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After realizing I can only connect with others using a shared external activity, I've come to the conclusion I have to learn to interact with people for various purposes. Once I do make connections they're stonk as hell, but making them in the first place seem to be pure luck so far and I seem to be pretty lucky...I just don't want to rely on it all the time. Fellow INTJ's do you have any books on this subject or advice you'd like to refer to me? I could just google it of course, but recommendations are helpful especially for those who've practiced or used the info from the INTJ perspective. Thanks in advance o7.
 

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Unlike most INTJs I never had a problem connecting with people when I actually wanted/needed to. Ni leads me very well into how to act towards people. I don't get social anxiety I am far more likely to experience sensory anxiety.

Be yourself. If you don't mesh with them don't force it unless it's something you need. Remember Fi over Fe prefers deep relationships over extensive amounts of them, even as a tertiary function.
 

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i read how to win friends and influence people at some horribly formative age like 13. it 'works' if all you want is a set of people who think they like you because you pander to their self-obsession, i suppose. but as far as attracting people you can be yourself with, i'd say it ruined my life for the next 13 years :tongue:

the best thing i ever learned how to do is take social risks. say what you actually think and it's probable that at least one person in any group of ten will be honest enough to identify, and interested enough to remember/approach you themselves at some point. i don't advise spilling every thought in your mind, but speaking up is the most effective way i know of personally, for getting people to know what you are.
 

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i read how to win friends and influence people at some horribly formative age like 13. it 'works' if all you want is a set of people who think they like you because you pander to their self-obsession, i suppose.
"Self-obsession" - ain't that the truth.

I hate when you can hear/sense the other person(s) rushing you so they can get back to the topic of themselves. A prime time to troll.
 

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Additional tip:
Say "yes", nod three times. It puts them under pressure to elaborate and you get more time to contemplate your next key words.
I'm infamous for using "clarify" but in this case, you keep repeating until they are at a loss for how they can possibly deconstruct any further
 

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Heretic
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Actually learn how to type people.
Jungian, Enneagram and Instinct types.
(For real like a skill you hone, like cardhouse building you can't just stack two card endwise and call it a day)
Come back if you still have problems.
 
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After realizing I can only connect with others using a shared external activity, I've come to the conclusion I have to learn to interact with people for various purposes. Once I do make connections they're stonk as hell, but making them in the first place seem to be pure luck so far and I seem to be pretty lucky...I just don't want to rely on it all the time. Fellow INTJ's do you have any books on this subject or advice you'd like to refer to me? I could just google it of course, but recommendations are helpful especially for those who've practiced or used the info from the INTJ perspective. Thanks in advance o7.
Change your own attitude. Interaction is a goal in it self, rather than "imperative: acquire human companion. Strategies available: context"

Get comfortable with your own emotions and let them seep through the cracks. There's nothing wrong about being expressive. Feeling hurt isn't the end of the world. Feel it and get over it. It's nothing to avoid, it's just something that happens and it's fine.

Be attentive to the people around you. You don't have to dance around, talk the loudest and take up a lot of space. But you do have to really listen to what they are saying without spacing out as soon as it gets slow. Really look at what they look like, their facial expressions and their body language. Be present with them. Offer some of your own and don't dismiss them if they won't accept. It just means that they don't want what you're offering, not that they don't want you. Don't make it your business to correct them or take responsibility for their legitimacy. Allow them to be wrong. Allow them to be what they are, have what they have and don't have what they don't have. Like the light house: It "doesn't run around on the island to guide the boats, it just stands there shining".

And finally: be playful. It's all fun and games.
 

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I get so hurt because I spend a lot of time to listen to others but then when I finally man up to talk I often get interupted or ignored. It hurts my feeling a lot. For example I sit for a long time and talk about their topic but when I start to talk about exo-planets, science, computergames, diseases, typology, someone quickly changes topic to something like work, local events, sport or knitting right away.I'm like "this isn't fair!!" I often get so easily drained like they probably get from me and my topics. Since my mum likes to talk about those topics I asked why she thought it could be. She explained to me that concrete things seem more realistic and manageble to her. Also for some reason I often get so tired around a bunch of people, there are so many things to analyze all at once and they require quick response and I like to ponder and think things through and analyze more first so I don't say things I regret and if I do I desperetly want to make up for it again. I also often tell the truth and that is not very popular eighter but I don't wanna be fake just to fit in, I wanna say what I honestly mean and then I often get labeled weird. I also try to not say things I will regret later like talking behind peoples back or say things that could hurt their feelings. Then there are this problem that is from one idea or thought usually come at least five new and it is hard to choose just one fast and it is confusing. Sometimes when I sit there I think "I wonder what function they are using now" or "what could their type be". I often space out in conversations and miss the point or topic. But there are some people I find it easy to talk to and even look very much foward to meet though. I find it helpfull to drink coffee to speed up the brain and focus better and sometimes I learn something new from listening or get to undertand people better. I just...don't...seem... to completely get it. I just usually don't fit in.
 

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i use people as social experiments

if i don't get on with someone, they just become more interesting. i have no standards, if i judge people, it's not on a visceral level, and i am not very good at reading people so i push buttons a lot to figure out reactions. i do have a very good read on dominant and submissive types though, and i find myself playing to their egos a lot in that regard, simply because the path of least resistance makes sense if you're not particularly close with the people in question

i don't think there is such a thing as mastering human interaction though because everyone is unique and so even the most charming and gregarious individual could get shut down by a misanthrope having a bad day. the best advice i have is treat everyone with respect and without expectation. nobody owes you a thing and if you take this personally, you're not going to get very far unless you're a delusional narcissist

and learn to laugh at yourself. it leverages social control when people can't socially castigate you
 

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I'm just going to add that you can't expect to deeply "connect" with everyone you meet. INTJs being one of the deepest types will struggle finding peers that can reach the same level. That's just the reality of it.

If you mean just making superficial friendship, then I find the other suggestions: "Don't give a fuck" very helpful.
 
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i find myself playing to their egos a lot in that regard, simply because the path of least resistance makes sense if you're not particularly close with the people in question
But what about authenticity? When I contemplate whether to grease people up or just go casual I rarely ever find a reason to make the effort other than in regards to work and family. The path of least resistance is not very appealing to me at all. It takes a lot more effort to dodge the raindrops, than to just sit out the storm.
 

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But what about authenticity? When I contemplate whether to grease people up or just go casual I rarely ever find a reason to make the effort other than in regards to work and family. The path of least resistance is not very appealing to me at all. It takes a lot more effort to dodge the raindrops, than to just sit out the storm.
i find it very difficult to stonewall people without reason. if i was cold with someone for no other reason than laziness i'd probably start getting weird anxious feelings. it takes very little effort on my part to manoeuvre with some social grace. in fact i find it more difficult with people close to me, because they tend to illicit stronger feelings that randomly erupt like a fat whiny baby, whereas it is second nature to smile and get to know someone i see on a semi regular basis. i guess random members of the public i can just sort of step on their face and keep going, but for repeat occasions i've never had an easy time not at least trying to be sociable for the other persons' sake unless i'm stressed

i'm not 100% sure what my genuine feelings are at any given time, so being authentic is not as easy as some others find it. the best i can hope for on an average day is to know i don't like conflict and the best way to avoid it is to be friendly
 

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From what I've experienced, it all boils down to developing an interest in people. If you can somehow find a way to artificially produce interest, interaction becomes easier because you're genuinely receptive and curious about their thoughts and opinions.

As for how to artificially cultivate interest, like everything, it's a matter of perspective. The reason ENFs are so great with people, in my opinion, is that they are genuinely fascinated by people. To them everyone has something enjoyable to be discovered if you look at them from the correct angles.

For us NT, maybe it helps to take interest not in the people themselves but the stories they have to share? Maybe they understand the world in ways that may provoke thought once unearthed.

It's still a work in progress for me at 30, maybe I'll have better advice to give in ten years...

Oh, and if you really need a book, How to Win Friends and Influence People isn't half bad.
 

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From what I've experienced, it all boils down to developing an interest in people. If you can somehow find a way to artificially produce interest, interaction becomes easier because you're genuinely receptive and curious about their thoughts and opinions.
Yes, it's all about the attitude. I have no problem manipulating my own mind, and I think maybe with a little practice it is something that comes quite easy to INTJs.
 
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