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Discussion Starter #1
Hey all,

Since us INFP's are known to love our own company and don't meet as much people as our Extroverted friends I was curious to see how many of you tried ONLINE DATING.

I know years ago it was frowned upon but it seems to be more acceptable now and I know quite a few people who found friends and love through the internet.

I've tried it and no relationship came out of it just met some cool people and made some friends.

What experiences have you had with ONLINE DATING? Any love stories or horror stories to share? :tongue:
 

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Well at one point I did sign up on a couple of sites and made a profile, but they never matched me with anyone who seemed like my type, so I didn't bother to reply or anything. I wasn't very impressed. But then I always wasn't really looking hard or anything, maybe with more effort I'd have met some cool people.

I did meet this one guy (INTJ I'm guessing) who I think found me on one of those sites first and then tracked me down elsewhere online. He was fun to talk with, but it ended kind of bad because he was just a bit too......eager or something. He was just so certain I was perfect for him after just 2 weeks or something, and unfortunately took my williingness to chat a bunch as a sign I liked him back, whereas I was thinking just friends at that point. The more he insisted how perfect a match we were, the more my stubborn side kicked in and said 'wait a minute here maybe I don't think so!' We did meet a couple of times because he happened to live in the same city, and he was nice enough. I would have liked to be friends, but he just felt a bit too clingy and a bit too determined. He was respectfull and kind and interesting, and didn't bother me in any way, except for incessant chatting online - like where I'd say I was going to make dinner and come back to several paragraphs to catch up on because he hadn't stopped talking while I was away. I can totally understand if he was lonely, like so many of us, and I can understand if he was really eager if he hadn't met many people he could connect to, but still, it got kinda annoying. I do feel sort of bad because I didn't know how to handle it and finally just cut off all communication, I'm sure I could have dealt with him better than that, sigh.....

However, I actually did meet my husband through the art site: deviantart.com. I have really enjoyed making friends on there, and there's one friend that a real life friend and I have tried to plan to go and visit, although we haven't been able to work it out yet. Seeing other's artwork, or photos I think helps give a good idea of what they're like. I'd really enjoy meeting more of the folks on there. It's also nice that there's a blog feature - that can really give you a better idea of who people are.

With my husband, he had also made friends with my real life friend on that site who is more outgoing than me, so she was the one who actually got him on the phone and found out his IM and all, but once we got to talking it was really great! We already knew we had similar style and interests from seeing eachother's galleries and commenting back and forth on things. After a few months I took a vacation to visit him and that pretty much sealed the deal. We already knew we would get along well, but once we met in person it just felt so natural being together. We had to keep up the long distance relationship for a while, but it worked out pretty well. My friends and family were pretty wary about it though, which did make it hard at first. I was so afriad to tell them, that I put it off waaaaay too long, which just made it more awkward. They were all worried that he would turn out to be an axe-murderer or something, lol. But honnestly, it seems a lot less likely to be taken in by 'predators' when meeting the way we did on a site where you're not really looking for people to meet in real life. Sure there are risks, but I don't think meeting someone in real life first is much more of a garuntee that they're really a nice or honnest person. It seems to me like a lot of people may be much more open and honnest talking on the internet. *shrug* Both of us have commented how glad we are that we met online, becuase no doubt if we'd seen eachother on the street or something we would have been too shy to actually take the risk and talk to eachother, even though we would have felt certain that that was a kindred spirit, standing right over there.

Anyways, it seems to me that a site like that is a much better way to go than a dating site - because it's a place where you both share an interest. It makes it more comfortable to talk. It seems more natural to talk with people about something that you're both interested in, like art, or a game, or personality ;) or whatever, and it leaves it a little more 'natural' as to whether you want to become closer or not, when the object of being there isn't dating. Whereas it feels like with a dating site you're both just focused on finding the right person - which to me makes it a lot more awkward, and makes you a lot more likely to misunderstand eachother in the eagerness to make a good impression. When you're just talking about something you both like a fiendship can form without as much of the underlying anxiety over 'is this the one? what does he think? is he just toying with me?' and all that.

I think for INFPs in particular it's good to be in an environment where you can feel free to make friends since most of us seem to find friendship a very important componant of romance. And also important to not let our idealistic hopes of the perfect mate let us jump to conclusions on people to quickly and then only see what reinfforces those ideas.
 

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I signed up for a dating site once. They said it was free so i figured what the hell. Then they were like "to activate all of the features, get a premium membership", which turned out to be like €50 a month... yeah i'm not paying that, that's a ridiculous sum of money. But without a premium membership i couldn't even upload a picture and had very limited contacting options.

They've been spamming my mailbox with "amazing offers" eversince. And this is a site that advertises in magazines, i've even seen ads on TV... so clearly, they're doing very well for themselves. The idealist in me is severly disappointed that people are getting rich over the loneliness of others :sad:


I'm sure that this post makes me look totally attractive and not at all jaded and bitter, so all you ladies in the Netherlands area can hit me up on my profile and maybe we can complain about the sad state of the world together over a nice drink :wink:
 

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Is it bad that every relationship I've been in started off online? :unsure:

Anyway most of my online relationships have ended pretty badly, and I always seem to be the one who takes it the hardest.

I could always try to find a boyfriend offline but I have really nothing in common with most of the guys in my area and unfortunately I go to an all girl school. Just my luck lol.
 

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I've dated 6 girls, and two of them I met online.

The two I met online lasted roughly 7 months long each (weak!)
While every other relationship was between 1 1/2 -> 3 years.

In the defense of the online girlys, I think "meeting" online forced us to focus less on nerves and looks, and more-so on communication. The end result was a deep seeded connection at first and -then- meeting. The "disadvantage" of this may be partly related to how things ended rather quickly --- we traveled at mach speed and therefore hit a road block much sooner.

In the world of online dating though, I think it's a great opportunity to get outside your general workplace / school / local environment and see what else may be "out there." In that respect, it's great! In others... you may be incredibly disappointed by how some people behave online. I've met some crazies online ( The Adventures of Lad and Dating Online: Baby Girl - PersonalityCafe ) -- I've had girls aiming for one night stands with me, etc etc. You name it, but apparently all of this is 100x worse for GIRLS online looking for guys. I think women on those sites can be easily discouraged because you'll meet some of the trashiest dishonest guys ever.

If you're weathered enough for the experience though, you may find a hidden gem.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Well at one point I did sign up on a couple of sites and made a profile, but they never matched me with anyone who seemed like my type, so I didn't bother to reply or anything. I wasn't very impressed. But then I always wasn't really looking hard or anything, maybe with more effort I'd have met some cool people.

I did meet this one guy (INTJ I'm guessing) who I think found me on one of those sites first and then tracked me down elsewhere online. He was fun to talk with, but it ended kind of bad because he was just a bit too......eager or something. He was just so certain I was perfect for him after just 2 weeks or something, and unfortunately took my williingness to chat a bunch as a sign I liked him back, whereas I was thinking just friends at that point. The more he insisted how perfect a match we were, the more my stubborn side kicked in and said 'wait a minute here maybe I don't think so!' We did meet a couple of times because he happened to live in the same city, and he was nice enough. I would have liked to be friends, but he just felt a bit too clingy and a bit too determined. He was respectfull and kind and interesting, and didn't bother me in any way, except for incessant chatting online - like where I'd say I was going to make dinner and come back to several paragraphs to catch up on because he hadn't stopped talking while I was away. I can totally understand if he was lonely, like so many of us, and I can understand if he was really eager if he hadn't met many people he could connect to, but still, it got kinda annoying. I do feel sort of bad because I didn't know how to handle it and finally just cut off all communication, I'm sure I could have dealt with him better than that, sigh.....

However, I actually did meet my husband through the art site: deviantart.com. I have really enjoyed making friends on there, and there's one friend that a real life friend and I have tried to plan to go and visit, although we haven't been able to work it out yet. Seeing other's artwork, or photos I think helps give a good idea of what they're like. I'd really enjoy meeting more of the folks on there. It's also nice that there's a blog feature - that can really give you a better idea of who people are.

With my husband, he had also made friends with my real life friend on that site who is more outgoing than me, so she was the one who actually got him on the phone and found out his IM and all, but once we got to talking it was really great! We already knew we had similar style and interests from seeing eachother's galleries and commenting back and forth on things. After a few months I took a vacation to visit him and that pretty much sealed the deal. We already knew we would get along well, but once we met in person it just felt so natural being together. We had to keep up the long distance relationship for a while, but it worked out pretty well. My friends and family were pretty wary about it though, which did make it hard at first. I was so afriad to tell them, that I put it off waaaaay too long, which just made it more awkward. They were all worried that he would turn out to be an axe-murderer or something, lol. But honnestly, it seems a lot less likely to be taken in by 'predators' when meeting the way we did on a site where you're not really looking for people to meet in real life. Sure there are risks, but I don't think meeting someone in real life first is much more of a garuntee that they're really a nice or honnest person. It seems to me like a lot of people may be much more open and honnest talking on the internet. *shrug* Both of us have commented how glad we are that we met online, becuase no doubt if we'd seen eachother on the street or something we would have been too shy to actually take the risk and talk to eachother, even though we would have felt certain that that was a kindred spirit, standing right over there.

Anyways, it seems to me that a site like that is a much better way to go than a dating site - because it's a place where you both share an interest. It makes it more comfortable to talk. It seems more natural to talk with people about something that you're both interested in, like art, or a game, or personality ;) or whatever, and it leaves it a little more 'natural' as to whether you want to become closer or not, when the object of being there isn't dating. Whereas it feels like with a dating site you're both just focused on finding the right person - which to me makes it a lot more awkward, and makes you a lot more likely to misunderstand eachother in the eagerness to make a good impression. When you're just talking about something you both like a fiendship can form without as much of the underlying anxiety over 'is this the one? what does he think? is he just toying with me?' and all that.

I think for INFPs in particular it's good to be in an environment where you can feel free to make friends since most of us seem to find friendship a very important componant of romance. And also important to not let our idealistic hopes of the perfect mate let us jump to conclusions on people to quickly and then only see what reinfforces those ideas.
Sorry for the delay. Wanted to be sure I had a thoughtful reply to your very thoughtful post :)

Your love story is absolutely lovely i'm happy it worked out for you two. I must agree with you wholeheartedly that we INFPs do value friendship first in a relationship. I think you hit the nail on the head when you stated Online dtaing sites can be a bit awkward because in my opinion it can feel forced. I've seen it work out for some of my friends but that was mainly because they were looking to jump into a relationship right away they wasn't looking for the friendship before hand. I've also learned many people have different definitions of what the process of dating is.

I'm happy to also hear you was able to get over the hurdle of long distance. I know from my own experience in the past and from those close to me it isn't the easiest situation. Both people have to be extremely commited and willing to use most forms of communication and with the internet it makes it all the more easier these days. I was raised in a culture where long distance relationships is the norm so when people are very negative and say it can't be done I often times disagree. It all depends on who is involved thats all.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Is it bad that every relationship I've been in started off online? :unsure:

Anyway most of my online relationships have ended pretty badly, and I always seem to be the one who takes it the hardest.

I could always try to find a boyfriend offline but I have really nothing in common with most of the guys in my area and unfortunately I go to an all girl school. Just my luck lol.
I've learned it's always better to not look someone pops up when you least expect it. At least thats been my experience.
 
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Yes! It's magical! OkCupid is hands down the best site, especially for younger people :crazy:

It's at least worth a shot-- you never have to meet up with anyone if you don't feel comfortable. Oh and one neat trick is, friend them on Facebook before you plan on meeting them. Facebook acts to kind of "legitimize" things because really, who could fake a friend network of 600 people? And you can see what others write on their walls and so forth. I met my boyfriend this way and we were both very cautious about the whole process. Meeting in a public place for coffee was an excellent first date :happy:
 

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Discussion Starter #10 (Edited)
In the defense of the online girlys
haha I thought that was cute.

Ya there are a truck load of weirdos on those dating sites haha I've had some interesting experiences but nothing too horrific like what i've heard from others. However like you said it's a great way to meet people or get to know others in different parts of the world. So that aspect was cool made some good friends.
 

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Yes! It's magical! OkCupid is hands down the best site, especially for younger people :crazy:

It's at least worth a shot-- you never have to meet up with anyone if you don't feel comfortable. Oh and one neat trick is, friend them on Facebook before you plan on meeting them. Facebook acts to kind of "legitimize" things because really, who could fake a friend network of 600 people? And you can see what others write on their walls and so forth. I met my boyfriend this way and we were both very cautious about the whole process. Meeting in a public place for coffee was an excellent first date :happy:
Thats a great idea! My Facebook is way too personal for me to add someone I met on a dating site though. OKCupid is a good site especially for a free dating site very well made. I know a few people who like you met their boyfriends and girlfriends on that site.
 
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A few years ago, I met my ex-fiance on Myspace. I have since deleted my Facebook and Myspace accounts and refuse to use them again.

I've been using OKCupid lately. I have yet to date anyone. I just got out of a relationship with a girl I work with. It was not a good relationship and not a good break-up.
 

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online dating - just another way of getting to meet someone. In fact its probably the ONLY way you will meet someone out of your social circle aside from doing lots of NEW things

ime it is hit and miss - most people do NOT have a clue ...this applies to BOTH sexes

pros - you can get to know people a LOT before meeting, you can get to meet people you would NEVER get to meet in 'real' life - I did online stuff for a year and met about 50 girls/women and quite a few said they just did not have time to expand their social circle or really know how

cons - scam profiles ...actually they are more laughable than anything; lying profiles with v old photos etc... half hearted people - if you join a site to meet people actually make arrangements to meet people (sadly there are a HUGE number of either paranoid or attention seeking people who will NEVER meet anyone --- and sorry this applies MORE to girls than men) ... from the opposite side there are a number of abusive and very desperate men (not nice to hear some of the horror stories from girls)...another common irritation is people who expect to find their perfect partner online (normally jaded perfectionists) ...finally another con is that you can get to know TOO much about a person before meeting (shared interests etc CANNOT make up for lack of chemistry) and isnt it true that you will decide on a relationship very very quickly a few minutes maximum

Like I said hit and miss...but to tell the truth the girls I met in real life were just as messed up as the girls I met from online stuff - Its a brutal fact of life that any decent looking girl who is single falls into one of these categories the psycho-bitch, the one dimensional bore, the deluded soul mate searcher, the puritan or perhaps maybe the unlucky
 

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I'm in the process of trying it right now, but my attempt has been rather half hearted. One of the girls I wrote did respond and gave me her number. We talked for a while, but I didn't like the way it went. I said we could continue to write or possibly even skype, but I'd prefer not to use the phone at this time. Unsurprisingly I haven't heard from her in a while.
 

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LOL! I've met them before
for me the odds in dating offline or online (due to the fact that its the social norm for men to make the first move) are stacked in favour of girls/women - and they are the choosers. its twisted, its bad but its the truth.

I would say that any girl trying online sites is almost guaranteed to find a decent boyfriend within 3 months or even less. I think there are only really one big problem for girls using online dating...filtering out the bad/dangerous/abusive men who sadly use the sites for their own weird agendas. If you're female and haven't found someone in 3 months I think you need to take a long hard look at your wants and needs in a relationship you're probably setting your standards unrealistically high or maybe you are not giving people a chance.

For men its the opposite, dealing with no responses, girls that just suddenly give up and girls which never seem to want to meet. it can be very frustrating...but its all related to numbers and the fact that girls ARE the choosers. For men I would say that you need to give online dating at least 1 year perhaps 2 to find a decent girlfriend. After that period do some introspection take a look at your life, theres probably a good reason for the lack of success

my period of using online brought up a few weird situations

a girl that i met who was not interested suddenly texts me a month later...I thought her circumstances had changed and she wants to give it a try...no such luck! she was just contacting me as during our 'date' she mentioned that she had an apartment to rent and wondered if I knew anyone that was interested. I had casually mentioned that I had a friend who *maybe* interested. She then started sending fairly abusive texts that I had *promised* to find someone to take her apartment!

another girl I met seemed to be doing the dating to increase her network for her work/job, despite that she said we could be good friends...never heard from her again

one girl I saw and we saw each other regularly and I was hoping it would lead to a long term relationship. I ended it because after about 3 months I realised that she had an alcohol problem...she was great when she was sober but she played mindgames and got too out of control when drunk...and she liked getting drunk too much imho

another girl I saw for over 6 months but it never seemed to get away from a casual friendship, down to myself not making a move. I did not get any indication she was interested romantically or sexually so I let it die.

lastly one big tip for anyone considering online dating - set up a new email address first specifically for this...you will get all sorts of shit...and you can always abandon the mail
 

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Thats a great idea! My Facebook is way too personal for me to add someone I met on a dating site though. OKCupid is a good site especially for a free dating site very well made. I know a few people who like you met their boyfriends and girlfriends on that site.
I recall posting my facebook page link to a girl interested in meeting but she wanted more info before meeting irl. we did meet but when i asked her opinion on my facebook stuff she never replied...I think because at the time I was in a blue and posting angry stuff on my wall.

in my experience if someone has 100s of facebook friends your addition is meaningless if its in single figures then its probably meaningful. BTW to anyone who thinks you cannot set up facebook and get your friends list over 100 in a few hours is really naive - i know from experience you can almost randomly add people and they will accept... I had over 120 'friends' and I had only really met 10 of them!



my opinions and experiences with the free sites

ok cupid - is nicely presented. the quizzes can give you a good idea of other peoples views and attitudes. I think the compatibility scoring is laughable...in theory I should have got good responses from those girls with high compatibilty scores...NO - it seemed to be the other way round!

plentyoffish - kind of rough around the edges, some very good features - namely blocking who can message you, very useful for girls. the search stuff is pretty good too

myspace and facebook - never really used for dating though Facebook as 2 applications...Are You Interested and some other one aimed towards dating. They are some weird combination of free and pay for stuff. Too cumbersome to use well imho

baddoo - again some weird combination of free and pay for stuff...no decent search facilities unless you pay of course...not much use in my experience

and the there are pay-for sites - test them out as best as possible with free memberships etc

Overall I would say use plentyoffish for the volume of people and okcupid for the look

:tongue::tongue::tongue:
 

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I have tried. I'll say that most people in real life are not what they seem online. That's not always so bad because you can move laterally from one positive to another. My single status will tell you how successful it's been on a romantic level, but I have met some wonderful friends.

I did burn out on looking online this time last year, though. I went through a rough patch and gave up on my closest friend. I was feeling very alone and there was a free promotion on one of the big sites, so I tried it. I met someone who, on the internet, seemed like a really sweet and caring person. She was worldly and mature. I told her everything would move slow because I wasn't in a place where I wanted to dive in. I wanted to be careful with my emotions, so we went out once a week.

We went out a few times and things got WEIRD. This is not the first time someone from the internet turned into a bit of a freak, but this one takes the cake. After three dates she told me I was the perfect match, astrologically and in other ways, to save her from her anxiety and other troubles. She lost it when we kissed. She got all flushed and had a panic attack, but, she said, in a good way. She went to see her "healer" who told her that the crystals in her room were the problem and she needed to stop showering for a week and see me more. Now, I am easily coaxed into taking on a "project" from time to time, but this was too much. I have helped people through OCD, anxiety, loss, and who knows what else, but I couldn't be saddled with the responsibility to play the role of savior after only a few dates. She got really dark after that, and I didn't think breaking it off would result in a simple break up, so I had to give her the tools to end it. She got argumentative and would bicker about everything. She HAD to be right, even in matters that didn't concern her.

I sat down with a friend and told him I thought I needed to have a talk with Erin because she wasn't taking the hint. He said, "Who?" I reminded him of the girl I had been dating and he said, "Oh, the crazy girl!" My friends who had never met her were already calling her the "crazy girl," which told me all I needed to know about how I must have been portraying the situation. Luckily, she confronted me about not putting enough effort into dating her, and I reminded her I was not going to move quickly. I hoped that would get her to say that she couldn't continue seeing me, and it did. I have not heard from her since, and I have not returned to online dating.

It's so tough to know what you are getting into when you can't see someone, so you just have to be careful and keep your expectations very low. You might just be surprised to find someone great, but it will keep you from romanticizing someone who might be a marketing genius, but the real product falls short.
 

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I'm pretty fed up with offline dating at this point. I don't meet people very often due to shyness, and many not approaching me because they find ME unapproachable, or maybe I just don't look as nice as THEY would prefer. Really, I feel like I just know better than to keep assuming the best in most of those around me. It's sad, I guess, but I think it's true. Online, those physical barriers are broken. I meet many others that way with seemingly similar goals seeing as, often times, they're online for the exact same reason. I would want someone to know my personality before they know my face, anyway.

Maybe this is a cop out but, I really don't care anymore. I'm sick of giving people the benefit of the doubt by "not judging a book by its cover" just to have them stare at me as if I'm crazy/not with it once I start speaking to them. And online, there's nothing to judge one by other than what's inside. I don't have to try and pick and choose if someone might make for interesting conversation or not, since I only see their CONVERSATION and not their face or facade.

I've made some good friendships taking things offline. I'd like to keep it that way. I think the only time from this point on that I'd consider speaking to someone offline unless I had to (i.e. for a job or whatever) is if they had the 'nerve' to approach me first, or if I saw them by themselves enough overtime and worked up the courage to speak to them. Nowadays I just have to be almost fully convinced it'd be a wise decision to do so.

To be honest, I don't even care if I meet anyone online or offline or not. I just think chances are I would online.
 

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I have tried OKCupid before because my ESFJ mum kept pressurizing me to quickly settle down and get married, but I gave up halfway, because I realized that I need to have feelings for someone first before I am able to go out with them on a date. I cannot just go out on a date with a person whom I don't have feelings for, this isn't how love is supposed to be like.
 
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