Personality Cafe banner

1 - 16 of 16 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
21 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
This is long, so please bear with me.

You may remember me from this post. Story continues here.

After months of slow back-and-forth emailing, and a lunch date that went nowhere, I'd finally managed to get a few good convos going with him on Google Chat. I discovered we both liked Talking Heads, and I made a quick joke that he told me was the funniest thing he'd ever read.

Then I told him I was glad to be chatting with him again. Silence. More silence.

After an hour or so, I emailed him and said it was rude to just leave in the middle of a conversation, and asked if he could let me know when he was done next time. He said "sorry, I was watching an online panel discussion, and point taken."

Then I asked him, as politely as I could, if he had ADD. He said "that does fall in the category of 'too personal'. Have a nice weekend!" End of conversation.

His next message to me was: "I think you are looking for an amount and level of interaction that I have neither the time nor the inclination to engage in. I would be happy to be a source of information, though. I think keeping it on that level would be the best way to avoid hurt feelings."

He seemed to like it when I opened up to him (I told him about my own mild autism, and he thanked me for having the courage to share that with him), but would never open up to me. I finally just straight up wrote that I had a thing for him, even though I know he's married and nothing would ever happen. Since then, he's ended all communication with me, without a word. No reply to my emails and one phone message.

Since then, I've done a little online dating to try to replace and take my mind off him. Nothing panned out. Men either wanted sexy pics right away, disappeared when they saw my photo, or just didn't like what I wrote. And everyone tells me I'm a good writer.

I don't really have any friends, outside of a few much-older women who have known me since I was a child. Of course my family loves me, but I'm talking about people who have many other options, but choose to be in a relationship with me. Facebook "friends" are superficial. I've had my account deactivated for two weeks, and not one of them has tried to get in touch with me.

The one thing I have going for me these days (besides eating, which never fails to hit the spot) is my writing. I'm pretty proud of that. So, two spots of life (or three, if you count listening to music [I just discovered Rammstein, of all things]). I think the trouble is that you have to love yourself, and even in my best moods, I've never really considered myself sexy and awesome compared to all the other flirty, socially-successful women around me. I feel like whatever strides I make, and however hard I try, I can never manage more than the bare minimum of social acceptance.

Advice, hugs, criticism, anything appreciated.

(And am I even an INTP? Do INTPs get like this?)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
21 Posts
Discussion Starter #2
Mods: Can you move this thread to Sex and Relationships? It would probably fit better there.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,388 Posts
Stay away from married guys next time?
I'm sorry you went through that. I'm here to listen. :heart:
 
  • Like
Reactions: Chamberlain

·
Registered
Joined
·
21 Posts
Discussion Starter #4
Agreed. I thought it was just an innocent, mild crush on an unavailable man. By the time I realized it wasn't, my mind and heart were in way too deep. He must have barely known I even existed.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Bear987

·
Sweet Matrimony.
ENTJ 8w7 so/sx
Joined
·
7,160 Posts
His next message to me was: "I think you are looking for an amount and level of interaction that I have neither the time nor the inclination to engage in. I would be happy to be a source of information, though. I think keeping it on that level would be the best way to avoid hurt feelings."
I think you should accept this and move on. But I know that's going to be really hard, since you clearly have feelings for him. So perhaps, don't focus on shutting down your feelings, focus on redirecting them elsewhere.

Why not on yourself? If you could boost your self-esteem a little you'd be less inclined to take "rejection" so personally.

Rejection, as hurtful as it can be, and to be fair this guy wasn't a jerk about it, isn't a reflection of your self-worth, but on what you perceive it to be.

If one married man, who is totally unavailable, happens not to be interested in you and that makes you feel like crap, then it means something needs changing.

There's no need to let the reality of the situation bring you down. Unavailable people are unavailable.

Find something else to distract your attention. Don't feed or reinforce the hurt.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,017 Posts
Agreed. I thought it was just an innocent, mild crush on an unavailable man. By the time I realized it wasn't, my mind and heart were in way too deep. He must have barely known I even existed.
Many of committed relationships I have come across, consist of people who barely know each other. In a way, you didn't miss out on anything. Don't be too sad. Perhaps the guy's unavailability made it easier, safer for you to fall so deep for him. This life is in many ways 'just a ride', it might turn out you were just practicing this time round. Start looking ahead and treat yourself to someone available if you please.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,388 Posts
Agreed. I thought it was just an innocent, mild crush on an unavailable man. By the time I realized it wasn't, my mind and heart were in way too deep. He must have barely known I even existed.
I think you hit on a good lesson. Very few innocent, mild, crushes are just that. And, like a small fire, have the capacity to become a roaring blaze.
 
  • Like
Reactions: YamsNotYams

·
Registered
Joined
·
21 Posts
Discussion Starter #8
I think you hit on a good lesson. Very few innocent, mild, crushes are just that. And, like a small fire, have the capacity to become a roaring blaze.
And I've never considered myself "that" kind of woman. Looks like God/Moses/scribes/whoever had it right when they talked about coveting.
 
  • Like
Reactions: MelodyGirl

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,388 Posts
And I've never considered myself "that" kind of woman. Looks like God/Moses/scribes/whoever had it right when they talked about coveting.
It's amazing, isn't it? There's that verse on "The heart is deceitful and desperately wicked. Who can know it?" Jeremiah 17:9
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
21 Posts
Discussion Starter #10
I was referring to the Ten Commandments, but I guess yours works as well. I'm neither Jewish nor Christian, instead happily slightly-spiritual-but-not-religious, but glad you get the point.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,512 Posts
Once I find out someone is married it's easy for me to forget about that person even if I did have a huge crush on him before I found out. I always say, "What if he did that with me when we were actually together? What if he flirted with another girl just like this and never told her he is with someone? I deserve someone better than that." And plus, I'm not looking to date his family so if he and his wife already have children then I know his wife will always be in the picture and I try to avoid that as much as possible: dating someone who has to keep in contact with exes because of the children, that's just too much for me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
349 Posts
@YamsNotYams

*hugs* <3
Be strong and focus on becoming the best you that you can be. Focus on yourself and learn to love yourself. When you do, many men will find you irresistible. Hang in there hun and use this experience as a learning opportunity.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
21 Posts
Discussion Starter #13
@mony

I love your cat avatar! I think that's the problem.
 
  • Like
Reactions: mony

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,388 Posts
I was referring to the Ten Commandments, but I guess yours works as well. I'm neither Jewish nor Christian, instead happily slightly-spiritual-but-not-religious, but glad you get the point.
If you want to talk some time about that, I'd love to. :heart:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
129 Posts
I think the advice I would gave has already been given...but, here's a hug 😊💕
 
  • Like
Reactions: YamsNotYams
1 - 16 of 16 Posts
Top