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Discussion Starter #1
I am curious to how many INFJs tend to hold grudges against others or at least resent them for a long time.

In other topics, I have seen people bring up how stubborn INFJs tend to be since we supposedly have the tendency to think we are right all the time even without all the hard facts in place. We also tend to pass judgement onto others and stick to that judgement. For example, once we spot a liar, we will most likely always believe that person to be a liar. And probably like a bunch of other types, we have trust issues.

So, would it follow that we have a tendency to hold grudges against others? Do you personally tend to hold grudges against others, and if so what kind of grudges?

Personally, I don't hold grudges against people. I don't let one instance ruin a friendship forever because I know that one instance doesn't define either me or the other person. Of course, if someone is constantly acting like an ass, then he's an ass and I probably won't deal with him too much. But, I will easily act like there is no tension between us when talking with the person. I could hate someone with all my heart, but I would act just as sweetly towards them as anyone else. (Well, that's when I can actually keep my snippety tongue in place. I rather enjoy using double entendres and moreover sarcasm than anything else, so they usually don't even know when I am in fact being mean to them.)

Does anyone else do this?

Though, I also remember reading somewhere that INFJs do have the tendency to forgive others a lot, or at least we have the tendency to assume something is our fault even when the other person is acting completely out of line. And, I am referring to a particular quote, a well-known one. I am sure most of you know it if you have hung around this place long enough. I am simply forgot how it goes.

So, we don't hold grudges after all?

I am pretty much still learning about the type (and other types for that matter), so any input would help a lot.
 

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Depends a lot on the character of the other person for me - If feel that the person has some humility and values then I can forgive a hell of a lot even if I don't like them very much. For arrogant a$%^holes there isn't much chance........
 

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I don't hold grudges mainly because I can't remember what I should be grudging about.

I'm pretty sure if someone said something hurtful to me I would resent it at that moment. But the next day I would have no recollection of why I felt a grudge towards that person and end up forgiving them.
 

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What is...to hold a grudge? a term not too familiar if you ever met me. It just takes too much useless energy to hold a grudge. Sure ill be a bit mad with you for a day or too but hold a grudge? not really. you just lost some fine infj trust from me and you just have to build it back up
 

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How about this.... You ask if we or I hold grudges. That's too much energy wasted on ourself. How about if we can turn it around. Lets say example,

If there is a particular individual that does things that we do not agree with. Example, treats you in a negative way, disrespectful to you, embarass you, does certain things when you asked them not too, etc anything that can make you feel uneasy or uncomfortable around the individual.

I've learn to continuously try to accept that person to be that way. I cannot change them. I can only change myself. I've learn to accept and deal with them or move on. It's a choice and a learning process to how to handle situations like this. The reason being, holding grudges or resentments takes too much energy over us and it becomes absolutely useless. It brings us down and takes away the best in us. It drains our positive quality traits that we have in us, when we could channel those positive traits for a greater purpose.

As we grow, and through our own personal experiences, we'll learn to grow out of grudges and handle these situations better. You'll understand that grudges are just wasted space in our head when we can throw them away, and use our minds and replace it for something better.

I hope that helped you and made sense. If not, pay no attention.


Sincerely,
Johnny
 

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Nope. Not prone to grudges.

However, if I feel a person is 'evil' I will actively write them off forever.

Strangely, it's not really a grudge, because I don't feel ill-will after doing it. I just know I'm better off not associating with this person anymore.

Famous INFJ doorslam. But again, I don't think it's the same as a grudge.
 

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I can see why some might think INFJs hold grudges easily. We're notorious for our "doorslamming" tendencies with our offenders. This perception is further strengthened by the immature and poorly developed INFJs doorslamming every little thing that someone does towards them (people who encounter the bad or dud INFJs assume that the rest of us do the same thing). With their ridiculously high expectations (I'm guilty of this), nobody can match up, and instead of confronting the issue directly, their Fe prevents any addression of the issue in fear of "hurting too many feelings". The mental clipboards begin to rack up the points until the final point "breaks the camel's back," resulting in the cutting off of any relations. The offender is left scratching his or her head saying, "What on earth did I do?!" Clear communication would have cleard the air, but underdeveloped Fe deems any conversation that flirts with the edge of offense as too dangerous.

Ni dominants have difficulty reacting to the unexpected. Since Ni looks for patterns to be projected into the future, any curve ball thrown into Ni's vision would be the equivilant of someone smacking you over the head with a heavy object; you're left with a dazed and confused mind. When a "curve ball" is encountered, The INXJ will retreat for time to analyze and reflect. I've had a few friends whom I thought I knew very well. My associations and conclusions arrived at from said associations with them would be added to their mental frameworks created in my mind. However, every once in a while something they would say or do would catch me completely off guard. My immediate reaction was to freeze. I didn't know how to process this new insight, as it caused my Ni to readjust its mental framework created; like finding a crack in the foundation of a large building, requiring time to assess the problem. The nasty side effect was the inability to hang around these people. Any contact, encounter or communication felt strained, forced and unnatural. Mixed signals and red flags would be thrown by me towards them. I couldn't help it. Once I figure everything out, fix the problem in my framework's "foundation", I can resume interactions.

Now the problem is this: INFJs are known for their trust in Ni. Ni, as much as I hate to admit it, can't predict everything. When a "curve ball" hits me, I yo-yo between trying to process the new data and maintaining the social harmony my Fe forces me to uphold. My expectations of those close to me, high and picky, are shattered bit by bit, piece by piece. Ni, alarmed by the cracks, begins searching for more, all the while fueling the hermit behavior I fall back on when I have to process. Ni screams to pull back and assess, Fe screams to "fake it" and pretend like nothing is wrong for harmony's sake. The pull becomes too much. I can't take that much strain. The camel snaps and my survivalistic tendencies push me to run, i.e. doorslam. Once doors are shut, they are difficult to open again. Ni would have to readjust its perspective for the door to open. Introverted perceiving functions can be quite rigid and stubborn. The inability to "let go of grudges and faults" people notice about INFJs is just Ni clinging to the conclusions it has arrived it; it's not changing its mind for anything. Ni doesn't like to.

Now, granted, everyone can hold grudges for one reason or another, but INFJs' grudges are the result of stubborn Ni. Generally the problem goes away with age since the older we become, the more developed our other functions become.

The mature and developed INFJs can't hold grudges easily because they have realized their idealistic expectations aren't fair, their Ni isn't as all knowing as previously thought and their developed Fe allows clear communication, realizing that the only way to fix some problems is to address them head on, regardless of feelings that may be hurt.

That's my take on it anyway.
 

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It takes a whole lot, but if I'm really deeply hurt by someone, it takes a long time for me to forgive. But I'm generous with chances; it's the people who continually hurt me that I have trouble forgiving.
 

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Nope, no grudge holding here. I forgive easily enough, because I understand easily enough. If one were to keep hurting me constantly, I just walk away. If I by chance run into that one again, I would act cordial...how are you kind of thing, and then go on. I don't let them get under my skin anymore. I wish them no ill will. I live my life, and they live theirs. Simple.
 

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Nope, no grudge holding here. I forgive easily enough, because I understand easily enough. If one were to keep hurting me constantly, I just walk away. If I by chance run into that one again, I would act cordial...how are you kind of thing, and then go on. I don't let them get under my skin anymore. I wish them no ill will. I live my life, and they live theirs. Simple.
Very well said.... We grow as we learn through our experiences in life.

Sincerely,
Johnny
 

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Depends a lot on the character of the other person for me - If feel that the person has some humility and values then I can forgive a hell of a lot even if I don't like them very much. For arrogant a$%^holes there isn't much chance........
same here.

BUT, if the person has crossed a huge line and I door slam them, I hold a serious, mean grudge. When someone makes me mad by hurting me emotionally, I turn into a serious ENTJ.

I forgive, but I don't forget. I can still be mad at someone while forgiving them.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
Ahh, so INFJs don't hold grudges too often.

I don't think I described myself too well, but most of you guys said fits me as well.

Grudges do in fact take up too much energy on our part. It's petty to just needlessly resent people.

I also have the tendency to deem someone 'evil', which for me basically means their opinions and what not will be viewed with very little respect on my end. However, I will always act amiably towards them because I do not personally believe in recklessly offending others. But I must say if someone does direct harm to me, I have been known for becoming very angry. Though, usually I wait until the second or third offense. I do forgive the first offense and attempt to see if it was just a rare flaw in their behavior. Though I am certain my tendency to become angry in certain situations is not directly related to my INFJ personality. That's just a part of me I haven't completely 'matured' yet, an issue I have.

I cannot think of someone who I have ever 'door slammed' though, or at least I cannot think of many. Most people I end up resenting are people who turn away from me just as much as I turn away from them, so I don't think that's a door slam. That's just us splitting ways.
I possibly door slammed a friend of mine way back in middle school after a series of arguments and tense conflicts, but that was middle school where I was a petty girl hanging around a bunch of other petty girls. None of us knew how to resolve our issues with others, so we either ignored the other person completely or clawed at our throats.
Funny enough, we are best friends now. Well, we were best friends before I kicked her out of my life too, but we are once again best friends. High school managed to bring us back together, but that's mainly because at first we had no one else to talk to. Eventually, time just erased the pain. We never spoke of it again (directly at least). Though, we also came to an understanding that there will be times when we don't get along, but despite those moments we were still two people who loved each other.

Also if you are curious, my best friend does happen to be an INFJ as well. We are virtually the same person with similar flaws, but we just look different in both physical appearance, clothing styles, and the 'vibes' we send off. She is more reserved while I can be a bit more whimsical. I think this is what brought us back together, our similarities, but it is also what initially drove us apart. When two passionate INFJs disagree with each other on ever the smallest of technicalities.... things can get ugly.


Woo. I wrote a lot there. But, maybe this will be some use to someone else.

By the way, I will always feel bad for what I did to my friend.
 

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I'm not sure we'd label it as being a "grudge" but rather we hold onto the feelings which were caused by a person or situation. Pain, fear, another's act of judgement upon us (especially when incorrect) has emotional memories. Perhaps that's what a "grudge" stems from in the first place.
 

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Well I've currently got my "INFJ doorslam" on a ENFP friend of mine who neglected to tell me she had dropped out of college, or "high school" to all you Americans. It wasn't like I hadn't given her the opportunity to tell me - like I did ask about college. I had to hear it from a another friend of ours which was quite upsetting. I haven't seen her in a while because I'm a uni, but I'm thinking about confronting her when I go home next. I will forgive, but I won't forget. Our friendship is also damaged from several other previous occurrences which I won't get into..point is that I pretend to not remember, but I never feel the same about someone who has wronged me. Doorslams are temporary, but only to an extent.

So yeah I do agree with other responses here, I think INFJs are good at hiding their annoyance with people from past events. I'm not usually one to even tell a friend if they've upset me.

I do also have a tendency to write people off, not as "evil", but not worth the effort if you see what I mean.
 

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Nope, no grudge holding here. I forgive easily enough, because I understand easily enough. If one were to keep hurting me constantly, I just walk away. If I by chance run into that one again, I would act cordial...how are you kind of thing, and then go on. I don't let them get under my skin anymore. I wish them no ill will. I live my life, and they live theirs. Simple.
This sums up how I TRY to live my life although I have not perfected it just yet.
 
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I can see why some might think INFJs hold grudges easily. We're notorious for our "doorslamming" tendencies with our offenders. This perception is further strengthened by the immature and poorly developed INFJs doorslamming every little thing that someone does towards them (people who encounter the bad or dud INFJs assume that the rest of us do the same thing). With their ridiculously high expectations (I'm guilty of this), nobody can match up, and instead of confronting the issue directly, their Fe prevents any addression of the issue in fear of "hurting too many feelings". The mental clipboards begin to rack up the points until the final point "breaks the camel's back," resulting in the cutting off of any relations. The offender is left scratching his or her head saying, "What on earth did I do?!" Clear communication would have cleard the air, but underdeveloped Fe deems any conversation that flirts with the edge of offense as too dangerous.
High expectations comes from not having peace within ones' self.

Ni dominants have difficulty reacting to the unexpected. Since Ni looks for patterns to be projected into the future, any curve ball thrown into Ni's vision would be the equivilant of someone smacking you over the head with a heavy object; you're left with a dazed and confused mind. When a "curve ball" is encountered, The INXJ will retreat for time to analyze and reflect. I've had a few friends whom I thought I knew very well. My associations and conclusions arrived at from said associations with them would be added to their mental frameworks created in my mind. However, every once in a while something they would say or do would catch me completely off guard. My immediate reaction was to freeze. I didn't know how to process this new insight, as it caused my Ni to readjust its mental framework created; like finding a crack in the foundation of a large building, requiring time to assess the problem. The nasty side effect was the inability to hang around these people. Any contact, encounter or communication felt strained, forced and unnatural. Mixed signals and red flags would be thrown by me towards them. I couldn't help it. Once I figure everything out, fix the problem in my framework's "foundation", I can resume interactions.
One can learn how to handle this without so much head banging.

Now the problem is this: INFJs are known for their trust in Ni. Ni, as much as I hate to admit it, can't predict everything. When a "curve ball" hits me, I yo-yo between trying to process the new data and maintaining the social harmony my Fe forces me to uphold. My expectations of those close to me, high and picky, are shattered bit by bit, piece by piece. Ni, alarmed by the cracks, begins searching for more, all the while fueling the hermit behavior I fall back on when I have to process. Ni screams to pull back and assess, Fe screams to "fake it" and pretend like nothing is wrong for harmony's sake. The pull becomes too much. I can't take that much strain. The camel snaps and my survivalistic tendencies push me to run, i.e. doorslam. Once doors are shut, they are difficult to open again. Ni would have to readjust its perspective for the door to open. Introverted perceiving functions can be quite rigid and stubborn. The inability to "let go of grudges and faults" people notice about INFJs is just Ni clinging to the conclusions it has arrived it; it's not changing its mind for anything. Ni doesn't like to.
Read my post before this one.

Now, granted, everyone can hold grudges for one reason or another, but INFJs' grudges are the result of stubborn Ni. Generally the problem goes away with age since the older we become, the more developed our other functions become.
I don't believe age (experience) is the only factor that can help develope other functions.

The mature and developed INFJs can't hold grudges easily because they have realized their idealistic expectations aren't fair, their Ni isn't as all knowing as previously thought and their developed Fe allows clear communication, realizing that the only way to fix some problems is to address them head on, regardless of feelings that may be hurt.
My Ni is actually stronger now than it has ever been! And, it has always been strong. Yes, Fe is there, as well as, Ti and Se. All of them go hand-in-hand. Ni allows us to understand. Ti allows to create "clear" communication. Fe allows us to have empathy/compassion. Se allows us to show.

That's my take on it anyway.
Thank you for your post. :happy:

I'm in no way trying to pick you apart...just giving my 2 cents worth...food for thought. :wink:
 
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Forgiving is easy, forgetting is not.[/QUOTE

“This kind of forgetting does not erase memory, it lays the emotion surrounding the memory to rest.”
~~Clarissa Pinkola Estes​
 
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This sums up how I TRY to live my life although I have not perfected it just yet.
I started learning how to do this early in life. I first walk through my emotions and figure out why I feel the way I do. Then I let them go. I remain me.
 
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