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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
This is a complicated situation and I could ramble so if you have questions to help you give me good advice, ask away.
Ok, Im an ENFP and 46 and this man is ESFJ and 47. We knew each other in high school, apparently he had a big crush on me. He found me on facebook in March. We started getting involved, that wonderful infatuation stage. His mom, who lives with him, (never married, never found the right one) was just getting out of rehab and he thought she was gonna recover. He couldnt handle the stress of an intense long distance relationship with me at the same time as getting his mom better, and since I was in CO and he in NJ, he broke it off. I said "Ok, fine" and left the situation.

ESFJs can make decisions quickly only to later regret them, and thats what happened. When he contacted me a couple of weeks later, I was already involved w/someone else. He was broken hearted (as I found out later). He is very emotional, remember he is an "F".

Then he poses as some random guy on my facebook trying to pick me up. I blew him off, since that is not what I was on facebook for. He then said he was "friends with Tony and how could I hurt Tony so deeply?" WOW, first Id heard of this. We exchanged emails for 3 weeks and I realized it was Tony, but of course he wouldnt admit it. As I was accusing him, (they hate to be blamed) of being Tony, he stuck with his story. The emails ended. Later he admitted it was him and said he just wanted to "see what was going on with me".

Then another 3 weeks later I get an email from Tony saying that he needs my help. He got my attn by appealing to me as a Nurse. The fist time we spoke, he admitted to me that he really tried to forget me during those 2 months but just couldnt. He was fighting those "OMG is this really it" feelings a guy gets when he thinks its serious. He said he was in love and would I consider giving him another chance. I told him we needed to meet. We did and we fell in love. This time he said he could handle a relationship with me at the same time as his mom being sick cuz she was dying, the cancer spread and she only had a few months to live.

We clicked as if we should have been together since high school. I was with he and his mom, who fell in love with me also, for 2 weeks doing the care taking thing. When I went back home, he cried on the phone and told me he felt he had died inside the minute I left his arms. (by the way, he is not that good looking so I dont think he has a whole lot of confidence to be a "player" altho he comes off like he has the confidence)
We spoke more seriously of marriage and he asked me and said hed like to find out if his mom would like to see us get married there in their home before she goes, I said yes and she said yes. We texted all the time and talked for hours. It was so hard on him emotionally bc he was so desperately wanting to "just get married, be happy and in love and move to CO". But deep down knew that this meant she had to die first. He was so torn between being happy in love and tremendously sad he was watching his mom die.

Then, Out of the blue, He snapped and made another quick decision that we werent "meant to be" and fabricated reasons why. I feel that it was a survival mode so he could just focus on the here and now (as they do) and since I wasnt there, he had to cut me off. one site says they have the ability to do this driven by needing to remove the pain. It got a little ugly, he made accusations and of course I defended myself and being hurt said things that hurt him back.
I just dont understand how he could go from wanting to marry me in two weeks in his home, to ending it saying it wasnt meant to be when in the beginning he said he strongly believed in destiny and that it was meant to be.

So guys, Preferrably F's, what the heck happened here? At this point, we have no contact and I am just letting him take care of his mom. I told him that I loved him unconditionally regardless of how he felt about me because something that sweet and intense doesnt just disappear over night.
Remember we werent dating, we were getting married, he had already made that decision that i was THE ONE. I also asked him to think about something practical (buzz word).

"If it took you 2 MONTHS to realize you were in love with me, then why would you make a decision under extreme stress (of losing your mom) to UNDO that decision in a matter of a MOMENT???
 

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he msut be overeacting to both postitive and negative signs, and he's likely really afraid of getting hurt or something. he dosen't seem to be very stable and i think things went a bit to fast for him.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I agree that things went fast, for me anyway. But since he had two months to make a rational male decision and said he knew what he wanted, and that was me, did it go too fast for him? He said hed give me time to catch uP since I wasn't thinking about him for those two months, but I don't think he really wanted to. In the end, he said "seems you may have doubts, let's take a step back" him pulling away made me go crazy esPecially when I knew what I wanted. Maybe he Projected "you seem to have doubts" onto me when it was really him?
 

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I'm sorry, but he seems kinda crazy. There are some major warning signs there that you are ignoring; his trying to spy on you by pretending to be someone else, his jumping into getting married and thinking you are the one after such a short time, his constant changing his mind... He does not seem mature enough to handle a relationhip at all. You may love him, but this guy doesn't know what he feels and I don't see any point in continuing the relationship with him.
 
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