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My mum told me the queue to see the coffin was 1 hour long, so I went there. It turned into a 8 hour queue, so I noped out of there 2 hours in. I’m burnt anyway. I never wanted to go see the coffin because it’s just a box, and it’s a waste of time. I told my mum, look, if he’s here now, he’ll be like.. What are you guys doing wasting your time mourning me? Go do something productive instead. Sigh. Thankfully she gave in and we got away.

So I haven’t signed anything. Just stood in line for hours. Gah. And it turns out the 1 hour queue time was in the morning. Like duh it’ll be short in the morning. My mum gave me incomplete information! Turns out she heard it from her co-worker and just took it as truth. Sigh. Woman… you have to verify facts. Double-check based on the pattern.

So yeah. Wasted my time today. I managed to do everything else except write, because I was planning to do that when I came back. Now I’m exhausted from standing in the sun. At least we ate nice food before coming home, so I guess there’s that.

Really annoyed now, and struggling to see it as exercise, but it’s like… hard. There was just so many people there. I’m exhausted. I think I need to… get out what happened from my head and pen it down here. Maybe I’ll feel better.

Me: Woah, everyone’s taking pictures of that.

Mum: Yeah, that’s a war memorial.

Me: I know. But I mean… it’s like they’ve never seen it before.

Mum: You know, last time your grandfather wanted to put his father’s name on it, because he was killed during the war, but there wasn’t enough money, so he didn’t put it there.

Me: Oh.

Mum: Yeah, if not his name would be there now. He died during the war. Overseas.

Me: Eh? Not here?

Mum: No, but your grandfather wanted to put it there. It was a small amount of money, but your grandmother said don’t want.

Me: Oh. That’s sad.

Mum: Yeah. Sometimes you have to balance out.. Which is more important. I mean, even if it’s a bit of money… it would have been good to have his name there.

Me: Yeah.

Haaaah. Don’t know. Should I recall everything we said? Kinda tired, but kinda want to get it out. But I think I got everything out there. Just left with feelings.

Like.. Yeah, mourning is good and I’m sure he would appreciate so many people turning up to his wake. But when it’s like 8 hours wait just to walk past his body… I would be more annoyed about it if I were in his shoes. Go do something productive, don’t just mourn the shell of the man left. Honour his spirit.

But that’s just me. People grief in different ways.

I know I sound crass here, but I would rather do what he would have wanted me to do than do what other people think is right, like paying respects, etc. He didn’t know if there was a God either, and if there is no heaven after death, I bet he’ll be laughing where he is now at all of us queueing up to say goodbye to him when he never really left. I don’t think a person truly dies until all effect they have left on this world is gone, which is most likely never.

It’s a chain reaction in that sense.

I’m actually feeling too tired to write today, but… I think I will. I’m had no plans and I don’t plan to see his coffin because he’s not there anyway. He’s in my heart and my memory. I think the most important lesson I learnt from him was his work ethic. Even on his hospital bed, on the day before he died, he was working. He would sleep at 2am every day, working throughout the day.

You could say he’s a workaholic, but what drove him the most was his love for his people. He loved his family and country a lot. I think that.. Unless you’re doing something you really love and have a purpose for, you won’t be happy working such hours. You’ll go home all tired and cranky. But when you do something you love, even when you return home to your family at 1am, you’ll still be happy.

I don’t know. Maybe that’s just my inexperience talking.

But yes. What I learnt from him was his passion as well. It’s hard to dedicate your whole life to something if you don’t firmly believe in it deep inside. More than wanting to lead, I think he wanted to protect. Leading was just something he had to do to protect those he led.

The human desire to achieve so that you can protect. The human desire to protect so that you can achieve. They sound different but they’re the same. If the group around you is strong, they can support you in chasing your rainbow. If you can finally reach that goal, you can then support others in theirs.

That’s why economic mobility is so important in society. When people feel trapped, they lash out.

My mum was questioning me about what I thought he said with regards to whether he could run India, and I replied that it was hard because India is so big. Plus, the way they treat women… and that India has so many areas. If he ran a small province, it might work, but to run the whole country is tough. And she said I was correct. His reply was that India is big and there are 200 languages. So when the leader speaks, very little people can understand him. Unlike a country that shares a common language, like say China, where 90% of the population can understand what their leader is saying.

I signed up for a Linguistics course at Coursera. I think that… I’m not interested in language itself per se. But I’m interested in communicating with more people. And I want to learn the intricacies of language so I can obtain more mastery more quickly. And better my writing too. I wonder if that’s an okay reason?

I mean, maybe it’s a bit silly to wonder whether that’s an okay motivation, but… I need to know why I do things so I understand myself better I guess. I was reading online and it seems like it’s okay. Like to learn a language to get closer to people is kinda like what babies do and it’s why they learn so fast. So I guess that’s okay.

I’m thinking of looking for people who know the languages I want to learn and improve and conversing with them on Skype. But haha, I like my anonymity too. I wonder if I should try it? Maybe after I’ve learnt things better. We’ll see. There’s no rush, I guess.

I always feel like every day is a present to unwrap for me. Sometimes I tear the wrapping too much to get to the present and forget to just enjoy the process too. Haha. I do still have fun, but I think I can enjoy myself more.

Growing up is tough, man! But I hope I continue to grow.

I practiced my major scales today! So I’m proud of that. I’m getting good at D major! :D
 
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