[Angel1412kaitou]

So...I've considered myself a "freaK" for several years before I knew about MBTI.
Life as a child was relatively difficult, with my parents being ESTJ's, and my dad being a very unhealthy and abusive one.
I've forgiven him always, but there are aftereffects.
I don't know...
I'm sorry for being so selfish, I don't want to be a burden.
But I can't think right now and I need advice, I won't do anything drastic...
So...
I've felt like a robot for the past 3 years, whereas before I was extremely passionate, if rather suicidal and possibly depressed. Maybe severe depression. The guilt finally ended, but now I'm a robot.
I don't know, being emotionless isn't my ideal but I can't find anyway/back then.
Now, it' s evaporating...I can cry again, and I'm terified.
There's no one who will listen in rl, and the one's who might have enough problems in their lives.
I can't just be another problem.
Any way anyone else ever experienced this and what happened?
Emotioneless or overlydepressed, which should is better pick?

I'm sorry if I don't make any sense, I can't think right now, I haven't cried in a while and this is my first itme.
Any reponse is enough to make em happy, anything

 

[bobdaduck]

I see a classic example of a glass filled halfway with water.

I could see myself as a freak... But I've always simply thought of myself as unique.

We're all here, willing to listen to you and give advise. my mom's ESTJ, so I can relate. I do feel your pain. I went through a period of depression for... It couldn't have been more then three days, but it feels longer. I felt at loss of harmony and like joy was hollow. It was not a nice place to be.

There are always people who will help you... Always people who care. Asking someone for help is not pushy or clingy, and many would see it for what it is... A cry for help from the emotional pit of despair.

I encourage you to press forward... Maybe find some things that make you happy, and dwell upon them.

 

[Jompson]

I haven't been in the exact same situation, but I've hit rock bottom. Depressed, yeah. Suicidal, yeah. Hopeless situations enhanced with the drug Accutane, ugh.

I totally know what you mean about being emotionless. At one point I thought I had become sociopathic, just because of my complete lack of caring about anyone else. During my worst days I would literally have to tell myself just to take life day by day, and hope that things would get better.

May sound weird, but I'm kind of glad life beat the crap out of me and laughed while it did. In a sick way, it put my usual everyday troubles into perspective - freed me, sort of. I quit getting upset with minor inconveniences or rude people. Of course life becomes routine again and little problems become greater. Still, depth of character comes from trials - I know that now. I think "roboting up" is just our natural way of coping. Don't know if this helps or is even coherent. Stupid TV is distracting me.

Godspeed.

 

[katerp]

I had a similar experience about 5 or 6 years ago when in the middle of a depression I just started feeling empty and numb. Some psychological theorists hypothesize that depression may be an adaptation that serves to help you recognize when there is a problem and inhibits you from taking taking part in other activities so you'll focus on trying to solve the problem leading to your bad feelings. I think in the same way when the bad feelings get so intense that they become overwhelming and dangerous your mind activates a defense mechanism that just shuts down your emotions until you're able to deal with them again. I know that's what happened to me. I was so unable to deal with what was going on with me that my emotions just went away and I began looking at everything in purely logical terms. I was like a computer processing objective information. I guess it's similar to how people pass out from pain sometimes, like their bodies shut down for no other reason than to spare them suffering.

If you're now at the point when the feelings come flooding back and you're crying, this may sound strange but I think that's good. I think you're making progress. You're at the point when your mind thinks you're capable of dealing with your issues head on. I think you're past the worst of it and on the way to getting better. I'm not sure exactly what is causing your depression, so I don't know what specific advice I can give. You mentioned having a difficult childhood and an abusive parent and I'm sorry you had to go through that. Now I hope you can find peace knowing that childhood is behind you and that you're not a "freak" and your future is completely yours to make what you want of it.

But for now just cry and let out all that stuff that's bubbling up at the surface. Once you don't feel like crying anymore find happier things to distract yourself with for a while and give your mind a break from the negativity. Try to get in touch with some of your happier feelings, even if it's only for a couple of hours while you watch a funny movie. Trust me, just allowing yourself to laugh and reminding yourself that you can be happy even just for a short time can be tremendously helpful. If you think you need it some professional help may be beneficial. I know depression feels all-consuming, but just try to keep in mind that it will eventually pass and in time you will feel like yourself again.

 

[xezene]

I've felt like a robot for the past 3 years, whereas before I was extremely passionate, if rather suicidal and possibly depressed. Maybe severe depression. The guilt finally ended, but now I'm a robot.
I don't know, being emotionless isn't my ideal but I can't find anyway/back then.
Now, it' s evaporating...I can cry again, and I'm terrified.
There's no one who will listen in rl, and the one's who might have enough problems in their lives.
I can't just be another problem.

Any way anyone else ever experienced this and what happened?

From what you've described, it is all-too eerily familiar to me. Yes, I have experienced this, however, during a very dark time in my life.

Emotionless or overly-depressed, which is a better pick?

I wish I could help you, and tell you the right thing so you would feel better. But I'm not sure if I have an answer. I remember how awful it was for me to be 'emotionless,' as you put it, and I live with the memory quite often still. 'Overly-depressed' I unfortunately have much experience in as well -- had certain events not happened to me, and I had not discovered certain things, I may not be here on this forum right now, or anywhere for that matter.

But what I'd like to tell you is that there is hope. Hope comes in the most unexpected of places. I guess it sounds like we are coming from the same kind of perspective on this, which is rather comforting (at least for me) to know someone else has gone through something similar. You have a good deal of heart to be able to let other people into your story. Hearing your words now means a lot to me. I have a hard time, even years later, discussing my events, because I don't think people would understand. I think a key part, for me anyway, was understanding that I deal with simply darker things than some other people. And there are people who probably deal with darker things than me. I just had be able to be okay with me.

I came from a situation in which I thought there was no hope. Everything I cared about, every person I loved, was ripped from me, in some fashion. But -- if you take nothing else from this post, this is most important -- your feelings do matter. You are a legitimate part of everything that is, even if you don't realize it (I didn't realize it). In the whole universe...there is only one Angel1412kaitou:happy:. And that is all there will ever be -- you are one of a kind.

For every person who has ever told you it is wrong to feel, there are 5 psychiatrists taking care of those emotional basket-cases. It's more than okay to be who you are -- it's just natural!

I hope this post helps, even in some tiny way, and I really hope everything for you turns out blissfully, and you find the right answer for you. :happy:

 

[bluemaverick]

I personally had nervous breakdowns, constant burnouts, and almost went towards suicide a number of times between the ages of say 9 to 22 years old. I know what its like to be a mess and think the world is ending, like being kicked when you're down over and over and over again.
I also know what its like when its your parents, who usually either make whatever problem you have worse or the cause of the problem.
I had these problems constantly until I started working inward, with meditation, inner compassion and acceptance. Now I no longer feel the outside world is there to just irritate me immensely.
All I can say is there is nothing wrong with you, despite what everyone tells you. You are a kind spirit and a warm soul. I hope you feel better. Find the goodness inside of you because it is there.

 

[bluemaverick]

Sorry, wrote the same thing.

 

[Tommy]

Never as a freak, but always 'out of sync' with other people.

 

[Isildin]

I used to feel i was weird and a freak, although i've learned to accept that different does not make you any worse then anyone else.

I hope you pick the options you didn't list: acceptance and happiness.

... and this is where i usually feel that i should make some kind of lame joke;
"Because you're worth it" (lame joke aside, you are )

 

[starflower]

I've been through exactly the same thing. My father is also unhealthy extreme ESTJ - "And everyone else should be, too!" Periods of intense emotions - positive and negative - and periods of apathetic numbness. But each of those periods ended, sometimes painfully, and I think I've pulled through a better person. I can totally empathise with you, but I have no advice, except, maybe, just hold on. Someone or something will come along and catch your interest. At least that is what has happened for me. Then I am filled with passion again.

It might be good to see a counselor, but I've not had much luck finding good ones. But we are here for you. Not the same as friends irl, but we do the best we can. (((hugs)))

 

[Lucyintheskyyy]

it all seems pointless, doesn't it? living sucks when you can't feel the life.
don't concentrate on the emptiness. no wait. concentrate on it. assume the position of a T function, go to a cafe like starbucks etc., and observe the people, and observe what you observe. I think you will start to defrost after a little while, because you will start to make up stories about their lives (or maybe thats me) and empathize with them.
after that, go on a bike ride around the town and feel the wind on your face and the freedom and feel the urge to laugh, while nobody is watching. its a wonderful feeling.

 

[Lucyintheskyyy]

i get this a lot. i wake up and I feel like I am being separated from the rest of the world, they can't hear me or see me, and i feel separated from myself...

 

[Clouded]