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Hey there, haven't spoken in a while and just decided to chime in and say that...damn, this sounds like my ex-best friend who had anxiety and depression. I just learned today that she's being hospitalized at mental health places instead of going to school. Do you think narcissism would be more closely related to some mental health issues than others?
Hi, sorry just remembered you left a message (been on another world) but please next time leave the message as a private one that way I get a diff kind of notification that's easy to notice and remember.

Regarding your comment, that's sad, anxiety and depression are commonly found together and hard to solve, a close friend of mine is dealing with that (with therapy).

About narcissism... I don't know the answer to your question, what scares me is different to other issues, this one involves many people actually wanting to have children because they are needed on the sick cycle of things, that's quite terrible if you think about it.
 

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Hi, sorry just remembered you left a message (been on another world) but please next time leave the message as a private one that way I get a diff kind of notification that's easy to notice and remember.

Regarding your comment, that's sad, anxiety and depression are commonly found together and hard to solve, a close friend of mine is dealing with that (with therapy).

About narcissism... I don't know the answer to your question, what scares me is different to other issues, this one involves many people actually wanting to have children because they are needed on the sick cycle of things, that's quite terrible if you think about it.
Oh, i didn't want it to be a huge discussion, but since we've already covered similar topics i just wanted to know what you thought. I, on the other hand, am a bit lazy to wait for the computer to load up my DMs every time :p but if there's something super-long and heavy to be talked about, then yeah, let's DM.

I've thought about it many times and each time it's more terrible. There's this country i made at NationStates and it has this parental license policy where they test people for capacity to have kids before they're allowed to. It contrasts my nation's anarchy, but oh well, i really wanted parent licenses. You should try out that game and unleash some anger/grudges on fake citizens of your country, like i do. I really wish there was a simple way for the world to do parent testing.
 

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Oh, i didn't want it to be a huge discussion, but since we've already covered similar topics i just wanted to know what you thought. I, on the other hand, am a bit lazy to wait for the computer to load up my DMs every time :p but if there's something super-long and heavy to be talked about, then yeah, let's DM.

I've thought about it many times and each time it's more terrible. There's this country i made at NationStates and it has this parental license policy where they test people for capacity to have kids before they're allowed to. It contrasts my nation's anarchy, but oh well, i really wanted parent licenses. You should try out that game and unleash some anger/grudges on fake citizens of your country, like i do. I really wish there was a simple way for the world to do parent testing.
Thanks, I'm not familiar with that. It's been a long time since I don't find myself dealing with anger/grudges.

Anger? quite related to the thread topic. My mother is a narcissistic person, if you ask her she would say I was always angry. I remember many times when I dealt with diff situations with no anger, but later at my back she was telling all those stories of me being angry, violent, aggressive. It hurt me a lot and I confronted her, her immediate reaction was acting as if I was a violent person, she screamed, yelled a lot and manifested fear... fear? PANIC. That hurt me even more.

I could write long pages describing the situations. My response was becoming non-human (accidentally). I helped people who were mean to me, I don't know how to explain it in short but it's on my side to write a bit, and on your side to make some effort to see what I mean. I was soo noble, sooo kind, friends with everyone but yet she continued talking about me in negative ways. I explored my emotions for a long time, yes I felt angry, but mostly, for the vast majority of time I felt HURT, in pain, heartbroken.

Anything I did... didn't matter. It didn't matter that I exceeded what others did (positively) in her eyes I'm just an angry man who doesn't love her or loves nobody. During 13+ years at work (same big company) I scored above the top managing stress and keeping great (positive) humor during stressful times, was congratulated for being nice with peers during difficult times and keeping the spirits up. Tell that to my mother...

So my point here is I wasn't angry most of the time, I was sad, feeling I had no value. Some of those things happened when I was too young to know what to do about it.


Regarding the thread (but many already know it), narcissistic people will always try to bring you down, it's not positive at-all, specially if you are the lost boy or scapegoath. The golden child? poor people, they are treated the best but the worst comes later because they don't ever develop their personality.
 

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Thanks, I'm not familiar with that. It's been a long time since I don't find myself dealing with anger/grudges.

Anger? quite related to the thread topic. My mother is a narcissistic person, if you ask her she would say I was always angry. I remember many times when I dealt with diff situations with no anger, but later at my back she was telling all those stories of me being angry, violent, aggressive. It hurt me a lot and I confronted her, her immediate reaction was acting as if I was a violent person, she screamed, yelled a lot and manifested fear... fear? PANIC. That hurt me even more.

I could write long pages describing the situations. My response was becoming non-human (accidentally). I helped people who were mean to me, I don't know how to explain it in short but it's on my side to write a bit, and on your side to make some effort to see what I mean. I was soo noble, sooo kind, friends with everyone but yet she continued talking about me in negative ways. I explored my emotions for a long time, yes I felt angry, but mostly, for the vast majority of time I felt HURT, in pain, heartbroken.

Anything I did... didn't matter. It didn't matter that I exceeded what others did (positively) in her eyes I'm just an angry man who doesn't love her or loves nobody. During 13+ years at work (same big company) I scored above the top managing stress and keeping great (positive) humor during stressful times, was congratulated for being nice with peers during difficult times and keeping the spirits up. Tell that to my mother...

So my point here is I wasn't angry most of the time, I was sad, feeling I had no value. Some of those things happened when I was too young to know what to do about it.


Regarding the thread (but many already know it), narcissistic people will always try to bring you down, it's not positive at-all, specially if you are the lost boy or scapegoath. The golden child? poor people, they are treated the best but the worst comes later because they don't ever develop their personality.
I found nationstates to be a good outlet whenever i was feeling anything negative. Just unleash my unkindness on nonexistent people.

Yeah, i was always accused of different things by my mom and dad - ruining their reputation, making other people see me in certain ways, making people hate me, messing everything up, being completely unaware of reality and indulged in my imagination which was used as a criticism (weird since i'm the Se-dom), being not as good as before (who is fucked up enough to use that scale to judge their children?), etc.

During my early teen years i was just like how you were. Everybody knew that i was the selfless, sacrificing, sympathetic one, yet my parents kept calling me selfish. It was so painful, i feel you. They seem to project onto me of things they unconsciously see in themselves but don't admit it.

I was just like you! Everybody liked me although i only got a "courage" award, i sang "There You'll Be" for my 7th grade teacher at the end of the year and made half the school cry, i made a list of kind things i observed people do and read it to my class, i dedicated every waking moment to being kind to people and having fun with people, yet the comment from the higher-ups was always "okay, not good enough, you're still a selfish little bitch"

And about being too young, that's why irresponsible parents (not accepting that they're doing things wrongly) are the worst. It's one thing to hurt someone capable of understanding and retaliating/debating, but it's completely different to hurt a defenseless kid, especially one that looks up to you.
 

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I found nationstates to be a good outlet whenever i was feeling anything negative. Just unleash my unkindness on nonexistent people.

Yeah, i was always accused of different things by my mom and dad - ruining their reputation, making other people see me in certain ways, making people hate me, messing everything up, being completely unaware of reality and indulged in my imagination which was used as a criticism (weird since i'm the Se-dom), being not as good as before (who is fucked up enough to use that scale to judge their children?), etc.

During my early teen years i was just like how you were. Everybody knew that i was the selfless, sacrificing, sympathetic one, yet my parents kept calling me selfish. It was so painful, i feel you. They seem to project onto me of things they unconsciously see in themselves but don't admit it.

I was just like you! Everybody liked me although i only got a "courage" award, i sang "There You'll Be" for my 7th grade teacher at the end of the year and made half the school cry, i made a list of kind things i observed people do and read it to my class, i dedicated every waking moment to being kind to people and having fun with people, yet the comment from the higher-ups was always "okay, not good enough, you're still a selfish little bitch"

And about being too young, that's why irresponsible parents (not accepting that they're doing things wrongly) are the worst. It's one thing to hurt someone capable of understanding and retaliating/debating, but it's completely different to hurt a defenseless kid, especially one that looks up to you.
I can relate word by word. Such scars remain, I've been doing great changes in my life and most of all: changed friends, I avoid people who match such behavior. I read your post and still echoes in my head, great description of things, it is like you explain it here. In most cases people like us in this thread out perform others, isn't that ironic? feeling you don't but you actually do?
 

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I can relate word by word. Such scars remain, I've been doing great changes in my life and most of all: changed friends, I avoid people who match such behavior. I read your post and still echoes in my head, great description of things, it is like you explain it here. In most cases people like us in this thread out perform others, isn't that ironic? feeling you don't but you actually do?
YES, thanks for bringing that up, i think finding new people is definitely a way out of this torture. Do you believe that people who had "problems" in their childhood tend to meet and bond with "problematic" people? Almost every single close friend of mine has had a mental illness or a parental conflict of some sort. I'm not sure if i out-perform, but i feel like what i'm doing is more effective than what i think i'm doing.
 

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finding new people is definitely a way out of this torture.
Yes, it's like breathing, breath polluted air and you won't get any better, breath healthy air and you get better. A friend of mine is trying this but doing it wrong: she just jumps from people to people but she is not performing big changes on herself. New healthy friends also mean we have to make changes on us.


Do you believe that people who had "problems" in their childhood tend to meet and bond with "problematic" people?
You can find in psychology books and also take the chance to look at your long term friendships how this can actually be the case, many people do, I did, it's well explained to the extend some people actively believe "I don't deserve any better" or as someone here in this forum posted about therapy: "you can actually find solutions but it takes time to live a new life where you feel better when you are used to NOT feeling better". There are good films about this too.


Almost every single close friend of mine has had a mental illness or a parental conflict of some sort. I'm not sure if i out-perform, but i feel like what i'm doing is more effective than what i think i'm doing.
Over time I found out friends (close and long term friends) who match cases depicted in books, word by word but they believe they are ok. I also had friends confessing going to therapy, a few even KICKED OUT in the sense of "please, stop coming to therapy" due to their problems and lack of commitment. As a friend who is a psychologist said "some people don't welcome change, some don't want to be happy and many just expect to convince the therapist instead of looking beyond this". At the end of the day despite your friends or family problems we can learn new ways to live healthy and happily. Sounds easy right? we get used to some rituals and unhealthy dynamics, it takes time.
 

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Yes, it's like breathing, breath polluted air and you won't get any better, breath healthy air and you get better. A friend of mine is trying this but doing it wrong: she just jumps from people to people but she is not performing big changes on herself. New healthy friends also mean we have to make changes on us.
Good point, i think you've pinpointed a problem of mine there. Need to stop yelling at my friends...if i have any left lol

You can find in psychology books and also take the chance to look at your long term friendships how this can actually be the case, many people do, I did, it's well explained to the extend some people actively believe "I don't deserve any better" or as someone here in this forum posted about therapy: "you can actually find solutions but it takes time to live a new life where you feel better when you are used to NOT feeling better". There are good films about this too.
It's hard to truly feel better. I can't remember the last time i was "happy" (not stressed, not depressed most days) for more than 2 weeks.

Recommend me a book please!

Over time I found out friends (close and long term friends) who match cases depicted in books, word by word but they believe they are ok. I also had friends confessing going to therapy, a few even KICKED OUT in the sense of "please, stop coming to therapy" due to their problems and lack of commitment. As a friend who is a psychologist said "some people don't welcome change, some don't want to be happy and many just expect to convince the therapist instead of looking beyond this". At the end of the day despite your friends or family problems we can learn new ways to live healthy and happily. Sounds easy right? we get used to some rituals and unhealthy dynamics, it takes time.
It's like they think "i go to doctor, doctor fixes me, no prob", but it's not just an operation. here, the therapist's teaching you to heal yourself. Sometimes doctors will give you diets to follow, this is no different. It's the general attitude people approach mental health with, they think because they can't see it, it's not like physical health. If people really want to cure their mental illnesses, they need to treat it like colds and flus and dedicate themselves to getting better.
 

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Good point, i think you've pinpointed a problem of mine there. Need to stop yelling at my friends...if i have any left lol



It's hard to truly feel better. I can't remember the last time i was "happy" (not stressed, not depressed most days) for more than 2 weeks.

Recommend me a book please!



It's like they think "i go to doctor, doctor fixes me, no prob", but it's not just an operation. here, the therapist's teaching you to heal yourself. Sometimes doctors will give you diets to follow, this is no different. It's the general attitude people approach mental health with, they think because they can't see it, it's not like physical health. If people really want to cure their mental illnesses, they need to treat it like colds and flus and dedicate themselves to getting better.
Well I don't think yelling at anyone would make any positive outcome! about the doctor yes, the whole topic of self help, healing and therapy is complex, it's so easy to think someone getting help will move forward but it's not as easy as that. The amount of issues on those particular process can be very abundant (denial, compensation, refusing to change, feeling "your issues" are part of your identity or personality somehow, fear of change, thinking that change will destroy your "self" and you cannot live without it, fearing the new "me", or fearing the new challenges as in getting more used to living with broken people because that's a game you/we already know while moving forward will mean learning new systems) etc.

I will send you a PM.
 

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Well I don't think yelling at anyone would make any positive outcome! about the doctor yes, the whole topic of self help, healing and therapy is complex, it's so easy to think someone getting help will move forward but it's not as easy as that. The amount of issues on those particular process can be very abundant (denial, compensation, refusing to change, feeling "your issues" are part of your identity or personality somehow, fear of change, thinking that change will destroy your "self" and you cannot live without it, fearing the new "me", or fearing the new challenges as in getting more used to living with broken people because that's a game you/we already know while moving forward will mean learning new systems) etc.

I will send you a PM.
It's not that i yell at everyone all the time, but there are random outbursts. And it's frustrating because people usually relate better with others who express sadness or anxiety, not anger (especially girls). But i'm not that mean, haha. Only certain moments.
 

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- When did you first understand that your parent is/was a narcissist?
I knew something was wrong with my father out of the gate. Apparently I called him "vain" when I was four, lol. I was fourteen before enough was enough and I turned online for answers, discovering the disturbingly accurate term "narcissist".

- Do you believe that the experience impacted the type you became (MBTI, enneagram, etc).
Difficult to know. On one hand I suspect being a highly independent, thinking, withdrawn but naturally confident INTJ-A e5 actually helped mitigate the potential damage. Although still a painful experience, I think I did less of the 'it must be my fault' than children naturally do. My self esteem/self acceptance/self compassion is good. I had a strong sense of right/wrong and saw my father clearly for who he is (and rejected him in my own way, as much as a young child can).

On the other hand I do pause at the fact that I'm an "over achiever" (my codependent mother was a 'compliant over achiever' to my 'responsibility denier' father). I'm left wondering if that's due to my "triple competent" tritype (513) or from getting within the gravitational field of a narcissist and learning hyper self control/responsibility early on. Not that I care -- "issue" or coincidence, I like that about myself and I won't be "over achieving" for any narcissist.

- How did it impact your relationships as an adult?
Still working on becoming an adult (I'm 17). I'm going to be okay. I know how to spot them, I've made myself promises about self care and never to be passive with a man. I'm only interested in men who have integrity, the ability to love and are responsible anyway ('bad boy' attraction is just silly to me). I've managed to end things quickly that are 'off' in some way and keep things going when they're healthy/right. I don't feel as though my ability to bond or emotionally connect or trust has been impaired (I behave like other e5 SX dominants typically do).

My heart goes out to children of narcissists who learn about this stuff later in life, after they've replayed the same abusive dynamic that feels 'normal' to them, repeatedly. I wish there was more awareness.

- Did you resolve your personal issues that stemmed from growing up with a narcissist parent and is you feel you have, how?
Learning about narcissists and gaining mastery over the situation quickly was what resolved it for me. I also learned to switch back on my innate vibe/emotional reading system which had been forced off as a child. It's immensely useful for detecting something 'off' about a 'creepy' or similar person. I also read a ton about positive/healthy relationships, to learn/reset what to view/accept as 'normal' and I gave what I want (and will not accept) in relationships a lot of thought too. I don't see myself having a problem sticking to it.

- What were/are your personal coping mechanisms?
Financial independence, avoidance and learning. Being 'smart' about it. Facing the fear/problem head on. Not allowing it to affect me emotionally beyond dealing with the sense of loss & grief that I never had a normal father. Moving out of home as early as was practical. Cutting off communication. Checking in with a reputable therapist who specializes in children of narcissists (just to be sure everything is okay). Staying mindful of healthy boundaries generally, choose to feel angry when people try to take advantage/invade them (and note any 'responsibility deniers'). Staying at a healthy balance of acknowledging the truth of the situation ('victim') while being proactive (exercise as much control as possible -- 'not a victim' more than necessary, especially after age 18).

- What are the positive things that have come from the way you grew up?
Strength, endurance especially. My value for responsibility etched in gold. Forced to think through many moral/philosophical things like; "should control + responsibility match?" Learning early in life how to take care of myself. A massive forewarning there are 'bad' people and not to have your life ruined by marrying one. My interest in psychology generally grew out of the time I was looking up narcissists, which many good things have stemmed from. I suspect the colors of life are a little brighter for me, I'm a little more grateful, with things being relative and having seen the darker side to life so early.
 

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I posted on this thread a couple of years ago, and now that I have become more self aware I think it would be good to do this again

-When did you first understand that your parent is/was a narcissist?
I could have figured it out when I was 7/8 if I was into psychology then, but started using the term narcissist and becoming comfortable with the idea that my father could have npd when I entered middle school. There was always something really off about my fathers behavior and how others interacted with him, and there were some events during my childhood that were tell tale. I truly affirmed that it was npd when I started going to a psychologist ( and my mother did too, although later on).

- Do you believe that the experience impacted the type you became (MBTI, enneagram, etc).
It definitely impacted my personality as a whole, which probably implies that my mbti/enneagram was effected as well. It's not as though ENFP 1w9 sp/so is a particularly healthy combination anyhow. For unhealthy traits I'm pretty repressed as an individual and have an excessive amount of self control and rigidness. I'm also pretty quick to discount my own needs and ignore my own desires just because everyone else's seems more worthwhile. Both fit 1 core quite well. Being that me and my father share the same mbti type and have similarities I guess, it makes sense that I would deny myself the way that I do and lack trust in myself and my actions. The 9 wing is definitely from mitigating aggression and trying to minimize my own presence, as I was far more aggressive when I was younger.

- How did it impact your relationships as an adult?
Technically I only became a legal adult a year ago, but frankly I struggle to maintain or even create comfortable relationships, both due to a general lack of desire for super intimate relationships and a lack of understanding of people as a whole. Since I focused a lot of figuring out what my father's triggers were and what he required in order to get him to behave, my dealings with people has become somewhat mechanical. It's difficult to bring things into more intimate levels on the rare occasion that I have that desire. I have pretty severe social anxiety which makes things more difficult to a degree. I have very little desire to attach myself to things .

- Did you resolve your personal issues that stemmed from growing up with a narcissist parent and is you feel you have, how?
Lol no, but at least I'm aware of them now.

- What were/are your personal coping mechanisms?
Research, detachment, and manipulation. I've always been a researcher by nature, and I tend to deal with problematic situations when I know why or what's going on. Knowledge is power after all. Learning the nature of the disorder, it became a bit easier to accept that there was no changing him and that there was a problem. Knowing how the disorder functioned helped me to manipulate my own situation and minimize exposure and also helped me to help and affirm my family with what they were going through.

Unfortunately manipulation also worked well for me to combat the situation, but ended up being a more toxic coping method in the end.

- What are the positive things that have come from the way you grew up
Well, I'm a really quick study now, I can learn on my own and am motivated to do that. My personality has also become somewhat relaxing to others, naturally aggression-settling which is nice to have. Being naturally detached and having an easy time understanding others isn't a bad thing to have developed either.
 

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To be frankly honest, I've never related with the whole "how my parents are affects me" nonsense. Granted it probably doesn't help that I'm a masculine dominant male, who had no father. I'm sure that makes independence a very natural and innate trait for my personality. But I think that the point ultimately is, how your parent's behavior affects you is /nurture/. Which is ultimately purely psychological, rather than genetic and physiological. So basically, there's no reason to think it's not a mind over matter thing.

It's just more obvious to myself, because I've been less co-dependent by design. I feel like this whole ordeal of whining about how your parents treated you, is a very new aged and modern idea that stems from the oversensitivity and overpampering of our current times. People in the past knew, and learned the hard way, that you are your own person. Your parents do not make you who you are.
 

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I think I'm still trying to wrap my head around how to, for lack of a better word, "deal" with my mother. My whole life I've been her care giver & so she expects me to never have a life of my own. The reason I know that, is because she told my sister as much. So anyway, whenever my mom perceives that a guy is interested in me, she tries to do her best to make it known that she's not having it.

A few months ago we were at our Sunday worship & an old friend, ex-co-worker was visiting. He's a tall, handsome, charismatic man, & he came over to hug me, so we started talking. I could see my mom glaring from the corner of my eye. She doesn't know this, but he's gay, so obviously I'm not his type. :laughing:
Anyway later on she came over to "break us up" because we were having too much fun. And my friend being the sweetest, guy ever, starts talking to her & teaching her sign language, he's a professor, & so she didn't know what to do after that. I stood back & laughed a little because her plan backfired. I can't understand why she doesn't want me to be happy, she never acted like that with my siblings.
 

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I think I'm still trying to wrap my head around how to, for lack of a better word, "deal" with my mother. My whole life I've been her care giver & so she expects me to never have a life of my own. The reason I know that, is because she told my sister as much. So anyway, whenever my mom perceives that a guy is interested in me, she tries to do her best to make it known that she's not having it.

A few months ago we were at our Sunday worship & an old friend, ex-co-worker was visiting. He's a tall, handsome, charismatic man, & he came over to hug me, so we started talking. I could see my mom glaring from the corner of my eye. She doesn't know this, but he's gay, so obviously I'm not his type. :laughing:
Anyway later on she came over to "break us up" because we were having too much fun. And my friend being the sweetest, guy ever, starts talking to her & teaching her sign language, he's a professor, & so she didn't know what to do after that. I stood back & laughed a little because her plan backfired. I can't understand why she doesn't want me to be happy, she never acted like that with my siblings.
I was about to mention this thread on your other thread. My mother is narcissist and I have read lots about this, talked to lots of people, a friend (psychology) opened the door in many ways on this. Anyway, even while talking can give clues I don't just jump right at it saying "hey, narcissist over there" but I wait to know more and perhaps confirm something, but mostly suggesting people to consider the possibility of having a narcissist around.

Reading your post here I notice you are already on this, exploring and spotting (guess that's the world) meaning you are already identifying a person as a narcissist.

I can't understand why she doesn't want me to be happy, she never acted like that with my siblings.
That's the classic question, the dilemma, the mystery to solve.

I know the question is in general, and I don't know the answer. I now that feeling, I know what's like asking yourself that question. You are not asking me about this personally but I want to share it in general in this thread:

I've been very kind, a good son, etc, and received indifference and rejection in many ways. My sister can't equal my caring, she can't even get to 25% of what I used to do for my mother, being good and king is totally out of the question here and confirmed by many people in my family. YET... some people have suggested that the past experience of my mother (failed marriage) can be related, after all my father is a man, I'm a man (I'm nothing like my father) but my physical appearance is here, so this can be a clue to her rejection, unsolved traumas of her. Anything good I can do is lost whenever she remembers my father just by looking at me.


I had a relationship with a widow (long story) she rejected her child and it wasn't as obvious and as easy to spot as most can think of. Long story short: she confessed to me, the physical similarities between her daughter and the ex husband (not dead) was a reason triggering instant rejection on her, making her remember all the pain she suffered at his side.

A difference must be made regarding narcissists: you can't believe everything they said, my mother says I'm evil (then denies it) and can't prove a single thing about my evilness (because it doesn't exist), the reason I'm saying this is all the horror stories about my father. Guess what? the horror stories happened ALONE (just the two of them together), just like MY horror stories. See it? there are no witnesses of her horror stories. My father was an alcoholic, but now that I'm a adult I can remember the many times he could have created violence (that's what violent people do) and he didn't, he wasn't the best dad and he was an alcoholic but he wasn't violent and I do remember this.

So in general, I'm curious about how many people were rejected (or received indifference) in this context of narcissist parents, and actually have physical similarities to the "bad parent" who supposedly hurt the narcissist parent. I know most cases, there is not a single personality similarity, because after all it's common in narcissist cases, the narcissist parent uses such persona to punish you "you are just like your father" and thus you grow making great efforts to be nothing like that person.
 

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@changos I understand what you mean, looking like your father, was a trigger for your mother, to mistreat you, which is not fair. I think with a narcissistic person, they will always find an "excuse" to mistreat, those they want to control.

My parents are still married. My mother is the narcissist, she has Bipolar disorder. My role in the family has always been to serve, & care for everyone else. My parents were never affectionate with me, verbally, or physically. However, they are verbally affectionate with my younger siblings. For instance, as I mentioned before, they would call me by the shortened version of my name, & my father would also call me gorda, once in awhile. They refer to my sister as bonita, & my brother, as mijito. They were both spoiled by my parents, but that was never my role in the family. As the oldest at home, I took on the responsibility to care for the household at a young age. As you know, we will never be good enough for our mothers, but I feel sorry for them. I don't hate her, but I do have some resentment towards my father, because he was absent a lot.
 

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@changos I understand what you mean, looking like your father, was a trigger for your mother, to mistreat you, which is not fair. I think with a narcissistic person, they will always find an "excuse" to mistreat, those they want to control.
Exactly. And... Wise words: there will always find an excuse, and yes, it's always about them wanting to have some control over your emotions (and always based on something negative, pain, etc).

My parents are still married. My mother is the narcissist, she has Bipolar disorder. My role in the family has always been to serve, & care for everyone else. My parents were never affectionate with me, verbally, or physically. However, they are verbally affectionate with my younger siblings. For instance, as I mentioned before, they would call me by the shortened version of my name, & my father would also call me gorda, once in awhile. They refer to my sister as bonita, & my brother, as mijito. They were both spoiled by my parents, but that was never my role in the family. As the oldest at home, I took on the responsibility to care for the household at a young age. As you know, we will never be good enough for our mothers, but I feel sorry for them. I don't hate her, but I do have some resentment towards my father, because he was absent a lot.
I understand, completely, every single word you wrote here rings a bell. Gorda... yes I understand the cultural references etc etc but gorda it's not appropriate, there is no comparison with the other references. One of the things I dislike the most from narcissist is exactly this, the use of ambiguity, they can tell you all kinds of SHIT and if questioned they will build all sorts of positive explanations (made up) instead of just telling you "my dear" or "your name" whatever. It's something hurtful they use to play as "good" or "nice" when it's not. They are always on the thin line, that's quite bad (and quite consistent as a red flag).

Damn, it's the classic story, word by word, that's too bad, hope things get better.

I'm no professional on this I'm also on the same spot as you. Reading the stories on this thread helped me to come out from my denial that "my family was normal" yes I knew things were bad (specially towards myself). Talking to a friend (psychologist) helped me a lot. I read with sadness that bit "We will never be good enough" so true, it's the most accurate description of the events. And I understand you are a caregiver and you had big responsibilities since young age.

I also believe you, you don't hate her. It's amazing. On my journey at first some people didn't believe the facts, then some had the chance to see some "shit", then they ask me why is it that I don't hate them, because (they say) "I would". Interesting, good for you having such noble integrity, but yes I know, not hating doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I understand about your father, I don't know what to say, mine went away and there is a lot of possibilities on being best to have one there (regardless of his attitudes) or gone, it depends on you. I guess the difference is, gone = you can only discuss he is gone. There? you are exposed to bad attitudes like indifference, like doing nothing in the presence of the issues (or being part of them).

I really don't know your situation (I mean more details on how and where you are) but the usual first step is getting out of there. IT helps, it's not abandoning your family, it's not evasion or running away, it's the first step to stop the unhealthy living. Every minute living with someone calling you gorda, is one LESS minute living with someone calling you "your name" or something else (like a loving made up name).

Other than that I'm taking the risk of saying this: you had great responsibilities, other people. Now is your turn (taking full control of yourself and stop caring about others), you first. Trust me it takes a while, I bet you are very, very kind and human to everyone, always thinking of everyone at the table. It takes time to make yourself think about yourself as mostly everyone does about themselves.

Some people decide to stay, anyway get some help if you can (someone to talk to, constant readings, build cognitive barriers and learn again the limits, that's also cognitive learning because what we learned is wrong). And if you can leave, leave, move out, as long as this doesn't make your life more difficult, leave when it's best for you. I don't know about other people around here, but I do believe there will always be need for a confrontation, I'm not talking about a fight, I'm talking about a physical moment where person A tells person B "you don't treat me right and I don't hate you but I have to ABCDE". I've seen this in movies (based on real life experiences) And I've seen this on books, literature, etc. Also from testimonials, it's more about YOU saying it for your own sake and hearing it yourself than actually telling this to X for this person to change (it's not about them, it's about you). At some point what you think and new learning has to come out from your mouth, it's part of your healing (verbalizing the change).
 

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This thread was created after reading a post by @Bear987 in the You thread. Shows up that we have some similar experiences growing up with a narcissist parent and that it, obviously, impacted us greatly as persons.

Bear987 and I did discuss which forum would be the appropriate one to post this thread in and decided on S&R, because growing up in a dysfunctional family tends to have a large impact on all your future relationships.
We were specifically interested in hearing from people growing up under similar circumstances and how you think that your parent’s narcissism impacted who you are today.
For example:
- When did you first understand that your parent is/was a narcissist?
- Do you believe that the experience impacted the type you became (MBTI, enneagram, etc).
- How did it impact your relationships as an adult?
- Did you resolve your personal issues that stemmed from growing up with a narcissist parent and is you feel you have, how?
Edited to add:
- What were/are your personal coping mechanisms?
- What are the positive things that have come from the way you grew up?

This thread is intended as a sort of support group for children of narcissist parents AND any other type of emotionally absent parent scenario, where we can share thoughts, experiences and tips about how to move forward. If it seems to be needed, I can ask the mods to make it sticky later on.

There have been a couple of similar threads posted in the past, but they have not been discussing the issue on a broader scale.
Former threads are
The Narcissistic Parent and romantic relationship by @Myoho Traveller
Narcissistic Mother, Enabling Father by @superbundle
Does being raised by narcissistic parent affect behavior? by @Babieca

Did I forget anything @Bear987?

I can call on people I know have been affected, but this topic may be a little bit personal and sensitive to many of us.

I grew with up a narcissistic Mother and had no idea my whole life until recently. Just thought maybe she was an unhappy person and her parents died at a young age.
I was also abused and have issues with trust people in general. I totally believe it impacted my personality in some ways. I'm an INFJ and Enneagram 6w5.
My emotions and voice was surpressed as my boundaries were pushed. As a child, I was sad, emotional and crying for help. I acted like a victim.

It's difficult to maintain relationships with people just because my door slowly opens and some just don't say long enough or can't handle me sometimes. I'm always joyful as others, which I understand it's not that welcoming. I use to not think about it. I was lying to myself and being in denial. Being happy all the time but that's not the authentic me. I'm still working on myself and admit what I went through is traumatizing and that it's not okay.

Even though with all that, I never allowed it to stop me from doing what I need to do in life. I take things a little bit at a time. Found journaling helps and finding myself really helps. Interestly, it really didn't get to me until I got older. All of a sudden I realized I had unsolved issues within me and I had to work through them. That's why I'm here to learn more about myself. I am aware of the things I need to work on.

Positive gain I was able to harnest the energy and turned into a positive. I didn't feel like I was a victim to anything or refused to be. Made me a stronger person and gave me more life skills because I had to grow up fast and think on my feet to survive. I've accepted it and forgive my Mom for all she's done and we have a great relationship now. Learned how to establish clear boundaries. I learned no matter what circumstance with faith and preseverance, I can be, do or have anything I want.
 

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