In a sense, yes, but I don't exactly feel wrong about it. I definitely feel loathsome by my lack of acceptance, but I can conclusively reason that it's not my fault. However, the guilt of another person being dissatisfied with me tends to linger on, since my prior experiences left me feeling the same.
Ok, the definition of guilt I was going by was feeling that you did something morally wrong. I can see what you mean now.
The perfectionism on top of that doesn't help because I constantly want to improve myself, and it ties in with past experiences of failure, which have always had negative consequences for me (parental upbringing) so I always associate failure with defection. So I can rationalize fine with the idea that i'm not in the wrong, but my emotions and my brain always seem to be at opposite ends. But yes, I feel my identity is literally a conglomerate of all the projections towards me that i've grown up with, from strangers, family, and friends.
Ok I think you need to get rid of all of these projections and just be yourself. This seems a little bit off to me. Find yourself if you don't know who you are, because you can't really be what other people think you're supposed to be.
I discover new things about people all the time. They don't always live up to stereotypes and stuff.
Yes, unless I happen to be alone and isolated to my own thoughts and research where I rely on my brain rather than my emotions. However, my emotions are always on even if I don't focus on it, so the thoughts will always be there even if i push it to the side for a higher priority. Sooo..even then I guess it does affect me even when i'm away from it all.
Alrighty, keep in mind that no one has the power to control your happiness. You can choose to be happy. Really happy. Find gratitude if anything else. I've had a bit of the depression thing like you, and it took me a really long time to find happiness in myself and in the small things. You really have to change your mindset, and it takes a while. Especially because of the extroverted feeling. But I've learned to direct the extroverted feeling into helping other people to help themselves to be happy instead of changing myself for them so they can be happy. Remember, they're in charge of their own happiness too.
Yes, I become very self conscious about it, and dwelling causes more self loathing so I may have to sleep some of the stress off and see how I feel later on.
Another trick is to not dwell on it. It's so hard to do, but what helps is to do something extroverted. If the extroverted feeling is causing you grief, try doing some extroverted sensing stuff. Distract yourself, don't dwell on it. If you need to get your emotions out, write them down. Then go do something else. Emotions usually do have a peak, so it's good to not completely evaluate them and share them with the world until time passes, like after you've slept. After some time you can evaluate them better.
I'm seeing lots of fear of what other people think.
Most of the time, yes, as most of the time they will claim that i'm annoying them (sometimes by the fact that I might laugh a lot or that I generally show exuberance). Usually I can tell when someone is already irritable so I would know not to bother them, however, sometimes just me being around them can set them off (which I can only assume is because of my positive attitude, because I usually keep physical distance from people and don't touch them at all to respect their space, and I don't talk to someone that is upset with the fear that I may become the ragdoll for their rage).
With this behavior I'm seeing lots of avoidance. I'm seeing lots of avoidance with negative feelings in other people. Also, you somehow have it in your head that it's not good for people to see these negative feelings within you also.
So generally no they're not irritable before I talk to them, and if I become aware of someone that lets me know that they're not in the mood, then I steer clear. So majority of the time i'm the annoyance to them. So I may try to mentally take steps to prevent annoying another person the same way (if I am convinced that it was me directly), and eventually it still becomes a problem.
So I see more avoidance in this part. Why is this still a problem? Is it just feeling like you can't act a certain way because of past reactions?
I'm assuming this is with peers and not with parents.
I tend to have these thoughts when reflecting but the feeling I have towards myself will still be there, like an antagonist in disguise. And even though I don't get reminded of the past too much it tends to reoccur when a feeling triggers a memory (usually at the dwelling part). It may not be my fault or my responsibility but the things that are said or the facial reaction that people may have will stick in my mind for days, weeks even.
Same here. Just keep thinking positively, and it will get better with time. Thoughts become more than just thoughts with time. Don't dwell too much on the past. Again if it still bothers you, if a certain situation keeps bothering you, then write it out. Writing feelings and thoughts really helps our extroverted feeling express itself.
By assertive I mean trying to speak for myself and defend my place if I feel that i'm being unfairly accused or disrespected. I try to be polite and defending my points while still taking their views into perspective, but if i'm not being serious enough to get my point across to their heads they will try to invalidate me. And if I try to be more serious but let them know that I respect their point, they may still get hurt or upset, leaving me feeling guilty for sharing my thoughts.
If they're ending up hurt, make sure that you aren't attacking them. Don't feel guilty for sharing your thoughts, just take those experiences and learn from them to share your thoughts differently for the future. If it's feeling based, then something good to say is: "I am_____ when you did this." (ex. I am sad whenever you guys go out to eat without me.) Again just throwing that out there, I'm not sure if you need that fill in the blank right now. I'm not very assertive myself, so I may not be the best person to ask about that. Just remember to not attack, and keep validating their point of view when needed.
Aside from my parents, nope. But you can tell by how they react to certain things, maybe one day I want to be my genuine self, and they will think that something is wrong.
It should be fine if it's your parents, just as long as they aren't too extreme. I know parents have certain expectations for their kids, and some are a little more overwhelming than others. Just keep doing the best you can.
Umm, if you're genuine self is depressed, then they will naturally think something is wrong when that behavior is showing up. If your genuine self is more quirky, then they might take that as a surprise. I'm not sure what your genuine self is, so I'm just making guesses based on the reaction you provided me.
This part kind of confuses me.
Or that i'm not being "myself". While this may be my fault for portraying something different than what I was, it was not entirely a false self as my demeanor is similar when i'm genuinely happy, but I portray this to others when I don't know them well, so they are not overwhelmed by my inner emotions and thoughts when I present them.
ok I think you've gotta stop portraying a false self. I was raised to be completely and totally honest in everything I did, so I've pretty much learned to be honest in all my feelings and such. If someone's not ready for the full me yet, I hold it back, but I don't lie about it. I don't portray myself as anything different than what I am and I don't have your problem, so you might want to try being yourself.
Just know that you can't be completely vulnerable with everyone. Strangers and acquaintances, no. Don't worry about sharing too much of yourself with them. Friends, you can share a little more. Really good and best friends, you can share even more.
I have a hard time sharing all my thoughts with even my closest friends. I find with some I can share some things, with others I can share other things. It's not everything at once with one person very often. I imagine you can share most everything with a significant other, though. Remember to only share what people are ready for. If they aren't self disclosing much with you, don't self disclose much with them.
But even when friends get closer, the idea that i'm always happy or always energetic and positive stays in their minds (which is generally the opposite of how i'm always feeling), which leads me to feel that I misled them.
I don't think this is a realistic way to live. Back to the fear of negativity that I mentioned above. You're not a robot, you can't be expected to be 100% happy all the time. Maybe in some groups this is the way of thinking though, if all people are expected to be happy all the time. It should be your friend's job to give you a boost when you're feeling sad. If you complain that you're sad all the time, then I can see when you'd need to hide it a little then.
Even when i'm not in a good mood i'm always nudged and spoken to like I NEED to say a joke or give them the signal that i'm okay, which is usually the case because if I say i'm not really in the mood I tend to ruin the whole atmosphere and mess up the night for everybody.
Remember that they chose to be disappointed in your behavior,and they need to understand when you're not in the mood and need to be aware of your feelings. I feel like I ruin the atmosphere too sometimes, and those are times when I've been extroverting a lot and I just need to be alone. Ideally I'd communicate this, they'd understand, and I'd either become more quiet, or leave.
In a sense my behavior determines how they will feel while hanging out and this brings me more guilt so I just portray the false positivism continuously. And take note that they know I suffer from depression and perpetual negative thoughts but they still are convinced it's not my personality, even when i've blatantly told them that this is how I've always been and that the mask is fake.
Misunderstandings are hard. Lots of INFJs on here will say that they aren't completely understood by everyone they know either.
I know this, and that's why it's such a problem for me as well. In a sense my perfectionism and desire to satisfy others' needs leaves me in a state of constant guilt and shame because it will never be enough to make these people truly happy.
So back to the thing I said up there, try to not change yourself to meet other's needs. Just try to help them meet their own needs. (I'm assuming this is with peers, not parents.)
This also stems from parental/family expectations that I could never achieve and thus felt like I failed/disappointed/disgraced them and do not even deserve to breathe the same air as them. I can never be the person that they wanted because of my defection; that is what my emotions tell me, but my mind says that it's their fault for expecting too much of me and wanting me to be something that I could never be.
I don't know what your family life is like, or what they say to you, just remember that you aren't defected because you have failed. You are perfect the way you are, just keep being yourself and keep doing your best.
Even with that, somewhere in some shallow space of my mind, I want to make them happy and accept me by reaching that expectation, even if it's just a fantasy because i wouldn't be me. So in a general sense it hurts that they can't acknowledge me unless I go by their standards, this goes for friends and family alike. However, it also hurts that i'm so incompatible with their standards that I can't be the person to reach it.
Don't change yourself for others. I've learned that the hard way. Sometimes you have to choose who you want to please, even if that person is yourself.
I don't know what those standards are that you and your parents hold yourself to, but if it seems like too much, then talk to them about it if you haven't already. If you feel like you need to and it's stressing you out, talk to them. See if something can be helped.
With peers, friendships should be easy. It shouldn't be this big thing to try to please people all the time.
I think I've understood you right, let me know if anything seems off.
If you want to add any more info to this, go for it.