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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm an INFJ/ENFJ and I've been 'dating' an ISTP for four months. We'd been in consistent contact even after lockdown stopped us from physically seeing each other: daily messages and 6-hour long phone calls, exchanging Christmas gifts. It had been a week of no contact, so I phoned to ask if he wanted to do something (he lives alone so it would be a bubble). I said that I wanted to know where I stood, that I wasn't asking for a commitment but thought that if we were 'dating' then we should go on some kind of date, even a zoom date, or just not date. He agreed that it made sense and said he really liked me. We went on a walk and I asked what we should do from now on.

He said he wouldn't even be thinking of dating right now in any other scenario because it isn't the time with lockdown, that we'd only been on a few physical dates, he won't be dating anyone else and he doesn't really mind what happens. It wasn't a definite end or continuation. We didn't contact for three weeks so I sent a message saying I hope he is ok in lockdown and I only got a sarcastic response about lockdown back.

I thought we'd gotten close, so why has he suddenly disappeared with ZERO contact when he said he likes me? I understand that lockdown is difficult but I expect some kind or care or respect after all that time. Does he just not like me enough? Is this an ISTP thing or just a lockdown thing? I'm finding it hard to get closure from these few months where I'd formed an attachment when he doesn't provide me with any real closure.

Any ISTP insight or advice would be great!
Thanks
 

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Why don't you ask him about it but don't accuse him anything just yet.

I think he is simply being frustrated with the lockdown not you because if he does not like you he would not even bother to reply.

My advice is be careful of your differences in particular T/F and P/J.
It may lead to wrong judgments.

About the zero contact idk, I have fds I know for decades without any talking for months and years but that doesn't affect our friendship in anyway but I can't say the same for your guy you two have been together for a few months only. Being optimistic I tend to think that's just some misunderstanding as you guys are not familiar with each other.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Why don't you ask him about it but don't accuse him anything just yet.

I think he is simply being frustrated with the lockdown not you because if he does not like you he would not even bother to reply.

My advice is be careful of your differences in particular T/F and P/J.
It may lead to wrong judgments.

About the zero contact idk, I have fds I know for decades without any talking for months and years but that doesn't affect our friendship in anyway but I can't say the same for your guy you two have been together for a few months only. Being optimistic I tend to think that's just some misunderstanding as you guys are not familiar with each other.
Thanks for the response!
 

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He's probably an idiot.

Not joking, any ISTP worth their salt isn't going to look at the current environment and make lifelong decisions based upon media paranoia, as it goes against our grain (we tend to be natural contrarians).

If something seems like a barrier to me, I'm gonna dig into whatever amount of knowledge it takes to make a reasonable risk assessment. A 2% or less risk (depending on your age) is way below the level I'd set for myself for nearly everything that might be worthwhile, although I might use something as an excuse if I wasn't that interested in participating in an activity that involved others.

Sorry, ISTPs can be cold when it comes to casual relationships, but usually only when the other person sets up emotional barriers early on. In our natural state, ISTPs are intense lovers, although we'll admittedly break hearts in a somewhat cold manner when you signify that our relationship is coming to whatever end you've decided upon.

You made the decision, why should we beg for mercy?

FWIW, there's a good chance that you've mislabeled him (or he mislabeled himself as an) ISTP. We're not robots, despite the temptation to portray ourselves as above the emotional diversions most people fall for.

The reality is that most ISTPs are intensely devoted and emotional, to the point that if you set up restrictions early in the relationship, we're gonna honor them, to avoid hurting you on an emotional level.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
He's probably an idiot.

Not joking, any ISTP worth their salt isn't going to look at the current environment and make lifelong decisions based upon media paranoia, as it goes against our grain (we tend to be natural contrarians).

If something seems like a barrier to me, I'm gonna dig into whatever amount of knowledge it takes to make a reasonable risk assessment. A 2% or less risk (depending on your age) is way below the level I'd set for myself for nearly everything that might be worthwhile, although I might use something as an excuse if I wasn't that interested in participating in an activity that involved others.

Sorry, ISTPs can be cold when it comes to casual relationships, but usually only when the other person sets up emotional barriers early on. In our natural state, ISTPs are intense lovers, although we'll admittedly break hearts in a somewhat cold manner when you signify that our relationship is coming to whatever end you've decided upon.

You made the decision, why should we beg for mercy?

FWIW, there's a good chance that you've mislabeled him (or he mislabeled himself as an) ISTP. We're not robots, despite the temptation to portray ourselves as above the emotional diversions most people fall for.

The reality is that most ISTPs are intensely devoted and emotional, to the point that if you set up restrictions early in the relationship, we're gonna honor them, to avoid hurting you on an emotional level.
I also feel like it's an excuse for not really wanting to deal with commitment or responsibility. I think I've been quite emotionally open in this case - not super expressive because I wasn't receiving enough from him to continue to give the way I'd like to, but clear about where I'm at. I'm only confused because he said he really liked me, then completely disappeared! Who knows. Thank you for your response!
 

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Four months is not a long time when dealing with potential relationships.

It took me a few weeks to acknowledge current gf, add a month to decide if I even could be with her, another 2 months to accept we were a couple, add six months to work on our expectations of each other and make it official in my mind. Now were about 30 months in, we recently decided I'm fine moving together. A few months til its finally happening thou.
The real issue was her two kids... I needed to get used to them and sometimes they're still a pain for me but less and less as time go.
 
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