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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Long-time lurker, first time poster here.

I would like to kindly ask for some guidance or more precisely insight from you, ultra-cool ESTJ women about a relationship issue I’m currently having with my ESTJ girl (not the correct term as we are taking a break from the relationship, but there you have it).

All right, here we go:

We started dating cca. 4 months ago, which came to an “end” a few days ago (more on this later).

Relationship never had a single problem (and it wasn't the reason for the break-up) – both of us are over 30 (not by much though and I’m a tad bit younger) and mature emotionally and intellectually. We had very high sexual attraction, mind-blowing sex and very deep trust right from the beginning (the trust she had put in me right from the beginning was staggering). We were always sincere to each other, never fought (she was always fighting with somebody – coworker, family member, gas station worker – but never with me) etc. – Nada problems ever (strange as this might sound) and I never felt that we couldn't discuss anything, if one came up.

So a few days ago she picked me up at my house and I could immediately tell something was wrong. She told me we had to talk. She explained that she was having serious family-related problems which had to be solved immediately (I won’t go into details obviously, but they are real issues and they will need considerable time). Work was also getting more stressful and for a shorter period of time she would have to travel (this was/is not a long-distance relationship btw). She said we couldn't meet each other very often from now on and until the issues were solved she probably wouldn't be able to take her mind off them. Also, she didn't want to feel that she neglects me (when I told her I didn't feel neglected, she teared up a little and told me that she really was relieved by this fact).

Totally uncharacteristic from an ESTJ (and more preciously, from her) though: she never said what she actually wanted (i.e. to break up with me) – she just implied that “we wouldn't be able to continue this relationship the same way”, she wouldn't be able to put 100% of herself into this and hence… (silence) When I clearly asked her what she wanted, she told me she didn't know, although we wouldn't call and meet each other that often than before.

We both had a (quite bad) night and a morning to think this over and then I called her the next day to ask her to meet me later that night, so we could clearly have a closure about the things that were left unsaid. She immediately picked up the phone, instantly agreed to the meeting and confessed that she had been thinking about me the entire day.

The second meeting went way better – I told her that I understood her reasons and before laying down the “rules of future engagement”, I also told her something which came deeply from my heart. I've only seen her tear up one time during our entire relationship (and that was about a family issue) – she looked into my eyes for a deep, very personal minute, teared up and hugged me without saying anything.

So after that I told her I would give her two months to sort out the problems she was facing. It wasn't a deadline, or ultimatum; more like a pinned-down date, when we would definitely meet and talk. I also told her that I wouldn't start another relationship during these two months – she said that this was like a “get-out-of-jail-card” for her: if after two months she was ready to continue our relationship, she wouldn't have to worry about me and wondering, if she had made the right decision to put a break on our relationship. We talked some more light-hearted stuff and kissed goodbye for the night.

This was three days ago. I didn't expect to hear from her until probably Thursday-Friday, but Tuesday morning she e-mailed me to “help convince her not to buy a fancy jewelry”. Funny fact: I know nada about jewelry and she actually works in the jewelry business. :) It clearly was a shy “I’m thinking about you”, and we exchanged some fun e-mails. Later that day I met her in the gym – she was just finishing up and we talked and teased each other a little bit. She proudly told me she was doing lunges with bigger weighs (she would never go up with the weighs earlier) and that she couldn't do one exercise because “there was nobody around to help me put up the weighs” (I did that all the time; and the gym was packed with people that night btw, so all she would have had to do is ask somebody). Another funny fact: she never went to the gym ever in her life before, and she actually convinced one of her girlfriends to ask for my help (I’m a part-time personal trainer in my gym), so she could come down with her and hook up with me.

Okay, this ends the story.

What I’m interested in is this: should I go tiki-taka on the contact approach (i.e. she e-mailed me, so I give it 3-4 days and then I call her, after that wait for her), or should I be more passive in this regard (never initiate contact, just reply). I do want to give the time and space she needs, but also don’t want to lose touch and make her think I don’t care anymore.

What do you, super-cool ESTJ ladies think? How would you go (and if you were in a similar situation, what would you expect from your guy) about contact in this quite special situation? Of course any other thought is very much welcome. :)
 

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Bro I got nothing. When something ends for me, it ends forever.

You sure she's an ESTJ?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
100% positive she is an ESTJ, Lazy Bear.

I've had two ESTJ women earlier in my romantic life (and another one in my professional life) and she is the strongest ESTJ I've yet seen.

See, I do believe everything she said. I've gone through some break-ups in my life obviously and when I was younger I used to misplace trust; or try to incorrectly think things into situations. Not here, neither logic, nor my gut feeling tells me I shouldn't believe her.

Also, let's be honest... wait, ESTJs are damn honest! Just to refer back to the earlier two ESTJ women I used to date - one told me straight up she'd met another person (we only had one great date and after that I couldn't meet her again for weeks because of distance); the other told me she'd lost her feelings towards me. Both were honest to the bone, spared me the bullsh$t and were very clear what they wanted.
 

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@joeyno7 Hmm... It would seem that the situation is very painful and difficult for her. If I know anything at all about my type, if she wanted a breakup you'd be the first to know. And, judging by your second post, you're well aware of that. I get this vague impression that her problems - whatever they might be - are perhaps more serious than you know. So much so, in fact, that she fears she'll not be able to pursue the relationship further because of that. Whether her assessment is accurate I don't know of course. But, this fear does appear to be present. Her behavior would seem to indicate that she does want the relationship though. Give her the time she needs if you can. Not much more you can do at this point.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
@Random Person:

Thanks for the great insight! I'm privy to the actual problems (on Saturday she told me everything and I'm probably the only person who knows about them) and they are serious. The fact that she told me about them confirms the very strong trust between us.

And yes; as she told me she wouldn't be able to maintain the same level in our relationship that we were used to. I actually really like this; she is not willing to accept less and she wants to move forwards, never backwards. Quite cool.
 
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