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Good evening.

I've been thinking a lot recently about the concepts of guilt and expectation, especially in the context of the INFJ life.

How do you believe guilt and expectations are a theme in your life?
(If you don't mind sharing, of course. :)


Peace be with you,
S
 

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Whatever guilt and expectation is mostly self imposed in my case. I put a lot of pressure on myself therefore I don't need the same from other people. I fought to defeat outside pressure since I was elementary school age, sometimes verbally, sometimes in action (being passive aggressive). However, it was not good to close the door on good intentions. Sometimes having a person giving you advice from a different perspective or being more objective is a very good thing.


Only in recent years that I can negotiate with my inner voice to strike a truce of some sort. Once I began to be ok being good enough, the guilt and pressure lessened. After all I am not young and only live once, why beat myself up? If I don't think I am awesome, who else will (don't count on your parents, sometimes they are the biggest critic)??
 

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How do you believe guilt and expectations are a theme in your life?

Guilt and expectations have been a great theme in my childhood because I have very judgmental parents. My parents are very conservative and conventional as people are at their age and experience, immigrants from a strict culture. As a result, they would place a lot of expectations on how I should perform in academics and behave towards elders, total obedience. High expectations can be a pressure cooker for diamonds (or something like that), but they were quite negative all of the time which tends to make even positive results seem meaningless. Anything not on track of academics was viewed negatively, as a distraction from academics.

As a result, I got rebellious and searched for a way of thinking that would make me happier. From childhood, I developed high-expectation sources in my head that generate thoughts that the environment thinks negatively of my low performance or artistic expression, and I consciously had to wrestle and untangle these thoughts with logic. I had to put myself in a better environment and now find myself around people with very little expectations of me. I have become very sensitive to having expectations on others for fear that it could make them feel bad. While there is still the voice inside of my head that sets high-expectations and that passion to strive for a goal, there is now another softer voice inside of my head that soothes and finds clever reasons why life is still good.
 

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I'm with @chanteuse on this one, outside pressures revolving around guilt really put me off balance and I lose energy as a result of trying to fight it off. I am my own worst critic, (at least the most accurate one) I can range from fair to a little too hard on myself, but I am trying to lessen my self critical streak. The worst part of guilt is that it leads to me being unassertive for fear of my true emotions, opinions, or needs causing offense or hurting other's feelings. This is one of the big keys in our proclivity towards codependency or excessive people pleasing.
 

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As the eldest child of an ESTJ man and an ISFJ woman, guilt and expectations have ALWAYS been there - ugh!! However, I'm a very naturally anxious and self-critical person anyway, so a lot of it is self-imposed. I feel a lot of shame for things that weren't my fault.
 

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My expectations are all self-imposed. I hold myself to a high standard, and if I can't meet that standard, the drive is there to do more and better. So really, the guilt at not measuring up is self-imposed, too.

My dad commented that when I was in school, they never had to put any kind of pressure on me to perform. My inner drive already set higher goals than they would have set.

I think it's both a blessing and a curse. I'll always have the motivation to keep learning and improving. There's no danger of becoming stagnant. But there is the danger of judging too harshly, or not savoring the small victories because I'm already reaching for the next one.
 

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Same here.
I can beat myself up for things that happened years ago. Because i hold myself to better standards, and i'm ashamed when i can't stay true to them. Typically the topics are about people. If i wasn't there for anyone, if i caught the issues too late, if i unintentionally hurt someone. That's where the real guilt kicks in.

I'm trying to be softer on myself for the past though. Some mistakes i made when i was 20, i shouldn't feel guilty, because there was no way for me to know. Just lessons i had to learn. But i put the expectation on myself that this will not happen again.
 
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