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We did another trip to the ER last week with my mother. I think she makes herself sick on purpose. She refuses to follow her diet, take her pills as prescribed, & doesn't listen to any helpful advice, or direction. :frustrating: After they processed her blood work, & checked her vitals, she was fine. Her BP went down, & the doctor said, she just needed to follow orders. Easier said than done, with her.

Of course, she proceeded to blame me, for who knows what. I don't even hear the complaints anymore. My friend just started laughing in disbelief, & defended me, saying that I was just trying to help her (mother). My friend says, "she blames you for everything!" Yeah, I said, but at least those who know us, know, it's not true.

I roll my eyes, when she yells out accusations, in front of strangers, because they just see a defenseless little old lady. Example, we were in a public place, surrounded by strangers, she slipped on something, fell backwards, & I was able to catch her from behind, before she hit the floor. I'm standing there with my arms underneath, her armpits, & her head resting on my front shoulder, as I'm trying to brace her. And she yells out, "SHE PUSHED ME!" Everyone turned, & looked at me, like I was this evil witch. I was like, wait what?! :shocked: Thinking to myself, "how can I push her, & catch her, at the same time? It's physically impossible!" Thankfully, some friends of ours were sitting a few rows away, & saw the whole thing unfold. I swear, one of these days, she's going to get me arrested. :laughing:

Last week my dad says, "I really like so-and-so,because she's always in a good mood, & she's fun!" I said, "do you mean, so-and-so, my sister?" He said, "yes!" I laughed, & said, "oh, you made it sound, like it was somebody else." My mom, my oldest sister, & my youngest sister, are all very much alike, happy-go-lucky personalities, with no care in the world. I wish I could be that way. I'm stuck being the responsible, caregiver, who has to be serious, & at times stern with my parents. I'm definitely, not the fun one! :dry:

Edit: Don't mind me, just venting!
 

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Some days are better than others. Today my mother told a family of acquaintances that I don't let her use a walker. Of course they were sympathetic, & told her she should use it, if she needs to. Which of course is a lie, I never told her she shouldn't use one. I just explained to her why she doesn't need it. When I take her anywhere I always have to ask her to slow down because she walks at a record speed. :laughing: On our last 2 trips this year, she was running at the airport, for no reason, I asked her to stop so she wouldn't fall down. One of our friends ran after her, so she wouldn't get herself lost. :dry: I'm really sick of always being the bad guy! :frustrating:
 

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Some days are better than others. Today my mother told a family of acquaintances that I don't let her use a walker. Of course they were sympathetic, & told her she should use it, if she needs to. Which of course is a lie, I never told her she shouldn't use one. I just explained to her why she doesn't need it. When I take her anywhere I always have to ask her to slow down because she walks at a record speed. :laughing: On our last 2 trips this year, she was running at the airport, for no reason, I asked her to stop so she wouldn't fall down. One of our friends ran after her, so she wouldn't get herself lost. :dry: I'm really sick of always being the bad guy! :frustrating:
She's wearing you down. You're going to have to stop caring and view her as an object.
 

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It's been a while since I visited this thread
I was lucky when my mother disowned me at 18.
That's sad (I guess), but in terms of narcs-relatives it's a way to show control over people (mentioned in the video below) "do this or don't do that, otherwise I will disown you". That's not a good attitude.

My case: lots of threats, specially that nobody will love me (explained in this thread somehow) but hey I'm the scapegoat (psychology literature in this context). The curious thing is I'm the only one who has friends :) even exGF have good memories of my (me of them as well), I kept contact with people from my past. On the other hand my mother (my uncle) and my sister have no friends, people leave the moment they see their attitudes. Sorry if that sounds off topic, what I meant is my mother didn't use material threats, she used emotional ones, but life shows how wrong she was. I left home leaving lots of my stuff behind (even expensive stuff) but I don't care, I came back only a few times.

When there was people at the house: she was nice
When she was alone: she threatened me and attacked me
Oh yes they match the book chapter by chapter.

I remember one time when a dear friend went with me but my mother wasn't aware of her presence. She was rude, indifferent, manipulative. Then my friend talked and showed up, she was surprised but it was too late.

Some days are better than others. Today my mother told a family of acquaintances that I don't let her use a walker. Of course they were sympathetic, & told her she should use it, if she needs to. Which of course is a lie, I never told her she shouldn't use one. I just explained to her why she doesn't need it. When I take her anywhere I always have to ask her to slow down because she walks at a record speed
That's sad... and brings memories back to me. I experienced the same. She would behave differently with other people while with me, she would wear me down just like @Mick Travis says, everything was difficult and everything needed help, I provided it and just like you: that didn't matter.

She's wearing you down. You're going to have to stop caring and view her as an object.
Yes, exactly. That in terms of "you" so this doesn't hurt you and doesn't affect you. You have to accept (also) she behaves this way only with you. Oh my mother was constantly talking about death and guilt, how people will regret this and that, how people should behave because one day you never know!!! all about threats. Many points were valid, but as usual in abuse relationships it's a matter of connecting the dots and you see the dynamics.

This video covers a lot of the dynamics, specially the "disown you"


 

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How did I not see this thread before? My mother is a narcissist. She's not an evil person, but she should never have become a parent. She's not cut out for it. She is emotionally abusive, and in the past was physically abusive as well. Nothing is ever her fault, she is always the victim. I truly do not think that she is this way consciously, which makes it even more frustrating. We have very little contact nowadays.

I don't know how it affected me "typologically" or anything. Growing up in that kind of environment might be why I'm a 6? Maybe? It's a stretch. It's not like all children of narcissists become 6s or anything. But I grew up never being able to trust my own parents, being hurt by the people who were supposed to protect me, so it makes sense that I now seek a reliable source of authority that I can give my loyalty and trust to.

I didn't realize that she was a narcissist until I was an adult and had moved away from her, and had the clarity to see her actions and behaviors and how the kind of shit she did was just not okay in any world or situation, and how it wasn't normal. Growing up, I thought all of that was NORMAL. When I got away from her, I realized that it definitely, definitely isn't.

Because of the environment I grew up in, though, I was forced to cultivate my willpower. As a result, I have an extremely strong will, moreso than the majority of people. That's one of the only positive things I am willing to brag about myself. As for the negatives, well, the list could go on forever. It definitely fucked me up in a lot of ways. I've recovered a lot, but there are some things I don't know if I can ever get past. To try and summarize them as shortly as possible, I have social anxiety (it's gotten significantly better, but I still have a hard time truly connecting with people), generalized anxiety disorder, depression (it comes and goes), and a mess of other emotional issues that I try my best to untangle without bothering anyone.

It's hard, because people don't understand. They just weren't raised like that. They don't understand why I can't just make amends, forgive her, and move on. People who have never been the victim of a narcissist should just keep their mouths shut when it comes to how we handle our relationships with our abusers, honestly. They have no idea what it was like. They had normal childhoods, loving and supportive parents--or at the very least, parents that weren't manipulative and abusive. It's highly offensive when someone tries to tell me their opinion on how I should handle my relationship with my narcissistic mother when they have never been the victim of a narcissistic parent themselves.
 

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How did I not see this thread before? My mother is a narcissist. She's not an evil person, but she should never have become a parent. She's not cut out for it. She is emotionally abusive, and in the past was physically abusive as well. Nothing is ever her fault, she is always the victim. I truly do not think that she is this way consciously, which makes it even more frustrating. We have very little contact nowadays.

I don't know how it affected me "typologically" or anything. Growing up in that kind of environment might be why I'm a 6? Maybe? It's a stretch. It's not like all children of narcissists become 6s or anything. But I grew up never being able to trust my own parents, being hurt by the people who were supposed to protect me, so it makes sense that I now seek a reliable source of authority that I can give my loyalty and trust to.

I didn't realize that she was a narcissist until I was an adult and had moved away from her, and had the clarity to see her actions and behaviors and how the kind of shit she did was just not okay in any world or situation, and how it wasn't normal. Growing up, I thought all of that was NORMAL. When I got away from her, I realized that it definitely, definitely isn't.

Because of the environment I grew up in, though, I was forced to cultivate my willpower. As a result, I have an extremely strong will, moreso than the majority of people. That's one of the only positive things I am willing to brag about myself. As for the negatives, well, the list could go on forever. It definitely fucked me up in a lot of ways. I've recovered a lot, but there are some things I don't know if I can ever get past. To try and summarize them as shortly as possible, I have social anxiety (it's gotten significantly better, but I still have a hard time truly connecting with people), generalized anxiety disorder, depression (it comes and goes), and a mess of other emotional issues that I try my best to untangle without bothering anyone.

It's hard, because people don't understand. They just weren't raised like that. They don't understand why I can't just make amends, forgive her, and move on. People who have never been the victim of a narcissist should just keep their mouths shut when it comes to how we handle our relationships with our abusers, honestly. They have no idea what it was like. They had normal childhoods, loving and supportive parents--or at the very least, parents that weren't manipulative and abusive. It's highly offensive when someone tries to tell me their opinion on how I should handle my relationship with my narcissistic mother when they have never been the victim of a narcissistic parent themselves.
Welcome. Yes you are right on every... every paragraph. There is a lot of willpower involved, most people who didn't experience this don't understand it, some call themselves fighters or survivors, what they don't understand is when you grow up inside a narc family: you are a survivor from young age. There is a lot to say, your words are gold here: if people don't understand they should keep their mouth shut, or at least ask questions instead of just stating their wrong assumptions.

And true, most of us realize many things when we leave them, things look damn more clearer then.
 

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I went out to have lunch with my sister yesterday, and she told me how her last visit at our parents' went. Apparently our father has spent those three days gaslighting the shit out of everyone around him. We had doubts about him being a narcissist, or at least I had, but now for me it pretty much confirms it. This time it was not just manipulation (there was, don't get me wrong), he also said some pretty hurtful shit, apparently directed at our mother, but affecting the whole family on her side. I can see why our mother is not leaving, although I find it hard to justify, but I definitely do not understand why she still tries to have a functional family dynamic that includes him. She doesn't realize that he will fuck this dynamic up.

It went decently well the last time I visited them, but there it was too much, now my sister do not want him in her life. She'll still visit our mother, but will mainly ignore our father besides saying "hello" and "goodbye". I am not at that point yet, but he's on a veeeeery fine line, and I will need him to fucking behave when I'm around. I still have books at their place so I'm trying to keep it cool as much as possible, because I don't know if he would get rid of them or not.
 
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