[Icewater]

For most if not all of my entire life, I have been extremely passive. Passive to the point where most of my grades suffered in high school because I didn't push myself enough into doing the work, I lost a good amount of friends because I was too 'calm, serene' or just not interesting enough to gain a good personality in their books. I always wanted to do the easiest things in life. Follow the crowd, (for when I was really little) not run around and stick to my parents side, allowing others to make decisions for me and not really... I guess being active enough to really take that task upon myself. Basically, I've always been calm, too scared sometimes to take risks and stick out for what I believe in, and also just... passive. Being content to just sit back and as some would phrase it, 'watch the world go by,' in serenity.

Now that I think about it, this is a huge INFP trait anyway to have. Just not wanting to face things, too passive to take charge of things, or just plain too frightened to even try.

But as I'm growing up now and have to take charge of new responsibilities, I find that I'm changing in a lot of ways. First of all, I'm way more assertive. I've grown in the way that I have SO much more self confidence now, and now I actually am willing to stand up for myself and not get trampled on.. or at least, not nearly as much as before. I get tired of others I know well and their actions I can already predict that I find predictable and annoying, and tend to snap at them. Which I'm not so proud of, but I just feel myself getting this 'I've been through this way too many times before' feeling, and badly want to snap out of it. I'm also finding that suddenly, life is making me become more and more independent, which is really scary for me. Just the fact that suddenly.. I'm on my own. I've had a very sheltered life, so this feels like being shoved into the deep end. Panicked me tries to fall back on others willing to help... and then trusts too easily. I've gotten hurt and hurt because of this in the past a lot anyway, but I really feel the need to trust in others even more now.

I've also realized that I don't like it when others promise something that never ends up happening, even when it doesn't happen to me. I know people forget, something happens that makes it so it doesn't work out, or they're just empty. But it still really hurts. I guess it feels like promises have feelings too to me. Also just growing up, I've realized there is a lot in my past that I regret not doing, that I feel like should have been done. In this respect, I've gotten also very sentimental.

Last thing (I promise!), I'm in a state of really wanting to get things done. Just finding procrastinators and people who assure me it will eventually get done, tiring because it simply hasn't gotten done yet. Then I start to wonder, When will it get done then? Which isn't realistic I know, because people are generally busy with their own lives and can't do everything at once so it gets complete, but logic and reason don't always go hand in hand I think. I still feel like it should get done ASAP, or I get frustrated. This also goes with the trusting point as well maybe... just trusting others to do it, getting frustrated for it not getting done, but too scared to be assertive and be responsible for it myself. This new change confuses me because it's really not a P trait, more a J trait. So a very interesting clash of P/J.

This post is such a ramble, I apologize. Just trying to get my thoughts down, hopefully in a semi-readable way, haha.

I'm just wondering if any other INFPs had this growing up as well. Can anyone relate? If so, how did you get through this?

 

[krentz]

It's... interesting. Personally speaking, when I was young I had an intense drive to be the best in everything I could be, and this was further fueled by positive reinforcement, perception of my own intellectual prowess and the joy and inspiration I found in creative pursuits. However I was also incredibly passive, introverted, lacked self-discipline and generally procrastinated on things a lot. It's funny because at school I was always viewed as both eccentric and nerdy, but everyone always thought that I would have been so organised and had my shit together, when really I slacked just as much as the rest of them but somehow managed to pull eleventh-hour miracles out of my ass. For some reason, I work at my best under pressure - I've taken enough standardised examinations in my time to harness this fact.

However one thing I majorly struggle with is that it's difficult not to let life sort of... happen to me, instead of proactively pursuing the things I want to do. From within my comfort zone, it's easy - I have a history of extensive discoveries and lives lived out online, I used to play a musical instrument as well as some other stuff. But it was easier back then because I was in an environment that encouraged that sort of thing and furthermore being young I had a lot of events provided 'for' me. Furthermore, the compulsive curiosity that comes from discovering something for the first time was a huge motivating factor as well. My parents took me on trips, visits and holidays, and so did my school. I had an element of choice but it was very limited. As frustrating as it was, I also realised near the end of school that with great freedom also came great responsibility. Responsibility not only for myself but also for taking charge of my own life. In my teens I could feel that looming ever closer but I just pushed it to the back of my mind, like an ostrich burying its head in the sand, determined to enjoy the last of my innocence as thoroughly as I could muster.

Nowadays... I wouldn't say I'm a sterling example. I'm more dependable than I was before, and I have made a commitment to follow through on things I sometimes don't feel like doing (this is not to say I always do them, still). But a lot of the time I feel like I'm in limbo. I still pursue the things I am obliged to do with aplomb, and if something takes my interest I pursue it as vigorously as I can. I just feel a little shortchanged on passion lately. A little directionless, if you will. The few things I forced myself to do that I knew would be good for me really started to build up momentum and take on a life of their own, so I know it would be really good to involve myself in new things. I'm just, well... a little scared, I guess? Nothing to fear but fear itself and all that.