Healing from hurts and past wounds
[INFP]
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What do you do or have you done to heal and move on from being the victim?
* Journal everyday, multiple times at different hours, to get everything out until I'm empty, for days and weeks and months, non-stop. And then I can look at my writing with a detached perspective and have insights. I also get insights during the writing process (not just after). It's a decluttering of the psyche.
* Seek a confidante that I trust not to judge me, and who will also keep my secrets. For me, this confidante is my sister. What I need from the confidante: 1. Listen to me vent without interruptions, 2. Don't judge me, 3. Give me feedback/their opinion to feed my Ne but do this kindly and with tact.
* Seek professional help.
* Know my ultimate goals and never deviate. And never doubt that they are achievable. Never get too distracted by the setbacks. When you know your destination in your mind, and you absolutely believe that you can have it as long as you do the work, no tragedy will be too much of a tragedy, because I think "Oh, so this isn't my destination after all, it's just a stop on the road to learn a lesson, and from this lesson I will be catapulted even more toward my destination. Okey! sounds cool!"
In the context of relationships for example (the OP sounds like a relationship context), let's say my goal is soulmate + family. Let's say I date someone for a few years and get married, and I believe I achieved my goal (abstract concept of soulmateness). Now let's say turns out it's an abusive relationship and I get divorced. Sure I will be immensely traumatised, but I still have my ultimate goal intact (soulmate + family). Because my goals aren't specific people, they are abstract things, like a God. It's difficult for me to explain this whole thing because it's too abstract and there are no words. Anyways, I will see the failed marriage as something that helped me know myself and know life more, so I will continue to move forward with complete focus on my goal. Like even when I was in a relationship, my SO wasn't my goal. I didn't wake up in the mornings thinking "Yes I got the goal in my hands and now I can rest", no, I woke up every morning with my goal being 'the most amazing relationship, which X Y Z ingredients'. My SO was an ingredient in the soulmateness, not the soulmate itself. Oh gosh it's too abstract for me to explain how my mind works, sorry. But anyways, my laser-focus on my ultimate goals makes me move forward in life even when traumatised.
* Distract myself from my own misery/stress using socialization. I'll call someone to spend an afternoon shopping and listening to their own life story or problems, so I can escape my own. Or I'll organize a family reunion and invite everyone I like.
Not isolating oneself is key, because you get a sense of "okey the Earth's still rotating... life keeps going... I am not alone... okey..."
Do you think you actually "get over it" or become different in a positive way?
This is so difficult to say. The answer would depend on what time frame you are giving me. If you ask me "do you get over it after 20 years?" My answer is yes. If you're asking "5 years?" My answer is no.
It takes me a loooooong time to forget about things that have traumatised me. I'm talking 10 years, with active self-development, not just resting on my laurels. If I didn't do anything about it, my emotional and mental states would rot consumed by trauma.
ime, the things that traumatised me 20 years ago are no longer active in me in any shape or form. I remember it all and it's like a movie that happened to somebody else, not me.
I will say that I am easily scarred by life and people. "Easily" because I interiorize events and people very deeply, so when I'm touched -both positive and negative- I'm touched in a deep deep deep place, and I can't recover from that in just a few years, I need tons of work and tons of time.
Is actual change possible? Any examples?
Yes.
Well, a personal example would be the six years I endured clinical depression and everything that went with it: self-harm, self-destruction, being homeless, terror of intimacy, inability to talk to humans, dropping out of university, self-torture with destructive jobs, toxic friendships... That was so long ago and I'm completely healed from all that. It's like a blurry movie, and I don't even recognise the main character, it's a completely different person and I can't even relate to her. It took me ten years of active self-development and therapy to get to this point of no-recognition, though.
I want to emphasize that when I say it takes years, I'm not talking about sitting around doing no self-development and just reacting passively to life and hoping "one day I'll be healed". No, I'm talking about years with daily active hardcore self-development, seeing therapists, reading books, daily meditation, journaling, leaving your comfort zone, being terrified of the world and going out there anyway, touching your phobias, talking to your enemies, the whole thing. If I didn't do all the inner work actively & took the action necessary to test my own theories in the real world, if I just sat around hoping and wishing, I would never heal in a million years. It would just get stored in a deep chamber, out of sight but always pulsing, only to be triggered every now and then and turning me into someone who destroys everything they touch. That's how I got into the depression, by keeping demons buried in chambers and never addressing them.
* Journal everyday, multiple times at different hours, to get everything out until I'm empty, for days and weeks and months, non-stop. And then I can look at my writing with a detached perspective and have insights. I also get insights during the writing process (not just after). It's a decluttering of the psyche.
* Seek a confidante that I trust not to judge me, and who will also keep my secrets. For me, this confidante is my sister. What I need from the confidante: 1. Listen to me vent without interruptions, 2. Don't judge me, 3. Give me feedback/their opinion to feed my Ne but do this kindly and with tact.
* Seek professional help.
* Know my ultimate goals and never deviate. And never doubt that they are achievable. Never get too distracted by the setbacks. When you know your destination in your mind, and you absolutely believe that you can have it as long as you do the work, no tragedy will be too much of a tragedy, because I think "Oh, so this isn't my destination after all, it's just a stop on the road to learn a lesson, and from this lesson I will be catapulted even more toward my destination. Okey! sounds cool!"
In the context of relationships for example (the OP sounds like a relationship context), let's say my goal is soulmate + family. Let's say I date someone for a few years and get married, and I believe I achieved my goal (abstract concept of soulmateness). Now let's say turns out it's an abusive relationship and I get divorced. Sure I will be immensely traumatised, but I still have my ultimate goal intact (soulmate + family). Because my goals aren't specific people, they are abstract things, like a God. It's difficult for me to explain this whole thing because it's too abstract and there are no words. Anyways, I will see the failed marriage as something that helped me know myself and know life more, so I will continue to move forward with complete focus on my goal. Like even when I was in a relationship, my SO wasn't my goal. I didn't wake up in the mornings thinking "Yes I got the goal in my hands and now I can rest", no, I woke up every morning with my goal being 'the most amazing relationship, which X Y Z ingredients'. My SO was an ingredient in the soulmateness, not the soulmate itself. Oh gosh it's too abstract for me to explain how my mind works, sorry. But anyways, my laser-focus on my ultimate goals makes me move forward in life even when traumatised.
* Distract myself from my own misery/stress using socialization. I'll call someone to spend an afternoon shopping and listening to their own life story or problems, so I can escape my own. Or I'll organize a family reunion and invite everyone I like.
Not isolating oneself is key, because you get a sense of "okey the Earth's still rotating... life keeps going... I am not alone... okey..."
Do you think you actually "get over it" or become different in a positive way?
This is so difficult to say. The answer would depend on what time frame you are giving me. If you ask me "do you get over it after 20 years?" My answer is yes. If you're asking "5 years?" My answer is no.
It takes me a loooooong time to forget about things that have traumatised me. I'm talking 10 years, with active self-development, not just resting on my laurels. If I didn't do anything about it, my emotional and mental states would rot consumed by trauma.
ime, the things that traumatised me 20 years ago are no longer active in me in any shape or form. I remember it all and it's like a movie that happened to somebody else, not me.
I will say that I am easily scarred by life and people. "Easily" because I interiorize events and people very deeply, so when I'm touched -both positive and negative- I'm touched in a deep deep deep place, and I can't recover from that in just a few years, I need tons of work and tons of time.
Is actual change possible? Any examples?
Yes.
Well, a personal example would be the six years I endured clinical depression and everything that went with it: self-harm, self-destruction, being homeless, terror of intimacy, inability to talk to humans, dropping out of university, self-torture with destructive jobs, toxic friendships... That was so long ago and I'm completely healed from all that. It's like a blurry movie, and I don't even recognise the main character, it's a completely different person and I can't even relate to her. It took me ten years of active self-development and therapy to get to this point of no-recognition, though.
I want to emphasize that when I say it takes years, I'm not talking about sitting around doing no self-development and just reacting passively to life and hoping "one day I'll be healed". No, I'm talking about years with daily active hardcore self-development, seeing therapists, reading books, daily meditation, journaling, leaving your comfort zone, being terrified of the world and going out there anyway, touching your phobias, talking to your enemies, the whole thing. If I didn't do all the inner work actively & took the action necessary to test my own theories in the real world, if I just sat around hoping and wishing, I would never heal in a million years. It would just get stored in a deep chamber, out of sight but always pulsing, only to be triggered every now and then and turning me into someone who destroys everything they touch. That's how I got into the depression, by keeping demons buried in chambers and never addressing them.
Joined
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784 Posts
What do you do or have you done to heal and move on from being the victim?
For me, the first step is correctly identifying what the actual problem is. This isn't so easy. Often, I've though it was this or that, but it's almost always related to something in my childhood. Something like, "I push people away from me, because I associate abandonment with love." Not, "I'm sad because she doesn't understand me." Then, I'll think very hard about why I have that association, and try to remove that thought process by replacing it with a better one. For example, "Sometimes, people are doing things in their lives, and they're not trying to be hurtful. If she ignores you call, it's because she's busy, not because she's trying to abandon you."
There's some great literature on this:
Getting the Love you Want by Harville Hendrix
Non-Violent Communication by Steven B. Rosenberg
Awaken the Giant Inside by Tony Robbins
Do you think you actually "get over it" or become different in a positive way?
Both.
Is actual change possible? Any examples?
Certainly, but it takes time and effort. Really, I think you kinda fake change for 6 months but then it's solidified after that, and certainly by 18 months.
For me, the first step is correctly identifying what the actual problem is. This isn't so easy. Often, I've though it was this or that, but it's almost always related to something in my childhood. Something like, "I push people away from me, because I associate abandonment with love." Not, "I'm sad because she doesn't understand me." Then, I'll think very hard about why I have that association, and try to remove that thought process by replacing it with a better one. For example, "Sometimes, people are doing things in their lives, and they're not trying to be hurtful. If she ignores you call, it's because she's busy, not because she's trying to abandon you."
There's some great literature on this:
Getting the Love you Want by Harville Hendrix
Non-Violent Communication by Steven B. Rosenberg
Awaken the Giant Inside by Tony Robbins
Do you think you actually "get over it" or become different in a positive way?
Both.
Is actual change possible? Any examples?
Certainly, but it takes time and effort. Really, I think you kinda fake change for 6 months but then it's solidified after that, and certainly by 18 months.
Joined
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1,213 Posts
@entheos -
I like what you said about the deep, deep, deep place. I know what you mean. It is interesting because people have said somewhere along the line that I am "delicate." And, I think this is what I think of. Not sensitive, but delicate. IF I entrust you with the best of me, it is delicate.
I like what you said about the deep, deep, deep place. I know what you mean. It is interesting because people have said somewhere along the line that I am "delicate." And, I think this is what I think of. Not sensitive, but delicate. IF I entrust you with the best of me, it is delicate.
You inspire me. Thank you for sharing. I don't have hoards of hurt (that I am aware of...), but I do recognize some things that I do now in my life (reactions, bitterness, acting out, rage) that must come from somewhere. I really hope if I put in my best efforts, I can heal like you have.
Joined
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1,213 Posts
@dlb -
Thank you so much. I want that change very badly for myself - like transformative change. It is good for me to hear that you think it really possible. I think I do okay with the behavior part of it (faking it!), but I still feel those tendencies in myself in reaction to something. What I am seeking is for the root of it to be gone, so then my behavior-perspective is ACTUALLY different.
Thank you so much. I want that change very badly for myself - like transformative change. It is good for me to hear that you think it really possible. I think I do okay with the behavior part of it (faking it!), but I still feel those tendencies in myself in reaction to something. What I am seeking is for the root of it to be gone, so then my behavior-perspective is ACTUALLY different.
Joined
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Aw no problem, I enjoy that you make me think about stuff I haven't thought about in a long time. It's interesting to analyse humanity lol
For me it would be the opposite then, I'm sensitive but not delicate. Meaning that when I'm feeling sensitive I'm a raw wound pulsing, but not breakable; I bite lol. It's like the gross mouth of the alien in Alien. That's the imagery that comes to mind xD
I know what you mean though.
I imagine that you have your reasons and stuff, for wanting to heal I mean, and I do too with my own stuff, but it's also good to remember that we will never be perfect (speaks the disgusting perfectionist *rolls eyes at self*).
Like for example, as an enn4 I can be highly competitive against people that I perceive as my perpetrators, like literally I develop this visceral hate for them, and I have this egoic thing of getting competitive and crushing them and making them feel miserable. I don't think this part of me will ever disappear. I can see it and sort of stop it, but it's difficult. It shows up once every few years, so I often forget that it exists. And when it comes up it's fucking painful because I am consumed by this competitiveness and get myself into a ridiculous race, where it's not that I want to win, it's that I want to see the other person fail. I have developed ways to wake myself up from the race and stop running and let it go -fucking painful to let it go, though. So with certain things it's about self-management, negotiation with the self. I negotiate with myself all the time xD
Nice, I see.
For me it would be the opposite then, I'm sensitive but not delicate. Meaning that when I'm feeling sensitive I'm a raw wound pulsing, but not breakable; I bite lol. It's like the gross mouth of the alien in Alien. That's the imagery that comes to mind xD
I know what you mean though.
I imagine that you have your reasons and stuff, for wanting to heal I mean, and I do too with my own stuff, but it's also good to remember that we will never be perfect (speaks the disgusting perfectionist *rolls eyes at self*).Like for example, as an enn4 I can be highly competitive against people that I perceive as my perpetrators, like literally I develop this visceral hate for them, and I have this egoic thing of getting competitive and crushing them and making them feel miserable. I don't think this part of me will ever disappear. I can see it and sort of stop it, but it's difficult. It shows up once every few years, so I often forget that it exists. And when it comes up it's fucking painful because I am consumed by this competitiveness and get myself into a ridiculous race, where it's not that I want to win, it's that I want to see the other person fail. I have developed ways to wake myself up from the race and stop running and let it go -fucking painful to let it go, though. So with certain things it's about self-management, negotiation with the self. I negotiate with myself all the time xD
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You can do it. I promise you it's not only possible, but likely and almost certain if you go about it in the right way.
If you would, I want you to take my advice and read this book: https://www.amazon.com/Awaken-Giant-Within-Immediate-Emotional/dp/0671791540
My intuition tells me it will serve you well. You can get either the hardcover or paperback for about $5 shipped for free at the library. I used to believe the author was an over-promoted salesman, but Tony Robbins is the real deal. He's very good, and this book is exactly what you *might* want.
We INFPs always lead with our hearts, and that's good, but it's also important for us to accept there's a process for everything, and using the right one will help you save TONS of time <3
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