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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Often as an INFJ, I have struggled to balance between 'expressing myself and standing up for something I believe in' and 'ending up unintentionally hurting someone's feelings. This happens more often with people I'm not particularly close to, because they tend to misunderstand me a lot more.

Has this occurred with you guys?? Somehow I end up feeling really guilty, even though I know I'm right and the other guy is wrong. Plz tell me how you usually respond to such a thing.
 

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Step 1:
If I've already hurt them, then I just try apologize, talk it out.

Step 2:
Learn from mistake. Try not to do it again. Catch yourself starting to do it then stop. The difficulty it seems is the strong urge to stand up for what you strongly feel for. Just reflect on your experience with yourself and others, others' responses and your response to others. Do you want to change people's minds or just chastise them? Realistically, what's going to change people's minds? Figure out a better strategy.

Come to accept that some people just aren't ready to change. Learning patience is the hardest thing. In other words... let it go... or live to fight another day - which really means just leave it until they're more ready. Or they may never be ready. And that's the hardest thing to accept. Wanting to make change and being powerless to do it. It seems so simple to you because you have it all figured out in your head, but they haven't. And you think if they only know what you know, then they'll change... you think sending them an essay, article, research, scientific data, thesis, is going to change anyone. It only works if they're ripe and looking for answers.

Humans actually make decisions based on emotion first and the rationalise it next. (pscyhological research has proven this - a man got the emotional part of his brain removed due to an accident and he would take hours to make the simplest decision). Its humbling and frustrating. We think we're more rational than we are. Which means you're prone to it too if not more.

Step 3:
Practice communicating better so you won't be misunderstood. It sucks but there's a way. And it can be learned. It hard. Doesn't come naturally, that why you keep doing it. It takes practice.

As an idealist you ideally wish that the facta should be enough. It's stupid but presentation affects people's reception of your idea. You wish that the data and raw facts would speak for themselves but they don't. Even psychological research showing the order in which things are presented, affects the outcome.

Some personality types know, accept and roll with the human element of communication like its fun. Its a real drag for INFJs. So we end up sucking at it a bit. You just gotta learn to love it, or at the very least respect it (human psychological element of communicating ideas). Even your persona, charisma, how you're perceived affects whether they'll believe you. Your place in the social hierarchy, their personality type... all that good stuff.

So many books you can read on all this detail.

This post ought to be sponsored by audible because that's where I learn this stuff. lol

Another reason why taking all this seriously can be difficult for the INFJ is because we also value authenticity and learning all this can feel like we're hacking their psychology and taking advantage of people to get a desired outcome.
 

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Sometimes where I get fired up about a thing, it feels like the Fe shuts off. Not on purpose, just that I don’t notice how my words or delivery are being met.

Dunno if it goes so far as to hurt feelings though…more like I wish I had tempered my delivery so that it was listened to.
 
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