Let's try this again. Answering the questionnaire when I'm in a neutral mood (post-writing warning: by the end I'm not) is more likely to give accurate answers. It might be useful to keep in mind that my Enneagram test results are 5 (either w4 OR w6, depending upon how I am feeling that day) 4w5 and 1w9, sx=sp. It seems very accurate. Enneagram categories seem to affect a different dimension of being and will probably illuminate function issues.
Apologies for the scattered tone. I've added to this at many different times throughout the day. Also be forewarned: this is long. REALLY long. I tend to write too much.
1) What aspect of your personality made you unsure of your type?
Function order (and this is consistent across tests): Ne (very high, though sometimes equal to) -> Ni -> Fi -> Si=Se -> Te -> Ti=Fe
I seem to predominantly use both Ne AND Ni, according to function tests, and recall both as a core part of my childhood. Fi is fairly obvious as well, though it seems less mature than it ought to be if the suggestion that I am Fi-dominant is correct. With Fi comes Te, and I can be very good at organizing, but it does not come on command. I either understand it, or I don't. However, I am very good at building efficient systems. There is something about sheer efficiency that really gives me a rush, or butterflies. I get really cranky when others are inefficient. I could not possibly be Fe-Ti, as I do not identify with either of them. I really respect Ti, but I tend to butt heads with those who employ Fe with frequency. I can't trust them to be truthful (with others or themselves). I recognize Si as a natural part of my being, more in a negative sense than a positive, though Ne-Si can be very fun in cooking experiments - tons of ideas springing from one ingredient, combined with a taste memory, which allows me to "taste" combinations before creating. I don't use recipes and come up with very unique, but delicious, combinations. Understanding why combinations of ingredients plus outside forces interact the way they do helps me to do this. Ne-Si was also a core part of fine-art modeling for me - a lot of symbolism, the opportunity to use my ideas in quick succession before they are lost, I do recall internal bodily sensations easily, and the flow of ideas with some very intelligent photographers. This Si is all very new to me though, and developed recently (I am now 24). I was always internally hypersensitive, lots of psychosomatic issues (which I got punished for as a child... a headache or illness is still a headache or illness, even if it does not stem from a physical cause. It's not a LIE or being consciously made up. It drains me the same way a physical illness would).
Of course, my understanding of the functions could be entirely incorrect.
2) What do you yearn for in life? Why?
Balance. It is hard to achieve. Knowledge/learning. I get so much joy out of making connections - ideas AND human. I would also like to be more outgoing, because when I can get past my social anxiety/insecurities, talking to and learning about others (only in a really nosy what-are-your-internal-motivations-tell-me-your-deepest-secrets way... otherwise it just seems shallow) is incredible.
3) Think about a time where you felt like you were at your finest. Tell us what made you feel that way.
???? I don't really feel like I've reached my potential, and honestly am not sure what it is. I have interest in too many things and too many talents. I suppose I feel I am at my best when I am allowed to come up with something new, no boundaries, or solve someone's problem.
4) What makes you feel inferior?
My Mormon ESFJ mother. Living with her (when I was younger, and now having to move back in) REALLY hits my self-esteem hard. Everything I am, the core of my being, is wrong to her. On the other hand, I would be fairly accepting of her if she didn't feel/act this way and really favor my ISTx and ESTJ brothers and ISFJ (?) sister. (I get along best with an INTP brother, then an ESFP sister, and got along well with my very obviously Fi-dominant youngest sister until she saw me more as my daughter's mom than her sister - she gets jealous). I suppose sports would make me feel inferior if I cared. Sometimes my husband's ability to do things in a very technically correct way makes me feel inferior, because the ideas are usually mine but he gets the credit for carrying them out (It's hard to type him, because his functions also developed in a strange pattern... Maybe ISxP, though he could be an N - he has serious Se but only because he worked really hard to develop it, sometimes it drains him, his favored brothers are ENFJ and INTP, also gets along well with my INTP brother but in a different way than I do. And yet he seems like an E.). We work very well together this way, but cannot work together at the same time on the same steps because our methods are too different. Actually, I really clash with his ENFJ brother sometimes as well, but not nearly so much as my mother. Fe-dominant types apparently drive me crazy.
5) What tends to weigh on your decisions? (Do you think about people, pro-cons, how you feel about it, etc.)
That really depends upon the decision. All of the above, in varying degrees according to the situation. I like to make the most reasonable decision, applying both logic and emotion.
6) When working on a project what is normally your emphasis? Do you like to have control of the outcome?
...Working? ...Project? ....Outcome?!
I'm terrible at following through on my ideas. Lots of ideas, they go nowhere.
Jokes aside, when I was in grade school and actually did do the work, I hated group projects with a passion because the concept is severely unfair - I do all of the work because anything I actually do needs to be perfect (or did at the time, I'm getting over that) and the other children were borderline incompetent. Sure, they had competencies in other areas, but I wasn't exactly expecting to be picked for their sports teams or social groups, so why did I have to put up with them in a scholastic group setting? Essentially I told them I would just do it, which we were all satisfied with (and they were usually hoping for), BUT I was angry that they would get my grade. However, there was no point in whining about it to the teacher, and I didn't really want people to hate me. I was neither hated nor loved, just the kid who was reading 10 books at once and knew all the answers, very neutral. No need to tip the balance toward the negative.
7) Describe us a time where you had a lot of fun. How is your memory of it?
I don't remember specific instances. When prompted by someone else's recall of a memory, I can sometimes remember the basic ideas/concepts/feelings, but the details just aren't there.
8) When you want to learn something new, what feels more natural for you? (Are you more prone to be hands on, to theorize, to memorize, etc)
None of the above. I read something, and then it's there. It's stuck. How it gets there so quickly, I don't know. The knowledge and understanding is stronger if I can make connections with prior knowledge, even if the exact details are somewhat nebulous and the connections are bizarre.
That said, I taught myself to read at 2. I then read EVERYTHING I COULD GET MY HANDS ON, though preferred fiction, mysteries, encyclopedias (I have banned myself from Wikipedia because I have 50+ tabs open within a few minutes), and the dictionary. Yes, I read the dictionary for fun. I love words, languages, and interlingual relationships/root words/etymology and history. Making these connections comes naturally to me, and I think having to be taught to think this way would be very difficult. I want to learn as many languages as possible, and particularly Latin, Ancient Greek, and Sanskrit, to enhance my knowledge base and essentially give me lingual superpowers. It's incredible how simply understanding roots helps me formulate :why: and grasp a concept on multiple levels. Yet, I still have a hard time using words to express myself properly. It seems to go beyond words.
9) How organized do you to think of yourself as?
Not.At.All. I should put a picture of myself in Urban Dictionary under "disorganized."
Being forced to organize/clean up a mess can actually make me cry from the sheer frustration of not understanding how to do it. Thankfully, my husband does. He can't get anything done if he is in an untidy room, and is very good at organizing THINGS (and finding them). He is not good at life strategy though. I, on the other hand, probably don't even notice (though I do have a fear of swarming bugs that propels me to clean food particles, and unclean bathrooms disturb me). I do have my own really unorganized method of organization that is almost subconscious - if I try to put something in a reasonable place so that it does not get lost, I guarantee, it will never be found again. Sometimes I will find myself in a bizarre trance of organization, but it doesn't last longer than a day.
10) How do you judge new ideas? You try to understand the principles behind it to see if they make sense or do you look for information that supports it?
The former, then I look for information that supports it AND information that disproves it, while considering that there are usually exceptions. I'm not going to agree with an idea simply because an authority figure (or eminent scientist etc) says that it is so. I tend to ask a lot of probing questions that rarely receive a sufficient answer. I really wish people would simply say "I don't know" instead of trying to preserve their need to be right at all costs.
11) You find harmony by making sure everyone is doing fine and belonging to a given group or by making sure that you follow what you believe and being yourself?
The latter. I prefer that others are happy and comfortable, but catering to them continually is highly draining.
12) Are you the kind that thinks before speaking or do you speak before thinking? Do you prefer one-on-one communication or group discussions?
I think before speaking. I prefer one-on-one communication only because others love to interrupt me in a group, showing little respect for my thoughts, or I can never get a word in without doing the same. However, I love to listen and observe in group discussions. Group dynamics fascinate me.
13) Do you jump into action right away or do you like to know where are you jumping before leaping? Does action speaks more than words?
I generally must know where I am jumping... if we are speaking literally. Figuratively, it really depends upon the situation and my mood. However, I do think that actions speak much, much louder than words. The subconscious is powerful. I actually had an argument with my husband about this just recently. People can (and do) easily lie with words, or highlight their denial, but actions tend to prove otherwise. Trusting someone's words is just as much of an assumption as he thinks reading between the lines is. I am no longer naive and do not fall for manipulation, verbal or nonverbal. However, I rarely think in words (and he thinks solely in words), so this can really color my bias. I think in concepts and feelings, and frequently I just know. Somehow. Translating my thoughts and ideas into words can be frustrating (when speaking) because the English language is limiting. I tend to use analogies, and rarely speak in absolutes. I am much more concise when writing if I am not writing about myself.
14) It's Saturday. You're at home, and your favorite show is about to start. Your friends call you for a night out. What will you do?
I don't even have a TV, I don't watch it. I will watch select shows on hulu/Netflix or DVD. I probably wouldn't even do that if my husband didn't want to, I would rather read and randomly discuss new ideas as they come up. Reading out loud is not an option, it is far too slow. I would definitely go out, unless they were going somewhere or doing something I found offensive (unlikely). Then I would probably think about all of the other things I could go out and do and go do something else. This is all with the assumption that I could actually get someone to babysit for me.
15) How do you act when you're stressed out?
Like a horrible, no good very bad person.
I don't handle stress well, though I do handle emergency situations very well.
I get very negative, have a hard time thinking and a worse time speaking yet verbally aggressive (a very bad combination), yell, order people around, over-analyze them/the situation, tell people exactly what is wrong with them psychologically if their issues have been slowly getting to me, order people around because they are being too inefficient. Emotional vomit, lots of crying, whatever you hear about crazy people probably applies. Blaming, which sometimes is applicable and sometimes is not. I get really angry about the fact that life involves having to rely upon other people and society and I feel really stuck in the system. Caged. Being stuck is one of my worst fears, both literally and figuratively. Eating problems - either comfort foods from my childhood in serious excess, or not eating at all. I've probably forgotten something, but I have a ton of issues and am working through them.
16) What makes you dislike the personalities of some people?
Harshness, a propensity toward watching tv or playing video games, going with the crowd or agreeing with someone/not speaking up even if it goes against their values. Denying the validity of my viewpoint as a human being or coming to the wrong conclusions about the motivations behind my actions, then judging. (ex: Saying that I breastfed my daughter without a cover-up for attention. The LAST thing I want is awkward sexual attention, and guess what? NOBODY PAID ATTENTION. Or perhaps they did, but I didn't notice, so don't care. I can be kind of oblivious. I have always had small breasts, even when breastfeeding, so the amount of breast one could see was far less than most low-cut shirts provide. I don't even have cleavage with a push-up bra. So this assumption was the biggest LOL I've ever had - what was there to pay attention to?! My daughter would scream and not eat with a cover too, and guess whose comfort I care more about? Yes, obviously I would rather my daughter receive nutrition without acquiring some sort of food complex before caring about the annoyance of one person.) I really don't have issues with nudity in general though, so people who are adamant about covering up and think the human body is evil really get to me. I would not care if everyone walked around in various states of nudity, because nudity does not equal sex in my mind. Nudity is a huge part of fine art as well, powerful and instrumental in both form and symbolism. I don't like it when people urge me to follow a plan and specialize.
17) Is there anything you really like talking about with other people?
Abstract concepts, layers/levels, philosophy, symbols, etymology and connections. I love intellectual conversations as long as they don't involve attacking on either side. I have the most congenial conversations with my INTP brother, it's amazing. We can each respect and see as valid the other's point of view while exploring a subject and drawing new conclusions. Neither of us see anything as absolute, I tend to delve into relativism. Sometimes our conversation turns very silly, things like cat psychology, but can pop back into a serious realm without a pause. I like word humor, but bad puns need not apply. I care more about conversational flow and connection than the subject matter, honestly, but it's hard to achieve for me.
18) What kind of things do pay the least attention to in your life?
Time - I don't understand it. Having watches/clocks around just makes me anxious, as do phones... but for other reasons as well. I have a two-year-old, so the demands on my time and emotional energy are maxed out. I resent the idea that people think they have the right to talk to me at any time that is convenient for them, and if I don't respond, that I MUST respond within a short set time frame. I don't communicate by email either. This was not really a problem before I had a child, but now I just can't handle it. This was a huge issue when I was modeling, and a good deal of what lead to a breakdown. When I actually have a phone, I never remember to charge it (okay, this was always a problem), or lose it, or turn it off on purpose. I also do not watch or read the news (with the exception of the NYT, which I love) because inevitably I hear about all of the horrible things people do (rape, murder, abuse, and worst, do all of that to children) and I get physically ill, and cannot forget it. I also completely ignore politics because the entire system is corrupt, the politicians are highly hypocritical, and a bipartisan system will never allow election of a candidate I actually think should be leading a country.
19) How do your friends perceive you? What is wrong about their perception? ? What would your friends never say about your personality ?
Do other people know these things? I have no idea. I don't really have friends right now either, though there are people I only get to see a few times per year that want to be in my life long-term (and I really love them). When I was a child I was considered a "genius" (yes, technically I am, but it has given me a lot of depression from getting lost in downward spirals of thought, understanding things too well at a young age, and not being able to relate to my peers. It has gotten me nowhere and I respect other forms of intelligence more.). I really rebelled against myself for awhile and tried to be normal (have lots of friends and enjoy sensory things), but that mostly backfired. However, I did learn a lot. No situation is a complete failure if you are capable of learning from it. Sorry, I do get off topic. My friends have always said that I am either an alien (yes, gotten this from a few different people) or just really, really weird ("But in a good way!"). People also like to say I am beautiful, which I have a very hard time believing because I never got much attention for it... in my perception. I may be somewhat oblivious to attention (I don't understand flirting and have no idea if someone is checking me out, according to my husband), and supposedly I am "very intimidating" according to many - how?! I'm tiny. I am happy to help anyone if they need it, and love to listen to others problems. I'm kind of a fluffy bunny internally, but I suppose it does not really translate. My friends have also admired my style, which was highly experimental. It mostly involved wearing clothing (and non-clothing) in very creative ways. I did not have one particular style until recently. I would never have been called fashionable, though I have done informal experiments in perception relative to how one presents oneself that have explained a lot to me. Now I actually understand how to dress appropriately for an event (well... mostly...).
20) You got a whole day to do whatever you like. What kind of activities do you feel like doing?
!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I would probably use a lot of exclamation marks and emoticons, assuming this "do whatever you like" day also includes not being judged. Apparently using exclamation marks indicates stupidity (wrong, just enthusiasm).
Do I get to pick how I'm feeling that day? Can I stop having psychosomatic issues and internal sensory feeling bogging me down? Can I stop having a body altogether? (I hate having a body, and attending to bodily issues like brushing my teeth and going to the bathroom is pure torture. Don't worry, I still do these things to prevent future problems, since I react terribly to the physical.) This is why I like being in water, the flow of aerial arts, and going down hills in roller coasters, and dreams of flight/lack of gravity - I no longer feel like I am chained to my body. It's such a freeing lack of sensation.
So yes, I would do those things, maybe learn astral projection (I am somewhat skeptical, but open to the idea that this is possible... so is everything else). I would read books, take a million classes (since now this is my day, my rules, it is no longer 24 hours) without having to take tests or write papers. These are inefficient measurements of my knowledge, and feel redundant. I can easily bs my way through an essay, even if I don't know what I'm talking about, or use logic (?) on multiple-choice tests, which are such a joke. The answer is usually in another part of the test, or even the question if you know how to look, or find the patterns in the teacher's test style. Grades are just annoying because they tend to measure how well you can (or will) follow directions/orders. I have always been a master at getting around rules and creative problem-solving. I would make an fantastic test-editor if someone wanted me to make one as difficult as possible, but I am somewhat anti-test so would refuse on ethical grounds. I have serious, solid ethics, though I do tend to examine and try to punch holes in them on a frequent basis, and do not apply them to others. I see issues from multiple sides, so I have to go with my feeling to decide my own ethics. Even my most solid conclusions, like "don't kill people", have exceptions and I :could: argue the opposite side. Many have said that I would make a good lawyer when I was a child since I could argue my way out of anything, or find the holes, or turn everything upside down so it looks crazy, but the idea clashes with my ethical base, and it would be very stressful. Off-topic again... but probably relevant. I would learn more about grammar, since mine is obviously not that great anymore but I just don't find it interesting enough to explore in my very limited free time.
I would travel, but not be limited to time, space, or schedules. Teleportation? Wings? As long as it's not the Wonkavision. A great glass elevator with all the options could be amazing!
Screw all that, I want a great glass elevator (preferably with the buttons labeled) for my day of doing anything. I love airplanes and that is just taking it to fifty next levels!! (Obviously I am no longer in a neutral mood. Too excited about the possibilities of great glass elevators.)
...More but I'm getting tired of this. I kind of feel like a cross between an xNFP and an INTx (mostly as a child, less now), but supposedly that's not possible. I am not an ISFP, as previously suggested. I was willing to entertain that, but in the end, my development of Se appreciation was related to.. um.. certain things and has fizzled off since it's been a very long time since learning those lessons. I do love the happy, laughing way xSFPs seem to go about life, and relish the few I have in mine, though our activities are generally different.
