[msheggernes]

Hi guys, well, probably this isn't much about INFJs in general but anyways...

I have an INFJ boyfriend, we've been together since a year ago. I'm 23 and he's 25. Everything's going good at first. We're both INFJs and we see a lot of similarities between ourselves, including us being demisexuals. And lately, there's something unpleasant happening to our relationship. He started to be extremely distant towards anyone, including me. He's always that kind of person who needs a great deal of alone time, he said that he has been living in an extremely introverted and quite isolated life, and it gets even worse nowadays.

Lately he admitted to me that he is currently in a transient stage of life. Recently, the company where he works for is experiencing a serious financial problem and it forces him to question what direction he'd like to go in the future. He said that he does not want anyone to influence his decision as he always decides everything by himself all this time. He finds this situation to be the cause why he has a difficult time to commit to our relationship. He also said that he's afraid that by committing to our relationship, he will lose his freedom and independence. Fyi, we normally see each other once a week but lately we only see each other once every a month. I also find it hard to talk to him: I usually send him a good morning text and he will reply it at night when he is about to go to sleep

Although I know that he's in such hard situation, I can't help to say how much I miss him occasionally (not trying to be needy, I really do miss him), but he never really respond to it. He says he is uncomfortable to say it back to me, not because he doesn't love me anymore, but because he is simply happiest when he is alone. He also says that he still loves me, even though the feeling is not in the same way as when we started a year ago.

However on the other side, he always says how much he feels lucky for finding me and that I am normally a girl he can truly love with all his heart if he isn't being in such situation like this.
He feels guilty for not giving enough time to nurture our relationship, yet he is clueless what to do with our relationship now because he has been trying to give his attention he can but he's afraid it's not enough and that I deserve so much better.

Could you guys maybe offer some advice or insights on this matter? I do love him so much. People often label me as a loner and I know how important it is for introverts to have their recharge time, but I'm not even sure if my current state of relationship is "healthy".

Thank you :sad:

 

[Vivid Melody]

You're not needy to want someone to commit back to you as much as you are committed to them or just to want more out of this relationship, overall. It's normal to want those things.

When you are in a relationship, the whole relationship shouldn't get put on hold just due to a crisis situation otherwise couples would spend lengthy amounts of time divided because life often throws you curveballs. I don't think it's healthy either. These types of situations are when a couple should be pulling together and leaning on one another, not divided.

If he prefers to make decisions alone and being alone in general, then I honestly think he would be happier being single. You cannot have your cake and eat it too. Part of what it means to be in a relationship is to be a team and to make decisions together. He either is not ready to be in a relationship or would be a happier person being single. There's no shame in that but I think you deserve better too. Sometimes people just want different things out of a relationship or out of life in general and it makes it to where they're not compatible. There's no shame in that either.

It sounds like a deal breaker to me. And I'm surprised he hasn't broken up with you already considering how things are now. It sounds like it's going in that direction. I don't mean any of this to sound cold by the way, I'm just thinking about your best interests <3

 

[SilentScream]

If you love them, let them go.

There are some signs here that he's losing interest / focus or something that is directly related to you.

I don't think you sound needy and clingy, nor the type of person that wants to change him.

He's not old/mature enough to commit so no matter how you convince him, he's going to hold it against you if he does indeed commit ... And his emotions, anger and frustration at his life will come tearing out at you as the reason - if he doesn't succeed. You don't want that. You need to let him figure out his life on his own no matter what it is. He needs to succeed and become a man on his own and should be let to do so if that's what he wants.

Put distance between both of you, but after communicating it with him in as grown up a way as you can possibly do. If he loves you, he'll stay. If he doesn't, he'll probably get more distant. But just be there for each other. You guys are imo way too young to be thinking commitment.

Let him become the better professional he wants to become and focus on his career (whatever he decides). If he still loves you afterwards maybe you two can stay together.

lastly, this is good advice, but I'm not sure if you should take it or not. There are so many different possibilities out there, almost all of which I can't possibly know or foresee. Neither can you and neither can he. 23 imo is a time you should spend bettering yourself and 25 is a time he needs to find his place in this world. If you're not meant to do this together and he doesn't want to do this together, then nothing you can do or say will convince him otherwise. Give him what he wants. If he's meant to be yours, he'll stay, fight for you or come back into your life. If he's not, then you'll do better for yourself by not forcing him to stay.

 

[Senah]

I recently read that the way ENTPs communicate to INFJs (my friend is one) needs to be modified, in terms of less bluntness and more caring. So I apologize if I don't do well with this feedback per your situation.

I would say:
1) You are not needy. Don't apologize for what you want out of a relationship. It often is no one's fault - though we now live in a society where it seems it always must be someone's fault. You want one thing in a relationship, he wants something else out of life right now. It doesn't demean what you had or who you are to each other. But it does speak to what you need/want now.
2) You deserve to be able to ask for what you want and not feel bad about it. Being demisexual doesn't mean that you shouldn't be with someone when you want to be. You seem lonely and like you aren't getting what you need out of your relationship. I would move on. He may be hoping that you will end it by slowly curtailing your interactions because he doesn't want to be the bad guy, or he can't make the decision because it is too emotional.
3) Realize that every hour and day and week you spend in an unfulfilling relationship or life is an hour, day, or week you could be spending doing something or being with someone who is an amazing match for you. They you will look back and say "Why didn't I find you sooner? We could have been this happy for so much longer together?"

Not trying to minimize your history together or the positive things - just think that a realistic view of what you want vs. what you are getting after you shed the guilt/blame for needing/wanting it is appropriate.

Good luck. Hang in there.