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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Socializing has always been one of my weaker points. Growing up, I had very few friends until I actually focused on developing my social skills. And by that time, I was in high school. I'm curious to find out if other INFPs find it difficult to make new friends, to follow/understand social norms/rules, or just socialize in general, and how popular you were in school.

I would also be curious to know if any INFPs unintentionally, on occasion, make some people mad or hurt. I've done this a few times where I honestly don't realize in that moment that what I'm saying is pissing off the other person. Either that, or I don't understand why it's pissing off the other person (if I'm in the presence of the other person, I can usually pick up their emotions, but I don't always understand why they feel that way).
 

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After years of wondering why, its because of these reasons.


I don't seek out people that don't match my vibration and were I live is full of vibrations that don't match.

I only am interested in people that are deep, most people my age lack depth and only see the materialist world. There is more to this, but I will keep it simple.

Fellow introverts if I can find them are the only people that have this depth that I had most success with, and at the same time are not people that push me to go out all the time (some extroverts).

I only would talk to you if you give me something worthy of talking about. No superficial nonsense. Don't state the obvious about the weather to me or try to ask about my personal life so quickly because I am very private as it is. I know you are trying to get to know me, but I only will open up slowly on my own. Problem is people cross this boundary too much plus these people are not the people I want to make friends with anyway as I only am looking for deep relationships.

This is why I have a hard time finding someone I can be friends with, but I rather have 1 deep friend than 10 different friends who lack depth.

As for hurting someone this is normally at work. I think of myself as sensitive, but goodness gracious, even when I am not trying to be mean and pick the right words, they think I am being hard on people that are not doing their job right or slacking off which effects me since I have to pick up after them, ugh.
 

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i had no problem socializing or understanding norms in high school. following the norms and actually socializing is a different story. lol.
i had plenty of friends, i was well liked for unknown reasons, as i never tried to make friends. and i was always fine being a loner. people kept approaching and wanting to socialize, so as nice/passive as i was i just went along with it.

"have i made people mad or hurt?" what a question.. i can't tell you how many times i have unintentionally hurt people, whether we were close or hardly acquainted.
and then again, everyone i ever knew in my life either loved or hated me. i always get strong reactions. (i wonder if that is an infp thing?)

as for how to make friends, just be yourself. AKA stop thinking about how you are coming off (awkward, weird, repulsive??!!) lol. mostly you've gotta accept your less attractive traits.
people are drawn to those who don't give a shit what they think.
 

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dear infp friend,

same happens to me.

i meet girl > i flirt with girl > girl flirts back but i'm too passive to break ice > girl gets mad

you have no idea how many girls cross their arms in anger when I'm near them.... :angry:
lol.. 'do i know you!?!?!'
 

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Throughout the past... what, 15 years of my life, I've had many different types of friends. I have never had a "life-long" friend or a really best friend (I've had different "best friends" over the years- They always change.) and I have moved around like 3-4 times in my life, so of course, I never had a group of friends that I've known my entire life. I am somewhat of a drifter, moving from one group of people to another.

I've been known as the oddball by many people. They both appreciate this, and also hated me for it. I did have "friends", but it never lasts. In the end, the friendships either fades away, or ends badly.

If I could have even just one very best, close friend for life... I would be the happiest person in the world. I'm still on the search for that special friend, though. :(
 

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I've been noticing lately that I don't speak in jest with people if I don't know them too well. If anything I have a reversed mentality where I talk more-so seriously with them first and maybe even philosophically at times. It's as if saying "this is who I am." However, MOST people seem to like people that joke around first and then -maybe- hear that serious stuff much much later after that bond is truly in.

Oh and I piss people off all the time, I'm either a love or hate guy, but I wouldn't be surprised if most INFPs were the "he's a nice guy / girl," but they can't comment any further. I also do realize I'm ticking most people off and I kind of manipulate it to my needs~
 

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I've been noticing lately that I don't speak in jest with people if I don't know them too well. If anything I have a reversed mentality where I talk more-so seriously with them first and maybe even philosophically at times.
lol yeah i do the same. that's a good way to weed out the ones ya want from the crowd goers.
 

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I was a lot more social during high school probably because you end up being with the same people over years so I had enough time to make bonds with my classmates. This doesn't happens in college anymore though, you never end up with the same people on the next semester so I haven't been able to make any friend yet.
I have also been kind of depressed for a long time and because of this I isolated myself on my room for a long while so I lost social skills lol, even just saying "Hi" to someone felt really awkward but I'm gettin over it now.

I don't know if this is of any help but...I know often you can feel a lot of pressure because of the next person next to you might be starting to get bored so you start to think "what should I say? what should I do?". It is often best to just take a deep breath and start thinking about something funny instead, it can help you clear your mind and to take some pressure off of your head and suddenly things to talk about will come to you.
Well, this really helps me.

Oh uh and sorry for my bad english, it is not my main language. Hope you guys understand what I'm tyring to say =P.
 
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I have EXTREME difficulty making friends, because I refuse to follow the social norms everybody else takes fro granted. Apparently, I'm socially retarded, because I'm a genuinely caring and thoughtful person who enjoys meaningful conversations with people who aren't total douchebags. But if that's so, I'm fine with being a social retard. At some point in their lives, everybody has to decide if they want to win the race, or stop being a rat, and I chose the latter a long time ago.
 

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I have a lot of difficulty with social norms just because I usually do not how to break the ice or come out of my own shell. I am very anxious about what I say or do so I try to keep minimum boring small talk instead of being myself. If I do get comfortable I think I tend to talk too much and I assume that I am bothering the other person.
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Discussion Starter #12
i had no problem socializing or understanding norms in high school. following the norms and actually socializing is a different story. lol.
Yeah, that's a bit of a different topic. I too sometimes hate social norms and recognize them but don't follow them because I'm against having some of them in our society. But there are many times when I simply don't recognize them at all. Or recognize them but don't understand why they are the way they are. (I always seem to want to know the motivation for things, I'm always asking why. :p) And if I don't understand it, I'm probably not going to follow it very well. The only reason I've been able to come up with is that social rules just makes socializing less time consuming. There are unspoken rules that everyone follows so that everyone can get along in life much faster in their day-to-day situations. But I still think some of these rules are stupid. lol. And like I said, some rules I honestly don't pick up on all the time, thus either creating an awkward situation, not being able to easily make friends, or worst of all - unintentionally pissing someone off. The funny part is that lately I've had a couple of incidences where I've pissed people off by doing what I THOUGHT was socially appropriate and following social norms and trying to be nice to these people and as polite as possible, and they got pissed off at me! *sigh* This is why I'm not so great at socializing. lol
 

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Its only in the past years that I have come to realise what I have done instinctively all along. I have a very strong antenna for people with matching personalities and I will often automatically reject everyone that does not match with me.

Of course, being INFP and ADD and in general a one person minority means that the choice has always been extremely limited. During my highschool years I essentially spent every weekend and all after school hours alone because I had only one friend at any one time and he lived some twenty miles from me.
The weird thing is, I cant even recall that this has ever bothered me. I was perfectly content with myself. I never needed anyone else. It was a fun bonus is someone could visit me, but if not, it was ok too.

And even today, there is still only one true friend in RL though having cars its a lot easier to get together regularly. But thanks to the internet I have met many wonderful friends whom I would never have found if I had had to look for them in the physical world. They are simply too rare.
 

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Socializing has always been one of my weaker points. Growing up, I had very few friends until I actually focused on developing my social skills. And by that time, I was in high school. I'm curious to find out if other INFPs find it difficult to make new friends, to follow/understand social norms/rules, or just socialize in general, and how popular you were in school.

I would also be curious to know if any INFPs unintentionally, on occasion, make some people mad or hurt. I've done this a few times where I honestly don't realize in that moment that what I'm saying is pissing off the other person. Either that, or I don't understand why it's pissing off the other person (if I'm in the presence of the other person, I can usually pick up their emotions, but I don't always understand why they feel that way).
Luckily... I'm sort of blessed with a good sense of humor... I'm told I'm funny even though most times I don't even try to be it's just how I learned to connect with people. I don't really follow social norms, (Except if not doing so would be rude, then I do just for the sake of not seeming stuck up or something) I just be me and most people actually like that, makes me stand out. So that and my good humor actually has made me a pretty recognizable guy around town and school. I mean I'm not super popular, but if I were to go out somewhere most likely I'd be greeted by people who know me from somewhere or someone.

But... even though I connect with a handful of people here and there, I have really few true friends. I used to have a good sized group of "cool" friends, but after some reflection about myself I realized most of them weren't my real friends and I cut a lot of them off or just stopped talking with them. Right now I'm sort of in the process of finding another group, but with real friends who actually care about me. I'm not a very strong Introvert so I crave social things now and then and need some sort of social life, but then at the same time I have really high expectations for people which makes it hard for me to open up with them and just have a good time, which makes friendships I think...
 

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Yeah, that's a bit of a different topic. I too sometimes hate social norms and recognize them but don't follow them because I'm against having some of them in our society. But there are many times when I simply don't recognize them at all. Or recognize them but don't understand why they are the way they are. (I always seem to want to know the motivation for things, I'm always asking why. :p) And if I don't understand it, I'm probably not going to follow it very well. The only reason I've been able to come up with is that social rules just makes socializing less time consuming. There are unspoken rules that everyone follows so that everyone can get along in life much faster in their day-to-day situations. But I still think some of these rules are stupid. lol. And like I said, some rules I honestly don't pick up on all the time, thus either creating an awkward situation, not being able to easily make friends, or worst of all - unintentionally pissing someone off. The funny part is that lately I've had a couple of incidences where I've pissed people off by doing what I THOUGHT was socially appropriate and following social norms and trying to be nice to these people and as polite as possible, and they got pissed off at me! *sigh* This is why I'm not so great at socializing. lol
Yeah, without the social norms, people would learn to be a lot of accepting and understanding of their brethren, simply cuz they would have to get used to all the weird antics and the weirdos.
 

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Socializing has always been one of my weaker points. Growing up, I had very few friends until I actually focused on developing my social skills. And by that time, I was in high school. I'm curious to find out if other INFPs find it difficult to make new friends, to follow/understand social norms/rules, or just socialize in general, and how popular you were in school.

I would also be curious to know if any INFPs unintentionally, on occasion, make some people mad or hurt. I've done this a few times where I honestly don't realize in that moment that what I'm saying is pissing off the other person. Either that, or I don't understand why it's pissing off the other person (if I'm in the presence of the other person, I can usually pick up their emotions, but I don't always understand why they feel that way).
I don't make friends (in the ordinary sense anyway in general). I'll go get them if I find them when I know that if such person is what I consider decent person (I have high standards in friends though but such standards is mostly moral / character standards of such person) and when I know that: I don't fail to befriend him or her except if my expectations weren't met (I've found out the person is a douche) or / and except he or she does not want / interested to be my (genuine) friend. Very few people fit my standards and I am most likely considered elitist and these factors make it very hard to me to make friends by default.

Sadly I'm sort of indifferent to other people at (mostly) times and as a result yes I've probably hurt people (mostly if not always) unintntionally at times. I'm a natural loner (also 5 enneagram) which I am content with and I do not see my lack of social skills as a personal disadvantage (though pragmatically speaking it is a disadvantage for me).
 

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I don't make friends (in the ordinary sense anyway in general). I'll go get them if I find them when I know that if such person is what I consider decent person (I have high standards in friends though but such standards is mostly moral / character standards of such person) and when I know that: I don't fail to befriend him or her except if my expectations weren't met (I've found out the person is a douche) or / and except he or she does not want / interested to be my (genuine) friend. Very few people fit my standards and I am most likely considered elitist and these factors make it very hard to me to make friends by default.

Sadly I'm sort of indifferent to other people at (mostly) times and as a result yes I've probably hurt people (mostly if not always) unintntionally at times. I'm a natural loner (also 5 enneagram) which I am content with and I do not see my lack of social skills as a personal disadvantage (though pragmatically speaking it is a disadvantage for me).
some day you should open your mind a bit, i mean, you should just be friends with whoever wants to be friends with you, and not shut them out simply because they're "a douche"...there is a lot more to people than A. you see upon first judgment of them, and B. than their negative traits (i.e the person may be a douchenozzle or whatever you consider "bad" but they may have many traits you consider "good", or just have one big "good" trait you're looking for in a person.)
It's not "settling", it's "accepting, appreciating, and loving"
you've gotta love others for others to love you. seems to me like you moreso dislike others, generally speaking.
 
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some day you should open your mind a bit, i mean, you should just be friends with whoever wants to be friends with you, and not shut them out simply because they're "a douche"...there is a lot more to people than A. you see upon first judgment of them, and B. than their negative traits (i.e the person may be a douchenozzle or whatever you consider "bad" but they may have many traits you consider "good", or just have one big "good" trait you're looking for in a person.)
It's not "settling", it's "accepting, appreciating, and loving"
you've gotta love others for others to love you. seems to me like you moreso dislike others, generally speaking.
Perhaps, but idealists tend to have higher standards for friends and romantic partners, and unhealthy INFP's (like me :unsure:) might have difficulty interacting with and relating to people who don't meet these high standards.

To quote Thom Yorke, "You will never make friends unless you like everyone genuinely. Oh well, I'm fucked then aren't I?"
 
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Weird. Isn't it an INFP thing to be able to see both the good and bad sides in other people?

I tend to label everyone as "awesome" until proven otherwise and still I'd have something good to say about them(there have been some exceptions though). Still this doesn't help me open up, it's so fucking annoying lol...
 

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....I would also be curious to know if any INFPs unintentionally, on occasion, make some people mad or hurt....]


Oh yeah, I probably did by not wanting to come over their house and such. I always was so happy to entertain myself most of the time, do my own thing, so to say. I love the freedom that comes with leaving myself up to my own devices.

I came across a very old answering machine tape the other day (from the middle 80's I think) & there were many friend's voices on it saying "________ are you there? I'm coming over, CALL ME!" or "...I have 3 new videos, do you want to come over... " or "__________ are you there? Stop hiding!"

lol..... I'm going to say something in my response here and I hope it's not taken too badly but, I think in some way people get attached to me for whatever reasons, then want to continue the interactions a little more than I want to. I actually liked being with my friends and doing things with them -- but not as much as they did -- and then I think they took it personally. I think many times I was upfront & told them I prefer contact with friends maybe once or twice a year (maybe a bit more .. :blushed: .. ) ... but I don't think they were listening.

Right now I have one husband and 2 best friends that I am pretty sure are there for life. All three of them have weathered the storms & hazing process & remain..... well, standing.
 
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