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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Have you felt like you have needed to be the "counselor" in your relationships?

This is something I noticed when talking to an ENTP friend of mine and I wonder if you guys relate because this is something that I as an INFJ have dealt with too. I just found it interesting when the other day I commented to my ENTP friend how I'm tired of feeling like I'm needing to always be the counselor to my exes and he said that's like the story of his life because he had dealt with the same exact thing it sounded like.

I'm not sure if it is common occurrence when an N is dating an S or if it depends on the type of N or what. But I figured I'd ask... have you guys felt like you've had to be the "counselor" for your exes in your relationships?
 
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I'm not sure if it is common occurrence when an N is dating an S or if it depends on the type of N or what. But I figured I'd ask... have you guys felt like you've had to be the "counselor" for your exes in your relationships?
I have no idea what you're talking about. Example please.
 

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I can counsel as long as analysis is involved. If a friend is having a "what-should-I-do-in-this-situation?" problem, I can help. What I CANT help with is an "OMG-my-bf-broke-up-with-me" problem. I've tried to help with those things before, and I usually end up tossing in a sarcastic joke or blunt comment that generally makes matters worse.

So...
analytical problem - I love to help
emotional problem - I'm uncomfortable. Go talk to my INFJ friend; they're called "the Counselors" for a reason.
 

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I say YES. And also IN the relationships, AND to other persons. But , as stated above, I am less succesful when it comes to matters of persons feelings and relationships. I apply logic but that does not work in a messed up relationsnip...
 
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Hmm not so much in relationships or with ex's, but my friendships yes. I always seem to be the person everybody goes to.

N types tend to gravitate towards psychology and counseling more than S types to begin with. A lot of times we do make connections that an S type would overlook. I don't always mean to be a "counselor" to my friends, but when they tell me about their problems with boyfriends and girlfriends or family, I can see things from both sides and make connections and understand people better than they understand themselves sometimes. A lot of times people suck at saying what they mean or how they feel, and I can make more sense of them than they can make of themselves. So I end up "counseling" by pointing things like that out. Another issue I see is that people have different styles of communicating and interpreting and in order to understand better, they need it put into a different perspective than what their significant other can give.
 

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Hmm not so much in relationships or with ex's, but my friendships yes. I always seem to be the person everybody goes to.

N types tend to gravitate towards psychology and counseling more than S types to begin with. A lot of times we do make connections that an S type would overlook. I don't always mean to be a "counselor" to my friends, but when they tell me about their problems with boyfriends and girlfriends or family, I can see things from both sides and make connections and understand people better than they understand themselves sometimes. A lot of times people suck at saying what they mean or how they feel, and I can make more sense of them than they can make of themselves. So I end up "counseling" by pointing things like that out. Another issue I see is that people have different styles of communicating and interpreting and in order to understand better, they need it put into a different perspective than what their significant other can give.
+1
Well put.
 

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Hmm not so much in relationships or with ex's, but my friendships yes. I always seem to be the person everybody goes to.

N types tend to gravitate towards psychology and counseling more than S types to begin with. A lot of times we do make connections that an S type would overlook. I don't always mean to be a "counselor" to my friends, but when they tell me about their problems with boyfriends and girlfriends or family, I can see things from both sides and make connections and understand people better than they understand themselves sometimes. A lot of times people suck at saying what they mean or how they feel, and I can make more sense of them than they can make of themselves. So I end up "counseling" by pointing things like that out. Another issue I see is that people have different styles of communicating and interpreting and in order to understand better, they need it put into a different perspective than what their significant other can give.
Well put. That's exactly how I am too with a good portion of my friends too. I know my ESTP friend definitely lacks the ability to see multiple perspectives so oftentimes I stay out of his way if he's angry and not directing it at me but if he asks for my opinion the first thing I do is tell him all of the other viewpoints that he seemingly had to miss to come to his own conclusions. With both ISTJ's and ESTP's i'm alot of the confusion between us seems to come from that.
S types are also very fact reliant so from my perspective it appears that it's a little bit more difficult for them to think on their feet. They appear to need to have something clear and concrete in front of them that basically spells out all of their problems and when they don't they seem to become a little lost. We can play the assumption game and be right. Them not always so much.
 

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Well put. That's exactly how I am too with a good portion of my friends too. I know my ESTP friend definitely lacks the ability to see multiple perspectives so oftentimes I stay out of his way if he's angry and not directing it at me but if he asks for my opinion the first thing I do is tell him all of the other viewpoints that he seemingly had to miss to come to his own conclusions. With both ISTJ's and ESTP's i'm alot of the confusion between us seems to come from that.
S types are also very fact reliant so from my perspective it appears that it's a little bit more difficult for them to think on their feet. They appear to need to have something clear and concrete in front of them that basically spells out all of their problems and when they don't they seem to become a little lost. We can play the assumption game and be right. Them not always so much.
It seems XSTP types have the most issues with it. One my ESTP friends sometimes accidentally hurts people around him. He doesn't mean to and he feels horrible afterwards if/when he finds out, but he just seems to lack that ability to read people. Its very much an intuition skill. In general, I know my friends' limits. I know who I can tease, how much I can tease them, what topics are off limits and I know when to stop. This is what my ESTP friend doesn't really get. I notice the same issues with ESTJ's sometimes.
 

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As an INTP, sometimes people talk to me about issues because they know they can be frank with me and I won't be judgemental. I imagine if I were an Extravert, it would just make me more approachable.
 

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It seems XSTP types have the most issues with it. One my ESTP friends sometimes accidentally hurts people around him. He doesn't mean to and he feels horrible afterwards if/when he finds out, but he just seems to lack that ability to read people. Its very much an intuition skill. In general, I know my friends' limits. I know who I can tease, how much I can tease them, what topics are off limits and I know when to stop. This is what my ESTP friend doesn't really get. I notice the same issues with ESTJ's sometimes.
That sounds somewhat like my ESTP friend except for the fact that he doesn't care. He basically makes it known right off the bat that he likes to joke around so that when he says something offensive people know it's a joke and if they don't like him, they don't like him lol. Plus he does know what sets some people off and can (and does) use it to manipulate them if need be.

I think ESTP's can read people though but not in the same way you or I can. According to him he can tell that people are lying just based off of body language and facial expressions or the way they talk or whatever. I know for me I can tell if someone is lying but not by using body language or anything like that. I can tell moreso from the persons personality combined with action, behaviors, or reasonings that are out of character for them. I usually won't think about any of that beforehand but will feel something isn't right and then come to the conclusion they are lying before my brain spits out multiple reasons why. He also says that he has used it to basically form his social connections and what not and he's talked about his ability to read people long before either of us got into this MBTI thing.

So I dunno. I think there's two sides to it. Perhaps both types can read people but in different ways.
 

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Counselor? No. I always succeed in acting like the Man. haha, not sure why I capitalized the 'm', apparerently I'm serious about my masculinity.

I'm always less emotionally invested, which allows me to look at the relationship more objectively. This is never intentional.
 

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Not really. I never get into a relationship with someone who doesn't have a fairly decent grip on their problems. Everyone has their insecurities and talking about it is ok, but I can smell when it's excessive and if they will use whoever they're with as their therapist.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
That sounds somewhat like my ESTP friend except for the fact that he doesn't care. He basically makes it known right off the bat that he likes to joke around so that when he says something offensive people know it's a joke and if they don't like him, they don't like him lol. Plus he does know what sets some people off and can (and does) use it to manipulate them if need be.

I think ESTP's can read people though but not in the same way you or I can. According to him he can tell that people are lying just based off of body language and facial expressions or the way they talk or whatever. I know for me I can tell if someone is lying but not by using body language or anything like that. I can tell moreso from the persons personality combined with action, behaviors, or reasonings that are out of character for them. I usually won't think about any of that beforehand but will feel something isn't right and then come to the conclusion they are lying before my brain spits out multiple reasons why. He also says that he has used it to basically form his social connections and what not and he's talked about his ability to read people long before either of us got into this MBTI thing.

So I dunno. I think there's two sides to it. Perhaps both types can read people but in different ways.
When I read WildWind's comment I was wanting to make the point that ESTPs do greatly take in body language and facial expressions. It is a part of the Se experience. Whenever I've been around those with Se, I can almost kind of "feel" them reading me in this way. However, it is not always right... and its frustrating to me. Its like they take in the expression or body language but they don't make the full connection with it. Like, they will take a person being hesitant as them not trusting them or whatever (purely as example) when the truth is that the person is just shy.

As another example... my ISFP ex used to always ask me "what's wrong" whenever I would fall into one of my "Ni thoughts".... nothing ever was bothering me I was just in my Ni daze.. but he could never make that connection.
 

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I'm the go-to girl among my friends for when someone has a problem that they need to either vent about or seek advice for. I'm good at listening and using concerned facial expressions. I also give honest answers and solutions I think would work. I have a very different style of approaching things than my friends, so they don't always take the advice I offer, but it's just as well. I am also getting better at being the consoler, the one who says it's going to be okay and lists reasons why. But my capacity for dealing with relationship issues only goes so far. I am more apt to say, "I don't know the exact details of your situation, so I don't think it's my place to give you advice" than to give a solid answer.

I don't know exactly why it is people seek me out for this, but I imagine it might be because I am not threatening and will not judge. The point where this becomes tiring for me is when my friends come to me about each other. Then I feel as though I am responsible for the outcome, directing and manipulating everyone in such a way that harmony will be maintained.

I'm realizing now, though, that your questions was slanted towards our own relationships. Yes, I do feel like I have to be the counselor. In my limited experience, it seems as though I am hyper-aware of the health of the relationship and thus feel the need to perform constant "maintenance." I want to talk out our problems and meet them head-on, which tends to make people uncomfortable.
 

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When I read WildWind's comment I was wanting to make the point that ESTPs do greatly take in body language and facial expressions. It is a part of the Se experience. Whenever I've been around those with Se, I can almost kind of "feel" them reading me in this way. However, it is not always right... and its frustrating to me. Its like they take in the expression or body language but they don't make the full connection with it. Like, they will take a person being hesitant as them not trusting them or whatever (purely as example) when the truth is that the person is just shy.

As another example... my ISFP ex used to always ask me "what's wrong" whenever I would fall into one of my "Ni thoughts".... nothing ever was bothering me I was just in my Ni daze.. but he could never make that connection.
That's very true. I think because ESTP's have trouble coming up with possibilities (Ni being their inferior function) they are often in danger of being wrong when it comes to their senses and the problem is that their 2 dominant functions are Se and Ti so they're usually extremely confident in these abilities and thus are confident in their sensing.

I know that my ESTP friend has been right at times and it's shocked me. Sometimes when anyone else would just look at me and not pick up that anything is bothering me he'll ask me if i'm okay and he's always been the only one. But I know how he is when it comes to arguments. He's usually only able to see one perspective so I figured if he's somewhat off when he comes to odd conclusions in those situations then how accurate can his reading ability be? and in all fairness he's probably alot more accurate in his people reading than he is coming to conclusions about other situations but still. I think they need to be cautious if they want to perfect their ability to read people. Jumping ahead of yourself is not good for them.
 
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