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Haaaaaah. My mum came and told me that my grandpa fell down. My grandma tried to hold onto him, but she fell as well.

So he got a cut near his eye, and then his nose maybe got a bit broken? Nose bleed…

She had problems getting up from the ground, and my uncle couldn’t help her up cos I think he doesn’t know proper methods of lifting.

She sat there for a while before she could get up.

I told my mum to tell her to put my grandfather back on the walker. He was using a cane when I went down yesterday. Can walk, but unstable.

My grandmother apologised and felt guilty cos she felt like she caused the accident.

But if anyone should feel guilty, it’s me, cos I didn’t catch his propensity to fall in time.

But I don’t blame myself too much. Cos I was super tired yesterday, and then I also had to rub my aunt’s arm. Forgot.

I mean, like my mum said, she’s old and human and doing her best. I don’t blame her. I don’t blame myself. We all make mistakes.

I can't prevent every single accident or bad thing from happening to my grandparents. I can only visit them when I can.

I also can't visit them every day and watch over them all the time. I also have my own life to lead and things I have to do.

I don’t think adults like my mum who grew up without grandparents understand just quite how little time you really have if you really want to be there for them.

I'm definitely going to have to be involved with both my parents care when I'm older.

You have guilt about not spending more time. But you also want to enjoy your youth and do things that you love. And you also want to travel, but you're also afraid of things happening. Part of you definitely resents that you have to deal with all these things because of the culture you grew up in. But part of you is also thankful for it because the older people in your family teach you about your history and where you came from. Not everyone is so lucky to know about these things. Part of you is envious of friends whose grandparents are dead, because they don’t have to care for them. And you also feel guilty for thinking that. But it’s definitely human nature to compare, so I can only accept the feelings and understand that they’re not the only “truth” in me. If I didn’t love my grandparents, I wouldn’t think so much about them.

Quite complex feelings, yes. That’s life.

Slowly learning not to be so judgemental of my feelings and thoughts.

I think a lot of people probably share the same kinds of feelings and thoughts, especially if you're a caregiver, but I think the important thing is how you react to them and how much weight you give to them.

My mum was asking if he needed stitches, but the bleeding’s stopped at his eye. So I don’t think there’s a need. But she’s going down to check. I might ask her to send me a photo.
 
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