[infpblog]

So there's a thread about an ENFJ who has a jealous boyfriend. She's trying to come up with something she can do that will make him change his behavior.

So this begs the question: has anyone EVER gotten someone to change their behavior?

I don't think it's possible. You can get someone to want to change. But they have to be willing and open to change themselves. First they have to see their behavior as damaging, but even if they're willing, they might not have the skills or the will to change.

So did you get your significant other to pick up after themselves, stop spending money on stupid crap, stop putting you down, stop taking you for granted, or any of the behavior you saw as clear signs of trouble at the beginning of the relationship but were hoping they would change before it broke you up?

If they didn't change, how long was it before you stopped trying and broke up?

 

[Rainbow]

So there's a thread about an ENFJ who has a jealous boyfriend. She's trying to come up with something she can do that will make him change his behavior.

So this begs the question: has anyone EVER gotten someone to change their behavior?

I don't think it's possible. You can get someone to want to change. But they have to be willing and open to change themselves. First they have to see their behavior as damaging, but even if they're willing, they might not have the skills or the will to change.

So did you get your significant other to pick up after themselves, stop spending money on stupid crap, stop putting you down, stop taking you for granted, or any of the behavior you saw as clear signs of trouble at the beginning relationship but were hoping they would change before it broke you up?

If they didn't change, how long was it before you stop trying and broke up?

i never knew someone could be willing without the will.

to your question: no i never tried to change my partners. usually i would try to change myself if there was a problem in their eyes.

 

[snail]

Nope. I tried to reform an abuser for seven years. I failed, although he did change somewhat so that instead of being quite so physically violent with his fists, near the end of the relationship he increased the intensity and frequency of his psychological violence and his tendency to be controlling, to yell, to isolate me from friends, to have hateful forced sex, and to criticize every little thing I attempted to do instead. I eventually gave up. I liked him better when he was beating me on a daily basis, because his idea of "being cured of his abusive tendencies" was to find other, more destructive outlets for his hostility. It wasn't an improvement, but it eased his conscience. It is possible to change someone's behavior, but not his essence. Now I'm looking for someone who is already compatible, who doesn't need to change in order to avoid harming me. Compatibility ftw.

 

[Stillwater]

The Pygmalion Project.

Amazon.com: The Pygmalion Project, Vol. III: The Idealist (Love & Coercion Among the Types) (9780960695492): Stephen E. Montgomery: Books

I recall Keirsey mentioning it in his books as well. Our idealism makes us especially prone to this.

From a personal standpoint I did engage a lot in this behaviour before becoming aware of it. In my experience a very low percentage of people are capable of making wholesale core changes, if you find yourself unable tolerate them in your partner, it's best just to move on. I also realized some changes that were expected of me were not going to happen either, as adaptable as I may think I am , I couldn't suddenly become the life of the party overnight or constantly keep someone amused, or even pretend to like watching crappy tv, or spend excessive time with their parents, or never be given alone time.

We either have to accept a certain level of differences, or trust the partner will get professional treatment in some cases, or move on, instead of holding on to false beliefs or hopes. It doesn't necessarily have to imply bad or wrong things, which in turn means neither party is faulty, just incompatible.

 

[Lummex]

No. I think it'd be an extremely rare occurance if that happened. And even then, people have to have a desire to change for themselves, it has to come from the depths of themselves. In my opinion, it is almost unheard of and impossible for that to happen while in a serious relationship.

 

[OrangeAppled]

I have a policy that I only date people as-is, without any expectations for them to ever change (in a positive way). This means I break up with them after a few months :crazy:.

 

[rosecolored]

Well, I don't know if she's actually changed as a person, but she's definitely changed in the way she acts towards me. As she gets more comfortable with me and less afraid of the relationship, there's fewer criticisms, she pays more attention to me, etc.

 

[agreenbough]

I'm married to an ESTJ, so, um.....NO.

I do try to change my reactions and see things from his point of view. I'd be upset if he tried to change me, so I don't try to change him. Except from the standpoint of trying to get him to understand why I do the things I do, and vice versa. I think we can modify our behavior to a point, without really changing who we are, in order to get along better and achieve more harmony in our relationships. (Compromise.)

For instance, I can try to be more direct and not expect him to know how I feel about something without being told. He can be more aware of his tone, which freaks me out when I perceive it to be too harsh. I can understand that he prefers logic and explain to him that I tend to make decisions based on feelings. I can expect him to understand this, but I can't expect him to start making decisions based on feelings because that's what I want him to do, when I'm not going to start operating on logic because that's what he wants me to do.

I want to be accepted the way I am. I can't expect that level of acceptance if I'm not willing to give it in return.

Of course, this is all easier said than done. But it seems to me that trying to understand another person's point of view and working for compromise is almost like a blending of feeling and logic. You're being "feeling" about trying to make them happy and trying to get along, and going about it in a logical way by compromising and not always insisting on geting your own way.