Personality Cafe banner
1 - 19 of 19 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
61 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi guys...

So, there's this guy in my class who I think might be an ENFP. He is a bit eccentric, poetic, he's in a band. He has struggled with depression and I think is still dealing with a mild version of it. He's pretty flirty with some of the more outgoing girls in our class but kinda shy with others (inc. me).

Anyway we got talking one day and clicked pretty well. This turned into him late-night messaging me one night. His messaging became increasingly full-on for the last couple weeks, on my side I was just friendly, on his it was like very intense borderline romantic stuff, I dream about you, I was watching you today & noticed this etc. Not as creepy as it sounds lol, it came off really sweet to me, probably because I'm kinda attracted to him.

But... so we have assigned seating for college, and we're not near each other. But we sorta mingle before/after class. During this time he would totally ignore me. Now to be fair I also ignore him. I am shy and find it hard to make eye contact unless I can approach someone directly & start a conversation. But he's not! So I approached him once and he approached me once but we didn't get to talk for long each time.

It was beginning to frustrate me that he was so keen online and so distant in real life. So on advice from my (INFP) friend (who kept saying 'he's a coward!'), I replied to his latest message saying, 'look, i'm kinda not feeling this online chat thing. why don't you ask me about this in person?' He said he definitely would, and since then... nada. We've stopped messaging obviously. He seems to be striving to actively avoid me before/after class. Admittedly it has only been three days since I sent this message.

So I have to ask... did I read this situation entirely wrong? I'm wondering if he was just messaging me out of boredom or something. Alternatively, have I somehow hurt his feelings?? (This would be terrible!)

Any advice much appreciated. Thank you!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
55 Posts
This is a really really tough read. I only have your perspective and not conversations or anything (Don't share those though~).
It feels like he had a lot of interest in you, but you kinda blew him off and it rolled over. So now maybe he feels that it's too awkward around you. I feel you misread the situation a little, but it's really common. I know many INFJs that have led on guys by complete accident and felt terrible about it.

I highly doubt his feelings are hurt as much as he's thinking "Damn....that sucks".
If you wanted to rebuild a relationship, if you somehow can do this..I'd try to force IRL conversation. Focus on mutually interesting topics and maybe concepts. After a while you can address this falling out and softly apologize. Explain how you feel and if you're interested or not. Then say how you want to keep as friends because he's a good person. If he rejects the friendship then...not your fault <3

I don't think you messed up and you shouldn't worry. It was mainly a giant misunderstanding. Good luck sweetie <3
 
  • Like
Reactions: stormingheroine

·
Registered
Joined
·
61 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thank you so much @Illusio571, that's really good advice and I will try to follow it :) I was wondering, how do you think I misread the situation? Do you think he has feelings for me and I should have been more considerate?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
55 Posts
Thank you so much @Illusio571, that's really good advice and I will try to follow it :) I was wondering, how do you think I misread the situation? Do you think he has feelings for me and I should have been more considerate?
Yeah, I definitely think that. Try not to beat yourself up but you didn't really notice "Hey. He has a thing going on...I should do something about it". Probably because you most likely avoid conflict, and I understand completely <3
 
  • Like
Reactions: stormingheroine

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,311 Posts
Nah I doubt he was either messaging you out of boredom, nor have you hurt his feelings.

I think he's just being ultra shy. Probably he really got into his own head about you. Also it sounds like your conversations pushed forward a bit too hard too early (a tendency most ENFPs have when we like someone, and something we only learn from with age and experience). Even though I know nothing really solid was said, the subtext is there- you are aware of it, he is aware of it, and he is aware that you are aware of it.

I always think it's better to keep interaction casual as long as possible with these types of things. I definitely remember I used to get the urge "in the moment" to say forward things, which are mutually exciting and romantic in the moment, but then in the cold light of day you realise it feels a bit wrong to have done that.

Just take it back to being casual- do small-talk for a while. I know people hate small talk, but honestly it keeps things casual and light. That way he might feel less shy again and act more naturally, in which case you guys can start to build up a rapport again. Even if it's boring to begin with, it'll get you back to a place where you can start to build up to non-awkwardness again.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,318 Posts
So I have to ask... did I read this situation entirely wrong? I'm wondering if he was just messaging me out of boredom or something. Alternatively, have I somehow hurt his feelings?? (This would be terrible!)
Nope, you were ultra cool in being direct. That's the same way I would feel about someone I'd be interested romantically. Not to mention that he's the Extrovert in all of this. Maybe you upset his beliefs that he controls "the game" and now you sucker punched him for out-extroverting him on the matter. Good for you. Life's short. All this nonsense makes... no sense. If you like me, tell it to my face. So that I have a starting point and not just walk around in the dark like an idiot. That kind of stuff. Points to you. At best, he'll come by and resume this thing with you. At worst you got rid of weeds. I know I sound "cruel" but these messy "sort of" things that never turn into relations are so icky that just mess with you (especially because you're an INFJ) in all the wrong ways.
 

·
Registered
Beta Gang - EIE 3w4 - 368 sx/so
Joined
·
4,750 Posts
Hi guys...

So, there's this guy in my class who I think might be an ENFP. He is a bit eccentric, poetic, he's in a band. He has struggled with depression and I think is still dealing with a mild version of it. He's pretty flirty with some of the more outgoing girls in our class but kinda shy with others (inc. me).

Anyway we got talking one day and clicked pretty well. This turned into him late-night messaging me one night. His messaging became increasingly full-on for the last couple weeks, on my side I was just friendly, on his it was like very intense borderline romantic stuff, I dream about you, I was watching you today & noticed this etc. Not as creepy as it sounds lol, it came off really sweet to me, probably because I'm kinda attracted to him.

But... so we have assigned seating for college, and we're not near each other. But we sorta mingle before/after class. During this time he would totally ignore me. Now to be fair I also ignore him. I am shy and find it hard to make eye contact unless I can approach someone directly & start a conversation. But he's not! So I approached him once and he approached me once but we didn't get to talk for long each time.

It was beginning to frustrate me that he was so keen online and so distant in real life. So on advice from my (INFP) friend (who kept saying 'he's a coward!'), I replied to his latest message saying, 'look, i'm kinda not feeling this online chat thing. why don't you ask me about this in person?' He said he definitely would, and since then... nada. We've stopped messaging obviously. He seems to be striving to actively avoid me before/after class. Admittedly it has only been three days since I sent this message.

So I have to ask... did I read this situation entirely wrong? I'm wondering if he was just messaging me out of boredom or something. Alternatively, have I somehow hurt his feelings?? (This would be terrible!)

Any advice much appreciated. Thank you!
You simply told him to cut through the bullshit, and he did :p

Or maybe he's very very shy and kinda is waitin for an appropriate time to do a move. Like you know, when you ll be all by yourself at a place he can easily spot you, since you ll be starin at him ... *wink*

For instance I know that if I have to say things I'm not quite ready to say with words my brain go full syntax error. Doesn't mean that I didn't mean any of what I've written, its just that its so intense and uncomfortable to say like that in the open, I'd just stare at my feet / avoid you too.

Don't be too rough toward the shy guys ! we do exist

Or as I said, you told him to cut through the bs and as a matter of fact he kept the sweet things goin to hum, not hurt you since he maybe thought that you were interested, but he's not.

That said, don't be too rough toward people who are not there yet emotionally :D he could be an awesome friend, so heh
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
61 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Thank you all!!

Well, I have a development... my ENTJ flatmate got fed up and told me to just cut the crap and ask him out via text. She literally dictated the text to me. So I did, and he seemed pretty enthusiastic about it...

I am pretty anxious about this whole thing (never asked a guy out before) and it doesn't exactly follow everyone's advice, but at least he said yes.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,117 Posts
Yeah, I was gonna suggest exactly this. IME, developing relationships follow a path of increasing vulnerability (and reward for showing that vulnerability). I step a little outside my comfort zone, then they step a little outside their comfort zone, rinse and repeat.

So long as you're both contributing about the same amount of that (and the other person is giving you good reason to keep doing so) seems to me like things are right on track.
 

·
Registered
INFJ 3w2 Sx/So
Joined
·
3,373 Posts
My ENFP boyfriend did something similar to me before we started dating. He had warned me that he was prone to jumping from friend to friend, and that our deep conversations may not be a long-term thing. For a little while, he wouldn't speak to me that much. I, rather dejectedly, assumed that he had moved on from me already.

As it turned out, he knew that he had strong feelings for me, and he was trying to sort them out and name them all on his own time. He didn't want to proceed without understanding what the connection between us meant, so he took some time off from our conversations to figure it all out.

I can't say whether or not your ENFP is doing something like that, but just give it time and see what happens. ENFPs are mysterious creatures, which is why I love them so.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
55 Posts
My ENFP boyfriend did something similar to me before we started dating. He had warned me that he was prone to jumping from friend to friend, and that our deep conversations may not be a long-term thing. For a little while, he wouldn't speak to me that much. I, rather dejectedly, assumed that he had moved on from me already.

As it turned out, he knew that he had strong feelings for me, and he was trying to sort them out and name them all on his own time. He didn't want to proceed without understanding what the connection between us meant, so he took some time off from our conversations to figure it all out.

I can't say whether or not your ENFP is doing something like that, but just give it time and see what happens. ENFPs are mysterious creatures, which is why I love them so.
I've done something similar to people that I've been in romantic relationships for over a year now. We kinda let it settle to make sure that we don't get enticed by a "better" option, we have to remind ourselves that you're the best and sit with that. It's hard for us because it's against our nature.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Zosio

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,117 Posts
My ENFP boyfriend did something similar to me before we started dating. He had warned me that he was prone to jumping from friend to friend, and that our deep conversations may not be a long-term thing. For a little while, he wouldn't speak to me that much. I, rather dejectedly, assumed that he had moved on from me already.

As it turned out, he knew that he had strong feelings for me, and he was trying to sort them out and name them all on his own time. He didn't want to proceed without understanding what the connection between us meant, so he took some time off from our conversations to figure it all out.

I can't say whether or not your ENFP is doing something like that, but just give it time and see what happens. ENFPs are mysterious creatures, which is why I love them so.
Oh yeah, I'll totally do this. I'll sense someone's into me, and then seek out space to sort out my feelings about them. *sheepish grin* It's been a learning experience to just be up front with people about that.
 

·
Registered
INFJ 3w2 Sx/So
Joined
·
3,373 Posts
Oh yeah, I'll totally do this. I'll sense someone's into me, and then seek out space to sort out my feelings about them. *sheepish grin* It's been a learning experience to just be up front with people about that.
Just be sure that you finally ask that INxJ out whenever you get those feelings determined and settled. I assure you, she'll probably be thrilled. I know that I certainly was.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Illuzio571

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,117 Posts
Just be sure that you finally ask that INxJ out whenever you get those feelings determined and settled. I assure you, she'll probably be thrilled. I know that I certainly was.
Despite my reputation as an incorrigible PerC flirt *winks* I'm quite happy with the INFJ I'm seeing right now *boyish grin*
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
15 Posts
I'm also very "keen online" and "distant in real life" with a girl I am very attracted to (feelings however are not mutual (I think)). I'm this way because I'm more nervous when she is an actual, physical presence, and I think he is behaving this way for the same reason. He likes you, and that makes him nervous around you in real life, and he avoids you so as to make sure he doesn't screw things up between you two. He likes the texting thing, because he can run his messages through some filters before sending it. Try initiating conversation, have it lead into you telling him how you feel. Make sure it starts out casual though, or he may back out of it. On the flipside, if you hurt his feelings, try starting an upbeat convo, compliment him a few times throughout the convo. Make him feel better. I know this would probably make me like someone. Then, eventually, do the convo-leads-into-"this is how I feel" thing. Things are probably different from middle school to college (I'm 13), so it might not be good advice. Good luck! :kitteh:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
15 Posts
Thank you all!!

Well, I have a development... my ENTJ flatmate got fed up and told me to just cut the crap and ask him out via text. She literally dictated the text to me. So I did, and he seemed pretty enthusiastic about it...

I am pretty anxious about this whole thing (never asked a guy out before) and it doesn't exactly follow everyone's advice, but at least he said yes.
Glad to know it's working out, very happy for you! (which, considering we're strangers, might be a little weird :p)
 
1 - 19 of 19 Posts
Top