Growing up? Numbness? Somewhat distressing

1719 Views 10 Replies 6 Participants Last post by OSKARR, Aug 3, 2010

Rusalka

Discussion Starter · Aug 2, 2010

Lately I have felt very different and sedated. Mind you, this is not saying I am unhappy. I focus on the mundane bullshit of every day life to not think very much about all that is currently happening around me. I make myself happy about stupid little things that do not matter much. I feel that if I start to think about deeper things in relation to me, a dam will burst somewhere and I will be incredibly unhappy and depressed. This is the same advice my mother gave to me while I was in a poor relationship and depressed (she is ISFJ, and always complains how I never want to talk about shallow things and only 'questions of the universe').

I spent most of this year depressed and in denial about a relationship. I eventually left it after I finally admitted to myself it wouldn't work. I left it the day I graduated high school to make it symbolic of my leaving behind a generally not-amazing part of my life. This greatly affected me throughout the year and made me realize how painful real depression is. The guilt of having someone love you so purely (or perhaps he idealized) and not loving in return was like a constant knife in my chest. Most people would say it is stupid to be affected by something so trivial, but it is something that greatly changed me. Anyway, I'll stop complaining since this isn't really my main point.

I'm also going to college in a month.

I feel so numb at times, I am so scared I've closed off something important. I've considered the fact I may be ISFP almost randomly but I don't know. I don't think I am depressed, but I feel like I'm losing something crucial and it scares the hell out of me -- when I can find the time and patience to care. I always need time to regroup after something happens and analyze it, but I feel like I haven't had the time to fully analyze everything that's happened to me. Is this characteristic of an INFP? I also sometimes go into my "fantasy world," but I've used it less this year. I am less emotional. Somehow, though, I feel myself crying while I write this, so I guess that's a good sign? Another thing I learned while I was depressed was that feeling an excess of emotion is better than feeling nothing at all. That is when things really get scary to me. I'm incredibly confused right now, really. I don't want to grow up to be my mother. I've openly called her shallow, and I can't see myself that way, ever. Am I just growing up?

Thanks to whoever reads this.

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pmj85

· #2 · Aug 2, 2010

I think you're going through something very natural to be honest. I felt almost exactly the same around that time (I have no idea what country you're in but I'm in the UK so leaving school / going to college I was 16 - 17). I've been through some very, very dark times and I found certain aspects of life incredibly hard... but you know what? I got through it and so will you

I mean, you've already got a headstart; you know you're an INFP! Imagine spending most of your life wondering why you felt like you didn't quite fit but having absolutely no idea why. I am now 24 years old (25 next month) and I only discovered the fact that I'm an INFP on Saturday!

All I can say is keep your chin up and trust that you'll get through it. I've said it before and I'll say it again; life is a learning process and you're in it for the long haul. Oh and don't beat yourself up for finding happiness with "stupid little things". Those stupid little things make the day by day so much more interesting and fun

Don't worry, you'll be fine.

Oh and as a final note, what they say about time being the best healer is true.

p.p.s don't call your mum shallow! Mums are bloody brilliant, show her more respect young lady! (at 16 I told my mum she makes my life "shit". I still regret it to this day

)

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starflower

· #3 · Aug 2, 2010

What you're going through sounds like what I was going through just before I left for college, also. There were so many emotions, so much fear, so much stress - if I didn't keep myself numb, I knew I would burst! If you have a few days to yourself, and a close friend you can trust, I would suggest letting the dam burst. It is better to have all that behind you, and be happy - to be yourself, then to be numb for who knows how long. Good luck to you!

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Rusalka

Discussion Starter · #4 · Aug 2, 2010

pmj85 said:
I mean, you've already got a headstart; you know you're an INFP! Imagine spending most of your life wondering why you felt like you didn't quite fit but having absolutely no idea why. I am now 24 years old (25 next month) and I only discovered the fact that I'm an INFP on Saturday!

I'm not even sure about that anymore. I've never been sure about my type, only that I'm probably INFX. I've gotten INXX consistently, though. Most of the time, INFJ. With my own research, I concluded I'm probably INFP. INFPs have the most trouble with self-identity, right? Damn flexibility. Heh.

pmj85 said:
Oh and as a final note, what they say about time being the best healer is true.

This is true. That's the reason I don't really want to analyze my situation. I remember telling someone that he should avoid a specific train of thought while the cut was still fresh in his memory (in relation to the thought) and just wait until the pain had faded enough to come back to it. That's kind of what I'm doing, but it feels like I'm at a complete standstill and just in purgatory, waiting for the wounds to heal to go back to being myself.

pmj85 said:
p.p.s don't call your mum shallow! Mums are bloody brilliant, show her more respect young lady! (at 16 I told my mum she makes my life "shit". I still regret it to this day )

Ehh it was in a joking way. I don't think she took it very seriously, nor does she care that much about my opinion.

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Ectoplasm

· #5 · Aug 2, 2010

Being an INFP teenager is really tough. If being an INFP is like spinning a plate on a stick at the best of times then being an INFP teenager is like doing that whilst in the back of a speeding pick up truck! Being a teenager is perhaps the greatest trial of a person's life and I think you are doing better than you think you are. You like so many others on this forum deserve a standing ovation instead of mere advice.

I think you're growing up but its kind of an unsteady peace you're in at the moment. The emotional storm in me died down in me over the past year and I like to think I'm over the emotional turmoil of my teenage years for good. Am I better now than I was? Possibly, possibly not. But I feel that I can decide for myself for my own reasons more these days. I think the numbness will subside, I suffer from mild depression and still find ways to smile and be optimistic at times.

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Rusalka

Discussion Starter · #6 · Aug 2, 2010

Ectoplasm said:
Being an INFP teenager is really tough. If being an INFP is like spinning a plate on a stick at the best of times then being an INFP teenager is like doing that whilst in the back of a speeding pick up truck! Being a teenager is perhaps the greatest trial of a person's life and I think you are doing better than you think you are. You like so many others on this forum deserve a standing ovation instead of mere advice.

Thank you. That makes me feel better about myself, even though I already loved being weird and INFP, which is why I was worried I was turning into an ISFP (somewhat more reality-based).

Ectoplasm said:
The emotional storm in me died down in me over the past year and I like to think I'm over the emotional turmoil of my teenage years for good.

There is an end to that? :tongue:

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pmj85

· #7 · Aug 2, 2010

Oh yes, there's an end all right

I laugh at how angry I was as a teenager. I was always at the gym and very aggressive about defending my ideals, throwing my weight around all the time. Now, minus all those bloody pesky hormones messing me up, I'm Mr Mellow

Being a teenager is hard. Really bloody hard. In fact I'm incredibly grateful those years are now far behind me - I'd rather face all the boring adult stuff than go through all that again!

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Rusalka

Discussion Starter · #8 · Aug 2, 2010

pmj85 said:
Oh yes, there's an end all right

I laugh at how angry I was as a teenager. I was always at the gym and very aggressive about defending my ideals, throwing my weight around all the time. Now, minus all those bloody pesky hormones messing me up, I'm Mr Mellow

Being a teenager is hard. Really bloody hard. In fact I'm incredibly grateful those years are now far behind me - I'd rather face all the boring adult stuff than go through all that again!

I guess part of it is I must be afraid of losing that anger and passion. I feel it is a part of who I am. I've almost always loved it.

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Angel1412kaitou

· #9 · Aug 2, 2010

I think I am going through something similar...well, what you posted is pretty much written almost exactly the way I would. I desperately wish that I can help you, but I'm not sure about the situation myself. I have tried doing things I would've enjoyed in the past, and it works, alhough aa bit limiting. Sorry, I'll finish this later.