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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have a "type" of person I fall for. Generally they are INTJ's (sometimes, weak E's –*but imagine, someone with strong E around me. It would be a disaster.). I don't really realize that I've run into such a person until it is too late and I am already falling for them. I joke it takes about three minutes for me to fall in love.

And so I have lost a lot of friendships, friendships I really valued, over this sort of thing. After this last one, which really hurt me (and him, I think; we're not really talking anymore…), I am seriously re-evaluating my approach.

My girlfriend Cheryl says she knows she has such a "type," and will literally never speak to such a person again once she discovers they are of this type. However, she is monogamous, whereas I am poly.

As such, there's no "contract" or anything that "prohibits" me from having loving relationships with other people. But because these relationships inevitably end (I am married, and I'm not leaving her for one of these tertiary/secondary relationships), I always lose these friends.

How can I say this more succinctly? I am sorry. I have a specific kind of person I really enjoy as a friend, and who I fall in love with very quickly. But after falling in love, and the relationship ends, I lose those people, and I desperately want to have them as friends. So do I never have another intimate relationship with these people? That seems so tragic. But is it more tragic than losing every one of them?

Agh. :(
 

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Well, this is why I keep a sharp definition between friends and lovers. Both have a niche, both will excel in areas where the other cannot, risk greater in others, etc. It depends on your choice, it's all up to your discretion the people you place into which niche.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Out of curiosity, how do you keep that sharp definition? I find with everyone but this specific type of person, I'm entirely aware of where that line is, and with these folks, I'm usually the last to know that I've fallen in love with them. At that point, if I step back and keep my distance, I'm miserable, and if we move forward, I lose the relationship. It's very ugly.
 

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I am monogamous too and I don't think you can honestly be friends with a sex that attracts you if you wish to be monogamous. I have a very clear indication of who I will like romantically, who will like me and who I can be friends with. I make it a point not to misplace the two, no matter how much I like the person. It ruins everything.
 

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Out of curiosity, how do you keep that sharp definition? I find with everyone but this specific type of person, I'm entirely aware of where that line is, and with these folks, I'm usually the last to know that I've fallen in love with them. At that point, if I step back and keep my distance, I'm miserable, and if we move forward, I lose the relationship. It's very ugly.
You know, I thought I'd have a solid answer to that question but I just don't. It's very instinctual, whether or not people slot themselves into position, or I unconsciously keep them there is beyond me. It just seems natural, like where they would be from the start. But once I recognize their position I make sure that is where it stays unless I am convinced that it will evolve into something.

I also have an INTJ friend, but only recently have I become aware of that. I guess at this point I'm entirely useless as to answering your questions hahaha.

Hopeful another ENFJ could give their insight.
 

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I still don't understand a type. Seems like a special shaped box that certain people can fit into and certain people can't. It's an ideation of a person rather than the person him-/herself. So the consequence is that the person is not the box, and probably other stuff unrelated to your type.
 

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In theory, when you love someone, you don't have to reveal it. You make the right choice /do the right things for the benefits of the other party. Even if you are confronted, in every moment, you figure out what is the right thing to do.

Humans are emotional, it is hard to always do the right things, or even know it. But hopefully over time, you figure them out.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I still don't understand a type. Seems like a special shaped box that certain people can fit into and certain people can't. It's an ideation of a person rather than the person him-/herself. So the consequence is that the person is not the box, and probably other stuff unrelated to your type.
I would discount it too, as a concept, if every single person but one that I'd fallen in love with over the last twenty years (and there's a dozen or so I guess) had not fit that "type," all the way down to the MBTI. All of them, all of them, have. That's kind of crazy, huh?
 

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I would discount it too, as a concept, if every single person but one that I'd fallen in love with over the last twenty years (and there's a dozen or so I guess) had not fit that "type," all the way down to the MBTI. All of them, all of them, have. That's kind of crazy, huh?
It may require two or three more sentences for the more elaborate minds out there, but I'm sure it's something like this:

-ENFJs are cool with what people like, it makes those people happy. That makes ENFJ happy.
-People generally liking what they do and pursuing the things they like, sounds awesome.
-ENFJs discover what they like, and pursue it.
-Taking above into consideration, the more stereotypical or "played up" cases of what we like are, the better.
-Our idealism is the perfect breeding ground for repetitive pursuit of our fancies.

I can also attest to this.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
It may require two or three more sentences for the more elaborate minds out there, but I'm sure it's something like this:

-ENFJs are cool with what people like, it makes those people happy. That makes ENFJ happy.
-People generally liking what they do and pursuing the things they like, sounds awesome.
-ENFJs discover what they like, and pursue it.
-Taking above into consideration, the more stereotypical or "played up" cases of what we like are, the better.
-Our idealism is the perfect breeding ground for repetitive pursuit of our fancies.

I can also attest to this.
Hm, yeah, pretty much all of this, I think. I am seeing someone I think is an ISFP. Going to have to feel that out a little bit. She's really exciting. Feeler for a change!
 

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I really like girls who are quirky and weird and make me laugh. Artsy, for sure. Artsy with a sense of humor, and I pretty much can't help myself...
 

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You know, I thought I'd have a solid answer to that question but I just don't. It's very instinctual, whether or not people slot themselves into position, or I unconsciously keep them there is beyond me. It just seems natural, like where they would be from the start. But once I recognize their position I make sure that is where it stays unless I am convinced that it will evolve into something.

I also have an INTJ friend, but only recently have I become aware of that. I guess at this point I'm entirely useless as to answering your questions hahaha.

Hopeful another ENFJ could give their insight.
I don't even know what I'm responding to, but I feel like answering.

I spilled my feelings to my then guy friend who I believe is an INTJ, and I was so confused if I really liked liked him or not, so I just told him I liked him. Which took a lot of .. I don't know, but I was scared shit-less to confess, but I did- I felt like I had to for some unknown reason. When I finally did, he just swept all of my feelings into a tiny message, wrapped up so neatly, "I don't think we should date. Also I'm going away for college." So the end. And strangely enough I felt relieved. I'm still not sure what that relief was from. It was like a "thank god he doesn't like me."

And after reading the OP, I'm sort of scared of INTJ's now. If that happens again, I have no idea what I'm going to do. It's like a disease..
 
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