ENTJ = Te-Ni-Se-Fi
INFJ = Ni-Fe-Ti-Se
Assumption: Your conflict can be explained by unshared functions and stack order differences.
My Descriptions:
Te:
-Goal is to discover the most effective, efficient and logically sound method, which should then be implemented by the group to achieve the best outcome.
-Those not in agreement are wrong and will create future issues as a result.
-Those who persist in their specific Te-errors should be cut loose for the good of the larger goal.
Fe:
-Goal is to achieve emotional unity, along with the creation of a specific emotional atmosphere that is accepted, respected, and adhered to by the group.
-Individuals should be willing to sacrifice personal preferences and tendencies for the (Fe defined) good of the group.
-Individual feelings should only be overlooked when doing otherwise undermines the Fe goal.
-Those not in agreement are wrong and will create future issues as a result.
-Those who persist in their specific Fe-errors should be cut loose for the good of the larger goal.
if a statement or argument is better than mine, I will accept it. Yet she, no matter what I do, states me as a horrible person (something I indeed enjoy sometimes, but now against her).
This looks like Te goals vs. Fe goals. Unfortunately, INFJs are just as stubborn as you are regarding perceived "most important" goals and how to achieve them.
The "freaking out" in this case is meant more like an overreaction. Sometimes it is just my thoughts she just seem to hate, that is why I asked. I'm here thinking about behavior an ENTJ might have that displeases an INFJ entirely. For example my standards of moral or justice are completely unacceptable to her, she so far already told me often enough what she dislikes about this but I'm thinking more general. ENTJ behavior every day for example, the way we talk to others, look at them, things like this. I know well enough that I am arrogant. I'm talking about specific moments or actions INFJs would literally hate about an ENTJ. Maybe if I hear some of these I might understand what I do wrong.
I imagine she felt her reactions were appropriate for the situation. Reactions are rarely overreactions from our own point of view. The differences in moral and justice standards were probably perceived by her as absolutely crucial to understanding your conflict. There are very few things more important to an INFJ than morals and justice.
The reason I say that rather than just answering your question is because an INFJ doesn't just hate someone because of an action. If we act as though we hate you after you've done something, it's probably because of what we believe about your core. You could theoretically do all of the following things in front of me and I would be fine so long as I believed you are actively trying to grow and improve your interactions with me and others. That being said, I would not initiate a new friendship with someone who does the following, and there would be a cut-off point to the grace I give to a friend.
-harsh tone
-smirking
-interrupting
-laughing at (or otherwise belittling) someone's statement
-not considering the person's feelings
-stating your points until the other person is silenced
-public criticism
-debating without regard for the current environment and emotional climate.
-debating with the attitude that there will be a winner and a loser.
-attacking a statement as if it's separate from the person stating it.
-tell me to forget it or get over it.
I can't create a comprehensive list, but we're fairly vocal about what we dislike, so a few searches on our subforum should help.
The problem is I think she indeed tried to talk it through but back then I just couldn't care less about her problems since that was exactly after she's let me down. I only wanted to work things out and get everything done and then return to my social life. As she didn't try to talk after that I thought it was clear that everything was over and I did not have a problem with that. I'm also a person that rather talks things through, but if someone doesn't want that I actually don't care, it's sort of deleted from my mind which might not be smart but I do it. Since she still wanted to talk she gave me hints, but I am not good at detecting those. Her being quiet and everything signalised me that she wanted space, but obviously that was wrong, now that I tried to talk to her she got even angrier and angrier and just about the fact, that I did not get her hints. That's what I meant.
Yes, this to me would probably mean the death of a relationship. Here's a possible way an INFJ might process a similar scenario:
-There is an emotional tension in my life, which affects the most important aspect of who I am.
-I need to extrovert these feelings (Fe) in order to deal with them. I need help from someone close to me.
-My friend is not acting in the ways I believe people act when they care about something.
-From my observations of how people act, I believe she doesn't care about my problem. My problem is intimately tied to the most vulnerable aspect of who I am. Therefore, my friend doesn't care about me.
-I believe people stop caring about their friends if they have been hurt by them. I might have done something to hurt her.
-I'll check if I did something wrong.
-She said I did nothing wrong, but I'm not sure if I believe her.
-I continued to try finding out what is wrong, and her tone became harsh. She began using cold logic, which is what I do when I am suppressing my feelings. She must truly hate me if she is using cold logic with a harsh tone. She must be angry. She must have given up, and is angry that I am still bothering her.
-I will lay everything on the table exactly how I see it so that we can have a frank discussion about our conflict.
-Her logic became even less personal and even less friendly.
-I've tried everything I know how to do in order to achieve perfect emotional understanding and unity, but it appears she has shut off her feelings completely to me and is now only giving me the cold logic as if I'm an enemy who can't be trusted with access to her heart.
-I want there to be emotional unity, but only if we both want it. She appears to not want unity with me anymore, and will not give me the emotional details I need to repair the friendship.
-Since it is clear to me that we don't have equal desire to continue the friendship, I know that it will only get worse from here. All people must be equally invested for a friendship to flourish.
-She has rejected my emotional goals to repair things with her. My goals are intimately tied to my heart. She has rejected me.
-I will stop extroverting my feelings, because I believe she does not want them and will attack them if I do. If she would like to repair the relationship, the ball is in her court. I will not pursue it any further because I perceive that she isn't interested.
-She has not sought to repair the relationship through conversation and connection. That must mean she is completely done with us. The relationship is dead. She is satisfied being no more than acquaintances. I am hurt at the deepest part of me that she has made this decision.
That is my point. According to my brain I am not responsible for anybody but myself, if someone has a problem or is unhappy it is not my job to adress this to make them feel better. I am not stupid or unemotional, I simply do not weight emotions as that important and I know about myself, that if I feel bad I want distance, just want to be by myself.
See: I knew she felt bad. I knew something was wrong. I knew she wanted to talk. But I did not know what about, I did not know it concerned me, I did not know that I was he problem. I did not want to bother her (relating to myself I would be more than just annoying if someone tried to get me to talk about my problems without me starting the conversation). So I didn't say anything, let her have her time, I thought that if it concerns me or if she wanted me to know about her feelings she would tell me, but apparently that was wrong.
An INFJ views emotions and emotional connections as paramount. To us, a relationship that lacks these things means a relationship that is in trouble. Nobody owes anyone else emotional support, and people should recognize that this isn't something that is promised to us in this world. However, an INFJ's view is that a relationship should be mutually beneficial for all parties for it to be successful: a healthy relationship involves learning the needs of the other person and being willing to sacrifice to fulfill those needs. Not out of obligation, but out of desire.
If they have learned to not be codependent, the INFJ won't see another person's failure to support as "I didn't get what was owed to me," rather they will see the failure to support as the other person explicitly saying, "I'm not interested in a relationship with you." Or potentially as an expression of "you aren't supporting me, so I'm not supporting you." That's why we're likely to conclude either 1) you're rejecting the relationship, or 2) we caused you to act this way by hurting you first.
Oh the last thing I am saying is that you would be not intelligent, quite the opposite. But sometimes it seems to be that (maybe only the INFJs I know personally) you may seem rather feckless if it comes to making decisions. I have the habit of from one second to the other completely go emotionless and rational, while she for example does it the opposite way. As soon as it comes to making a decision I hear so much unimportant information from her about how people feel, instead of analysing facts. This would be the best summary or our conflict or how it started.
I'm guessing this goes back to Te goals vs. Fe goals. We want to balance efficiency with emotional unity, the latter being the most important. What is unimportant for Te goals may actually be the most important detail for Fe goals.
I know that I am not easy to get along with (my brain screams that it is because the others don't follow my orders haha, that must be it). We've been friends for almost 10 years now, she knows how I think and the other way around, we both respect each others strengths. We had a plan worked out after school to move in together and instead of just telling me that she wanted it differently, she let me down just a week before paying for the apartment. She ran away just like that instead of telling me.
If my friend doesn't tell me when I've wronged them and give me a chance to work through it with them, I interpret that as the ultimate and permanent expression of rejection. I hear it as something like "you'll never make it up to me, it's over, you failed, our friendship is not worth any continued effort. You amounted to nothing more than a final act of disappointment in my life. Your mistake is the period at the end of our relationship."
I need to say that I am a dominant person and in every argument I won because I simply would quiet her or make her insecure, I do that a lot to other people, yet she had different possibilities of telling me than just running off.
This is one of the few ways to make me give up all hope on a relationship. I see the exertion of verbal dominance to the point of my silence as the clearest and most hurtful expression of disrespect, and in some cases, viscous hatred. If I am speaking, it's because I feel that what I have to say is important. If someone speaks in such a way that I am put to silence, I know no other options for self expression. My Fe was clearly not acceptable. My Tertiary Ti function is like a whisper compared to your Primary Te, so a logical discussion while my Fe wakes up from its concussion is not really possible for me. I am just not capable of competing, and I feel that a person who shuts me up is taking advantage of that difference. It's tantamount to screaming expletives at me as loud as you can so my voice can't be heard. The volume and tone are like expletives to my emotions, and the dominance is like being so loud that whatever words I do choose to say aren't being heard anyways. When self-respecting people believe they aren't being heard in the way they are capable of expressing themselves, they leave. She just happens to have different limitations than you do.
From one second to the other I did not have anyone to support me and I had to let the apartment go (it was the most perfect sport I've ever laid eyes on) and it took until now to figure everything out for myself. According to your next question...
This is pretty messed up. She put you in a terrible position.
I don't know any INFJs who would do something like this without good reason (keep in mind that "good reason" is subjective and probably has nothing to do with Te goals). The only light I can shed on this situation is to consider the emotional climate of your relationship. If there was some kind of blow up between you two that she feels wasn't being resolved, then I could see how she might think your relationship was headed for a nosedive. Given a change like that, I could see how she might think it's even an unspoken understanding between you two that living together wouldn't be good.
However, I don't know the situation. It could be misunderstandings, could be her suddenly feeling that her Fe goals would be threatened by living with you, could be some dramatic life change she went through that caused her to do something selfish, or she could have just straight up been immature and wrong with no valid reasoning behind it. You're much better equipped to make that determination than I am. Just start by evaluating the emotional climate of the time and considering whether she could have come to a sudden realization that her Fe would be trampled on if she moved in with you.
Honestly, you probably would have been miserable living with an unhappy INFJ. So while it sucks, you probably dodged a bullet.
I do not trust many people. I actually trust nobody, I fear that is just how my brain works and even if I could I would not change it. To answer your question, yes. She's let me down several times so far but the apartment was a shock to me. I already distrust everyone, I need somebody to rely on to feel at least a little human. I need to say that I don't have any other friends in this part of the world I trust(ED) as much as her and now I feel completely alone. I can't even get myself to trust her again. Yet like her. Just some days ago as I tried to confront her she told me that she doesn't want or need me anymore because she's better off alone. I don't like to admit it, but it hurt. I trusted her. I loved her in a way. And that's what I get for caring for somebody once, a stab in the back. I normally never take things personally, but I did in this case, maybe because I once cared about her a lot.
I don't like her. At all.
To be honest. I do not wish to work it out again. It took me some days (sounds horrible, I'm sorry, most people need months to get over relationships and I forget a best friends in unter a week) but I completely erased her from my mind. I actually felt a lot of hate towards her these past days. What I wish now is to learn for my future, to help myself. She's none of my concern anymore.
For my own Fe goals, I hope your relationship is someday repaired. But I respect your decision, and your logic is sound.
I hope for a better life for both of you, one where you're understood and accepted.
Oh, please go on and build up my ego
I sometimes (not like to admit this) wish to be a feeling type. A completely different person. Nobody I've met so far truly liked me (not included are my grandparents and a few friends on another contitent) even my parents prefer not to have me around. I scare of especially men and it does hurt sometimes. As an ENTJ I actually must say that we feel not any less than others, I just know about myself that I prefer hiding it than showing. Emotions in my eyes make people weak, but that's just how I am I fear. I am too harsh most of the time, too direct.
We don't need to be each other, we just need to be the best versions of ourselves. Could you imagine the potential for world domination if ENTJs and INFJs always got along? Cheers to us, and the pursuit of a more perfect self. And world domination.
