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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hey all,

I need some help, maybe you guys could help me out?

My partners Ni is getting a bit much for me and I am struggling to know the best way to handle it. We've talked about this a lot but neither of us know what to do.


When we aren't together he often gets these feelings. He seems to experience my emotions a lot.

But the trouble is, I don't take much notice of my emotions and I often think about a lot of random things which don't mean anything to me and shouldn't to anyone else. So sometimes he seems to get a sudden feeling from me, sometimes I am genuinely a bit stressed or upset, but most of the time I am just being a Se, thinking random things, getting involved with something for a second, then dropped the next.

He will say to me, "I can feel something what's up". And if I don't reply (because geniunely didn't noticed or I am busy) he continually gets himself worked up.

Now I know he can't help the way he feels and he just cares.

But the problem is I can't help but feel like my private space has been invaded, that his feelings are often completely off the point and exagerate what I feel, because I don't really give a damn what I'm feeling and get on with it.

So now everytime he tells me he feels something, I immediately get defensive, wonder what the hell it is I have done now, and feel very frustrated by his outburst.

I am trying to not think like this, but it's so difficult.

Can any of you advise me on how to try and not get worked up and take it the wrong way? How can I see his feelings in a different way?

Sorry for the long post and another advice thread, but any information may be helpful. We communicate well and are very open with each other.

Thanks!
 

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talk to them,
when they get the feeling something is wrong,
but nothing is really wrong with you, let them know!
they may not really think you are seriously upset about something, maybe they just need the affirmation that you are fine?

try not to be defensive, communication is important, if it's an INFJ you are talking about I'm sure they would understand, and learn to respect your private space, most INFJs want to make their partners happy, if they find out that their actions are making you uncomfortable, if they care, they will change their behavior, especially if you express what you need from them sincerely

or at least that's what I think
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
talk to them,
when they get the feeling something is wrong,
but nothing is really wrong with you, let them know!
they may not really think you are seriously upset about something, maybe they just need the affirmation that you are fine?

try not to be defensive, communication is important, if it's an INFJ you are talking about I'm sure they would understand, and learn to respect your private space, most INFJs want to make their partners happy, if they find out that their actions are making you uncomfortable, if they care, they will change their behavior, especially if you express what you need from them sincerely

or at least that's what I think
That's what we are trying to do. But it's so random when it comes out I am caught off guard. I try to explain, then he might ask me if I'm sure or whatever.

I don't know, it's not really working. I still get worked up and if my answer doesn't explain why he's feeling what he is, he's just still upset and bothered by it and I can't help but feel accused and worked up or forced to feel guilt over nothing.

He is an INFJ, he says he really wants me to be able to 'accept' his Ni, I don't want him to have to handle the feelings on his own. But it's very difficult for me to understand.
 

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Se is the in-the-moment, Ni is future-oriented. It sounds a little like misunderstanding of contexts--he may pick up on your feelings and they may be real feelings. But for you, the feelings are gone the next minute and that's that. For him, in the same situation, he'd be worrying and worrying and worrying...and I'd hazard a guess he knows that's unpleasant and wants to help you out of that (not realizing that...you're not worrying to begin with).

If my guessing there is correct, I'd say talk it over with him and explain how you handle your feelings, and how it's different than his. Then, you can describe what he can do that would help you in those moments (even if that's by not helping at all). INFJs like plans and frameworks, so having more heads-up about what to expect is good. Makes him feel useful, less brushed off.

Otherwise, just be firm. When an INFJ is caught up in an Ni moment, sometimes they think they're always right. And it takes patience to knock that out of them. The crazy thing is...sometimes they ARE right...but how they're handling it...is not. And that's the piece you can help school him in. Almost more of an Fe than a Ni problem.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Se is the in-the-moment, Ni is future-oriented. It sounds a little like misunderstanding of contexts--he may pick up on your feelings and they may be real feelings. But for you, the feelings are gone the next minute and that's that. For him, in the same situation, he'd be worrying and worrying and worrying...and I'd hazard a guess he knows that's unpleasant and wants to help you out of that (not realizing that...you're not worrying to begin with).

If my guessing there is correct, I'd say talk it over with him and explain how you handle your feelings, and how it's different than his. Then, you can describe what he can do that would help you in those moments (even if that's by not helping at all). INFJs like plans and frameworks, so having more heads-up about what to expect is good. Makes him feel useful, less brushed off.

Otherwise, just be firm. When an INFJ is caught up in an Ni moment, sometimes they think they're always right. And it takes patience to knock that out of them.
Again, that's pretty much what we are doing!

I have explained to him that I don't have the feelings as intense and they come and go.

He trusts his Ni so much.
 

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Believe me, sometimes I annoy myself of how ridiculously Ni can be. Does he know about cognitive functions? Maybe you should teach him about it, perhaps that could give him an idea of how annoying Ni is to the ESTP. When I learned about all this stuff, it was like an 'aha' moment when I realized how I could have pushed people's buttons and why misunderstandings and communication issues happened.
 
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Again, that's pretty much what we are doing!

I have explained to him that I don't have the feelings as intense and they come and go.

He trusts his Ni so much.
Sounds like you may just have to wait for your firmness to kick in. :/ Do give him another option if you can--something he can do differently in those moments--redirecting energy is a lot easier than stopping someone cold.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Believe me, sometimes I annoy myself of how ridiculously Ni can be. Does he know about cognitive functions? Maybe you should teach him about it, perhaps that could give him an idea of how annoying Ni is to the ESTP. When I learned about all this stuff, it was like an 'aha' moment when I realized how I could have pushed people's buttons and why misunderstandings and communication issues happened.
Yes I am very open with him about the functions and he knows very much about his type. He's reading this thread I expect :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Sounds like you may just have to wait for your firmness to kick in. :/ Do give him another option if you can--something he can do differently in those moments--redirecting energy is a lot easier than stopping someone cold.
What kind of option though? We can't think of anything.
 

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What kind of option though? We can't think of anything.
Hmmm...

Overall, it seems to me, he's approaching you wanting to make you feel better, whether or not you need it. So what's something he could do that would make you feel good? Give you a hug? Tell a quick joke? Go do the dishes or another chore that needs doing? Leave you alone to your thoughts, understanding you'll call him back if you really do need him? (If it's that last one, make an effort to call on him when you DO need him for things feeling-related, so he knows you're not just saying it.) Any of the above, depending on which you'd like more that day?

The other way is shutting down. "Nope. I'm good. Bye." Over and over, until he figures out a reasonable alternative on his own. Like a game of "now you're getting warmer...now colder", it can be frustrating for both parties, but it does eventually work out.
 

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I think the problem is this: because you are not naturally very emotionally demonstrative, he doesn't have as much to draw from when he assesses the current status of your relationship. He might find himself feeling adrift, and in an attempt to draw out some emotion from you, he's trying to get you to "play a game" with him to express what you're feeling. I think in many of the cases he's projecting what he's feeling on to you when he tells you what he thinks you feel.

Either way, what he's doing is totally annoying and I would be going crazy if I had someone constantly telling me what I feel. :| I mean, yeah, I pick up on people's emotions, too...but I don't go and presume to tell them all about it (unless they are so obviously and severely distressed that I should draw attention to it). Instead, I adjust my behavior and approach to create a better harmony between us so whatever they're feeling will persist (if positive) or tone down (if negative).

Both of you need to compromise. Maybe you need to be more demonstrative of how you feel about things. Even if you downplay your emotions normally or aren't aware, perhaps it would be a good idea to set aside a few minutes each day to analyze how you feel at that moment and work to express that feeling. Nothing major, and it might help you become more aware of your emotional states.

On the other hand, he needs to learn to accept that unless you say otherwise, you're just fine. That the status of your relationship to one another has not suddenly changed. He should also learn to apply his readings of your emotional states in a more subtle manner. Not everyone wants to talk about what they're feeling, if they are even aware of it. Instead, would it not be way more awesome if he expressed his emotional support in a less invasive manner?
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
I think the problem is this: because you are not naturally very emotionally demonstrative, he doesn't have as much to draw from when he assesses the current status of your relationship. He might find himself feeling adrift, and in an attempt to draw out some emotion from you, he's trying to get you to "play a game" with him to express what you're feeling. I think in many of the cases he's projecting what he's feeling on to you when he tells you what he thinks you feel.

Either way, what he's doing is totally annoying and I would be going crazy if I had someone constantly telling me what I feel. :| I mean, yeah, I pick up on people's emotions, too...but I don't go and presume to tell them all about it (unless they are so obviously and severely distressed that I should draw attention to it). Instead, I adjust my behavior and approach to create a better harmony between us so whatever they're feeling will persist (if positive) or tone down (if negative).

Both of you need to compromise. Maybe you need to be more demonstrative of how you feel about things. Even if you downplay your emotions normally or aren't aware, perhaps it would be a good idea to set aside a few minutes each day to analyze how you feel at that moment and work to express that feeling. Nothing major, and it might help you become more aware of your emotional states.

On the other hand, he needs to learn to accept that unless you say otherwise, you're just fine. That the status of your relationship to one another has not suddenly changed. He should also learn to apply his readings of your emotional states in a more subtle manner. Not everyone wants to talk about what they're feeling, if they are even aware of it. Instead, would it not be way more awesome if he expressed his emotional support in a less invasive manner?
I shall spend more time assessing my feelings, for sure.

I don't think he really thinks our relationship is going adrift. We've been through A LOT and we definitely know where each other stand. If anything he just wants to know why he's feeling how he is, and asks me incase I am feeling something. He's a bit worried somethings up as well as wanting to feel better about why he's feeling something. Which is understandable. He describes what he's thinking but he doesn't tell me that's what I MUST be feeling.

We've decided to come up with a way of me telling him I'm not feeling anything by using a specific word at the end of my explanation. That way he knows I don't mean it coldly or in a dismissive way of his feelings (as when I have done that it leads to offending him), and also if I remember to say the word, it reminds me to think thoroguhly about what I might be feeling because of what that word stands for. It might make me stop for a few seconds and think properly before responding to him.
 

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Thing is i get these strong feelings which i have no idea where come from and why, and if i dont deal with them they will be there for a while and eat me up so i ask her are you ok? or whats up? To see if its from her i get them.

Then she might say well im in this mood atm and i go oh so thats why i feel this way and we talk about it.

And if its not then i have to call my family and hear if things are ok and such..

if you've ever had the feeling that something is wrong but you cant put your finger on what it is then you might know what its like to be me ;x


I'm well aware my Ni is strong and very dominant and that im not always right, but when im right 9/10 times i have to take it into consideration for quite a while and work the problem from many angles ect.

CURSE THIS GIFT sometimes :p


/edit: oh and to clear it up im the boyfriend this is about :p
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Thing is i get these strong feelings which i have no idea where come from and why, and if i dont deal with them they will be there for a while and eat me up so i ask her are you ok? or whats up? To see if its from her i get them.

Then she might say well im in this mood atm and i go oh so thats why i feel this way and we talk about it.

And if its not then i have to call my family and hear if things are ok and such..

if you've ever had the feeling that something is wrong but you cant put your finger on what it is then you might know what its like to be me ;x


I'm well aware my Ni is strong and very dominant and that im not always right, but when im right 9/10 times i have to take it into consideration for quite a while and work the problem from many angles ect.

CURSE THIS GIFT sometimes :p
That's my partner, incase you're confused :laughing:
 

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@runew , I would recommend you sleep on it. I tend to work out the solution in my dreams. Honestly, when it's strong feelings that I don't know where they come from, it usually means I am nervous about something. To contrast that with the feelings my partner is giving off which I can sense right away. He's ENTP (so tertiarty Fe like ESTP), and I've only asked him if everything is ok a handful of times.
 

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@runew , I would recommend you sleep on it. I tend to work out the solution in my dreams. Honestly, when it's strong feelings that I don't know where they come from, it usually means I am nervous about something. To contrast that with the feelings my partner is giving off which I can sense right away. He's ENTP (so tertiarty Fe like ESTP), and I've only asked him if everything is ok a handful of times.
Yea but the thing is i can literally feel it like she is feeling it, like suddenly out of nowhere my heart starts to pump fast adrenaline pumps sometimes i even get like a faint flash picture of what it is.

And ofc im not right all the time, but ask her and she will tell you that i can be very scary and accurate about.. :x

I'm not thinking is she cheating on me or anything like that and then wind myself up
 

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Yea but the thing is i can literally feel it like she is feeling it, like suddenly out of nowhere my heart starts to pump fast adrenaline pumps sometimes i even get like a faint flash picture of what it is.

And ofc im not right all the time, but ask her and she will tell you that i can be very scary and accurate about.. :x

I'm not thinking is she cheating on me or anything like that and then wind myself up
I mean, maybe it doesn't relate to her at all. I get wound up over the weirdest shit. For feelings from my partner, though, it's more by proximity, and it's when his energy gets too high or too low all of a sudden.

So, if it is from her, just tell her: "I can feel your energy really strong right now, so I'm just gonna leave the room for a bit." She can't really stop from emoting, so you need to recognize your own body signals, interpret them accurately, and then know when there's a real problem or it's just feedback that you don't need to intervene on. Take the time to go somewhere quiet and calm yourself.

I'm just stating what works for me, glean from it what you will.
 
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