myself. Ugh--but we could also have philosophical discussions. I remember he told me "you catch more flies with honey than vinegar" and I argued that I didn't want to catch flies. I don't remember what we were talking about, but we did argue sometimes--even in high school, which is when I got the crush on him. I def. wasn't prepared for a relationship or anything then though--and with him it was almost like a trial run or playing house--and I just was not ready at all. It's odd to me that a memory like that would end up seeming romantic to me now. But lasagna is good. That could be the real reason--plus making lasagna is fun.

 

[Glittris]

I am not a girl, but I am also devil's advocate.

some girls just do need acts of service from time to time, others are high-maintenance, needs gratifications and flattery over and over again.

My point: Mileage may vary.

Asking for some average level in romance..., believe me when I say this, I have looked around in this system, sadly to say, there are way too many variables in this system to ever give any suggestions. Academically, if you run the same relation extrapolated into a thousand years or more, then I can start to find some common matches, but then it is still based from the person's initial characteristics, not to mention how they interact and balance out each other. Which counteract the base for romance in the first place...

 

[mia-me]

Plot twist: I was actually just hungry and I confused it for romance. They say a way to a man's heart is through his stomach--maybe I am more masculine than I like to think of myself. Ugh--but we could also have philosophical discussions. I remember he told me "you catch more flies with honey than vinegar" and I argued that I didn't want to catch flies. I don't remember what we were talking about, but we did argue sometimes--even in high school, which is when I got the crush on him. I def. wasn't prepared for a relationship or anything then though--and with him it was almost like a trial run or playing house--and I just was not ready at all. It's odd to me that a memory like that would end up seeming romantic to me now. But lasagna is good. That could be the real reason--plus making lasagna is fun.

Perhaps you're overanalyzing it in your plot twist? Doing fun things together, in a harmonious way, can increase that sense of intimacy.

Something else that I perceive as romantic would be injokes and banter. Nothing nasty, just funny, witty jokes. Again, intimacy focused.

Okay, guess my definition of romance would be intimacy.

 

[WickerDeer]

Perhaps you're overanalyzing it in your plot twist? Doing fun things together, in a harmonious way, can increase that sense of intimacy.

Something else that I perceive as romantic would be injokes and banter. Nothing nasty, just funny, witty jokes. Again, intimacy focused.

Okay, guess my definition of romance would be intimacy.

Yes--my plot twist was sort of joking, but I also wondered about the material objects I'd associate with romance--and the focus on lasagna.

I guess material objects make sense because sensuality--it has to do with engaging with the sensory world and so does sex. And that's often seen as intimate or romantic.

But also the symbolism I guess--that is probably more what these objects might be about. Flowers are often symbolic and they can be given as a romantic gesture to communicate something else.

Maybe that symbolism is part of what makes romance "romance," because google dictionary said it was related to mystery and stuff. And so symbols tend to be sort of mysterious--as they communicate something else that isn't literal. Like about feelings.

 

I think for me, lasagna may have become almost a personal symbol for romance because of that experience. Maybe the red sauce--maybe the way that the layers are positioned in the pan. It's an action that requires knowledge and also an understanding of cooking, but also that specific recipe. And he was just like "oh lasanga's really easy!"

I mean...no it's not! It's easy enough but it's also a lot of work and the fact that he chose to bother with that effort is perhaps part of why it's romantic too. Like he chose a real meal to create--not just from the box or whatever. If that makes sense.

I have cooked all kinds of meals since then and while lasagna isn't that hard it's also quite a beautiful dish. I love how there is a pattern you must follow with it--first the sauce then the cheese then the noodle--or at least that's how I make it.

So it's really special to me that he spent the time to teach me.

Also--I remember he criticized me for kissing like an old lady and he also instructed me as to how to soften my lips and not just pecks like I kiss my grandma. I mean...idk. Maybe it was his personality or the vulnerability of not knowing and being accepted for that. Normally I'd probably feel insulted, and maybe I did, but I got over it and now remember that also being "the best kiss" since my first kiss was gross--I was a lot younger and his tongue reminded me of a disgusting slug trying to get into my mouth. So this guy--the lasagna guy, he didn't just try to push his tongue in my mouth like a slug, he just talked to me about it and he told me I kissed like an elderly grandmother and then we resolved it and I actually tried letting him kiss me with softer lips (I mean, why wouldn't I clamp my lips shut if I thought it was going to be like the disgusting slug?) and it worked out well.

It wasn't perfect--but I did learn how to make lasagna and stop kissing exclusively like an old lady.

That was tmi and also--I just looked for him on social media and saw pictures of him! I was curious what kind of person he turned into and I have no idea except he's just older. And he supports Bernie Sanders. I wanted to draw him from the social media pictures he posted, but then I decided that's sort of like copywrited so I might just study the pictures and then draw later. I wonder if that is really strange but idk--he is attractive and it's not too often I can find an attractive model to draw on the stock photo resources, because they are all strangers so none of them really look that attractive. I'm just not sure how creepy drawing people you went on a date with decades ago is. lol I suppose I can draw and then delete it or try to memorize and then draw--though that sounds almost creepier and seems like the result would be way weirder "oh hey I memorized your face from your photos until I could draw you." rofl He will never know though--I'm just interested in artistic and creative inspiration and not anything else. His eyebrows do look like birds though--I remember thinking about that as a teen and then I wondered--but I see it. They still look like birds.

I also think witty banter is attractive, but I am not witty myself at all (especially when around someone I'm attracted to) so I just appreciate it in others.

Yeah--I have a hard time trying to think of a difference between romance and intimacy too.

 

[neutralchaotic]

I want to know your opinion, everyone is different and not everyone want the same thing. Is romance important to you? How would you quantify it?

If we're running with the romance = intimacy slant and not the current commercialized standard of 'romance', then...a lot! That's my reasoning for getting into a romantic relationship, otherwise I would be perfectly content with my platonic friendships (platonic and romantic difference being sexual tension/attraction).

Most of that intimacy is just through quality time, and I can set expectations for that quality time with a partner. Whereas with a friend, it's just whenever our schedules happen to match up. So, that chosen quality time feels more special to me, and makes me feel closer!

 

[mia-me]

Love flowers, whether outside or cut. They're beautiful and smell lovely. But a single red rose gifted unexpectedly and with sincerity is a lot more romantic and meaningful than large bouquets to impress. Money's cheap and sincerity, priceless.

 

[IamAlexa]

I can never get tired of romance in a relationship.

 

[mia-me]

I can never get tired of romance in a relationship.

What's your definition of romantic?

 

[Vivid Melody]

I'd say a lot. I'm the Sx instinct first so that merging and intensity is important to me. I think what makes something romantic (at least to me) is the intention behind whatever is being expressed. Just when you're both genuinely really into each other you can't help but express that passion, that burning desire for each other. I'm a total sap. Words and Physical Touch are tied for me as my primary love languages so those get bonus points in my mind, but like I said, anything can be romantic depending on the energy and intent behind it. So long as it is genuine feeling and not contrived or pretentious. I'm not romantic in the traditional sense, but I'm not opposed to traditional things either.

 

[IamAlexa]

What's your definition of romantic?

As per definition, for me, Romance is Love in action. That's only my definition.
It can be divided into lots of categories:
1. Acts of service - Caring for the other person, willing to move mountains for the other person (just a phrase).
For me: When the other person wants to help me out in practical life problems and wants to make my life easier (using his intelligence ofcourse, I am not going to make him do lots of physical hardwork)
2. Gifts - Little unique things, to show appreciation for the other person.
For me: Lots and lots of flowers, little gifts (they don't have to be expensive) from time to time.
3. Physical Touch - In public, holding hands or other touch (just to show that she is mine and we are a team)
4. Physical Touch - In private. Lots of close proximity.
5. Other things - Flirting, complementing on appearance, cracking jokes to make other person happy, etc...


There are other things too. But that's my list.
Number 1. bring the most important to me everytime. Other points take a backseat.
I want my life to be like a complete romantic dream.

 

[islandlight]

I always figured romance was for people who didn't like sex.

Most romantic expressions are distasteful to me. Candles and all that? What for? I remember one man dancing "romantically" with me in the kitchen. I felt ridiculous.

Romantic gestures can be manipulative as well. The romantic instigator is following a script and you're supposed to respond according to the script. Or else. (Example: Giving roses, then theatrically throwing the roses in the garbage an hour later.)

I do like loving gestures -- words of appreciation, a thoughtful gift or action, companionship, affection. Sincere, real life stuff. But romance? Nah.

 

[Squirt]

Romance is an attitude/sentiment, not a specific set of actions, to me.

I don’t really care for it. It just doesn’t light me up like it seems to do for other people.

For this reason, I struggled to understand “coupling” in teenage years when no sex was involved. I can sort of see the appeal now that I am older.

I like to flirt, and have fun, and sometimes feel passion or a deep connection with another human, and even devotion to another. But... it’s not like a gushy, lovey, sentimental feeling that I associate with romance.

I’ve always had a weird interest in structuring a marriage like a business merger, too, if that is any indication.

 

[mia-me]

Romance is an attitude/sentiment, not a specific set of actions, to me.

I don’t really care for it. It just doesn’t light me up like it seems to do for other people.

For this reason, I struggled to understand “coupling” in teenage years when no sex was involved. I can sort of see the appeal now that I am older.

I like to flirt, and have fun, and sometimes feel passion or a deep connection with another human, and even devotion to another. But... it’s not like a gushy, lovey, sentimental feeling that I associate with romance.

I’ve always had a weird interest in structuring a marriage like a business merger, too, if that is any indication.

That's why I like this thread. It asks you for your definition of romance.

Relative to the physical results of perceived romance, do you ever feel a little heart tug/swell, a touch swoony/breathless? It's different from the raw energy of sexuality, although one can segue into the other.

 

[Kelly Kapowski]

Are you asking to get an idea for someone in your life @LeafStew, or just in general to gather information? If you’re trying to figure out someone in your life, I guess I’d think the first place to start is learning their love language. For example, my top two are quality time & physical touch. Merge those two together and voilà, ✨romance✨ (for me). Doesn’t really matter what it involves, as long as it’s quality & it’s happening. Gifts is last on my list, so receiving “things” has absolutely no romantic value to me. In regards to your question, if Time & Touch = Romance to me, then by that definition I need a good amount. Without them I don’t feel connected. Give me connection or give me death. Best wishes & I hope you’re getting some helpful answers!

 

[Faery]

"A fuck ton" wasn't an option, so I chose the closest.

 

[Electra]

I need lots of romance