Personality Cafe banner

Handling a Spoiled INFJ (or ENFJ)

4312 Views 3 Replies 4 Participants Last post by  LostAngels
Hello all! Please excuse the long backstory! I promise, there is a reason and a question at the end.

A friend of mine, somewhere between INFJ and ENFJ, was recently dumped by an ESTP. She's furious with him for frequently flip-flopping, hot and cold, not being able to commit—all things I quite identify with and nothing he would probably deny. She had found "the love of her life", but he wanted a good time, and when she got stressed and hurt he ended it.

The main problem, however, is that she's grown up as daddy's little girl, a spoiled only child used to a lot of attention. I had stood by her through her last relationship (INTP), her ending it for the ESTP (who cheated on her the first time they tried), and the dramatic few weeks of pouring herself into the new relationship. I stood by her up until the last week of it, when I finally realized she was throwing pity parties to get attention while setting herself as the poor victim of the villain who should have wanted to marry her.

When I told her I was indifferent until she dropped the victim mentality and blame and inconsolable melodrama, she informed me I was worse than him, that she would rather I hate her than abandon her when she was in deep pain and needed support. So (again, sorry for the wall of text!) my question is, how do you handle attention-seekers and needy people? Do you use tough love or do you put up with it and continue showing compassion? Perhaps I would be better going straight to the INFJ (/ENJF) forums, but the first time I tried that I didn't get very far, so I thank you for any advice you have to give!
1 - 4 of 4 Posts
I handle it basically as you did (are doing): If the complainer won't accept any accountability for his/her predicament, there's nothing that can be done. Until they can stop the blame game there's no point in conversing about it.

BTW: ENFJ's seem to have this as a theme. I went out with one for a while, explaining to her at the outset that I was seeing other women and would not commit. We had fun going to bars and being each other's booty call for a while, developing no intimacy and showing each other behavior that doesn't in any way lend itself to a long-term romance. When she started to try to manipulate me into a real relationship, I gracefully backed away. At that point I became the horrible villain: "Look what YOU DID TO ME!!!". It's a feeler thing, I suppose.
  • Like
Reactions: Assassin and SayMoi
Honesty is best by telling her what she is doing is going to cause her more pain and will not get her anywhere but at the same time try not to completely cut her off. Point out her destructive behavior to her and that you are doing it to help her, let her process it because it will not affect her immediately. Also if possible it might help if you general words like "this behavior is hurting you..." rather than "you are hurting yourself..."

She is the one who can help herself the most in the end.

Just my 2 cents
Infj/enfj always have a secret hope that they will get "happily ever after" if they hang in long enough. They keep this to themselves. Maybe they might tell one or two close friends but never the object of their affection. Since they typically look for a soul mate, they don't understand dating "for a good time". If they don't see long term potential (which is about personalities not circumstances), they dump that person and move on. (Usually by avoiding phone calls and standing him up until the guy gets the point.) However, if there is a strong chemistry on a couple different levels, they will overlook circumstances and will think "I found the ONE." The problem with ENTP/ESTP dating this type is if they break up or (he is seeing other people) and they call after not talking for a while (looking for opportunity) or they keep seeing each other while he is seeing other people, the ENFJ/INFJ sees this as fate throwing them together if it is a blessing from the gods that "happily ever after" is right around the corner. To us INFJs and ENFJs....everything, and I mean EVERYTHING has to have some cosmic reason, some grand meaning, in the big picture of life. So when something doesn't jive with this view (ie: for a good time, passing entertainment, sensation seeking.) our whole view of the world falls apart and we beat ourselves up. Even when we go into nature to de-stress...and we sensation seek, we do so to connect with Universe on some drink in life, to become one with it. Any person who isn't participating with the INFJ on this spiritual level of connection, and is only there on the material level is seen as "using" the INFJ/ENFJ and is perceived as the "bad guy".

The typical ENTP thought is to say "but I was honest with you", "I never promised you.", "I told you upfront." and to the ENFJ/INFJ we imagine is this "So you are saying that it's okay to do something wrong, if you say you are going to do it first...even if it is ethnically and morally wrong...How could you do such a thing.? I always try to do the right thing even if I'm sacrificing my own happiness. So, why would you want to hurt me on such a deep level." Then again, they can't imagine dating to hurt another person...which is why they ditch most potential relationships early on, and because they can't handle another person's's often done via avoidance. An INFJ/ENFJ in love, would die for love, so we assume if you are still there, you would do the same.
1 - 4 of 4 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.