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Okay, so I'm going to call this person "X" to conceal its identity. X is an INTJ if it's any help.

It is currently in very deep shit. X is in a process of moving to another place.

We are in love with each other and are currently committed to a relationship. Being myself (bad tendency to become insecure; typical INFPs!), I tend to worry about the past and about the future. That because of the distance we are unable to stay together for a very long time... not just spiritually, but it's been assured more than one time that I'm never leaving X anytime soon or even when I go to college. I was being sincere with X with my feelings. The intent was nothing than venting how I felt.

Last night X contacted me and threw its anguished frustration at me, feeling like I was questioning X's love. X felt like it was trying too hard to please me. X felt like every turn it took would hurt me which was very, very distressing. X felt like it was over-expanding energy on our relationship which, to X, seems to be just crumbling in grief.

It's perfectly understandable. X is going through hardships in its life right now. So it's natural for X to feel stressed out with another responsibility.

But I was astounded and upset. I never meant to question X's love, to peg X as not good enough. It is about /me/, not X. It was my own issue which I've been working on. Nothing was X's fault. I was just only sharing my thoughts and feelings... (it could be that it was a wrong action).

It seems like X simply can't tolerate frustration.

Not only that, but at the same time X declared that it couldn't do it anymore, it was "too much". I wanted to shake X to snap out of it. How could I work on resolving our issues if X wanted to give it up altogether, so quick!

I love X. It's so painful, so distressing, so upsetting. I have never felt so scared and helpless though I did not let X see me that. In fact, I've already reassured X many times. That I will be here. To listen to X. To work through things together. To talk like a friend, which X felt like our conversations were deprived of.


Is this my fault? I should not have said some parts, I knew that. But I just couldn't go back and pretend nothing happened. And I'm so angry at myself. I do not want X to hurt itself anymore than it already does.

I feel like I keep messing everything up. I am so afraid I've said some fatefully wrong things. To ask X to be understanding and sympathetic is simply too much for it, so I find myself in a tough spot.


What should I do? What is the best way I can do for X and for myself? What is the best way I can do to help X as not to make our relationship worsen? And not to make X feel stressed out even more? :sad:
 

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I'm not sure I solidly understand the situation here, but let me ask, is X moving for certain, then? From what I've known from INTJs is that if their life becomes overloaded with emotions that confuse them, they might seek refuge in their non-relationship pursuits to help ground them again. If your relationship has become very emotional too quickly, it may be more than X can handle. Have you talked and listened at length to X about their goals and perspectives on a relationship and in their life surrounding a relationship? I think you should have a conversation with low emotional intensity for the purpose of asking and finding out what X really needs and wants. By doing that, you'll probably be better prepared to understand what you need. Right now it sounds up in the air. Like I said before, when INTJs have hectic things going on in their lives, sometimes the last thing they want is a lot of confusing emotions on top of that which may disorient them even further. To me it sounds like X needs support, and the emotions directed at X should be emotions of support, so that emotion will be associated with support and congruency with their needs.

Have you figured out what you yourself need indepedently? Anger at yourself will not help. Consider any mistakes, whatever they may be, as learning experiences. X hasn't been perfect either, right? You are both learning.
 

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Hrm, I think I got a grasp of it, but not entirely sure.

The main issue seems to be with X going through a big transition in their life. In many cases this can be both thrilling and psychologically daunting (scary). I think your reference to never leaving X "anytime soon" or even when you go to college, is a form of guilt tripping, --although I recognize that was not your intent--.

At first glance, that suggests you may feel that X doesn't care as much about you as you do of them. In another breath, it seems almost dismissive of the emotional turmoil X may be going through right now. In these cases, people will either vent in frustration back OR will clam up, but brood resentment.

I see where you were going with your thoughts though, and I would generally feel the same way within my mind. I have hopes and dreams for a career and even certain adventures, but I value love more than anything else. If we feel that someone else is like that then we may, consciously or not, question their commitment to us.

Anyways, my recommendation is that you write X a letter (or email) and explain you weren't intending to guilt trip them. Recognize the emotional stress that are likely going through and apologize. I don't particularly think it's a matter of right and wrong because fault can always be displaced, but the point is that there needs to be a confession of sorts form both sides. At the end of it, be -supportive- and re-affirm your love and commitment.

That's my interpretation at least.
 
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