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Discussion Starter #1
please could you INFPs make a list of the things that you NEED in a relationship?

something like we did in this one
http://personalitycafe.com/intp-forum-thinkers/300-guides-deeper-relationship-intps.html

my gf is an INFP and everytime i ask her what does she want from me she says that she doesnt know... but later she gets upset at me because i didnt what she wanted (uh...?)

so if there is any INFP with a more-cleared mind, could you help me?

thank you
 

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Here we go again (I like the stuff on that website), I relate to it : INFP Relationships
Thing I need in a relationship is love (warmth, peace, commitment, loyalty, purity, authenticy) can't think of any more at the moment, it's a lot though. But I don't think it's impossible for someone out there I'm waiting for to live up to most of my expactations, at least I hope so. :sad:
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Here we go again (I like the stuff on that website), I relate to it : INFP Relationships
Thing I need in a relationship is love (warmth, peace, commitment, loyalty, purity, authenticy) can't think of any more at the moment, it's a lot though. But I don't think it's impossible for someone out there I'm waiting for to live up to most of my expactations, at least I hope so. :sad:
if its that simple, im sure its quite possible, really
 

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Here we go again (I like the stuff on that website), I relate to it : INFP Relationships
Thing I need in a relationship is love (warmth, peace, commitment, loyalty, purity, authenticy) can't think of any more at the moment, it's a lot though. But I don't think it's impossible for someone out there I'm waiting for to live up to most of my expactations, at least I hope so. :sad:
Same here: warmth, peace, commitment, loyalty, purity, authenticity, and I would add mutual trust. Trust is automatically included in my mind with loyalty, but its not necessarily the same for the other person.
 

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Harmony; love; respect of boundaries; authenticity/ honesty; integrity and the courage to hold firmly to positive values regardless of opposition or negative social consequences, working together toward positive causes as a unified team; empathy; the maturity and compassion to provide emotional security; patience; nurturing; depth; shared values; the safety to work through disagreements without hostility, judgment, a loss of respect, or threat of abandonment; the ability to be fully myself without being shamed or otherwise punished into changing, but to also be encouraged as a dynamic self that is constantly progressing; a willingness to work together toward mutual spiritual, emotional and intellectual growth; freedom from sources of distress {he must be a refuge}; the security that comes from knowing he is loyal, committed to me, and to our relationship; total acceptance despite acknowledgement of flaws; a willingness to give up the things he enjoys that are hurtful to me, such as pornography or other unhealthy addictions.
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Discussion Starter #6
i see you INFPs can be really different ones from others... thst is what i would love from my INFP partner too
 

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I like lots of sincere compliments. Not generalized, "you're handsome/smart/sweet/etc." You should look for how to really appreciate her for what's unique about her, and be sure to let her know it. I'd recommend you assess: what's true about her, that's unlike anyone else? If you have scientific sort of mind, you should be gathering data, and make note of any deviation from the norm.

We talked about this in another thread, but, don't try to solve her problems. I know that I really, really hate that. Some people may see INFPs as lacking in logic and rationality. To me, I can 'think' that way, but I know that it's really just an illusion or trick--what's important is how you feel, and you can't think your way into feeling good. I've never been offered any advice that I hadn't already considered--and rejected--as a "solution." If she's sharing her feelings with you, trying to solve them sends the message that, "your feelings--and therefore, you--are wrong."

I hope that helps.
 

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Very good advice.
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I'm not a girl, so i don't think my advices would be very useful to you.

my gf is an INFP and everytime i ask her what does she want from me she says that she doesnt know... but later she gets upset at me because i didnt what she wanted (uh...?)
I don't have the details, but i bet she is looking for understanding from your part.

Don't ask her what she wants, she won't know it and it will frustrate her. Ask her rather why she doesn't know what she wants from you and support her in her reasoning by not imposing yourself. Show her that you are really willing to understand her but that you can't find the solution alone and that you have to be two to do that. Make it something to improve your relationship as a team.

Communicate, do it step by step and listen very carefully when she says something; be very very patient and take on yourself. Again support her, don't impose your ideas or opinions, just listen, ask questions and show your authentic want to understand her.

have fun :p
 

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I like lots of sincere compliments. Not generalized, "you're handsome/smart/sweet/etc." You should look for how to really appreciate her for what's unique about her, and be sure to let her know it. I'd recommend you assess: what's true about her, that's unlike anyone else? If you have scientific sort of mind, you should be gathering data, and make note of any deviation from the norm.

We talked about this in another thread, but, don't try to solve her problems. I know that I really, really hate that. Some people may see INFPs as lacking in logic and rationality. To me, I can 'think' that way, but I know that it's really just an illusion or trick--what's important is how you feel, and you can't think your way into feeling good. I've never been offered any advice that I hadn't already considered--and rejected--as a "solution." If she's sharing her feelings with you, trying to solve them sends the message that, "your feelings--and therefore, you--are wrong."

I hope that helps.
Good points!

Some more (and I may say "we", but it may not apply to all INFPs):
- Get to know the INFP's values and respect them, never degrade them, even if you disagree
- If an INFP ventures to talk much about something and you ignore them, shoot them down, or always argue with their view, then they are likely to clam up
- An INFP needs to feel safe and comfortable to open up and express their thoughts & emotion - an INFP may actually seem cold at first, but don't mistake it for disinterest or being unfeeling
- Don't assume you know why the INFP thinks something, how they came to that conclusion, or how they feel about something. If you do that, you'll probably be underestimating them.
- Don't underestimate the INFP - we are not doormats, are not illogical balls of emotion, and we're probably smarter/more talented/more capable than we might let on (we can be overly humble).
- Encouragement & emotional support is mostly what the INFP needs to grow positively as a person, not criticism or dismissive advice. Profound insight is welcome if it's expressing some universal truth that can fit with an INFP's idealistic viewpoint. Practical suggestions can also be good, since an INFP can miss connecting details.
- When it comes to criticism, it must come out of genuine concern and be constructive, or it just makes an INFP feel incapable and overwhelmed and prone to giving up
- INFPs are sensitive, so handle with care...wording and approach can make all the difference
- INFPs generally value independence, so don't smother or try to dominate
- At the same time, INFPs can latch onto one person for all of our emotional needs, so encourage yours to branch out and nurture their other relationships
- After an argument, give an INFP time to process it all. We may be very defensive in the moment, but reflect on it later and see your points.
- Engage the INFP in conversations that are: imaginative and theoretical, profound and emotional, analyze topics that interest us, or playful banter....mundane everyday topics don't make us feel connected
- If you confide deeply in an INFP, they may open up to you also and feel closer to you
- Be spontaneous with your INFP...we dislike ruts and routine
- Initiate and make plans - we suck at this sometimes & appreciate when someone else does it
- Lots of verbal and physical affection, even if they squirm at first
- Sincerity, loyalty, and openness are important, and without it, an INFP may not trust you
- Appreciate our unique qualities and talents, and remember that we are generally not typical in anyway, even typical INFPs :tongue:

Okay, I think that's enough for now....
 

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Ask, then listen…
We like to rattle on about our ideas, but often worry that no one wants to hear them. We also see through the “yeah, uh huh, Oh… you don’t say” routine… (that’s our trick) so listen with sincere interest and ask us to elaborate. We like that.

We want to know that you know us…
The best gifts I’ve ever gotten were the ones that showed that person gets me and it paying attention.

I think we take complements with an objective eye. People misconstrue that as low self-esteem but it’s not, it about being accurate. So don’t just say are proud or whatever, be specific as to why you are.


my gf is an INFP and everytime i ask her what does she want from me she says that she doesnt know... but later she gets upset at me because i didnt what she wanted (uh...?)
Um… that may be a universal girl thing, they expect us to be mind readers… I’d like a solution for that one too…:happy:
 

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Discussion Starter #14
I like lots of sincere compliments. Not generalized, "you're handsome/smart/sweet/etc." You should look for how to really appreciate her for what's unique about her, and be sure to let her know it. I'd recommend you assess: what's true about her, that's unlike anyone else? If you have scientific sort of mind, you should be gathering data, and make note of any deviation from the norm.

We talked about this in another thread, but, don't try to solve her problems. I know that I really, really hate that. Some people may see INFPs as lacking in logic and rationality. To me, I can 'think' that way, but I know that it's really just an illusion or trick--what's important is how you feel, and you can't think your way into feeling good. I've never been offered any advice that I hadn't already considered--and rejected--as a "solution." If she's sharing her feelings with you, trying to solve them sends the message that, "your feelings--and therefore, you--are wrong."

I hope that helps.
its like you lived that situation before, right? it seems like you know it well, as you described her personality and needs exactly.
but how could i do to explain to her that i need some appreciation too? i mean, i can do all that you mentioned above, its not hard to me at all, but it becomes really hard if the other person does not apreciate oyu, you know, when you try to do the best for someone, apreciating, forgiving, just giving your best, and the other person is just complaining about their needs wihtout doing ANYTHING for you... it starts feeling like you have a leeck in your neck you know? i explained to her more than 100 times (the relationship is 2 years old) and it seems like she barely listens to it, and even if she does, it seems like its not too imoprtant to her and she orgets about it inmediatly, ands starts demanding whatever she needs as i would be a giving robot...
 

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Discussion Starter #15
Be appreciative of her support of YOU - I always preferred to be in the background helping my partner shine. No limelight for me, thanks, but afterward make note of it.

she does take that behavior too, but in the other side is always demanding and punishing, its like contradicting. as she said to me, her true wish is to make me happy, but she is always demanding things and punishing me for not doing it and ignoring me and making me feel like a servant, always inder her feet. and everytime i talk to her about this and about how bad i feel about it she even cries but she never changes...
 

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Discussion Starter #16
ok, i think its not about her personality type, it should be about her... because if she would need all you said above then our relationship would be fine, and its not
most of the things you menioned wrere some things i expected from her and she never gave to me, and things that she expected from me too, but she never did though, its like she thinks... like i am inferior to her... or something.. its like i have to do whatever she wants and give her whatever she needs and i dont have the right to even open my mouth to ask anything for myself, and if she doesnt kick my head i should be pleased
 

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Is she abusive, either verbally or physically? From what you are saying, it sounds like an unhealthy, one-sided relationship. Do her demands stem from actual emotional needs, or do you think it is a control issue? Is her demand that you, for example, not talk about or do something that is legitimately emotionally upsetting to her, or is she just being nit-picky and critical as a form of dominance?
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Discussion Starter #18
Is she abusive, either verbally or physically? From what you are saying, it sounds like an unhealthy, one-sided relationship. Do her demands stem from actual emotional needs, or do you think it is a control issue? Is her demand that you, for example, not talk about or do something that is legitimately emotionally upsetting to her, or is she just being nit-picky and critical as a form of dominance?
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verbally always a bit, but not so much, its much about physically
no, its not a control issue, though she is obsessed forbiding me things and threatening me if i do not what she want me to. its not about controling me, i mean, she IS controling me, but thats not the actual purpose, it is to fill all her needs or just wishes.
i mean she would get hurt and cry and hate me if p. example i dont go with her everywhere she wants and spend my money in everything she wants and, per example if i dont stop talking wih my friends if she orders me to, and NEVER EVER IN MY LIFE EVEN LOOK TO ANOTHER GIRL NOT EVEN BY ACCIDENT (literaly once i had a problem with her because i was daydreaming and some girl passed in front of my eyes, and her reaction was terrible, she really thought i liked that girl more than her, since then i have to look straiht down everytime that another girl passes) and obviously, she could still talking with a lot of male friends that i did not even know, just because im an absolutely inferior being (?)
if i do anything of that she would go insane and say that im a horrible person and would go talk to her ex and tell him how pathetic i am and how good she was with him and telling her friends that i am a disgusting person etc, obviously, nothing compared as what i did, as the unhearted person that i am...
well i gues you got what i mean, she really GETS HURT, its not just about being with my head under her boot
 

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if its that simple, im sure its quite possible, really
Here we go again (I like the stuff on that website), I relate to it : INFP Relationships
Thing I need in a relationship is love (warmth, peace, commitment, loyalty, purity, authenticy) can't think of any more at the moment, it's a lot though. But I don't think it's impossible for someone out there I'm waiting for to live up to most of my expactations, at least I hope so. :sad:
It really is that simple... in a healthy relationship.. INFPs lives revolve around their relationships... they want to feel loved, and make you feel loved.

Yeah, all of the above. Add to list a playful nature, and really good sex.
This is the Aries in you not the INFP:tongue::crazy::tongue:

Is she abusive, either verbally or physically? From what you are saying, it sounds like an unhealthy, one-sided relationship.
+1 sounds like she has control/abuse issues... especially from your post after snail said this...
 
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My advice is to either seek relationship counseling or leave before she damages you. It is probably a control issue that stems from fear and insecurity, so in this case, counseling might be the best option.
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