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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I know one INFP and she definitely fits the bill, excessively immature and emotional with the most redundant of things. What I'm wondering is if anyone else has been in a situation where someone has confronted them or called them out for being emotionally needy or prone to over-dramatizing a situation to get attention. And how does it make you feel?
 

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No one has ever called me high maintenance. I am extremely low maintenance.

Now, I know that my emotional processing can be tiring for some people, so I get lots of people telling me I "think too much". But I am very aware of the potential of overloading people in that way and I am careful not to go there with people who can't go there with me.

Did you call your friend out? How did she react? Or maybe you are planning to?

This next part is irrelevant to your situation, but it took me a while to type it, so I'm keeping it. *cough, cough* I mean, bonus insight into the INFP mind follows...

I don't get people calling me out for a lot of things. I once had someone close to me suggest that I was judgemental, but honestly their assessment was coming much more from their own perception than a realistic assessment of me. I was mostly hurt that after knowing each for so long, they didn't really understand me. I've gotten feedback from a few people along the lines of, "I can't be mad at you." The idea that people might have legitimate feelings of anger that they feel they can't express to me is what I find disconcerting.
 

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Never heard this expressed to me either. My father straight told me once, "Son, your Achilles Heel is that you're too laid back"

My room is pretty bare, I like it like that. I just want a car that can move from point A to point B, who cares about the features? The food sucks? So what, it's a meal, and I'll eat it without fuss. There's a mess to clean up? It's a job that must be done, and I'll be the first to start the process.

I feel as though I've done a lot and catered to people far more than I have for myself. I've never had a teenage drama moment. Part of the reason I'm so reserved is because I don't want to be considered "high maintenance." That would mean causing conflict, and man, I just want no part in that...


Everyone's different of course, and I cannot speak for INFP's. All I know is that as an INFP on a personal level, I feel rather the opposite to this descriptor.
 

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I've only been told I was high maintenance by one person, and that is none other than my INTJ cousin. But my high maintenance is not defined in the same vein as to what you are referring to (not relevant to this thread so I will not go into detail).

I'm not emotionally needy at all. If anything, I much prefer people to just leave me alone to my own thoughts and feelings before I send an avalanche their way. And I'm only guilty of emotional dumpings if I'm really close to you. Even then, I'm cognizant about the other person's threshold so as not to tire them with my "feelings." And I abhor drama. My internal emotional state is constantly in knots, so I much prefer a serene external environment, lol.

But I can definitely see how some INFPs can be considered as needy and seeking constant affirmation and confirmation. Perhaps this has much to do with age and maturity though.
 

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No one has ever called me high maintenance. I am extremely low maintenance.

Now, I know that my emotional processing can be tiring for some people, so I get lots of people telling me I "think too much". But I am very aware of the potential of overloading people in that way and I am careful not to go there with people who can't go there with me.

Did you call your friend out? How did she react? Or maybe you are planning to?

This next part is irrelevant to your situation, but it took me a while to type it, so I'm keeping it. *cough, cough* I mean, bonus insight into the INFP mind follows...

I don't get people calling me out for a lot of things. I once had someone close to me suggest that I was judgemental, but honestly their assessment was coming much more from their own perception than a realistic assessment of me. I was mostly hurt that after knowing each for so long, they didn't really understand me. I've gotten feedback from a few people along the lines of, "I can't be mad at you." The idea that people might have legitimate feelings of anger that they feel they can't express to me is what I find disconcerting.
Yeah, I really can't say I've been called high-maintenance, either. I've had people tell me I care too much about things and that I overthink things, but I've never been called high-maintenance. I also tend to hide my emotions (sometimes they all spill out, but that hasn't happened in front of people in years), so a lot of people don't know the depth of what I'm feeling, or even what I'm feeling. I can be immature and overdramatic when I'm acting in front of a camera or joking around with people, but regularly behaving in such a manner is rather uncharacteristic of me and the other INFPs I know.

If you call her out, expect passive-aggressiveness. I mean, flat out telling someone their flaws is enough to make anyone feel hurt, let alone an INFP, especially an unhealthy one (which is what it sounds like you have on your hands). I mean, when I'm criticized, I can keep a cool head when I'm in a good mood, but most of the time, I act passive-aggressively but internalize most of my shame, thinking about all I've done wrong. She may think about it for days and take it all to heart, though, so keep in mind how much this may affect her internally.

And @Wayside, I understand how difficult and unsettling such a situation is. I used to have people tell me that when I was a troublemaker back in middle school, and I thought nothing of it back then, but now I can see where you would totally feel perturbed.
 
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No. I've been called lots of things, but I've never been called high maintenance, and no one has ever told me I over-dramatize things. I sometimes feel like I am and do, but no one's ever told me that.

I imagine if anyone called me those things in the OP, I'd be pissed.

As @Wayside said--I also feel like a lot of times, that name calling is really more of a reflection of the other person's perception, and I usually feel misunderstood at the end of it, because it feels like being reduced into some silly caricature, while invalidating my actual feelings, motivations, and experiences.

I prefer it when people take responsibility for their feelings instead of using labels or calling names, but I am not perfect at it either, though I try to abstain from name calling in intimate relationships (I think I usually succeed too).
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
By "High Maintenance" I mean INFPs are overly idealistic at times and expect to much from situations. Like one time I was slow dancing with one, and she had eyes everywhere except on me. Constantly fixing her long dress so that it was not in my way or anyone else's way. Worry too much about how she looked to even enjoy the moment, and it took a lot to convince her that I was having a good time with it. Being aloof of everything except the real situation can be draining on that person, and make them extremely crabby or frustrated easily out of sheer disappointment.
 

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Nope. Not at all.

Some people mistake my Ne-tendencies (i.e., staring off into space, being unable to organize my thoughts, etc.) as stupidity or immaturity but never high maintenance.

The girl you were slow dancing with was probably just insecure. I doubt that it has anything to do with her being an INFP. I can picture a lot of girls doing this type of thing, especially if they were nervous.
 

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By "High Maintenance" I mean INFPs are overly idealistic at times and expect to much from situations. Like one time I was slow dancing with one, and she had eyes everywhere except on me. Constantly fixing her long dress so that it was not in my way or anyone else's way. Worry too much about how she looked to even enjoy the moment, and it took a lot to convince her that I was having a good time with it. Being aloof of everything except the real situation can be draining on that person, and make them extremely crabby or frustrated easily out of sheer disappointment.
Ah, thanks for clarifying. I think some of us just try so hard to please others that it ends up being too much for everyone. Like, if I mess up on the slightest little thing, I apologize, and my friends have gotten annoyed with that quality of me before. In the end, I just end up feeling bad about it, so I see where you're coming from there.

I have this INFP friend who's in musical theatre at my school, and she's one of my best friends that I love to death, but she's just so hard on herself that it pains me to hear her talk about how much she suffers from the stress she puts on herself with each audition (she is really good, but I wish she didn't get so stressed). She's always so concerned with impressing her teachers and being seen as competent, which I think can be an INFP trait (I act the same way, in that regard). I've told her that she's good and that she really needs to stop worrying about it, and she seemed to appreciate my concern.

To be honest, if you do confront someone about it, treat it like a suggestion for their own good. They'll appreciate that you at least care about them. They may get upset about their flaws being noticed, but at least they will understand that you care. I'd disagree about being aloof to everything except the situation, but I'm sure some of us can be idealistic worriers at times.
 

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Ah, thanks for clarifying. I think some of us just try so hard to please others that it ends up being too much for everyone. Like, if I mess up on the slightest little thing, I apologize, and my friends have gotten annoyed with that quality of me before. In the end, I just end up feeling bad about it, so I see where you're coming from there.

I have this INFP friend who's in musical theatre at my school, and she's one of my best friends that I love to death, but she's just so hard on herself that it pains me to hear her talk about how much she suffers from the stress she puts on herself with each audition (she is really good, but I wish she didn't get so stressed). She's always so concerned with impressing her teachers and being seen as competent, which I think can be an INFP trait (I act the same way, in that regard). I've told her that she's good and that she really needs to stop worrying about it, and she seemed to appreciate my concern.

To be honest, if you do confront someone about it, treat it like a suggestion for their own good. They'll appreciate that you at least care about them. They may get upset about their flaws being noticed, but at least they will understand that you care. I'd disagree about being aloof to everything except the situation, but I'm sure some of us can be idealistic worriers at times.
This is definitely the answer I am looking for. It is very hard to mention this at all to an INFP because ENTPs are all about confronting issues head-on and going straight to the point. But apparently this type of thing can give other personality types a panic attack. Sometimes all I hear from my friend is "Sorry! Um, does it concern or affect you at all? Sorry I'm worried. Worry worry."
 

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Just my opinion but your friend doesn't necessarily sound high-maintenance to me. Perhaps self-conscious by what you have described but I don't know if I see this as being 'high-maintenance.' As well, I think anyone can show signs of a certain trait without warranting the label. That being said I'm only going from what is being described, and I know I likely don't know the whole situation. Just wanted to point that out to give a different possible reason behind what you are describing.

Also, as your intent is to help her, why is this important to you? You're speaking to the idea of wanting her to enjoy the moment more (from what I'm reading) so perhaps you can frame it that way. It seems you care about her so I don't think it's a bad thing to mention that as well. I'd say it's probably better to deliver this sort of message from a place of care, concern & positive feedback (as much as you can). I think it's less likely to put someone on the defense so to speak. (Also, just another little note--if a person is as conscious of others as you have described her to be, they can also often be very caring and considerate of those around them).

Anyhow, no I haven't been called 'high-maintenance.' I've generally been seen as more 'laid back.' That being said, I've been called a few other things-- 'opinionated' and 'stubborn' are a few that come to mind :p. I like to think of those as compliments though...
 

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I've never been called high maintenance, although if I look too closely at myself I could call myself high maintenance, haha. Are long mornings, semi-occasional trips to the liquor store, and the occasional compliment considered too needy? :laughing:
@Lifehacker some of us actually like it when we have a Thinker around to point out BS*. We many initially appear butthurt, but it's good in the long run. I married a feeler, but like having thinkers around (not exclusively) for friends.

*not saying feelers can't point out BS too...
 

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By "High Maintenance" I mean INFPs are overly idealistic at times and expect to much from situations. Like one time I was slow dancing with one, and she had eyes everywhere except on me. Constantly fixing her long dress so that it was not in my way or anyone else's way. Worry too much about how she looked to even enjoy the moment, and it took a lot to convince her that I was having a good time with it. Being aloof of everything except the real situation can be draining on that person, and make them extremely crabby or frustrated easily out of sheer disappointment.
You were there, but I would interpret what you're describing as possibly stemming from insecurity, anxiety, or self-consciousness. Not being in the moment because she's worrying about too much. But if she's picking apart everything around her and very crabby or frustrated, then I can see how that would be uncomfortable to be around.

I was slow dancing with someone once, and they kept spinning me around really fast and stepping on my toes. And I tried to pretend I didn't notice. Then, when I went outside with my close friend I started doing the bunny hop by myself, and a teacher asked my friend if I was developmentally disabled. lol

Insecurity is tough to deal with, especially for the person suffering from it--someone above suggested to approach it from the position of care for her happiness and wanting her to have a good time. Perhaps you could ask what could be done differently that would make the situation more enjoyable and comfortable to her...that might get her thinking about solutions instead of fretting about problems.
 

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"emotionally needy or prone to over-dramatizing a situation to get attention." Oh god NO. I'm probably the opposite of high maintenance. I HATE dependence, I love independence and self-sufficiency, I HATE asking for help or *taking*, I view it as WEAK. I hate attention.

From Beatrice Chestnut, I really relate:

 

Self-Preservation Fives have a need for clearly defined boundaries...

This personality is the clearest expression of the archetype of isolation and introversion...

...they learn to survive inside walls-and they want to have everything inside those walls so that they don’t have to venture out into the world...

...Self-Preservatino Fives also focus a great deal of attention on how to survive free from the limitation of external shocks or surprises....
...The Self-Preservation Five is the most withdrawn of the Fives, and, as a natural part of renouncing needs and wants, they try to get by on very little, especially when it comes to the emotional support that relationships provide...
...Self-Preservation Fives limit their needs and wants because they believe that every desire could open the door to their becoming dependent on others. Desires, then, are either sublimated in specific interests or activities or erased from consciousness. Self-Preservation Fives “live little,” meaning they get by with few resources, which amounts to living small or poorly...

...Naranjo explains that, normally, people have some ability to say, “I want that” -to express desires and do the work they need to do to get what they want - but these Fives cannot ask and cannot take. So they must rely on preserving what they are able to acquire themselves...

...In relationships with others, Self-Preservation Fives avoid creating expectations or dependent relationships...
 

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By "High Maintenance" I mean INFPs are overly idealistic at times and expect to much from situations. Like one time I was slow dancing with one, and she had eyes everywhere except on me. Constantly fixing her long dress so that it was not in my way or anyone else's way. Worry too much about how she looked to even enjoy the moment, and it took a lot to convince her that I was having a good time with it. Being aloof of everything except the real situation can be draining on that person, and make them extremely crabby or frustrated easily out of sheer disappointment.
Maybe because she wasn't used to the dress. I get overly insecure when wearing a dress or wearing makeup, makes me naturally try to 'fix' things or think that all eyes are on me.
 

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People do say that I have high standards, too hard on myself, and nothing ever seems to fit my ideals. But since most of the criticism from other people are usually harsher than what is actually needed for me, they end up making things worse for me. I offer endless apologies and it annoys the hell out of them. Haha.

The perfect example would be how I want things to turn out whenever our band performs. I think I ask for too much when I want everyone to give their best and to match my passion for the music we're playing.

"Hey, the distortion shouldn't be that loud!" "
"Ryan, can you... play it faster? If you want, I can show you how to play that bass line properly!"
"Mik, more feeling! That sounds robotic for a guitar solo!"
"KC, I thought you said you got the hang of double bass drumming?"
"Nikkalei, Kamylle, more emotion. A little less of the falsetto and more on your natural voices if possible."

At least our drummer knows how to tell me not to be too much of a perfectionist when it comes to the band. Haha.

Insecurities, on the other hand...

I'm socially insecure, alright. I went through a phase where I would constantly worry how I would come off compared to others because I so loathed what I've turned into at that point that I wanted to fit in so bad. Super self-conscious for a guy. I kept going on like that until my closest friends pointed out what was wrong. I think I was lucky enough to have my bubble burst gently.
 

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Hm, sometimes, yes.
Or rather, that I annoy others.
But that's usually because they've said or done something that's rude or inappropriate and I call them out on it, therefore, I usually get called a stickler for the rules/ debby downer / whatever fits the bill.
 
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